Pop Culture Beauty School: The 15 Beauty Lessons We Learned From Sex And The City

Like many pop culture gems worth their salt, Sex and the City had some freaking fantastic beauty moments. Like Carrie's hair. And Carrie's hair. And when Samantha shaved her head after chemo treatments, and that hot bia Smith followed suit. That was a real sacrifice; dude had some magical-ass hair. 

But even beyond that, SATC gave us actual teachable beauty lessons -- times you could say, "Shit, I FEEL that." Here are my favorite 15.

1. It may take a minute to find a good look for yourself. 

(Season 1, Episode 1)

 

Hopefully, you've already gleaned this nugget of beauty information from me, but if you haven't, I think this photo collage alone allows me to rest my case, Your Honor. Your pilot look usually sucks, even in life.

2. Don't stay up doing shady shit all night when you're shooting a cover story for NEW YORK EFFING MAGAZINE the next day. (Season 2, Episode 4)

In this case, Carrie should have used her own GD advice and taken a Nap(a). And maybe time-traveled to 2015 and used a really hydrating sheet mask? Yes, that's a question mark.

3. Instead of having "the talk" with your (maybe) boyfriend, just leave your tampons and a brush there. (Season 2, Episode 11)

Talking sucks; let your girly shit do the speaking.

4. Hair plugs are scary. (Season 2, Episode 11)

Have these things improved with time? Help me, Bosley Medical.

5. Let your boob flag fly, you total Char. 

(Season 3, Episode 3)

Charlotte was super uptight about showing her bawdy, but once she was actually naked, everyone was like, "Uhh...nice rack." So, quit being all uncool. Okay?

6. Getting your hootenanny waxed is probably horrible. 

(Season 3, Episode 14)

 I, admittedly, have never done this. I attempted to begin an at-home wax once, and it was the worst and I got a shitty rash. HARD PASS on the real thing.

7. Braces are a real bitch. (Season 3, Episode 15)

It doesn't matter if you're 14 or 40, having metal in your mouth is not NEARLY as fun as flattening a paperclip and pretending it's a retainer. Futuristic mouth transplants, where you at?

8. Keep some flip flops, or some type of shit, in your bag. 

(Season 3, Episode 17)

Carrie was foot-mugged on the dirty-ass streets of New York, and we couldn't help but wonder: would you rather a), keep some simple type of footwear in your bag for emergencies; or b), have Britney-barefoot-in-a-Starbucks feet? Choose your own adventure.

9. Heidi Klum ain't all that. (Season 4, Episode 2)

JK, JK; she totally is. And, also, if Dolce & Gabbana tell you to put on bedazzled underwear and get to stepping, you do it?

Then you fall on your a-hole. And it's fine.

10. Fake nips are an actual thing. (Season 4, Episode 6)

I have nothing else to say about this. I just wanted you to know that they exist.

11. Dudes really like deodorant. (Season 4, Episode 13)

Carrie found hoarder-levels of antiperspirant in Aidan's man stuff, and I have found similar things around my own house. This makes me ask -- Dudes, why you so obsessed with deodorant?

12. Sarcasm Report: If you want to look whorey, get some volume in your hair and define your eyebrows. 

(Season 5, Episode 3)

Charlotte went to Atlantic City with the other girls of SATC, and decided to slip into a shiny freakum dress and v, v solid hair and makeup. She was trying to look slutty, and I LIKED IT A LOT. Buy some eyeliner, Charlotte York. It's not just for sluts anymore! (Can that please be a tagline for a cosmetics ad?)

13. Face peels will peel your face. (Season 5, Episode 5)

Samantha got a peel, and looked a hot and bloody mess, as one is wont-ish to look. It is my one great hope that they put raspberry jelly all over Kim Cattrall's face to film these scenes, like they do with pretend newborns in movies, who are actually like 28 months old.

14. If you have a cystic zit, LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE.

 (Season 5, Episode 7)

Carrie had a big-ass zit. On a dirty-ass train. If you find yourself in that exact situation, just leave it alone and slap a sulfur-y mud mask on your face. Not all zits are meant to be popped. (I know, I know. Don't pop anything. Boring.)

15. Don't dye your pubes with hair dye. Please. 

(Season 6A, Episode 12)

Samantha found a gray pube and decided to try to get the carpet to match the drapes, but ended up with clown wig shrubs. If you REALLY want to dye your bathing suit area, that's cool. Just use that actual dye for that actual area. Or maybe wear a merkin! People don't wear merkins enough these days.

What was your biggest beauty learnin' from Sex and the City? And are you currently wearing a merkin? Plz respond.

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Your New Ringtone: "Bubblegum," The Weekend Jam Of Your Dreams

Are you v, v into bubblegum? That's a promising start. What's your particular poison? Straw-bury? Cola? Or are you not super picky, and are just more concerned with "poping" bubbles on the street?

Regardless of your preferences, this 2010-Bieber-haired youngster has you covered.

Maybe I'm just an old, but I don't really understand what this song it all about. "Don't eat me, or I might get stuck," this young boy croons, with legs akimbo and stationary arms. So he is the metaphorical bubblegum? Okay. Is this all a weird metaphor? What is life?

Then we have this sweet little barrette-d child (Roseanne, I presume?), who is all:

"I crave the gum, it makes me feel alive." Uh, what? Is this a Hunter S. Thompson book or a kids' music video? She then holds up a finger gun. This shit is getting dark.

Kids today, I don't understand you.

I need a Saltine, a Werther's, and a nap.




via reddit

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Lazy Blogging: The 17 Craziest Makeovers From America's Next Top Model

Let me be clear: I FRIGGING LOVE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. It is one of the few reality shows that is completely unashamed to heap piles and piles of cheese all up on your face without any apology. It's twenty-second season premiered last, leaving my heart all aflutter.

Unfortunately, I will have to wait a few weeks for my very favorite part of ANTM to happen -- the makeovers. I live for that mess. And you can bet there will be at least one look that is straight kooky madness with highlights and weave on top, as per usual.

To prepare our collective hearts, I wrote a slideshow over at Allure to commemorate the most bizarre makeovers Tyra has ever bestowed upon her reality models. If you're into this, go check out "The 17 Craziest Makeovers From America's Next Top Model" here.

 P.S. I want to be Miss J like whoa. Please wish upon a star on my behalf.

World's best everything.



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(Hot) GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Alexander Skarsgård In Drag

Who's that hot blonde? Alexander Skarsgård serving up Drag Race realness. He redefines the phrase "golden girl!" pic.twitter.com/hko3nwGcU4

— James Patrick Herman (@TheGlamourGuy) August 4, 2015

If you've ever lain awake nights thinking, "I wonder if that sexy-ass Alexander Skarsgård would make a gorgeous, 6'4" lady?" here's your answer: It's a clear and resounding, "YES, BITCH." Now you can sit back, relax, pour yourself a tall, frosted glass of Goldschlager and swallow that mofo whole. (I'm not sure that entire euphemism worked even a little, but you get it. At least kind of.)

Alexander kept it grown and sexy last night at the premiere of his lastest movie, The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which took place at the Castro Theater in San Francisco, and included a pre-movie drag show. If I have learned anything today, it's that I am not living my best life. I'm living, like, my seventh best life.

Alexander Skarsgård looking fabulous at the premiere of 'The Diary of a Teenage Girl' this week. pic.twitter.com/qulJ0HSRgz

— The Film Stage (@TheFilmStage) August 4, 2015

And if you think that just because such a giant man chose such an disproportionately tiny clutch to carry, or that because he looks 573% more eleganza in a floor-length, sequined dress than I ever could, would dull my attraction to this beautiful, Swedish meatless meatball, YOU ARE DEAD MF-ING WRONG. (Also, if you think that last sentence was the most awkwardly-worded thing you've ever read, you are dead right. Welcome.)

I will firmly keep AS(s) in the "will do" column, semi-sad wig ends be damned.

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Random-Ass Beauty Obsession: Drew Barrymore In Bad Girls

Sometimes a beauty look just sticks in your brain craw and doesn't dislodge, no matter how much time passes, or how much that beauty look is based upon a revenge-seeking prostitute (actually, bonus points for that!). Especially if it graces your awkwardly pubescent eyeballs just as you've turned the horrible age of 13. For me, that iconic beauty moment comes via Drew Barrymore in Bad Girls.

You've probably never even seen this movie, as it's regarded as pretty much a heaping cinematic garbage bag, but I really can't be trusted to judge it clearly. This movie has all the markings of something that I love. It starred a ton of badass bitches like Andie McDowell (!), Madeline Stowe (!!) and Mary Stuart Masterson (!!! until infinity):

THE BEST NOT-OPENLY LESBIAN LOVE STORY EVER TOLD

It's set in a romanticized version of ye olde west, which I love:

And it was released in 1994, when I looked like this:

Needless to say, I needed some sexy and solid beauty inspo at the time, and Drew provided all that and a bag of chips -- because it was the '90s, man. If you're in middle school and looking for a beauty hero, this really speaks to you in your most I-just-got-my-first-period of times.

Take that, Language Arts Where the Red Fern Grows diorama project, I'm busy trying to figure out how I can bleach my hair, when I'm not even allowed to ride my bike to the neighborhood 7-11!

And if that's not enough to draw you in, there were also bedazzled chokers!

And suspenders and eyelet undergarments as shirts and platinum curls with tendrils!

And more hats than a girl in 1994 could dream!

And don't even get me started on the touch-of-brown-but-mostly-nude matte lip.

Just looking at these pictures again fills me with a burning desire to be an underage saloon prostitute who's not afraid to shoot a dude. LILLY LARONETTE 4EVA.

Who's your unconventional beauty icon? Don't even cheat and say Rose from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. That's so obvious.







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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: All Of Us, For Not Being On A Jet Ski With Jennifer Lawrence And Amy Schumer

Jlaw #maniac

A photo posted by @amyschumer on Jul 30, 2015 at 7:30am PDT

I mean, can a bitch hop on one of those banana boat things? An inner-tube? Some type of shit?

Here's Jennifer Lawrence driving Amy Schumer around on a GD jet ski, gallivanting around like a couple of Ariels, while I went to jury duty today. (Also, how long can I milk that annoying situation? Just today, or what?) I hate watersports (ZING-A-THON!) and even I want to get in on this action.

And this wasn't the only activity of the day.

Human pyramid

A photo posted by @amyschumer on Jul 30, 2015 at 7:23pm PDT

Of course, Jen and her tiny, baby-sized belly button are at the top of the pyramid. If I were part of these festivities, I would mos def be the homegirl lying in the front, and not because I was wearing a knee brace and just got a fierce-ass perm. I just hate participation.

Actually, I wouldn't even be on the boat. If Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence called me on a three-way call, one from a phone that was shaped like a pair of lips and one from a clear plastic phone with colorful wires inside, and personally invited me to go frolic in the sea, I would be like, "Sorry, bitch, I'm watching Judge Judy in a room darkened with blackout curtains." And then I would shove more white cheddar popcorn into my pie hole. Because that is my actual life.

Let's just try to end this on a positive note.

SOS, send more popcorn.








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Beauty Science Fair: I Tried Really, Really Natural Beauty Products

I go through weird cycles in my life, where at the pinnacle of thinking every single thing on Earth is probably slowly turning all of my cells into tiny Chernobyl victims, I find myself trying to be more natural in my beauty product choices. I know, I know. Me: the one with the fake boobs, and the fake highlights, and the Botox and the Latisse. I KNOW. I'm a damn lie and a hypocrite, but every little bit counts. (???)

I recently read somewhere (where? I don't know, that would be too responsible) that the two most toxic beauty products are perfumes and antiperspirants. So, I thought that I would try to find natural alternatives to my typical shit: slatherings on slatherings of Dove deodorant and an epidermis sprayed to the hilt with Marc Jacobs Honey.

The following is a true account of these naturalistic trials and tribulations.

Fragrance Swap: Vanilla Extract

I remember reading a few years ago that Jennifer Love Hewitt used vanilla extract as a perfume, and she was quoted as saying, "Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'" Insert your own one billion eyerolls here. You can quote me on that.

So, a couple nights ago I decided to give this complete douchey-nonsense-sounding-nonsense a whirl, and put some on my wrists and neck right before bed. When I first put on the vanilla extract, I detected slight notes of cat pee and it felt kind of sticky, but both seemed to fade over time.

I forced my husband to smell my wrist and describe what he smelled in detail. After several seconds of sniffing, he said, "It smells just like the cocoa butter you wear every day," and also, "Oh, did you put on coconut oil?" NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL EMPIRICAL DATA, FOLKS! (volume 16)

By the time I woke up I smelled nothing. Like less than the amount of times I want to hear LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It" again, amounts of nothing. So, roughly -29834902 amount of scent.

But I had not finished with this experiment. Maybe I just hadn't used enough. A few days later, I tried to dab it on my wrist gracefully by tipping the bottle and making direct skin-to-glass contact, like I was Elizabeth Taylor in a GD White Diamonds commercial, and ended up splashing it all over myself and the floor. I am not made for the glamorous life. Needless to say, I had a lot more extract on my skin.

A few hours later, I again smelled nothing. C'est Fini. I'm over it.

Conclusion: This is pointless and sucks. Save yourself the heartache and splash zone and use it to bake some MF-ing Martha Stewart cookies. And unless J Love wants to sell me her actual hair, I'm not buying her bullshit again.

Antiperspirant Swap: Green Tidings Natural Deodorant

This is not my first foray into natural deodorants. I used to use one that was locally made and had, like, two ingredients (I KNOW, HIPSTER-ASS-HIPSTER). It worked really well, but it also irritated my armpits like a mofo.

Riddle me this: why can I put a GD ocean of chemicals on my pits and nary a bump pops up, but when I use the natural shit it's Burnapalooza 2015, with Rash Fest on the side stage? How is this the way that life works? Cover that in the 2016 presidential debate, plz.

This time I went for the Green Tidings Extra Strength Natural Deodorant in Lavender, because it was on Amazon Prime, and I'm a lazy-ass-lazy. It was $14.99, which I feel is pretty excessive in the ol' cost department, but what can I say? I still bought it.

I've been using the deodorant for about a week, and here's what I've found: As far as making me not smelly, I would say it works pretty well. It's like one million degrees outside, and if I get whore-in-a-church sweaty, I just have to reapply and I'm fine. I've worked out while wearing it, too, and felt a touch stank, but nothing over-the-top.

(Youngsters, this gif is from the movie Over the Top. Never watch it.)

In the rashy department, things are pretty meh. I try to wait as long as possible to apply this stuff, especially after shaving, but it's still all a little burn-y. And sometimes irritation is included in that goody bag. This is what the company says about pit irritation:

A rash can be due to the any of the following: 

1)  Detox reaction.  This is your body expelling all the nasty ingredients from your previous toxic deodorant, and finally having the freedom to sweat naturally again.  This type of rash clears up within 1 month.  You can try to go without any deodorant whenever you can, or use the vinegar spray, below, while your body detoxes.

2) pH adjustment.  For some, the deodorant will irritate the skin as the body adjusts to its pH levels.  Sometimes this can even occur after having used the deodorant for some time.  A simple remedy is to combine 1 tbsp. apple cider vinegar with one cup of distilled water.  Spray underarms.  Let dry.  Then apply  deodorant.  Repeat for a week.  If this does not work, take 1 week off from the deodorant and use only the vinegar spray (which will help with odor, too).  Begin using the deodorant again after a week has passed. 

3) Skin irritation due to one of the ingredients.  Your body could be sensitive to one of the natural ingredients.  Lavender essential oil is irritating to some,  Stop using if this is the case, and contact us at support@greentidings.org.

I can tell you this -- I WILL NOT partake in extra steps of spraying vinegar and all of that shitty pit jazz. It's not that serious.

Conclusion: I'm going to stick with my natural and irritated pit concoction for now. It works pretty well, and it's worth it to me. If you have armpits of steel, I would suggest this. If your pits have the constitution of a Victorian Lady, you might want to do a hard pass on this one.

Now I'm off to oil pull, drink the eff out of some apple cider vinegar and put coconut oil on everything, all while Latisse-ing my lashes into Muppet territory.

 Peace and love. Peace and love.

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