The Top 10 Reasons That Lifetime Movies Are The Best Things That Have Ever Happened To You

I don't love very many things. Like, probably three to seven, max. But GD-it, I LOVE LIFETIME MOVIES. I'm pretty certain that I have seen a solid 90% of them, too. After single-handedly keeping the Lifetime networks alive for the past 20 years, I have cultivated my top 10 reasons why you should be all up on Lifetime movies.

1. The titles. Even JD Salinger couldn't have come up with a better name than, "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?"

2. Like a fine wine (what's that like?), they just get better with age. There's nothing better than a 90s LM starring the likes of Fred Savage or Tiffani (I'LL NEVER LET GO OF AMBER, SO SUCK IT) Thiessen. But ultimately, it's all about Shannen Doherty, and don't you forget that shit.

3. You can relive your favorite true crime stories without trolling super creepy message boards, and getting flagged by the FBI. Thanks for the memories, "Drew Peterson."

P.S. YOU'RE HOT, ROB LOWE, SO QUIT PLAYIN'. YOU'RE CONFUSING OUR SEXY PARTS.

4. Bitches be crazy. Lifetime movies usually involve at least one way over-the-top crazy ass crazy, which is the ultimate in entertainment.

Okay, okay. This isn't even from the Lifetime version, but I can't live my life without this GIF.

5. You get to see Lindsay Lohan do shit like this, which never gets old.

6. Where else can you experience ground-breaking television moments like the guy from Office Space clutching women's underwear to his chest? Nowhere, that's where.

7. High fashion moments in history. Do you like dudes running in the shortest of short shorts in the 80s? (Who the f doesn't?) Turn on Lifetime Movie Network for five minutes.

8. Regardless of the movie plot, it will be dramatic as shit. Looking for titles that contain the phrase, "The Perfect ______," will lead you to the highest dramatic return for your time.

Bonus points if it stars someone from either Charles in Charge or Melrose Place.

9. They make history fun! And murder-y. Lizzie Borden was (ALLEGEDLY) guilty as hell, I now know. AKA, Lifetime movies make you smarter.

10. This is where bad friggin' hair lives comfortably, and is 0% ashamed of itself.

Mother, may I get a terrible haircut that involves wispy bangs? Don't lie. This is one of the top seven worst haircuts you've ever seen.

You can't tell how bad these Faux-di Arias extensions are from this picture, but they were nightmare inducing. I still think about them regularly. Like, Season-One-Orange-is-the-New-Black-Piper's-flashback-extensions bad.

Speaking of bad Jodi Arias hair, this is her real-life cellmate:

Try not to fall in love.




Pin It

Allure Insiders Get The Look: Orange Is The New Black Makeover Mashup

The subject of this week's Allure Insiders video is one of my favorites (uh, doy). I took three of my favorite characters from my beloved OITNB and created a mashup look from little pieces of all of them. Watch on to see who I chose.

And if you aren't caught up on the show, what the eff are you waiting on? Head over to Netflix and binge-watch the hell of it like any sane person would, then come back over hear and lets talk about it! (I finished this weekend, obviously.)

P.S. If you don't want to "boop" Suzanne, I don't even know you.




Pin It

Allure Insiders: Readers' Choice Haul Video

I was lucky enough to get a package from Allure of some of the Readers' Choice products from this month's issue. I dug into this big ol' box of good good and filmed my reactions. Check out the video to see what I got and what I thought about everything.



Pin It

Nic Cage Wore A CRAZY ASS Outfit To A Guns N' Roses Concert

via gnr's facebook

Nicolas Cage showed up to a GNR concert wearing this insane shit this weekend. Just soak it all in for a moment. Oh, and Andrew Dice Clay was also in attendance, because of course.

Maybe we should get a closer look at all of this effery. And, yes, that's Nic Cage's meme face on Nic Cage's shirt.

Here's a checklist of what we're dealing with here:

1. An Ann Taylor Loft blazer
2. A well-formed cowboy hat
3. Henry VIII's hand jewels and cane thing
4. Sunglasses inside
5. All of your gam gam's "fancy" necklaces at once
6. A possible holster/fringed chaps (assless-ness unknown)
7. HIS OWN FACE
8. Red wine teeth (I'm assuming)

This is what this outfit just did to my eyeballs:

Thanks, outfit.



Pin It

If You Always Wanted To See Bradley Cooper's (Almost) B-Hole, This Is Your Chance

via eonline

Listen, I'm not in the game of offending military people. I'm in the game of rude ass-ing every other person's life, really. But I have to ask this -- is this the regular shorts attire of actual Navy Seals? Because that is the character that B Coops is portraying in this sassy (literal) ass picture from the set of his new movie, American Sniper, and it's causing me to not even really know what to think right now. Except that we need to see what kind of business is happening in the front.

via eonline

 Oh. I mean...I actually don't even know what to say right now. At all. Or how I feel. Am I like:

Or all:

On one hand, I wore shorts of this exact length in my sluttiest of slut days. On the other, they look like toddler apparel. On a third alien hand, Bradley Cooper is usually pretty hot.

I think I'm having some kind of sensory overload-induced brain malfunction. Tell me how to live.

P.S. You're welcome for bringing you this instead of that bag o' dicks-filled Bieber video.





Pin It

Video Time: Every-Damn-Thing I Use On The Daily

I made a crazy, long ass video on pretty much every friggin' thing that I use beauty-wise (and some random shit) every day. You are probably throwing me an "I give exactly zero effs" side eye through the interwebs right now, so feel free to skip this video if you aren't interested in my mess of a daily life.

If you are into this, I cover everything from skin care products to deodorant, to makeup and the earrings I've been wearing for a solid four years. If you have any questions about anything I mention, holler at your girl in the comments.




Pin It

Poppin' Bottles On Summer Polishes: The China Glaze Off Shore Collection

I'm really trying not to be a broken record in this bitch, but it's hot. And when the going gets hot, that really only means one thing: It's Summa, Summa, Summatime (Summatime). I kind of hate Summer, because it's just so damn sunny and people are always all, "It's BEAUTIFUL out," which is just pretty much the opposite of my life's motto. Plus, I refuse to wear a bathing suit, or even shorts, so this shit just ain't for me. In a nutshell.

Everyone else in the Summertimes:

Me in the Summertimes:

There is one exception to my general grumpy ass-ness when it comes to all things Summer -- I LOVE A BRIGHT NAIL POLISH. This is the time of year when all of the polish brands release their brightest and cheeriest hues, and I was lucky enough to get to sample the newest from China Glaze, with their Off Shore Collection.

If you can actually follow along with my cluster eff of a photo below, you can get a hands-on view of what the collection is working with.

china glaze off shore collection, $7.50 each

Every bit of the polishes are appropriately vivid, and all but one of them are a creme finish. (The deep orange-y "Stoked to be Soaked" has a semi-pearly look.) There are a few of the lighter polishes that I feel like would be best with three coats, because they're on the thin side, but overall they all go on well.

I was surprised to find that I genuinely liked all of the polishes. While just peeping them in the bottle, I felt pretty "meh" about a few initially, but after getting them up on my phalanges, I was pleasantly impressed by the entire lot.

Bottom line, if you're into colorful nail polish, these will 100% be your jam. Even if you're a straight-up grouch ass like me.

China Glaze's Off Shore Collection is available at Ulta and Sally Beauty Supply starting in June (so, like, now), so get on it. Don't worry, I'll still be holed-up in a darkened room with my beautifully bright claws.






Pin It