This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things.

Nicky just wants to get a rich dude and drink beach drinks. And eat/not eat pork. And wear/not wear hipster glasses from the Russian Claire's Boutique. I'm not really sure if this video is real life or not, but I don't really give an eff. Nicky is the voice of our generation, because who is REALLY sure which faux fir vest they want to wear??? Not I, world. Do ringtones still exist? This is all too much. I need a drink.

You're welcome. I just gave you a reason to get your party started.





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Macadamia Nuts Aren't Just for Delicious Cookies.

I've never really thought about macadamia anything, except for how friggin' delicious the nuts are in a white chocolate chunk cookie. Ish is the good good. That was until I received a sampling of the hair care products from Macadamia Natural Oil. The products combine macadamia oil (duh) and argan oil to (via their website):

"Together, macadamia oil and argan oil replenish the hair’s natural emollients with the high content of essential fatty acids found naturally in both of these exceptional oils. The combined benefits help to nourish and protect the hair from harmful UV rays while repairing hair follicles for improved elasticity and shine."

Sounds great, right? Let's delve into this madness.

macadamia natural oil deep repair masque, $4-$55

One of my favorite products from the line is the Deep Repair Masque. It smells like a pina colada-fueled dream (all of the products do), and people are always telling me how good I smell when I use it. I guess I usually smell bad, but that's neither here nor there. And more importantly, my hair feels like a damn silk factory after using it. I can't even rave about this stuff enough. IT'S AMAZING. I feel all-caps-strongly about it, so you know that ish is on the real.

macadamia natural oil flawless, $33

But the magical hair carpet ride doesn't end there. I also fell in love with a stripper Flawless, which is a 6-in-1 cleansing conditioner. Six in one?!? I can just barely count that high. Let's learn more, shall we?

"Reinvent the art of shampooing with Flawless, an innovative 6-in-1 cleansing conditioner that cleanses, conditions, reduces blow-drying time, detangles, enhances volume and eliminates frizz in one product. Flawless recreates the perfect salon blow-dry at home. 

Flawless’ innovative formula dispenses as a lightweight, no-suds mousse that gently and thoroughly cleanses without stripping hair or weighing it down. At the same time, it conditions and infuses hair with nourishing macadamia oil, chamomile, vitamin E, proteins and other nutrients. Hair is left revitalized with healthy shine, bounce and manageability."

This stuff is perfect for me, because I'm ridiculously oily, and my ass has to wash my hair errrday if I don't want to look hobo-rific. So if I don't want to over-wash my mop, I can use this cleansing conditioner instead. And here's a insanely ingenious thing about Flawless -- it has a dispenser very much like a bottle of mousse, so you aren't shivering in the shower for 30 minutes trying to get the product out. So freaking smart. Plus, it is the best cleansing conditioner I have ever used, by ten trillion miles. The first time I used it, one of my friends was all, "I don't know what the hell you did to your hair today, but it looks fantastic."

Yep, that good. Learn more about the Macadamia Natural Oil line of hair products here. Pin It

What the Eff Kind of Michael's Flower Section Explosion Outfit is This, Ke$$$$ha?

via eonline

The worst thing about this nonsense, for me, isn't even the silk flower sh* show. It's those terrible, three times shinier than a Hooter's girl pantyhose. Holy balls, those things are atrocious. But on the real, gluing rejected faux flower petals about your crotchal region does not an outfit make. And I'm pretty effin' open as to what constitutes clothes. If Ke$h didn't create this outfit herself with a glue gun and leftover materials from a few discarded Bridezillas bridesmaids' bouquets, then homegirl should demand a hefty refund to her PayPal account. Because that Etsy picture she ordered this mess  from did NOT represent the real outfit well, obviously.

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Hot Damn, Zack Morris is Lookin' FOOOYYIIINE.

via buzzfeed

Oh hey, here's MPG filming that show he's on with the skater dude from Clueless. (I can't be bothered to know actual, real information.) But I do have eyeballs, and they can tell me that Mark-Paul is still a hot ass b, even sans the inappropriately huge cell phone and Sun-In-esque highlights. Dare I say, boo boo is HOTTER than in his Saved by the Bell days? MPG's giving me Dylan McKay lite vibes here, so that's obviously right up my sexual healing alley. And that light oil chest sheen? Okay, I need to stop.

Yep, pretty much.



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I'm Super Old, and I've Learned A SH*T TON About Beauty.

Well guys, it's totally official -- I'm an old ass b. I had a birthday this weekend, and it reminded me of my previous 32 years (holy eff, I can't believe that ish is true), and all of the beauty lessons I have learned from being alive this long ass time. So I thought that I would compile a list of some of the things I've learned and share them with yo' asses, so you don't have to live with the same mistakes that I've made. I know, I know. I'm such a kind-hearted angel face. I hear it all the time. (Nope. I sure don't.)

Sometimes, Less Is More.

via realitytvgifs

No, Danielle, I don't mean less clothes. I mean the bedazzling of your face and such. There have been times in my life when it wasn't unusual for me to wear heavy eyeshadow, winged eyeliner, and fake lashes DURING THE DAY. Listen, I like a made-up face. Ain't nothing but a thang. BUT, it can sometimes be a little much for just everyday, reg life. And this is also the reason that I would like to be the first (that I know of) biologically female drag queen. The glitz! The glamour! The showladyship! The perfected sashay-and-lip-syncing! But until that day comes, I have learned to tone down my ish (somewhat) and be daylight appropriate. Boring, but necessary.

Take Care of What You've Got.

Get ready to hear straight Gam Gam advice -- you only have one body, so don't eff that mess up too much while you're young. Be careful how much you're in the sun, because IT WILL CATCH UP with your ass. Trust. Same goes for smoking. I've seen many a wrinkle on a young buck just because of these lifestyle choices. Listen, I know that getting enough sleep and drinking enough water, and crap, isn't as fun as being a rebellious hoodlum. I got it. But you also don't want to look super hag-y by the time you're thirty, right? RIGHT? Just THINK about reigning it in...Mmmkay?

Keep Sh*t In Your Purse.

Okay, so you don't have to carry a purse so friggin' large that it's made from the sacrificial lambs of other, tinier, purses. But there is something to say about carrying a big ass bag, and that is that you can fit a ton of beauty into a bigger purse. This is currently what's in my purse:

And that's just the "makeup" makeup. I also carry deodorant and two dry shampoos in my purse. I'm fully aware that I am a ridiculous person, but I also like to be prepared, like a high maintenance boy scout. Here's my theory -- what if, for whatever fake reason, you can't go home for a day? I could totally maintain regular level of hygiene and live straight from the purse. NBD. It's like a hobo/Tom Sawyer beauty lifestyle. P.S. Ziploc bags are THE BEST makeup bags, because you can replace them every few weeks.

Don't Underestimate the Power of Eyebrows.

See, even Christian Bale knows, and that b likes to yell at people. You mofo's know that I can't stop talking about eyebrows. But there's a real reason. EYEBROWS CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOUR FACE. Don't believe me?

Point, match, game. (Is that how it's said? I know nothing of sports.) Eyebrows are a frame to the artwork that is your face. Don't be a poster hanging up with thumbtacks. Be the framed Monet.

Okay, not a Monet. An Andy Warhol print, or whatever the hell gets you tingly. Just get that brow game right. Alright, that's all I've got, people. I have to go order one million cases of Ensure now, because my ass is older than Dylan McKay over here.

via 90210gifs

I LOVE old Dylan. What a DILF.





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Oh, no no no no.

I thought really hard about posting this, you guys. I don't know ish about Amanda Byne's rillll (copyright Courtney Stodden) life, but I suspect that some areas have been going less than swimmingly for her. But at least there haven't been those daily reports on her having to be physically removed from, well, everywhere, so I will assume that things have calmed down a bit. That was what I believed in my heart until I saw this picture she posted on her own twitter. Oh, honey. Why are you wearing a Taylor Dayne wig?

Sorry, youngsters. I know that you have ZERO idea who this is, but it's AB's wig twin. Except for the fact that this was Tay Tay's real hair at the time.

And just because Dave Chapelle isn't doing his show anymore, doesn't give you the right to bite Tyrone Biggum's style so hard. Rude. And I know that people are still doing the whole acrylic stiletto nails thing, but seeing them without polish gives me the grossies. I'll leave the makeup deal alone, because we all have eyes. And brain waves. Oh, and if you think I'm being a total c-face (Well, duh. Nice to meet you.) and judging off of one weird picture...

This is happening. And I REALLY, REALLY hope that this all is just a case of...

Because Amanda seems like a nice girl. Learn from your peer peeps. PLEASE. Take a nap, eat a nice grilled cheese, and stop the silly nonsense.









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Friggin' Biebs, Stop Making Me Talk About Your Ass!

via daily mail

JB's been in ol' London town for a bit now, and at times been seen wearing this dumbass gas mask. Why? Who the hell knows. I am more curious about the well-being of the person that vomited up those shoes. And why does Biebs look like something from the Super Mario Bros here?

Also, is he having some kind of spinal issue? Is his next album (cough) inspired by Quasimodo? And how did he go back in time and steal my circa 2003 Old Navy sweater that I wore when I worked as a bank receptionist? Is he some sort of wizard? If so, I'd like to put in my request to borrow his pointy hat thingy.

Yes. Yes, I am. Now Bieber, stop the silly nonsense. You look a fool. Again.




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