Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I'm Super Old, and I've Learned A SH*T TON About Beauty.

Well guys, it's totally official -- I'm an old ass b. I had a birthday this weekend, and it reminded me of my previous 32 years (holy eff, I can't believe that ish is true), and all of the beauty lessons I have learned from being alive this long ass time. So I thought that I would compile a list of some of the things I've learned and share them with yo' asses, so you don't have to live with the same mistakes that I've made. I know, I know. I'm such a kind-hearted angel face. I hear it all the time. (Nope. I sure don't.)

Sometimes, Less Is More.

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No, Danielle, I don't mean less clothes. I mean the bedazzling of your face and such. There have been times in my life when it wasn't unusual for me to wear heavy eyeshadow, winged eyeliner, and fake lashes DURING THE DAY. Listen, I like a made-up face. Ain't nothing but a thang. BUT, it can sometimes be a little much for just everyday, reg life. And this is also the reason that I would like to be the first (that I know of) biologically female drag queen. The glitz! The glamour! The showladyship! The perfected sashay-and-lip-syncing! But until that day comes, I have learned to tone down my ish (somewhat) and be daylight appropriate. Boring, but necessary.

Take Care of What You've Got.

Get ready to hear straight Gam Gam advice -- you only have one body, so don't eff that mess up too much while you're young. Be careful how much you're in the sun, because IT WILL CATCH UP with your ass. Trust. Same goes for smoking. I've seen many a wrinkle on a young buck just because of these lifestyle choices. Listen, I know that getting enough sleep and drinking enough water, and crap, isn't as fun as being a rebellious hoodlum. I got it. But you also don't want to look super hag-y by the time you're thirty, right? RIGHT? Just THINK about reigning it in...Mmmkay?

Keep Sh*t In Your Purse.

Okay, so you don't have to carry a purse so friggin' large that it's made from the sacrificial lambs of other, tinier, purses. But there is something to say about carrying a big ass bag, and that is that you can fit a ton of beauty into a bigger purse. This is currently what's in my purse:

And that's just the "makeup" makeup. I also carry deodorant and two dry shampoos in my purse. I'm fully aware that I am a ridiculous person, but I also like to be prepared, like a high maintenance boy scout. Here's my theory -- what if, for whatever fake reason, you can't go home for a day? I could totally maintain regular level of hygiene and live straight from the purse. NBD. It's like a hobo/Tom Sawyer beauty lifestyle. P.S. Ziploc bags are THE BEST makeup bags, because you can replace them every few weeks.

Don't Underestimate the Power of Eyebrows.

See, even Christian Bale knows, and that b likes to yell at people. You mofo's know that I can't stop talking about eyebrows. But there's a real reason. EYEBROWS CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOUR FACE. Don't believe me?

Point, match, game. (Is that how it's said? I know nothing of sports.) Eyebrows are a frame to the artwork that is your face. Don't be a poster hanging up with thumbtacks. Be the framed Monet.

Okay, not a Monet. An Andy Warhol print, or whatever the hell gets you tingly. Just get that brow game right. Alright, that's all I've got, people. I have to go order one million cases of Ensure now, because my ass is older than Dylan McKay over here.

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I LOVE old Dylan. What a DILF.

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