Ethan Hawke, You're Code Platinum Freaking Me the Eff Out.

via buzzfeed

You guys. No, a scary clown, Iggy Pop, and current Billy Idol didn't have a threesome (or maybe they did) and produce this person. THIS IS ETHAN-REMEMBER-HOW-HOT-I-WAS-IN-REALITY-BITES-HAWKE. Now before you get all up on my jock, I know he's in some play or some sh*t and that's what this look is all about. But b*tch isn't on stage when this shit was taken. Put on an effin' hat, witch hazel off that eyeliner, and get some deeeeeeep moisturizer on your mug before subjecting all of our retinas to this mess.

More of this, less of whatever the gross is happening up there. I'm done. I'm eyes are making my mind grapes hurt.

And some wine. Lots of wine.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week for Allure, I explore dude beauty routines, and how we can derive our own tips from them. At least you're good for something, guys. I kid, I kid. Go check it out here.



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One Broke Girl: Beauty Treatments You Can Do on The Cheap

Listen, people. Times are mutha effin' tough in this b*tch. Sometimes you are on an all-ramen-all-the-time diet, but you still want to:

via nbcparksandrec tumblr

It's only natural. Just because you have roughly two dimes to rub together doesn't mean that you have to shun beauty treatments completely. I've rounded up a few ways that you can still get super grown and sexy, without the extra cash flow.

All Coconut Oil Errthang



I made a tutorial on coconut oil hair masks like a million years ago, and I've learned a few things since then. First off, you don't need to heat that mess up. It's a solid at most room temperatures, and liquifies with heat. There's no need to get out an effin' blow torch, or anything, just scoop the ish into your hands, rub them together a little, and apply it to your dry hair. The rest of the video is still as valid as any other crap that I throw together.

The next part of my coconut oil infogasm is that you can use it for about a billion things. I now also use it for my reg body moisturizer. I also use it to pop popcorn. These two items are completely unrelated. I'm not use how much a jar is, maybe $5 to $10, but that mess lasts forever. Invest. Save your damn pennies.

 St. Ives Apricot Scrub -- But Not For Your Mug

target, $2.99

I know, you used the hell out of this sh*t in middle school. And you might even still use it on your face. If you do, stop that immediately. It will eff up the collagen in you face, because it's just too rough for your face's delicate constitution. BUT it's great for a body scrub, especially if you are a victim of the dreaded backne. And it's so cheap. Get it on BOGO somewhere, and you're set for years. If you want to make it a little more moisturizing, just add a little swig of olive oil.

Homemade Aspirin/Lemon Juice Mask

If you need a little exfoliation for cheap/free if you've got this stuff, I've got the mask for you. This is from the Dr. Oz show, and you know that homeboy knows his stuff. It's based on aspirin, which contains salicylic acid, and lemon, which has a fat ass amount of vitamin c. Both of these things are great for the el skino.

Ingredients:

- non-coated aspirin
- lemon juice
- baking soda

Instructions:
1. Crush up 6-12 non-coated aspirins and combine with freshly squeezed lemon juice.
2. Let the aspirin dissolve until it turns into a paste.
3. Apply the mask to your skin and leave it on for 10 minutes.
4. Remove the face mask by dipping a cotton round in some baking soda and some water.

WARNING: So I just tried this sh*t, and it works just fine, but when I went to remove it with the cotton round with water and baking soda, it burned my skin like a cray cray banana hammock. So, I recommend skipping that part, and just rinsing with water, unless your skin is made from impenetrable steel, or something.

Okay, cheap asses/fellow poor peeps, it's like we're a broke ass beauty parlor up in here! You don't have to look raggedy and crazy, just because we aren't bazillionaires.

Do you guys have any cheap beauty tricks? Share with all of us other poor unfortunate souls!





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Why Not Start Your Saturday Off With Some Delightful Music Stylings? (AKA The Worst Music Video Ever.)

This video was dubbed on YouTube as "the worst music video ever." After watching it roughly seven times, it has kind of become my anthem. It's like the modern day version of Aretha Franklin's "Respect," or something. And lucky for you, I have transcribed the happenings of the entire 4:18 of this diamond in the rough. YOU ARE WELCOME, world.

The first 30 seconds of this mess looks like an opening for a really, really, sh*tty Chicago-based soap opera. Then we see our heroine, looking most reminiscent of a younger, blonder, George Costanza's mother. In the next shot, we really get to see what homegirl is working with, and let me clue you in, sister, those pants are atrocious. It's like FUPAs were breeding with more FUPAs up in there. If it were legal to burn whatever material that makes up those pants, I would highly suggest it. After ANOTHER long shot of the Chicago skyline, our eyes can feast upon the romantic lead of the story. Now, we KNOW that he's a bad boy, because not only is he leather-clad and mulleted, but HE PARKS HIS MOTORCYCLE IN A "NO PARKING" AREA. Swoon city, party of one! Amiright?!? It's time of a little backstory -- we get a vignette of them walking together in matching outfits, with matching, puffy ass hair, and waving to pretend friends (adoring fans?), then riding off into the sunset late morning. Next we're back to the FUPA pants shot, with a possible Delorean sighting in the background, and we get a close up of the stone wall behind Darla (I don't know her name, but it fits). Oh, sike! Darla's back, and her face is more scrunched up than ever. Then we get: road warrior, more scenery filmed from a car window, and a payphone shot, complete with sexy leather gloves! Oh, Darla, it's "anymore" not "no more." Now fancy camera work. Uh oh? What do we have here? Darla's at the airport in her fancy ass limo? Why didn't the driver even carry her bags? And there she goes (we are supposed to assume), flying off to another exotic location. Where do you think she went? My guess is to Dubai to marry a super glamorous Sheik.

P.S. I just saw that Darla's name is really Jan. I'm going to suggest that you go ahead and change that, Jan. It's Darla, now.



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My Former Boyfriend, Jason London, MIGHT Have Pooped His Pants.

pic via (obviously) tmz

TMZ is reporting that Jason London, one half of the London twins that made up my dreams in the early 90's and sexy b*tch from Dazed and Confused, was arrested for ALLEGEDLY fighting bouncers, and then ALLEGEDLY used homophobic slurs to cops, AND THEN ALLEGEDLY POO POOED HIS PANTS. Go over there and read all the details if you wish. It looks like somebody MIGHT ALLEGEDLY need some of these:



And when did all of my fantasy men get old as eff??? Dude's wearing my dad's glasses. I AM NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC OR HYPERBOLIC -- MY DAD HAS THOSE GLASSES. Is this where we are now? All of my pubescent mens that I was totally into are now old, wearing dad glasses, and possibly losing control of their bowels?

I hate my life. But probably not as much as Jason London hates his today. Catch up on his dramzzz on his twitter, too. LUUUUULZ.



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Random Homie: tarte Ultimate Lashes MultiplEYE Lash Primer & Mascara Duo from QVC

qvc, $27 for both

I love very few things in life, a couple of them being a GOOD ass deal and luxurious lashes. So when I found out that QVC was selling this tarte Ultimate Lashes MultiplEYE Lash Primer & Mascara Duo for $27 for FULL SIZE PRODUCTS, I begged them to send me a sample to test. I mean, this ish is a $41 value, guys -- that's a badass deal.

Now before I get into the nitty gritty deets of this stuff, lemme give you a little backstory on my lash history. (Lashtory?) I used Latisse for like a year and a half, and had insane (non-clown posse) eyelashes. When I had to stop using it, for reasons of being a broke ass b, it broke my shallow heart. Since that time, I have tried a ton of products to try to get the most from my post-Latisse, "normal person" lashes. The combination of this tarte multiplEYE lash primer and Lights, Camera, Lashes! Mascara really give a ton of extra jazz hands to my lashes, and really gets the job done. I just do one coat of primer, wait a bit, then a coat (or two, if you're nasty) of mascara. Viola, sexy mofo eyeballs in the house.

If you're looking to get the most from your lashes, without going the fauxness route, totally try this little duo. Check it out on QVC here.

via parksandrec tumblr

You'll be forever photoshoot ready, Knope style.


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Boy, Boys. Can't I Just Have You All?

My God, this is terrifying. I feel like I just escaped from 293,840 serial murders. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THIS SH*T IS YOUR BEST FIRST IMPRESSION??? Here are my thoughts, in order:

• Oh hey, dude number one -- you can take off the effing weightlifting belt. You're sitting in a friggin' chair, ya douche.
• No one named Maurice is a, a-hem, "wild man." (Except maybe the dad in Beauty and the Beast.)
• BIG PHIL??? In comparison to what? Gross, don't answer that.
• Hey "deep into the night" satin shirt, you can't even SIT UP for two minutes???
• Mike, the anti-smoking dude, why did you pirouette a quarter turn? This isn't Glamour Shots. Or maybe it was. Like a two-for-one type deal...
• LISTEN MAURICE, you don't own a tuxedo, and Men's Warehouse is NOT going to refund your deposit, so good luck with that.
• WHY IS YOUR MOM WATCHING THIS, REINDEER SWEATER? You must feel pretty confident that you'll get a date in a timely manner, by wearing such a seasonal piece. Ballsy.
• Best Hair Award has to go to "fashion photography." Did you see that volume? That length??
• I wish an overgrown monster would effing eat your ass, crazy shirt.
• Guy with the rose -- I'm going to vom. You don't even know WTF you're talking about. You. Are. The. Worst.
• WHAT??? YOU GUYS ENJOY HAVING FUN? We have so much in common.
• What is a hamster? Like literally, you don't like the pet rodent?
• I can't even hate on suspenders. Get me that b*tch's number.
• Cats AND domestic violence? That's a tall order. (P.S. Doesn't domestic violence/sexual abuse look like Bruce Jenner?)
• "I average four hours a night's sleep. The rest of the time I am murdering people."
• I might really be in love with reindeer sweater. He's got some strong to quite strong ass eye contact.
• I refuse to even acknowledge the viking.

Why were the 80's so effing terrible? I'd rather do a Garbage Pail Kid than any of these dicks. (Except you, reindeer sweater. You's a keeper.)

 

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