Karate Moves So Sweet That They Can Demolish Buildings (Set to Faux Backstreet Boys Tunes)

You guys, coochie cutters can really bring the heat, when necessary, because this dude is straight killin' it with his kuh-rat-tay. Here's the apparent story behind this hot damn mess (via YouTube):

So here's the story... For those of you from Southern Ontario, it's likely that you went to Canada's Wonderland in Toronto during the late 90's/early 2000's in the Summertime. I have very fond memories of the roller coasters, waterpark and food at the amusement park. One year, I went with some friends and we came across the new video karaoke; essentially, you pay them some money and they create a blue screen video of you and your friends singing a song. They would broadcast the song, including the videos of whoever was singing at the time, on the outside of the building.They had all the hits at the time, including a number of songs by the Backstreet Boys. While I never had the guts to go in and sing something, we happened to be outside the place when this guy went in for his solo. The park staff were stunned, and my friends and I were on the ground crying with laughter! Needless to say, I wanted this video, and the staff were kind enough to oblige. I spent the rest of my spending money for the day on the VHS copy of his performance, and to this day, I still consider it money well spent. It's been hiding in a box in my basement for years, and today, I converted it to digital. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you WTF Backstreet's Back. Enjoy!

Dammit, if time machines ever get invented, I'm setting it to 1999 so I can totally creep on this Danielson.

Werk that locker key, boo.



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PleaseBeRealPleaseBeRealPleaseBeReal. My Favorite Ne-Yo Cover of All Time.

I cannot get enough of this gentleman, whose name is apparently Jerome Smyle. (With a y, because he's sassy as eff.) I'm pretty sure that we're soul sisters, because we share all the same banging ass dance moves and clothing size from 579. 

Sh*t starts to get really hot in the video at the 1:10 mark, when the paddle turns and shoulder shimmies get on and poppin'. But my favorite part is at 1:35 when we completely lose track of Jerome and just look at the road scenery for a few seconds. My eyeballs glazed over for the next three minutes, but I was revived by the sexy ass penetrating gaze at the end.

If this effery is fake, I will lose my damn mind. But until then...

we dance.




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This Is Why We Can't Have Annoying Things...

Because it creates other, even more annoying, things.



"It's smells like my baseball cleats. EWWWWW!" Oh, hell to the naw. The original version of this song is already moderately irritating, but this sh*t is ridiculous. I don't have kids, and nonsense like this is why I've sealed up my uterus.

Parents, please don't buy this. It's friggin' dumb, you guys. For future Earthlings (are easy), or whatever, I beg of you.



This was my jam when I was a kid, and look how wonderfully I turned out.

Case not closed.




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The Moment We All Have (Not) Been Waiting For -- Tan Mom's Music Video

I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.

TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.

I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.



Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.

I'M SERIOUS, J LAW. STOP MOCKING ME.




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Your 2013 Ringtone: Carmen Electra's "Bigger D*ck"

pic via daily mail

Hey guys, you remember that hot b, Carmen Electra, WHO IS NOW EFFING FORTY MUTHA F*CKING ONE AND LOOKS SUPER HOT. Ugh, where do I sign up to sell my soul, or whatever? Carm has a hot new jam about the size of her johnson, called "Bigger D*ck."

ugh. remember this sh*t?

You really need to go listen to Carm's song, because it's truly my slut dance anthem of the millennium. But be warned, this ish is 0% safe for work. Even if you work at a strip club, you'll get fired for blasting this, probably.

But don't act like you're too prim and proper to be into this sh*t.

I can't wait to Say Anything boombox the hell out of everyone I know with this song. Get ready, world.











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GUUUUUURL of the Day: This Highly Refined and Sophisticated (NO.) Boy Band Video

Listen, I don't know from what year this atrocity hailed, but I would venture a guess that it's early 00's. Canned cheese on a cracker, this sh*t is bad. It meets all the criteria of GUUUURL-ness:

• Worst font in the history of fonts -- CHECK
• Biggest fright I've had from viewing a scene through a toy -- CHECK
• Most awkward frosted, chunky, super-saturated with hair wax hair that I've ever seen -- CHECK
• LAYERED wife beaters in assorted colors -- CHECK (Somebody splurged on the 5 pack)
• Adult women flirting with (and touching) an elementary school aged child -- CHECK
• Wide variety of choker necklaces -- CHECK
• Weird sexual innuendo in a video starring a child -- CHECK
• Sh*t ton of track pants -- CHECK
• Upper arm bandana -- CHIGITY CHECK
• Bulletproof vest/life jacket hybrid apparel -- CHECK
• Kid wearing a furry pimp hat -- CHECK
• Possible origination of visual inspiration for Avatar characters -- CHECK
• Skin color more unusual than that of an Avatar character -- CHECK
• Exploitation of homeless character for zero reason -- CHECK

These dudes have hair only one of these ill-advised hats could love.

Thanks be to The Ashlee Simpson Show that the early millenniums are effing over. That was a hot ass mess of a time period. Shut the door on that ish forever, ever. (Ever, ever?)

Yes. Bye, b*tch.

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Tanning Mom Is Bringing You Your New Favorite Club Banger (Nope. She's Totally Not.)

I know, you guys. I'm effing writing about Tanning Mom AGAIN, like a b*tch. But when you come across some straight effery like this right here, it really can't be ignored.

TMZ once again has the good good (or the bad bad) on ol' Patty Krentcil, and has released this clip from her song that will be released tomorrow. Honey child has the voice of an angel this lady. And those lyrics are effing flawless. So set the ish out of your alarm clocks tonight so you can buy this song first thing in the morning, and you can rock out with your SMOCK out all day tomorrow.

practical AND shapeless

I'm sure you hate me for bringing this nonsense song into your life and ear holes, but at least we know that TM kind of hates birds? (Or something?)

Okay, okay, I'm leaving. You can bill me for that extra Cinco marg that you'll have to have to erase this sh*t from your brain. (No, you can't.)




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Hold On To Your, Errmm, Hats (And/Or Do Rags), Ladies.

Warning: Lyrics NSFW, but video is 100% SFL, if you like sexy things.



If this video is a joke, IMMA BE SO PISSED. Move over Drake, because Amanda Bynes is about to be asking this tiny slice of do' ragged, side burned, happy trailed heaven named Dhananjay The First to murder her lady flower. 

Dhananjay likes to discuss the size of his downstairs area in this song, but I'm a little concerned about it, because his underwear is at full-on high tide status. 

And D is super resourceful, because he borrowed that stone washed denim jacket from the set of Brokeback Mountain. He's so sentimental. 

At roughly the 1:00 mark we start to hit some rough waters. D's partner is REALLY wasting a lot of that Mumms. You have A LOT of homies, friend. Not to mention, he's totally ripped off Justin Bieber's dumbass ski mask thing.

I made this last night, and posted it to my instagram, because these are the things that I do with my life and time. And because JB looks prettier this way. 

And can we not even talk about what happens around the 1:13 mark? I had your back, D, and you get on that? No. But if you've made it to 1:19, you get rewarded with 14" of boxers and 3" of hairy chest (and bling). What a ratio. 

At about 1:30, I thought we had introduced a lady friend with lovely hands. But, no, that's just ol' Dhananj, showing off a preview of more swag that it to come. SOMEBODY'S been hitting up the thrift shops! 

At 1:45, we realllly need some lighting here, guys. I know that your Gam Gam said you could use her fancy parlor to film in if you were super quiet and didn't disrupt her watching her stories, but this is ridiculous. SLOW PAN OUT...And scene.

Who the hell am I kidding? I LOVED THIS SH*T.

And, yet, I somehow feel like Jean Ralphio is behind this in some way.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Whatever the Hell Kind of Effery This B is Pulling

Warning: Language NSFW, video NSFL, and get ready to see what your 'sexy' Aunt Sherry's music video would look like.



Oh, sh*t, you guys. Am I a hop, skip, and a lesbian makeout sesh away from this? Autotune was so effing overworked and underpaid on this crap that it just quit this b. I do enjoy how the 'VIP section' of the 'club' is in homegirl's guest bedroom of her condo. Hanging a beige mofo sheet on the wall with thumbtacks that you borrowed from your Condo Association's 'Sexy Cougar Community Board' does not a VIP section make. And we get it, lady is a super sexual man eater that can't be tamed and likes to do young dudes. GOT IT, BOO. I hope you kept the receipt for that bodysuit.

Dammit, I need some mouthwash -- for my eyeballs and my brain.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Hot B*tch That Sings the Theme to The Neverending Story

I feel like a piece of sh*t, you guys. The Neverending Story is one of my down ass b movies. I totally love that crap, and have been searching for a headband like the damn Childlike Empress for my entire adult life. Now that I have actually written that, it seems a little odd, but I don't give an eff. That thing is amazing, and needs to be replicated on my head. So the fact that I have never seen the music video that accompanies the NES theme song is banana pancakes.

HOW HAVE I MISSED OUT ON THIS?!? I seriously thought this sh*t was a joke video that homeboy made at a state fair, where you can record fake music videos. But this is real, man. THAT HAIR EXISTED ON A REAL HUMAN'S HEAD. It's a little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll, and a lot a bit third grade boy. And if that's your singing face all the time, Imma need you to stop singing. It's frightening. And porn-y. And makes me feel uncomfortable in my brain area. I can appreciate the fact that you're giving me full-on FACE, but I can't handle it.

Nope. Not today, sir. Not today.




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Vanessa Hudgens Obviously Used My Budget to Make Her (Sure to be Hit) Teaser Video for $$$ex.

Baby V, what the hell kind of effery is this mess? Does the title desperately need three dollar signs? Leave the innocent pool noodles and fanny packs of the world alone. They don't want any part of your nonsense. And how did you b's film this in my first piece of sh*t apartment? I can't believe they let you paint a wall in there. They wouldn't let me do that crap.

Quick side note about said POS apartment, that is NSFL. It (of course) didn't have a washer and dryer in it, so I would use the on-site laundromat. One day, there was a notice on the door from the police saying that a man had been stealing panties (bleh on that word) from the washers, using them for masturbatory purposes, and then PUTTING THEM BACK IN THE WASHERS. Listen, I get the stealing underwear thing. Whatever, you're weird. BUT PUTTING THAT SH*T BACK? That's some code red grossness. I don't know if dude skipped middle school health class, but you can't get b's pregnant by proxy.

Sorry for the perv story, but it's one that needs to be told. Passed down to generations, and such. So anyway, this video is terrible. End of list.

P.S. I realized today JUST how old I am. In order to watch Smirky McSmirkerson's video twice, I had to mute the sound. Next time I'll just remove my hearing aide.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: LeAnn Rimes and Her Garbage Shorts

via huffpo

According to the Huffington Post, LeAnn was photographed in this literal hot mess at her stepson's baseball game. A couple of issues here -- I mean clearly the sweaty-ass-hootenanny pleather shorts are public vag enemy number one, and totally creepy to wear to a kid's deal. But let's say you are full-on committed to wearing that ish. Would you not at least PUT ON MAKEUP WHEN YOU'RE WEARING VINYL HOT PANTS? If ever a time there arose to wear makeup, this is it, boo boo. And the fact that you are wearing a vintage-y football sweater because you're going to a sporting thing is annoying. How do I live with this owwwwtfit? How do I...How do I...But your boots are cute.

via realitytvgifs

Can you tell I like Brandi Glanville? (I refuse to say Team whatever. It makes me want to vomit.) Homegirl's funny and gives less than an eff. But really, I'm sure it's hard being LeAnn Rimes.



Okay, so I just really, really wanted to use that clip for about three weeks now. Eff it. Viva la moustache.





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This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things.

Nicky just wants to get a rich dude and drink beach drinks. And eat/not eat pork. And wear/not wear hipster glasses from the Russian Claire's Boutique. I'm not really sure if this video is real life or not, but I don't really give an eff. Nicky is the voice of our generation, because who is REALLY sure which faux fir vest they want to wear??? Not I, world. Do ringtones still exist? This is all too much. I need a drink.

You're welcome. I just gave you a reason to get your party started.





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Just In Case You Need a Little Motivation to Get You Through the Rest of the Week

This could be you.

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Who's Up For a Round of "I Watch to Punch Myself About the Eardrums and Eyeballs?"

Before we start talking about the horrendousness that is this "music" video, be warned. This crap is completely NSFW, and not even because it says eff like forty times (which it does), but more for the ear drum safety of those around you.

When I first got started on this hot ass, screamy mess, I thought I was in for some LMFAO-type of tom foolery blandess. Little did I know B's WERE GETTING THEIR FACES SCREAMED INTO FOR FOUR MINUTES. Why are you bringing innocent pig costumes into this fiasco? What did pseudo pigs ever do to your ass? And two of these "band members" did absolutely nothing (except OD on LA Looks hair gel, and possibly have a driver's license). Not even a scream-peep. Weak. And while we're on the whole hair thing, SOMEBODY'S been hitting up a BOGO hair bleach sale at Sally Beauty Supply. WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? I would rather watch Darla all effin' day than these friggin' Tim "The Toolman" Taylor tool bags. (Sorry, Tim Allen. I have no beef with you. Except for maybe those Santa Clause movies.) But seriously, why are you screaming? It doesn't even make sense with the sh*tty song. I hope the home owners' association in your parents' neighborhood kicks them out for letting you film this sh*t in their driveway.

via fyeahitsalwayssunny

Everything.





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Why Not Start Your Saturday Off With Some Delightful Music Stylings? (AKA The Worst Music Video Ever.)

This video was dubbed on YouTube as "the worst music video ever." After watching it roughly seven times, it has kind of become my anthem. It's like the modern day version of Aretha Franklin's "Respect," or something. And lucky for you, I have transcribed the happenings of the entire 4:18 of this diamond in the rough. YOU ARE WELCOME, world.

The first 30 seconds of this mess looks like an opening for a really, really, sh*tty Chicago-based soap opera. Then we see our heroine, looking most reminiscent of a younger, blonder, George Costanza's mother. In the next shot, we really get to see what homegirl is working with, and let me clue you in, sister, those pants are atrocious. It's like FUPAs were breeding with more FUPAs up in there. If it were legal to burn whatever material that makes up those pants, I would highly suggest it. After ANOTHER long shot of the Chicago skyline, our eyes can feast upon the romantic lead of the story. Now, we KNOW that he's a bad boy, because not only is he leather-clad and mulleted, but HE PARKS HIS MOTORCYCLE IN A "NO PARKING" AREA. Swoon city, party of one! Amiright?!? It's time of a little backstory -- we get a vignette of them walking together in matching outfits, with matching, puffy ass hair, and waving to pretend friends (adoring fans?), then riding off into the sunset late morning. Next we're back to the FUPA pants shot, with a possible Delorean sighting in the background, and we get a close up of the stone wall behind Darla (I don't know her name, but it fits). Oh, sike! Darla's back, and her face is more scrunched up than ever. Then we get: road warrior, more scenery filmed from a car window, and a payphone shot, complete with sexy leather gloves! Oh, Darla, it's "anymore" not "no more." Now fancy camera work. Uh oh? What do we have here? Darla's at the airport in her fancy ass limo? Why didn't the driver even carry her bags? And there she goes (we are supposed to assume), flying off to another exotic location. Where do you think she went? My guess is to Dubai to marry a super glamorous Sheik.

P.S. I just saw that Darla's name is really Jan. I'm going to suggest that you go ahead and change that, Jan. It's Darla, now.



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I Think It's Time to Talk Timberlake for a Minute.

via timmy's website

I've kept pretty effin' mum on JT for a long ass time. I didn't say sh*t about that rude ass wedding video, I haven't mentioned how Jessica Biel is irritating to me, I haven't even brought up the meeeeeehhhhh feeling that his new song bring me. (Is it two songs? Is it kind of super boring? I'm old and confused.) But THEN I came across the photos posted on Justin's website of his ass back in the studio, and realized that #1) he looks hot, and #2) his beard isn't very neck beard-y. I mean, amiright?

Not even a shade of this monstrosity in sight, which is completely newsworthy to my ass.

both photos via jt's website

A couple of other noteworthy things -- henleys are apparently the hot sauce to ol' JT, and Timbaland is back. Are we still doing the whole Timbaland thing? I guess Timbaland is to JT what Grumpy Cat is to me. Whatever floats it, I suppose.



I totally know where Justified is biting his style from, however. I watched Paris is Burning for the first time last night, and that henley is looking MIGHTY close to the one that Ken Pendavis is wearing at the 6:30 mark in this video. I see you, Timberlake.

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Get Out Your Fancy Scrunchie.

Holy sh*t, you guys. Screw all of that talk about Destiny's Child getting back together, because over on Buzzfeed they are saying that Kriss (m. effin') Kross ARE REUNITING for a one time concert in Atlanta next month. Let's not pretend like you weren't into this at the time:



You know you tried to force your denim overalls, that your mom bought you from JC Penney's kids' section, on awkwardly backwards, or you are wiggady wiggady wiggady whack. You tried. We all did. Oh and by the by, friends, here's what ol' KK looks like now.

via buzzfeed

Dude on the left is a DEAD RINGER for either KC or JoJo -- I never really figured out who's who.

And don't even get me started on that friggin' turtleneck. Did he time machine here? Now let's all get tickets to this ish and car pool together. Whose mom can drive? We're bringing back middle school.

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I Think Kanye West Wants Us to Put the Lotion on Its Skin.

pics via buzzfeed, via some instagram

I'm all for edgy. And dudes wearing skirts. And doing whatever the eff you feel like. Unless you look scary, which I feel like this is creepin' straight up in the latter category. (Truth bomb: I just had to re-edit the first two sentences roughly three times, because I've had some wine.) This is some Legends of Ga'Hoole meets Silence to the Lambs type sh*t.



It's friggin' weird, and I don't like it. Imagine what the inside of that mask must smell like. It's a feathery, owl mullet. Bleeeeeeeh.

via mrhankey

Okay, I have to go now, before my sh*t get out of hand.




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And on the Eve of Jesus' Birthday, I Present to You: Codependent by the Gold Diggin Divas

No matter your religious beliefs/non beliefs, today I am presenting you with the world's worst present. These are the lovely Gold Diggin Divas, and this is their international hit, "Codependent." Listen to me with your now insulted ears. There are several issues with this mess. Number one, you can't just take a very popular rap song, change a couple of letters, and call it your own. Number two, you girls can get a library card for free (no black card needed) and hit up the dictionary section, because I don't think you know what codependent means. From WebMD (those b's know it all):

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not.”

Yep, not at all what you are "rapping" about. It's kind of the opposite of your intentions. Oh sh*t, today must be opposite day, you guys. It's been a hot minute for me, so I guess I was just rusty on the rules of OD. Now, I'm off to get my cootie shot.

 ENJOY.

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