Who's Up For a Round of "I Watch to Punch Myself About the Eardrums and Eyeballs?"

Before we start talking about the horrendousness that is this "music" video, be warned. This crap is completely NSFW, and not even because it says eff like forty times (which it does), but more for the ear drum safety of those around you.

When I first got started on this hot ass, screamy mess, I thought I was in for some LMFAO-type of tom foolery blandess. Little did I know B's WERE GETTING THEIR FACES SCREAMED INTO FOR FOUR MINUTES. Why are you bringing innocent pig costumes into this fiasco? What did pseudo pigs ever do to your ass? And two of these "band members" did absolutely nothing (except OD on LA Looks hair gel, and possibly have a driver's license). Not even a scream-peep. Weak. And while we're on the whole hair thing, SOMEBODY'S been hitting up a BOGO hair bleach sale at Sally Beauty Supply. WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? I would rather watch Darla all effin' day than these friggin' Tim "The Toolman" Taylor tool bags. (Sorry, Tim Allen. I have no beef with you. Except for maybe those Santa Clause movies.) But seriously, why are you screaming? It doesn't even make sense with the sh*tty song. I hope the home owners' association in your parents' neighborhood kicks them out for letting you film this sh*t in their driveway.

via fyeahitsalwayssunny

Everything.





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Why Not Start Your Saturday Off With Some Delightful Music Stylings? (AKA The Worst Music Video Ever.)

This video was dubbed on YouTube as "the worst music video ever." After watching it roughly seven times, it has kind of become my anthem. It's like the modern day version of Aretha Franklin's "Respect," or something. And lucky for you, I have transcribed the happenings of the entire 4:18 of this diamond in the rough. YOU ARE WELCOME, world.

The first 30 seconds of this mess looks like an opening for a really, really, sh*tty Chicago-based soap opera. Then we see our heroine, looking most reminiscent of a younger, blonder, George Costanza's mother. In the next shot, we really get to see what homegirl is working with, and let me clue you in, sister, those pants are atrocious. It's like FUPAs were breeding with more FUPAs up in there. If it were legal to burn whatever material that makes up those pants, I would highly suggest it. After ANOTHER long shot of the Chicago skyline, our eyes can feast upon the romantic lead of the story. Now, we KNOW that he's a bad boy, because not only is he leather-clad and mulleted, but HE PARKS HIS MOTORCYCLE IN A "NO PARKING" AREA. Swoon city, party of one! Amiright?!? It's time of a little backstory -- we get a vignette of them walking together in matching outfits, with matching, puffy ass hair, and waving to pretend friends (adoring fans?), then riding off into the sunset late morning. Next we're back to the FUPA pants shot, with a possible Delorean sighting in the background, and we get a close up of the stone wall behind Darla (I don't know her name, but it fits). Oh, sike! Darla's back, and her face is more scrunched up than ever. Then we get: road warrior, more scenery filmed from a car window, and a payphone shot, complete with sexy leather gloves! Oh, Darla, it's "anymore" not "no more." Now fancy camera work. Uh oh? What do we have here? Darla's at the airport in her fancy ass limo? Why didn't the driver even carry her bags? And there she goes (we are supposed to assume), flying off to another exotic location. Where do you think she went? My guess is to Dubai to marry a super glamorous Sheik.

P.S. I just saw that Darla's name is really Jan. I'm going to suggest that you go ahead and change that, Jan. It's Darla, now.



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I Think It's Time to Talk Timberlake for a Minute.

via timmy's website

I've kept pretty effin' mum on JT for a long ass time. I didn't say sh*t about that rude ass wedding video, I haven't mentioned how Jessica Biel is irritating to me, I haven't even brought up the meeeeeehhhhh feeling that his new song bring me. (Is it two songs? Is it kind of super boring? I'm old and confused.) But THEN I came across the photos posted on Justin's website of his ass back in the studio, and realized that #1) he looks hot, and #2) his beard isn't very neck beard-y. I mean, amiright?

Not even a shade of this monstrosity in sight, which is completely newsworthy to my ass.

both photos via jt's website

A couple of other noteworthy things -- henleys are apparently the hot sauce to ol' JT, and Timbaland is back. Are we still doing the whole Timbaland thing? I guess Timbaland is to JT what Grumpy Cat is to me. Whatever floats it, I suppose.



I totally know where Justified is biting his style from, however. I watched Paris is Burning for the first time last night, and that henley is looking MIGHTY close to the one that Ken Pendavis is wearing at the 6:30 mark in this video. I see you, Timberlake.

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Get Out Your Fancy Scrunchie.

Holy sh*t, you guys. Screw all of that talk about Destiny's Child getting back together, because over on Buzzfeed they are saying that Kriss (m. effin') Kross ARE REUNITING for a one time concert in Atlanta next month. Let's not pretend like you weren't into this at the time:



You know you tried to force your denim overalls, that your mom bought you from JC Penney's kids' section, on awkwardly backwards, or you are wiggady wiggady wiggady whack. You tried. We all did. Oh and by the by, friends, here's what ol' KK looks like now.

via buzzfeed

Dude on the left is a DEAD RINGER for either KC or JoJo -- I never really figured out who's who.

And don't even get me started on that friggin' turtleneck. Did he time machine here? Now let's all get tickets to this ish and car pool together. Whose mom can drive? We're bringing back middle school.

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I Think Kanye West Wants Us to Put the Lotion on Its Skin.

pics via buzzfeed, via some instagram

I'm all for edgy. And dudes wearing skirts. And doing whatever the eff you feel like. Unless you look scary, which I feel like this is creepin' straight up in the latter category. (Truth bomb: I just had to re-edit the first two sentences roughly three times, because I've had some wine.) This is some Legends of Ga'Hoole meets Silence to the Lambs type sh*t.



It's friggin' weird, and I don't like it. Imagine what the inside of that mask must smell like. It's a feathery, owl mullet. Bleeeeeeeh.

via mrhankey

Okay, I have to go now, before my sh*t get out of hand.




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And on the Eve of Jesus' Birthday, I Present to You: Codependent by the Gold Diggin Divas

No matter your religious beliefs/non beliefs, today I am presenting you with the world's worst present. These are the lovely Gold Diggin Divas, and this is their international hit, "Codependent." Listen to me with your now insulted ears. There are several issues with this mess. Number one, you can't just take a very popular rap song, change a couple of letters, and call it your own. Number two, you girls can get a library card for free (no black card needed) and hit up the dictionary section, because I don't think you know what codependent means. From WebMD (those b's know it all):

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not.”

Yep, not at all what you are "rapping" about. It's kind of the opposite of your intentions. Oh sh*t, today must be opposite day, you guys. It's been a hot minute for me, so I guess I was just rusty on the rules of OD. Now, I'm off to get my cootie shot.

 ENJOY.

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Just in Case You Feel Like Judging the Sh*t Out of Someone, This is What I Did Today.

Yep. This is real life.

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Annnnd THIS is Why I Can't Deal With Holiday Foolery.

What the hell did I just watch? Why did this have to be filmed two hours from my house? What is happening with Travolta's hair helmet? Does he understand that 50 somethings (or anyone, really) shouldn't be wearing and utilizing chain wallets? Did the soldier guy even know the cop? What grade school Audio/Visual Club shot this video? Should someone tell those children to omit this tragedy from their resume? Since when is doing a jazz square repeatedly considered dancing?

I could ask these questions all damn day.

via logotv

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I Know I Said I Hate the Holidays...

But I really love Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is You." And this rendition with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots is pretty effin' awesome. Plus, the little girl with the glittery flower on her head is totally my soul sister. All the other kids are staring into the camera the whole time and she's like, "I'm just performing for myself. These other kids are so needy." Plus, there was this...

The side eye that she's giving this boy is awesome. She's all, "What the eff is this kid doing? Friggin' amateurs. What is this, a Barney table read? I've really got to talk to my agent about this mess." She is amazing.

And the fact that Mariah looks like she's wearing star pasties is definitely helping the situation. Faux dress pasties are always a plus in my book. Now let's reflect our younger years with the OG version.



Okay, holiday mode is off again, unless Ryan Gosling rides up to my house on a unicorn in a Santa suit...Side saddle style.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Paris Hilton's Latest "Music"

Unfortunately, TMZ leaked this horrible collaboration of Paris Hilton and Lil' Wayne today, and it is really confusing my ass. Why are we still playing this charade with Paris Hilton? 'Tis not 2004 anymore, (not that) young lady. No one was into "Stars are Blind," and we don't want anymore of your baby voice. Especially when the song is so endearingly entitled, "I WANT TO BANG YOU." Not on my watch, b. This is not happening. I would much rather watch this on repeat. (Oh wait, I already do.)

And while we're at it, WHERE THE EFF IS TINKERBELL???

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Explain This Ish to an Old Person -- Is This New Lady Gaga Video Good?

I would like to start out by saying that I originally typed "food" instead of "good" when I typed that title. Howngray b, party of one? But seriously, young bucks, is this supposed to be a good song? Am I supposed to be poppin' that ass to this? I'm confused. And hungry, and then more confused. And also have a strong case of the olds.

P.S. I WANT to like this mess. I mean, it's called CAKE for God's sake. (Nursery rhymes, be damned.)


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Get Ready to Rock Out With Your...Nevermind. It's Thanksgiving, According to This Young Lady.

I've found my new jam to twerk it to, you guys. This is Nicole Westbrook, and she wants you to know that it's Thanksgiving. I don't even know what the story is here, but I do kind of want that dude's turkey hat. But seriously, are we just letting kids do whatever the eff they want to these days? (Sh*t, I'm old.)



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New Music Thursday! (Okay, That's Not a Thing, But It's Thursday. And There's New Music.)

Vampire Weekend played a new song, called "Unbelievers," last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live. I effin' love VW, so I'm totally into pretty much anything that they do. They're on my "Must See" concert list, but b's pretty much don't do ANY live performances at this point.

via lizlemongifs

So, I'll just have to live my life unrequited. Friggin' balls, man.



Also coming out with a new music teaser, is Ashlee Simpson, with a song called "Bat for a Heart." Hmmmkay. BE WARNED: Don't blast this ish at work. She says the f word roughly three times in this clip. It sounds pretty good, but it's no "Pieces of Me" in this piece. I'll probably like her new stuff, because I'm lame as a mofo.

What do you guys think? Are you into either one of these? Or do I have horrible musical tastes? (NO, I DON'T!)



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Rihanna's Expensive Ass Album

pic via ri ri's instagram

Rihanna is coming out with a new album November 16th, called Unapologetic, which is a completely appropriate title. Why? She is selling a "deluxe" copy of the CD for effing $250! IN THIS ECONOMY?!? ( I really love saying that.) But seriously, that's friggin' insane. According to US Weekly, here's what you get for that quarter thou:

Described as a "limited edition art piece for a true collector," the Diamonds Executive Platinum Box comes packed with super-exclusive extras, including a handwritten personal note from the star and a custom-made white-and-silver View-Master with a "vintage reel of never-before-released 3-D images" of her style evolution.

Fans who purchase the set will also get a T-shirt, a two-gigabyte flash drive with Rihanna's photo on it, seven art-print lithographs, seven laptop stickers, a poster, a 40-page book of notes and lyrics, a 20-minute DVD, and a special-edition vinyl record featuring remixes of the hit "Diamonds."

Oh, you get a View-Master! Nevermind, ish is TOTALLY worth it. And she's going to write you a post-it note, or something. Enjoy, richie riches!

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NSFCHB (Not Safe for Cold Hearted B's)

This is a clip from Night of Too Many Stars, which airs on Comedy Central on Sunday, and is an Autism benefit featuring different celebrities doing stuff (I'm such a prolific writer). The video is a duet of Katy Perry and Jodi DiPiazza, who is a child with Autism, singing Firework while Jodi plays the piano. This ish is touching as hell, so don't watch it if you want to retain your b face status at work (or wherever -- I'm not up in your life like that) today. But seriously, watch it. It's sweet as a mofo.

Okay, b face reactivated.

via huffington post



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Where's My Dirty B, and Who is This Imposter?!?

pic via daily mail

This is ALLEGEDLY a picture of Ke$ha, but I'm calling shenanigans on that mess. I mean, her lady flower is covered up with fabric that isn't made from fishnet! She's wearing a BUTTONED UP COLLAR! HER HAIR IS FRESHLY LAUNDERED! She has an effin' blow out. No, this is not Ke$ha. This isn't even Kesha. I think that this is Stephanie Pratt from The Hills.

AmIright? Someone hurry and get Ke$ha some glitter before this ish gets out of hand. Is there a glitter and dirt shortage right now? Maybe that would explain it. I officially look 250% dirtier than Ke$ha right now. What is happening???



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Ready or Not...

pic via wyclef's twitter

When the Fugees were singing that song, this is NOT what I had in mind. Yesterday was Wyclef Jean's 43rd birthday, and this is how he celebrated -- posing for his own Wyclef + Motorcycles + Baby Oil = Hey Sexy (or not) 2013 Calendar. He's taking pre-orders now, people. Get enough for everyone you know, will be selling like cold cakes.

We are not ready for your jelly, Wyclef. Not ready. It's too much.


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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure

You guys are going to hate my ass, but I am having a total Ke$$$$$$ha moment lately. Her new song is totally ear wigging the hell out of my brain, so I came up with some ways to get all Kesha-ed out, without actually rubbing dirt (and possible body fluids) on yourself. Read my tips over on the Allure blog.


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It's Just Getting to Be Too Much. (AKA The New Christina Aguilera Video)

I think that the time has come to give up the shenanigans. I am not saying that Aggy is old. We are the same effing age. So, with complete empathy and understanding I say to you, dear lady -- isn't is time to stop faux beej-ing/killing dudes with your sex in bathrooms? Listen, I dress myself like a confused five year old that idolizes Russell Brand, so I totally get it. Being in your 30's is hard. But when you are almost old enough to run for President, it might be time to stop wearing dresses that you buy in a ziploc bag from the adult novelty store. We're getting old, boo boo. And that's why...

pic via mr hankey

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HOPPY WEEKEND (Don't Worry, I Totally Hate Myself for That Horrendous Pun. Gross.)

                                                                     via buzzfeed

You are welcome for your new ringtone.

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