Monday, September 30, 2013

RuPaul Just Rocked My Damn World With MAC's Viva Glam (The Original) Lipstick.

I really went to MAC the other day to just check out what the what was with that RiRi collection, and maybe to see what those Retro Matte 'sticks were all about. But when my ass was in there, one of the MAC girls told me about RuPaul's OG Viva Glam being back, and how IT WAS A MATTE BURGUNDY RED, and my ass was sold faster than fried pickles (to me). Even though I ALREADY have an effing red lip that I love. I'm such a dumb dumb sucker...for every damn thing.

mac viva glam, $15
But on the real, TELL ME THAT F*CKING COLOR ISN'T GORGEOUS. YOU'D BE A LIE.

via pandoraboxx
Oh, but that's not even all the good good, baby bubba

 

This sh*t lasts a crazy long time. Like, almost as long as the terrible one-ply toilet paper I bought at a convenience store three weeks ago. (Why won't it end? WHY?) My lips lasted through an entire shift at work, even through eating and drinking (I do a lot of that mess), with very little fading.

my typical work day, IN MY DREAMS.
PLUS, it's not drying, and doesn't get weird and pill-y like pretty much all the for real long wear lipsticks. It's pretty much perfection in a stick.


Thanks, Ru.



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Thursday, September 26, 2013

Zach Galifianakis is Skinny; Spanks Justin Bieber.

I don't know, you guys. I'm not sure that I can get down with this new waifish Zachy G. It just feels weird to me.


But you know what doesn't feel weird to me? Baby Biebs being spanked (in a completely nonsexual manner) with a belt.



Bieber's blouse is an inch or two and a stiff tug away from Flashdance territory.


Hot. Also, I will not rest until JB stops trying to act in ANYTHING. It's bad. Real bad.


I see you, Bieber.







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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Old People, These Celebrity Happenings Are For You.

You guys remember Corey Feldman, right?

80s chauffeur meets sexy airline pilot chic
Yep, that Corey. He apparently has a new music video, called "Ascension Millennium," in which he looks to be reprising his role in The Lost Boys, because homeboy is looking undead lite. Keep eating those pancakes and maybe up your Flintstones Vitamins intake, boss, because you are looking a bit like a tepid glass of tap water. I feel concern in my cold, dead heart.


via fishwrapper

I am feeling those baby gloves, though. I just wish that Corey's music video made me get more of this kind of vibe from The Lost Boys.



Tell me you're not hypnotized by that oil field of a chest/Home Depot chain combo. It will be a damn lie.

Speaking of my old school people, Melissa Joan Hart, who I will always see as this literal hot mess in my mind:


Is coming out with a tell-all book entitled, Melissa Explains It All. (See what she did there?) This serious piece of literature is not, sadly, about how to make a ball gown from strawberry-flavored Fruit Roll Ups (I would totally read that sh*t), but about her "wild" lifestyle in the late 90's. According to Life & Style, Melissa said, “I experimented with weed, Ecstasy, mushrooms and mescaline for about a year and a half. " She also said that she made out with a girl in a limo, or something.


Boring. Holla back when you're ready to say that you made out with Salem the cat from Sabrina the Teenaged Witch. Or that you did bath salts with that dude that climbed through the Clarissa window, or something.

Step up your game, old people. You're making us look super non-scandalous.


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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig
After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah
how NOT to have an even skin tone
I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.


The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care
chokers 4 eva
Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety
how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?
Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.


I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.


Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





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Friday, September 20, 2013

My "I'm Just Not That Into You" Celebrity Moments of the Week

Listen, I know that I hate just about everything, but there was a hell of a lot of sh*tty nonsense going on this week.


YOU GUYS. JT and JB showed up to premiere of that terrible looking Timberlake/Affleck movie wearing matching suits. I'm pretty sure that Biel is Single White Female-ing JT and Benadryled him into wearing this mess. I mean look at those hazy ass eyes. Something ain't right. I need to see receipts!



Ready for the ultimate day ruiner? Baby Biebs is now a shirtless/tie-dyed tank dress wearing rapper. I really can't even with this b*tch anymore. I don't want to hear any song that involves penises and Bieber-related things, like, ever.


 The likelihood that I might vomit is currently strong to quite strong.



Speaking of vomitous information you can't use, here is the state of Gwyneth Paltrow's pubic area.


Nope.

And speaking of Gwynnie, when the f*ck did Brad Pitt turn into Robert Redford?


I mean, Robert Redford is hot and everything, but Jesus take the wheel -- I'm not ready for that jelly. That means all of our asses are old.


And in my favorite news of the week:

via daily mail
C Stodd got turnt the eff up so much that she broke off the control knob. Bruises be damned and everything.


Homegirl got crunk as hell in London the other night, and I strongly suggest that you check out all the pics over at The Daily Mail.


Happy weekend, if you get one of those. Celebrities, carry on with the grossery. I can't wait.



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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, I'll help you "Fake It Till You Make It: How to Create Those Beauty Features You Weren't Born With." Faking sh*t has never looked so good. You can check it here.




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Monday, September 16, 2013

Get Out Your Jnco Jeans, We're Getting Our Rave Sh*t On With CIATÉ Corrupted Neons Nails

I dragged my ancient ass to a music festival this past weekend. I'm probably way too old for all of that hippie effery, but I just can't quit that sh*t.


Anyway, it was the perfect time to give the Corrupted Neons Manicure Sets that Ciaté so kindly sent me a try.

ciaté corrupted neons manicure set, $25 (sephora)

The kit comes with a neon(y) polish, loose glitter, and a top cot THAT GLOWS IN BLACK LIGHT. My annoying ass 17 year old self shopping in the Spencer's Gifts poster section just f*cking died. The finish is kind of rough matte glitter, and it's pretty boss.

from l to r : club tropicana, foam party, shout out, and megaphone
So this is a sh*tty picture, and doesn't really give you any idea of what the polish really looks like, but you can get an idea of an idea. Plus, I used every damn one so I could try to fool festival patrons into thinking that I MIGHT not be an old ass b. (It didn't work.) I think my favorite color was Foam Party, because the glitter was glittery-er...Somewhere on this earth Mariah Carey just threw so much shade at me.


But look at them in the black light! Except for it highlighting the sh*tiness of my manicuring skills, it was pretty, pretty good. Nothing has ever looked this saucy in a black light since water-filled Captain Morgan bottles met highlighters.


And it really wasn't that hard to do. (You know I am incapable of completing difficult tasks.) You paint two coats of polish, dump some glitter on while the polish is still super wet (don't be gross), and add the glowy top coat deal after it dries.


One word of warning -- much like my life, this sh*t can get messy, so do the glitter part over the sink. Other than that, this stuff is a really fun, non-extacy induced way to feel rave-y and nouveau retro.


And my sink doesn't really have black mold, or anything. It's just a dirt filter that cool people use. Check out the whole deal about the Corrupted Neons here.



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Thursday, September 12, 2013

Great. I'm the Effing Worst, Part 308430984: Justin Bieber Mustache Edition

You b*tches know there are very few things that I hold closer to my heart than hating on Biebs. (Basically, just koalas, unicorns, bacon, and wine.) SO THAT'S WHY I HATE MYSELF. I really, really, really wanted to make fun of Justin Bieber's non-stache today, as seen here:

via huffpo
We can all hash out that shower curtain liner-embellished, brought to you by the letter "Y" shirt at a later date, because here's another picture of the offensive three hairs:

via jb's instagram
And here:

bieb's i.g. again
I mean what IS that??? I had so, so many Kip jokes to make, you guys.


Like, a lot.


And the worst thing, ever, happened.

yep, still stalking the instagram
HE SHAVED THAT STUPID SH*T. AND PUT ON A HAT THAT I F*CKING WANT TO WEAR.


I hate everything.


I need to pet baby stray kittens (after vaccinations) and drink (more) wine.



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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Hot B's Look Hot.

Hey mofos, sorry I've been sh*ttier than reg lately, but I've been busy and crap. I know, I know. Having a job and stuff is such a c-block for sh*t talking. While I've been gone, people have been looking real, real foiiine.

via brit brit's twitter
Look at my homegirl, looking all good for her new music video. DON'T YOU DARE SAY OTHERWISE, BECAUSE I LOVE HER ASS FOREVER EVER.


I haven't seen Mila Kunis in what feel like forever (except tragically wearing jean capri pants and sneakers), but don't worry,she's still hot.

via huffpo
 I know, shocking. What a b.


Also looking annoyingly hot is ol' Scarlett Johansson.

via huffpo
B*tch is straight glowing, maybe because she just got engaged and she's getting that straight good good.


Or she has a good skin care regimen. I don't don't her life like that.

via daily mail
And finally, in the old(er) school male model category, Tyson Beckford was traipsing around topless as hell in NYC the other day. My ass does not mind. DUDE IS 42, YOU GUYS. Work that sh*t.


Stay tuned tomorrow, because I have a super serious Bieber issue that all of our eyeballs need to deal with.




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