How To Take Your Face From Basic To Bad In 10 Seconds Flat

Some days you just have a case of ye olde blah face. Whether you're feeling half shitty, tired, or just can't find any effs to gives towards trying -- we've all been there, sister. It happens.

I'm meh-faced and I know it.

Luckily, there is an easy cure-all for this dreadful affliction, and it takes the absolute minimal time and effort, because you know how I do.  I'm talking about getting fancy with yourself and using a bold lipstick. I know that there are still some of you out there that are all, "I just can't do a bright/dark/whatever lip colors." I SEE YOU, AND YES, YOU CAN.

Are there rules and shit about picking cool-toned lipsticks if you're a cool-skinned person, and all of that hootenanny? Yeah, sure, whatever. But who cares? That's boring. All you really need is a "Bitch, I look good" attitude adjustment, and you can wear whatever the hell makeup item that you're into at that exact second.

With that in mind, here are some of my ride-or-die lipsticks in various shades that are sure to cure boring face in under ten seconds flat. (TIME ME, MOFOs.)

NYX Matte Lipstick in Shocking Pink ($5-$6)

I wasn't lying when I told you I wasn't giving up bright lipsticks anytime soon. In fact, I bought this lipstick after I wrote that post. Screw you, Fall stereotypes!

If you fancy yourself a real girly girl, fuchsia might be the perfect gateway lipstick to jump off your bold lip kick. And if you have a darker skin tone, THIS NEEDS TO BE YOUR SHIT.

MAC Viva Glam I ($16)

Let's be real -- red lips are the training wheels of bold and bangin' lipsticks. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I love red lipstick, and absolutely every pair of lips attached to a face can pull it off. If you're one of those homies that I referenced who are still scared to get crazy with your lipstick, this puppy is for you.

NYX Matte Lipstick in Indie Flick ($5-$6)

My husband just saw me working on this and said, "That lipstick is too crazy," re: this picture. (For reference, he said the red lipstick picture looked "normal.") So, now we're getting divorced. JK.

Orange-y lipsticks are definitely on the more adventurous side of the tracks. Like, where people that think a meal consisting of chips and wine are a more than adequate dinner live. I live there. Join me. It's fun (and apparently crazy) here.

Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame ($22)

Don't get it twisted, I'm not exclusively about that bright lip game. Dark lips are equally dope. In fact, being the moody brooder that I am, deep berry lipsticks probably match my personality best. But I also like unicorns and mermaids and such, so....you see why the shades are vast and varied here.

Okay, I'm 100% sick of looking at my own damn mug, so I'm wrapping it up. What bold-to-death lipstick shades are you into? Tell me in the comments. Or maybe even upload a picture of YOUR beautiful mug. I WANT TO SEE ALL THE THINGS.

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Miley Cyrus Show's Off Fall's Biggest Trends: Ice Cream Nips And Pill Glasses

pic via miley's instagram

"Oh, hey, guys. I don't really get why everybody is all up on me about being over the top, and shit. I'm just being Miley. HAHAHHA. Remember that? But f'real, what's the big ol' deal about letting your boobs free? And wearing DIY pill googles? At night? And having a worrisome glitter-rash? Pshhaw, get a life, y'all. IT AIN'T NO THING." - Miley***

***Not a direct MiCy quote, so don't be pinning that crap to your inspirational Pinterest board (bored?), or whatever.

Listen, I actually can't find any effs to rub together that Miley is running around sans turtleneck. Or even dickie. Whatever. If you want to wear food-centric pasties until your nips quit that bitch, I really don't care. It's your silly-ass life.

But when homie posted this picture, I really COULD NOT cosign on the outlandish behavior.

via instagram

In case you have a case of the I-can't-see-upside-downs, it says "Punk's Not Dead" with a picture of Britney Spears shaving her head.

I WILL HIDE YOUR ARTS AND CRAFTS SUPPLIES. Do not mess with my Brit Brit. Meanwhile...



Brit's killing us softly with ankle socks.

 

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Middle School Humor With Matthew Crawley (Or Dan Stevens, If You're Nasty)

Please watch this morning show host ask Matthew Crawley if he "had to beat off a lot of American men" to get his latest part in the movie The Guest. Homegirl does not get what might be funny about this shit AT ALL, and even repeats herself, causing MC/DS to throw himself a little giggle fest.

Because I'm mentally a twelve year old boy, this makes me laugh every time I watch it. HJ/handy humor never gets old. Thank you for all that you do, British ladies.

P.S. Dan Stevens is looking super-svelte and sexual these days, non? Nooooice.


via jezebel


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If You're Having A Rough Week, Here's The Cutest Baby Hippo Alive

CAN YOU EVEN HANDLE THIS? The answer is either: a) doy, you can't, or b) you're a GD monster.

According to Buzzfeed, this beautiful little muffin is Olivia, and she's a one-month-old pygmy hippo living in a zoo in Sweden. So she's pretty much a damn international treasure.

Look at that little puppy butt! And those ears!

She's just a little piece of perfect, rubbery pie. I want to squish her little rolls together all day long.

And let's be real -- she's probably named after Olivia Benson, as every human should be. OLIVIA 4EVA!!!


via buzzfeed / pics via zoo's facebook



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Allure Get The Look: Old School TV Dallas Meets That New New TV Dallas

This week for my Allure Insiders video I took a little bit of the old and glam-y Dallas TV show and mixed in that new new Dallas to come up with a combo look. I always hated Combos (the snack cracker), but this actually turns out okay! No fake, powdery cheese is involved, but hot rollers are.

Check it out and get an instant contact hairspray high. I MEAN, IT'S TEXAS, Y'ALL.



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An Introspective Look (HAHAHA, YEAH RIGHT) At The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story

We open on throngs of screaming kids (Jesus, take the wheel) at a SBTB probable mall appearance in 1990. It's the height of the kids' popularity, and bitches be wilding, et al. "But it wasn't always this way," Screech ruminates, and we go back TWO WHOLE YEARS to see the rocky start.

Right from the jump off we learn that this is Screech's (okay, Dustin Diamond, complete birth name) story. Well, kind of. He's apparently an executive producer, but didn't contribute to the script. Or the production. This shit is way #unauthorized. And jankety.

We learn that the OG show was called Good Morning, Miss Bliss, because HELLO, IT'S HAYLEY MF-ING MILLS. Google that shit if you're too young to pick up what I'm throwing down. Blah, blah, blah, it gets cancelled and morphs into Saved by the Bell. My favorite part during this "act" was the total shade thrown at Jennie Garth, who was up for the Kelly Kapowski part. The show biz-y mofo's were all, "We can do better." HAHAHA. Take that, Kelly Taylor!

The kids are doing their boring homeschool, or whatever you call on-set learin' times, and we get to see Slater wearing all of THIS. We also get to see Zach (Zack?) dying his roots. I feel you, bro.

The big wigs tell the kids that the ratings suck a fat one. But don't worry, the ratings are amazing in the next scene! Wowee wowee wow!

Now we're back to the opening scene, where girls are literally ripping the shirt from Zach(k)'s tiny body. Is this nip pic illegal? Also, everyone in this movies seems super Canadian.

We next see Screech going through such tough times as: not getting groupie strange and the wardrobe lady saying, "I hate working with kids!" Ruff. This all leads to daydreams comprised of whatever the eff this is:

via lifetime tv tumblr

Mark-Paul Z likes Lisa/Lark, but she's a Jehovah's Witness, so she can't go on dates. But then Tiffani-Amber and Mark-Paul (Yeezus, with all of the damn names) have to kiss, and they maybe like doing it, or something. Unclear.

I 100% had that shirt in 1993. I'm talking about Mark-Paul's. Why is this my life?

Everyone starts hating Screech/Dustin's ass because he laughed at Jessie/Elizabeth's hilarious "I'm so excited...I'm so...scared," pill scene, so he goes on a garbage-can-kicking/drinking-straight-vodka-from-a-flask binge. Sacre bleu! (Remind me to tell you the story of me throwing up in the yard of a party after drinking a water bottle filled with vodka at 16. It was a straight horror movie. You've got to come harder than that, Screech/Dustin.)

Then Screech/Dustin allegedly punches out this kid, which I can 100% guarantee did not happen IRL. He also does karate and drinks from a flask again. Where the shit does a 16 year old kid get a flask? I don't even have a flask and I'm a grown ass woman. Do I need a flask? Is that what the kids are doing these days?

All the kids are doing press tours, and poor Screech/Dustin has to go to Spartanburg, SC (NC?). NOT PARIS, USA. He again drinks from the flask, which may or may not have a dragon on it. It might be a yin yang symbol. Again, unclear. He also tells his dad that he got laid. Guh-ross, amirite?

Everything starts going crazy (in the most tame way possible). Jessie and Kelly quit, and Screech/Dustin starts taking the marijuanas. THE GATEWAY DRUG. After being a total druggy, Screech/Dustin get blackmailed over a video of him smoking pot. I mean, how much can one person take?!?

Finally, the children all graduate and we can put this shitshow to bed. This was the least scandalous unauthorized form of anything that I've ever seen. I was 0.000000% shocked by anything. Good job not being terrible kids, I guess?

Did you watch this mess? What did you think?




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The Pumpkin Spice Latte Is Here, But I'm Bucking The System And Not Giving Up These Anti-Fall Beauty Favorites

Listen, I'm super friggin' over Summer. It's still so ungodly hot out that I can't even leave my house, and I am completely ready for cooler Fall weather. BUT, that doesn't mean that I'm prepared for the onslaught of all things Fall-themed. The fact that Starbucks already released the Pumpkin Spice Latte is just ridiculous. IT'S TOO DAMN SOON, MAN.

Fall or not, there are a few beauty things that tend to be regarded as #SUMMERLEMONADEBIKINIWATERMELONBLAHHHH that I absolutely refuse to leave behind as I jump into a damn pile of leaves or whatever. Let's discuss.

 Shiny White Talons

I really love white nails. And not only because they are the color of unicorns' fur. Don't be ridiculous. (Okay, that's totally part of it.) But they're typically thought of as the epitome of a Summer color, with that fogey-ass "no white after Labor Day" nonsense. 

So you can imagine my complete and total (Sunny) delight when Floss Gloss sent me their new Fall/Winter polish colors, and one of them was the baddest beyotch of a white polish called Mrs. Tony Montana ($8). This nail polish is a little piece of marshmallow-y perfection. It doesn't streak at all, and goes on without a damn hitch, which is UNHEARD of in a opaque white polish. I love this baby polish, I'll never let it go. No matter what season.

Bright-Mouthed B

(I'm wearing CoverGirl Lip Perfection in Spellbound)

I know, I know. Fall times are all about a vampy lip and shit. And don't get me wrong, I adore a dark lipstick. I really consider myself to be at least 67% emo. But that doesn't mean that I'm planning on giving up bright pink lips any-dang-time soon. It's just pretty, and I'm not ready. Whatever.

If you want to keep on keepin' on with the brightness, you don't have to spend 7.2 billion dollars on a crazy pink lipstick. (Although I do love the Make Up For Ever Aqua Rouge Fuschia lip.) If you can't really get spendy right now, I totally feel you sister. Luckily, CoverGirl and NYX both make pretty fantastic bright lips. I'm keeping it pink, baby. (And red. And dark. I WANT IT ALL, AND I WANT IT NOW.)

Lazy Messy Hair

Most people probably call this "beachy hair," but I veto that because I don't like the damn beach. Whatever you want to call this deal, I will not be giving it up when the season is over. This style is my go-to, mainly because it's the laziest lazy that's ever lazied and doesn't look terrible.

Here's how I do the damn thing: when I get out of the shower, I wait until my hair is damp, then spray it with a light leave-in conditioner and brush it through. Ideally, you would want to skip the brushing to maintain waves/curls, but my hair is fine and just gets tangled as shit, so I have to brush it. Then I spray Sally Hershberger Supreme Lift Root Spray at the roots on the top and crown of my head, and blow dry just my bangs. I let the rest of my air dry, then spray a surf spray (Bumble and bumble is my ride-or-die, but this Wella one isn't too bad, either.) throughout the length of my hair and scrunch it like it's 1989 in this piece, until it's all dry. Total time of doing actual things? Like two minutes.

If I want it a little more done and wavy, I'll pick out a few pieces and wrap them around a curling iron. Usually I don't, because lazy.

What are you unwilling to let go of from the Summertimes? Don't worry, I won't make you stop, like, ever. Get off our asses, Fall. We do what we want.





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