Just In Time To Be Uncomfortably Terrified One Last Time This Year: A Dude Pretending To Be A Tiger.

The fact that this video is entitled "White Tiger 5" is horrifying. That means we haven't gotten enough from episodes one through friggin' four. I know that this is something sexual to some people, but I'm not really sure to what kink demographic. People that are into the retired tigers from Sigfried & Roy? Faux claw fetishes? Leotard aficionados? Dudes that like sexy animal versions of President Martin van Buren's sideburns?

Whoever finds this porn-y, do you, and sh*t. I'll just be over here mentally bleaching the eff out of my brain area.

Happy New Year.



via reddit


Pin It

Beauty For When You're Feeling Blue-y

There are two kinds of people that roam this planet of doom. Peeps that are all optimistic and sh*t, and when feeling low, go watch a Reese Witherspoon movie and just feel better about life. And then probably drink sweet tea on a sunny porch. If that describes your demeanor, this post is not for you. No, this is for the lite misery-wallowers. Those of us that, instead of reaching for a well-read copy of Chicken Soup for Your Mutha Effin' Soul, read this.

for the emo-souled only

I am in a decently-sized funk lately, you guys. This will not come as a surprise to people that know me on a personal level, because my moods typically range from Sophia from Golden Girls to Grumpy Cat with PMS. No one ever believes me when I tell them that my high school pottery teacher called me "Sunshine," because of current constant state of b*tch assness. WELL, IT'S TRUE, MOFOS. I've channeled all of nearing-middle-age angst into the beauty things that I truly appreciate most when my emo levels are breaking the emotionally-bankrupt bank.

What's the Matte-r, Baby?

I love matte nails, especially when they're dark. It's like your fingers are wearing tiny, clean chalkboards of darkness. That's a positive thing, in case you felt unsure. To achieve matte-to-death nails of whatever color, I like to use OPI's Matte Top Coat (Ulta, $9). You can use it over any ol' boring as Bran Flakes nail polish, and it gives you insta-edge of darkness. Like you might be a sexy undertaker.

Wined Out Lips

There's nothing better than a dramatic ass lip statement when you're feeling super dramatic in your brain. It evokes images of wine drinking (which I will be partaking in, well, always) and smoking a cigarette out of one of those long cigarette holder things (which I would only do in my imagination). The most theatric 'stick of the bunch is Urban Decay's Revolution Lipstick in Shame (Sephora, $22), which is a really deep berry color that gives you immediate street cred. It's moodiness in a tube.

A Thin (or Thick. or Smudged.) Black Line

I hate to break it to you, sister, but you only have two eye options during these dark and uncertain times: winged liquid liner or a smudged out lid. It's in the "I'm Moping Handbook." Not to be confused with the "I'm Mopping Handbook," which is effing boring and should be avoided at all costs. Smudgy-lined eyes and this MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Shadow Pencil (Sephora, $20) in matte taupe grey (4E) go together like Hot Topic and strategically ripped fishnet tights. It's not a liner, it's a chubby waterproof pencil, so it literally takes 3 seconds and .098% effort to apply. It's a match made in sadness heaven.

Okay, end of list. We can now commence with our sad and dramatic reclining on a tufted chaise lounges in rooms darkened by drawn velvet curtains of quasi-despair. With badass b*tch lipstick. But just in case you really are in need of lifted spirits, I gift you with this:

Don't you feel better after seeing KK's cry face? It's an sure fire cure to the Wintertime doldrums.

Every time Kim cries, an angel gets its wings. Happy Holidays.

Pin It

In Get-Off-My-D-Hole-I'm-Still-Into-This News: THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW SEASON OF TEEN MOM 2 IS HERE.

Get More:
Teen Mom 2, Full Episodes

A little rundown of this gem of a trailer -- Jenelle is obviously still going to be my hate-vorite this season. If you can stare into that crazy roots/Tiffany choker/eyebrow situation and NOT feel love, then I'm sorry for you. Plus, her boyfriend has highlights and wears leather cuffs! Please let him be in a Daughtry cover band. Not to mention, Babs is back, mofos! Babs saying, "I didn't paht the needuhl in huh ahm," while wearing a dalmatian-esque slinky top should be my life's new ringtone.

And chunky highlights girl might be getting a divorce from the new Affliction-shirted hubsand! Sacre bleu.

Oh, and those other two boring turkey sandwiches with a side of sour cream and onion chips are there, too.  I hate that I love you, Teen Mom 2.





Pin It

The ONLY Thing You Need To Know About Kanye West.

pics via huffington post

That dude likes ice cream.

Be careful, Yeezy. There are some ice cream pitfalls:

It makes you fodder for kidnappers.

It's kind of addictive. (And might cause extreme b*tch assness, if Betty is any indication.)

It can eff up your facial hair game.

It's not always easy to eat. But you know what, 'Ye? Do you.

There are worst things you could be into.

Pin It

Commit Assault And Battery On Your Under-Eye Assailants

There are very few things that can kill your "I'm looking pretty damn fine" swagger quicker than under-eye issues. That is, except maybe these pants that I just witnessed Tiffani (Amber, I refuse to stop saying this) Thiessen wearing on Lifetime Movie Network.

 

Oh, 1995 fashions, what a cruel mistress you were. Almost as hated as the bags, puffiness, dark circles, and a myriad of other drama-starters that were the original focus of this blog. There is not a perfect fix for any of these rude ass situations, unfortunately, but we can greatly improve upon them. Thank you, Yeezus. (He'll just take credit anyway.)

Get Your Natural Remedies On

I LIVE for a great DIY solution to beauty problems. Well, that and wine. And bacon. Luckily, there are a couple of boss b at-home remedies for under-eye circle/bag/puffiness that rivals the Stay Puft dude from Ghostbusters. The first one involves tea bags. Of the tea variety, only. I promised myself that I wouldn't make any kind of inappropriate anatomy joke with this, so shut your yam holes.

After you've brewed yourself a cup of delicious tea something, preferably a concoction with caffeine, like black or green, put the bags in the fridge to cool. You want caffeinated goodness because it helps to reduce puffiness and swelling. As in buh-bye baginess. The coldness from refrigeration also helps with this dreadful bag situation. Now all that remains to be done is to lie back with the bags on your eyes for ten minutes or so. HOLY TRASH BOX, THAT WAS SO HARD TO KEEP IT TOGETHER AND BE AN ACTUAL ADULT. So many dirty opportunities wasted. I hope you're happy, mom.

Fresh out of tea bags? (Not a word!) Cucumber slices are also a great option to de-puff. Same deal applies -- cold cucumber slices, putting them on your peepers for ten minutes. Your swollen soul-windows are on their way to being history.

Carrying a Conceal(er)ed Weapon

I'm pretty sure that a great concealer could be the eighth Wonder of the World, and I've been using this Koh Gen Do Liquid Treatment Concealer (Sephora, $48) on the daily from the moment they sent it to me. It's not super heavy, but it's moisturizing as a mofo. It also has great stuff like brightening properties and jojoba and shea butter. My photography skills are as lame as they get, so please ignore them, but this stuff is the new Supreme of my concealer coven.

No matter your concealer choice, the best way to blend away your under-eye shadows is with a firm (but also lenient) ring finger application. Pat the concealer on the area from the inner corner of your eye, while blending out and down toward your cheekbone. If you have really, really dark circles, use a concealer with a more yellow tone -- it cuts those hard-to-hide blue-ish hues more.

The (Eye) Cream Machine

Ugh, eye area, why must you be so delicate and crows' feet prone? And why do I have to be so into expensive sh*t? My favorite eye serum is Obagi's ELASTIderm Eye Complete Complex Serum (Skinstore, $93.60), because it doesn't make me breakout, and it's moisturizing without being heavy. But, it costs roughly three arms and seven legs, so I can only get this stuff on very rare occasions. 

A close second for me is Glytone Anti-Aging Eye Cream (Amazon, $29.83), which is more affordable and still has all those cat's pajama-esque ingredients like caffeine (remember that?) and vitamins, or whatever. Whatever you end up using, just use something. It'll keep your crinkly eye issues at bay for longer, so don't skip that mess.

This eye care stuff is serious business. Tread lightly.

Pin It

Call the Police! Courtney Stodden Has Brown Head Hairs!

via eonline

Who is this ravishing beaut that looks like she's attending an amateur wigs-that-look-like-a-hair-band-groupie competition??? It's my favorite fetal sex kitten, C. Stodd! She effed with our brains and switched up her hair game by deciding to become a brunette, with extra crimp, pimp. She's also letting her rack breathe and going boob commando. How exciting!

I have to admit, I'm really jealous of Stoddie's baby fawn legs. Mine are like two honey baked hams, so my eyeballs are full of envy and acrylic french tips. But really, this picture of CS is really giving me flavors of this:



If you're worried about the freighting crimp job/creepy colored contacts combo from above, fear not. Just like Doug McOldiepantswhatever, she's not married to that look. Zing! Here's Courtney at the grocery store, looking like a simple and understated lady.

via nydailynews

Nothing says "I'm just picking up a few bags of frozen vegetable medley" like a miniskirt with a zipper that goes all the way up!

via realitytvgifs

Pin It

Fun Times With The New Eddie Funkhouser Cosmetics Line. (See What I Did There?)

I really could write an entire post here about my high levels of jealousy that my last name isn't Funkhouser, but I'll save (most of) my neuroses for every other effing thing that I write. Eddie Funkhouser, who is badass/rocker-chic makeup artist dude, just came out with a new line of cosmetics. So, of course, I really wanted to try all that new new, and the nice EF peeps sent me some stuff to sample. Why anyone on this Earth indulges in my pleas and annoyances, I don't really know.

I first tried the Girls on Film Palette ($14.99), which is made up of non-blahsville colors like pink(ish) tones, blue and silver. They all blend pretty damn nicely, and are a welcome change from the neutral tones that I am always shoveling all over my eyeball lids.

Speaking of neutrals, OF COURSE I had to try the Utlimate Smoky Eye Palette ($14.99), too, because I'm a brat that just told you how much I love neutrals. Thanks for ignoring me. I really love this little angel of a compact, and I completely enjoy that a base/highlight eyeshadow shade is included, because it indulges my lazy lifestyle. I'm bout it, bout it when it comes to that easy life.

Speaking of neutrals (part deux), I also have a total lady boner when it comes to nude-y girl lip colors. For lipstick, I went for the Hyperreal Nourishing Lip Color in Innuendo ($11.99). It has an uber creamy (sorry, I'm disgusting myself with that word, but it's accurate) texture, and has the slightest pink touch to nude, to make sure you don't look like an undead person. It's pretty, pretty without being too princess-y.

The nude n' lovely gloss is the Hyperreal Hydrating Lip Gloss in Unapologetic ($10.99), and this beast has earned a permanent place in my purse. (It's a modern day tongue twister!) I'm a sucker ass sucker for a pink/nude gloss sans glittery goop, and this stuff is pretty killer.

via realitytvgifs

The best part of this line? It's affordable! So I can totally be a sucker for all this badassery, without having to actually sucker...never mind. Check out all of the Eddie Funkhouser fun for yourself here.




Pin It