Great. I'm the Effing Worst, Part 308430984: Justin Bieber Mustache Edition

You b*tches know there are very few things that I hold closer to my heart than hating on Biebs. (Basically, just koalas, unicorns, bacon, and wine.) SO THAT'S WHY I HATE MYSELF. I really, really, really wanted to make fun of Justin Bieber's non-stache today, as seen here:

via huffpo

We can all hash out that shower curtain liner-embellished, brought to you by the letter "Y" shirt at a later date, because here's another picture of the offensive three hairs:

via jb's instagram

And here:

bieb's i.g. again

I mean what IS that??? I had so, so many Kip jokes to make, you guys.

Like, a lot.

And the worst thing, ever, happened.

yep, still stalking the instagram

HE SHAVED THAT STUPID SH*T. AND PUT ON A HAT THAT I F*CKING WANT TO WEAR.

I hate everything.

I need to pet baby stray kittens (after vaccinations) and drink (more) wine.



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BREAKING NEWS: Hot B's Look Hot.

Hey mofos, sorry I've been sh*ttier than reg lately, but I've been busy and crap. I know, I know. Having a job and stuff is such a c-block for sh*t talking. While I've been gone, people have been looking real, real foiiine.

via brit brit's twitter

Look at my homegirl, looking all good for her new music video. DON'T YOU DARE SAY OTHERWISE, BECAUSE I LOVE HER ASS FOREVER EVER.

I haven't seen Mila Kunis in what feel like forever (except tragically wearing jean capri pants and sneakers), but don't worry,she's still hot.

via huffpo

 I know, shocking. What a b.

Also looking annoyingly hot is ol' Scarlett Johansson.

via huffpo

B*tch is straight glowing, maybe because she just got engaged and she's getting that straight good good.

Or she has a good skin care regimen. I don't don't her life like that.

via daily mail

And finally, in the old(er) school male model category, Tyson Beckford was traipsing around topless as hell in NYC the other day. My ass does not mind. DUDE IS 42, YOU GUYS. Work that sh*t.

Stay tuned tomorrow, because I have a super serious Bieber issue that all of our eyeballs need to deal with.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I take sh*t way, way back with 'Beauty Lessons From My 1980s Childhood Idols', featuring the likes of Billy Idol and Jem/boring ass Jerrica. See what it's all about here.




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Breaking Bad (Beauty Habits)

I pretty much can only think about Breaking Bad right now, you guys.

via brbagifs

 With only four episodes left forever ever, I feel like I'm attending a mini funeral every f*cking week. It's almost unbearable. P.S. If you haven't watched this show by now, Christ on a cracker, get your sh*t together and watch it. You can binge watch the whole thing on Netflix. Stop acting like a damn fool.

Anyway, since this blog is supposed to be half beauty sh*t, I actually came up with a way to incorporate my BB obsession and bring some beauty tips into the mix. With that in mind, here's how to finally break your bad beauty habits.

 Stop forgetting sunscreen by using a moisturizer with one already in it. I know that some of your asses are still gallivanting around out there sans sunscreen and doing 80's-type hood rat sh*t with your friends like "laying out."

Number one -- stop that sh*t. You're going to look old. And even if you aren't at the beach on the reg, you still need a moisturizer with sunscreen if your mug meets the sun's rays during the day. And if you're using any skin care products with fancy ass crap like retinols, or other exfoliating madness, you REALLY need a sunscreen. Quit playing with me.

Don't you ever share eyeliners or mascaras. Even in a jam. Sharing eye products is even more gross than sharing lip sh*t, and can easily spread effery like PINK EYE.

Listen, I'm a pretty nasty b*tch, but even I don't eff around with sharing eye makeup. I like to carry a cheap drugstore eyeliner and a mini mascara in my purse to avoid sh*tty situations such as these. Your total cost will be under $5, and YOU WON'T BE GROSS AS F*CK.

If you can't remember to wash your face at night, keep facial cleansing wipes by your bed. Why does washing your face at night feel like you're climbing the friggin' Great Wall of China? I don't know, but I do know that this is me:

And b*tches don't feel like posting up over a sink and scrub-a-dub dubbing all damn night. But, not washing your face at night not only clogs your pores (obvs), IT MAKES YOU AGE FASTER. Mother. F*cker. If you can't wash your face, at least use a cleansing wipe. It's clearly freaking important.

Cure nail biting with glitter nail polish. This DIY cure is a two fold deal. First off, if your nails are that of a bad b*tch, you won't want to eff them up.

Also, NO ONE wants to eat glitter. That just sounds disgusting, even to Ke$ha's ass.

Nails = saved.

Okay, b faces, back to Breaking Bad premonitions/thoughts/theories. And, seriously, if you don't watch this show I WILL CUT YOU.




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And In "Holy F*ck, I Feel Old" News, Spencer Pratt JUST TURNED 30.

via buzzfeed

YOU GUYS, HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE THAT SPENCER IS JUST NOW 30 YEARS OLD? HOOOOWWWW? I feel like The Hills was on MTV roughly 2 trillion years ago. Is time somehow going by really and and really effing slow at the same time? Is this an episode of Quantum Leap???

Oh, by the by, Spencer, just because you're now 30 doesn't mean you have to stock up on shirts from the Men's Warehouse Two and a Half Men collection. You're thirty, not disgusting.

 Oh, yeah...

via mrhankey

We're still not that into you.





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Quick Sh*t: Happy Labor Day, B*tch.

via reddit

Sookie Stackhouse (street name Anna Paquin, if you're stupid Blah-ll) and I have the same affliction -- Bitchy Resting Face. People are always asking what the eff is wrong with me, and I'm all, "Ummm, what? I was thinking about kittens." It's hard out there for a b*tch (face).

Happy Labor Day, mofos.

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RuPaul Gives My B (Courtney Stodden) Some Effing Spot On Career Advice...In a Car.

You guys know my ass has feelings for C Stodd. I just can't quit her gold lame-covered ass, no matter how many battery pack-lit pairs of underwear homegirl puts on. But, I also love RuPaul, because he's everything I'm not and want to be -- a drag superstar, a badass b*tch, ridiculously cheek-boned, and tall as f*ck.

And after watching this video, I desperately need to ride around in RP's volvo and get some major life advice. Boo boo was on effin' point with that career bizznass for Stoddie. I need that sh*t.

If Ru ever comes out with a Oprah Life Class-esque deal, I'm there. My ass (and everything else) is a hot ass ham sandwich of a mess.

I know, I know. It's way too late for your asses to not judge me.


video via world of wonder






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