Why I'm Trash, I've Always Been Trash, And The Saddest Part Is That I Know: Perfume Edition

I really just wanted an excuse to loosely quote this skit from Jennifer Lawrence on SNL, because I feel like this character is my soul twin, and I need to go get an application from this fictional diner. It's the only career success that I could ever hope to have.

pink sugar perfume (sephora, $20-$60)

But here's the real reason that I'm trash. I love Aquolina's Pink Sugar perfume. Now, I'm not saying that this perfume is inherently trashy, but it's also loved by my favorite teenaged hot ass mess, Courtney Stodden.

Sh*t smells like straight up cotton candy, which is probably not ENTIRELY appropriate for a person in their 30's, AKA me. Unless you operate a cotton candy machine, then it's totally appropriate. And, also, I want your job. But if you love to smell like sweetness and sugar, then this ish is totally up your alley, and that alley leads straight to Candy Land. If musky musk is more your deal, than I suggest you pass go, and try Monopoly-inspired fragrances, if that exists. I hope it does. And I hope it smells like monocles.

 

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Who's Up For a Round of "I Watch to Punch Myself About the Eardrums and Eyeballs?"

Before we start talking about the horrendousness that is this "music" video, be warned. This crap is completely NSFW, and not even because it says eff like forty times (which it does), but more for the ear drum safety of those around you.

When I first got started on this hot ass, screamy mess, I thought I was in for some LMFAO-type of tom foolery blandess. Little did I know B's WERE GETTING THEIR FACES SCREAMED INTO FOR FOUR MINUTES. Why are you bringing innocent pig costumes into this fiasco? What did pseudo pigs ever do to your ass? And two of these "band members" did absolutely nothing (except OD on LA Looks hair gel, and possibly have a driver's license). Not even a scream-peep. Weak. And while we're on the whole hair thing, SOMEBODY'S been hitting up a BOGO hair bleach sale at Sally Beauty Supply. WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? I would rather watch Darla all effin' day than these friggin' Tim "The Toolman" Taylor tool bags. (Sorry, Tim Allen. I have no beef with you. Except for maybe those Santa Clause movies.) But seriously, why are you screaming? It doesn't even make sense with the sh*tty song. I hope the home owners' association in your parents' neighborhood kicks them out for letting you film this sh*t in their driveway.

via fyeahitsalwayssunny

Everything.





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Hair Homies: Serge Normant Meta Silk Shampoo & Meta Velour Conditioner

serge normant meta silk shampoo & meta velour conditioner, $24 each

Soooo, here's the realio dealio happening in my (hair) life. Remember when I did that whole red thing? Well, I got over that sh*t, like I do, and I had to get rid of it. So when I went to my amazing ass hair stylist, she had to strip my hair, and then promptly made me swear on that book of hair color Barbie hair samples that I would never use boxed hair dye again. Needless to say, I kind of effed up my hurrs. So when the peeps at Serge Normant sent me over some sample-age of the Meta Silk Shampoo and Meta Velour Conditioner to try, it was perfect timing. I had to get my haircare game SERIOUSLY on point, or I would be on the express bus to bald lady town.

Luckily for me, this stuff is the sauce. The first time I used this combo, my hair felt super silky and moisturized, but not greasy or heavy. Which is big for me, because as a fine-haired lady, that ish happens A LOT. These products are straight up luxurious -- thick and creamy (no comment) and make you feel like you should be wearing some fancy ass diamond cocktail ring while using them. And you shouldn't expect any less. The brain behind the line is hairdresser to stars like Julia Roberts, SJP, and Blake Lively. This ish makes me feel like I have a trust fund.

Get fancy on yo' own ass, and shop for yourself here.





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Seriously, Guys. Make Me Stop This Sh*t.

I think I have a bad disease. In my brain area.

via bieb's instagram

I can't stop thinking Justin Bieber's dad is hot. What the eff is my problem? What's next, one of those kids from One Direction's great auntie? I know that I'm old and sh*t, but do I also have brain/sexual attraction to Canadian dad issues? And does this mean that I really have a thing for dudes that look like skinny Kevin Federlines? Is this really about my deep, deep love for Britney Spears? If I buy Fantasy perfume will it solve my problems? My. God.

I need some advil. Or roofies. Or a lobotomy.

P.S.

P.P.S. I REALLY have to stop following Justin Bieber on Instagram.

P.P.P.S. I'm now following the dad on Twitter. Call the police.




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What's the Deal With Those Beauty Boxes, Anyway? (ft. beauty box five)

AKA Whaddup, beauty boxes? Do you know how hard it was for me to not make crude jokes in this b? I deserve an award, or something. Okay, enough -- let's take a tour.

Find out more about this good good here.




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Guess Who's Wearing Underwear That Require a Battery Pack?

pic via buzzfeed

Psshhhh. As if there was a question in your mind/heart/loins. It's my homegirl, C. Stodd, OBVIOUSLY. She chose this elegant ensemble (that's pronounced on-som-blay if you're fancy, like me and Stodd) for the release party of her new single, Reality. If you have a strong stomach and constitution, go over to Buzzfeed and see the pics of Hot Stoddy and her dad interacting. It's, errm, uncomfortable (un-comfor-ta-blay). And while you're into the whole clicking deal, please go watch Court's new music video for Reality over at eonline. Yep, that's exactly how I saw all of that playing out. Yeeeep.

Let's get a little good juju going (or eat some Jujubes, if you want) after all of that.



I think we all needed that.






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It's a Cheap Nudie Show! (For Lips, You Pervs.)

I feel like if you are a makeup kind of gal (gross, I hate that word), or even if you really aren't, you spend 67% of your beauty product browsing life looking for a badass nude/pinky lipstick that looks like your lips, but a touch sexier. And then when you happen to find one that's friggin' boss as hell, you cross your pinkie toes hoping that sh*t doesn't cost one billion dollars because it's made from diamonds derived from unicorn tears. And let me sidebar for a hot ass minute, while we're on unicorn tears. Look what I saw while perusing the clearance racks of DSW the other day, because I'm a cheap w.

WHAT THE WHAT?

I DESPERATELY wanted to buy these, because hello, there's a mother effin' CRYING UNICORN on them. You'd be insane not to hot glue these on your feet, but because I'm 3/4s elfin, b's were too big on my own unicorn hooves. Life blows, man.

Okay, back to lipstick perfection. I found a great nude/pinky lip, and IT'S A DRUGSTORE BRAND. Go ahead, kiss me now -- with those "your lips but better" lips of yours.

This is Revlon's Super Lustrous Lipstick in Pink Pearl. Ignore the fact that I'm the worst at life, and the top photo makes this mess look purplish. I don't know what the eff my general problem is. So let's take a look at the photo from drugstore.com, where Revlon products are currently buy one, get one half off:

drugstore.com, $7.99

Yup, they clearly are much better at this stuff than I. I am of the pale and yellowish skin tone at the moment, and this stuff is the monkey's banana bread for me. I don't know how it will be on cooler skin tones, but it's pretty neutral, so I would give it a try. You can pick up Revlon, well, pretty much anywheres, people. Try it. SCORE FOR THE CHEAP AND NUDE TEAM!

Sorry, Gossy baby, I had to use that line. I didn't choose the game, the game chose me.

P.S. Can we all go get airbrushed t-shirt (or puffy paint, pick your poison) that read "Cheap n' Nude" and are emblazoned with crying unicorns?




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