In I'll Be Your Agent News: A List of Appearance Gigs for Lindsay Lohan

As many of you b's may have heard, TMZ reported (then unreported) yesterday that emails from a talent agency were circulating saying that Lindsay Lohan was available for hire to do appearances at events such as weddings and barmitzvahs. So even though it turns out that this mess probably isn't true, it prompted me to think of what the best use of Lilo's appearance talents might be. I now present to you -- the top five new appearance gigs for Lindsay Lohan.

My Super Sweet 16 on MTV. Okay, so this show hasn't been on for a hot ass minute. But she could ride in on a Mardi Gras float in a showgirl outfit or something. Effin' perfection. How am I not an agent?

Grocery Store Grand Openings. There's probably free food and wine samples at these sh*ts, Linds. And they'd probably let you use those badass giant scissors. I would do that crap for free.

Cat Adoption Drives. Homeslice can help the community and cute animals. Maybe boo needs a little furry love in her own life, too. (Not in a dirty way, creeps.) Maybe you and Ali can go halfsies on the kitty litter, or something.

Breakdancing Competitions. There are a ton of a-hem "interesting" dudes (and ladies -- remember that?) at these things, I'm sure. And they've got so sweet, sweet moves. You bring the cardboard, they'll bring the funk, yo.

Netflix Kiosk Openings. Okay, it's not as glamorous as a REAL movie premiere, but $1 rentals are pretty affordable. And you can always pop into CVS afterward and score some designer imposter body splash. Win win!

 But on the real, Lilo, I love your ass just the way you are. Never change.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone in the World's (But Honey Boo Boo's) Christmas Card

via buzzfeed

This is HBB's family Christmas card. Every other family in the universe needs to cancel their appointment at the Sears Portrait Studio, because that ish is a wrap. You can't compete with all of this, so best not even try. Even the baby is like, "Is this really my life?" Not one person in this family has control over their posing. What are these faces, family?!? Why is Pumpkin (I think. Or is that one Chubbs? The one in the back.) turned completely to the side like she doing her own damn glamour shot in a camo hoodie? And the front two sisters CANNOT work their angles anything like HBB. I really do think that Honey Boo Boo and I are totally in synch with each other. I don't know what that weird Shrek hair deal is happening on her head, but I would have LOVED that ish when I was a kid...Or now, whatever. Shine on. Do you.

via realitytvgifs

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The Creepiest Ass Toys From My Childhood.

Bah Humbug, b*tches. In the vein of me hating the holidays, I thought I would compile a list of the worst/creepiest toys that I can remember from childhood. I immediately thought of this first one, because it combines grossness with kids' annoying curiosity, leaving parents answering a ish load of awkward questions. (Well, not me. My mom bought me a book about sex when I was five. Yep, I was THAT kid. Explains a lot, doesn't it?)



I mean, in theory, I get this toy. Puppies are cute, and stuff. But pretty much performing c-sections on stuffed animals gets into extremely high creep levels for me. Not to mention, after you pull those little w's out the first time, isn't the point of the toy over? What do you do next? Fake wean them?



I actually had Teddy Ruxpin, so I can attest to the fact that homeboy was creepy. He blinked and crap, which I realize was CUTTING DAMN EDGE in '86, or whatever, but it was creepy. I'm also not crazy about the commercial. Kid is like borderline getting bullied by the class, and the toy is saving his ass and making him cool. Great.



I DID NOT HAVE EITHER OF THESE, praise the Lord. Because is anything weirder than a doll that is roughly your size and the basis of a horror movie? Terrifying. Why did toy companies do this to our child-sized asses?!? Plus, the jingle is super stalker-y. Gross.



Now this last one, I don't have any real complaints about. Except that her bright nonsense may keep your ass awake all night, and you'd be too tired to make paper mache balloons in art class the next day, or something. (Don't forget yo' smock!)  I can't remember if I had PJ Sparkles (Hot name, by the way.), or just coveted her, but a huge light up bow and a freakum dress that converts into an elegant ballgown with a tug of a hand? I'm sold.

What toys freaked you out when you guys were kids? And if you're like, "That Bratz doll that came out last year." I will straight slap you.



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Random Homie: Snap N Easy Organizer

 This is how I live my life, people. This is half of my "daily" makeup bag. Yes, it's a old, raggedy ass ziploc bag with holes in it. Deal with it. I'm a disgusting, gross, terrible human person. Luckily, Snap N Easy sent over one of their cute little brush/pencil organizers for me to try and get my damn life in order.

Snap N Easy, $14

This little muffin has eight places to stick all of your ish in, if you are a reasonable person, or a couple of my main b brushes and eyeliners, if you're me. You just snap those ho hoes right in, and as long as they aren't excessively thick or thin, they are in there for the long haul. My only small issue is that my little eyeliner brush was too skinny to hold, but that's a mutha effin' first world pain if I have ever heard one. And there's also another fun surprise on this baby.

There are crystals on that b*tch! This thing is just friggin' adorable, you guys. I put it in my purse one day when I was going to work, and the girls I work with thought it was cuter than a newborn puppy.

I'm one step away from Caboodling out in this b*tch, y'all. Watch out. Check out the Snap N Easy for yourself here. It's $14 for sparkles, b's!



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Blogging Note, with a Helping of This Looks Disgusting.

I'm having some womanly issues today, so if my posting is spotty (har har) you'll understand why. And maybe my "condition" (Why do I feel like I'm a 1930's doctor right now? These broads and their hysterics!) is making me feel extra grossed out right now, but I kept seeing this sh*t on Facebook, as a sponsored post, and it was straight up making my ass sick.

via bob evans

Have you guys seen this? It's recipes using Bob Evans' refrigerated mashed potatoes. Most of them looked pretty insane, but this one took the proverbial gross cake. This is the Clubhouse Mashtini, featuring things like: ham, turkey, pickles, and ranch dressing. That sounds nothing short of vomitous to my delicate constitution. 

Not today, Bob Evans. Not today.


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Katie Holmes' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Dress

Let me start off by actually saying something  nice. Single looks good as eff on K Holmie when it comes to the facial and hair areas. Boo boo is looking tons less robotic and dead eyed than she did when she was with lil' man. So "Yay!" for all of that. Now, let's get b*tchy for a hot minute. I cannot look at this dress she wore to the Sandy Relief Concert last night without having total recall of Donatello from TMNT.

B has stick skills.

The purple, the shell abdomen -- it's all there. All K dog needs are these to separate her digits, and she'd be working for Splinter's hairy ass.

Remember THESE monstrosities?!?

Just wear this next time, K bomb, and save yourself the trouble.

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Disney Rides Are NEVER This Fun.

Wait...So is this a ghost story? I am completely and totally jealous of every single effin' person in this video. The late 80's/early 90's were so equal parts magical and disgusting, weren't they? They were the best of times, they were the worst of times. And if that's what it's like to be a construction worker, sign my ass up. I didn't realize that strong choreography was a job requirement.




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