My "I'm Just Not That Into You" Celebrity Moments of the Week

Listen, I know that I hate just about everything, but there was a hell of a lot of sh*tty nonsense going on this week.

YOU GUYS. JT and JB showed up to premiere of that terrible looking Timberlake/Affleck movie wearing matching suits. I'm pretty sure that Biel is Single White Female-ing JT and Benadryled him into wearing this mess. I mean look at those hazy ass eyes. Something ain't right. I need to see receipts!



Ready for the ultimate day ruiner? Baby Biebs is now a shirtless/tie-dyed tank dress wearing rapper. I really can't even with this b*tch anymore. I don't want to hear any song that involves penises and Bieber-related things, like, ever.

 The likelihood that I might vomit is currently strong to quite strong.



Speaking of vomitous information you can't use, here is the state of Gwyneth Paltrow's pubic area.

Nope.

And speaking of Gwynnie, when the f*ck did Brad Pitt turn into Robert Redford?

I mean, Robert Redford is hot and everything, but Jesus take the wheel -- I'm not ready for that jelly. That means all of our asses are old.

And in my favorite news of the week:

via daily mail

C Stodd got turnt the eff up so much that she broke off the control knob. Bruises be damned and everything.

Homegirl got crunk as hell in London the other night, and I strongly suggest that you check out all the pics over at The Daily Mail.

Happy weekend, if you get one of those. Celebrities, carry on with the grossery. I can't wait.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I'll help you "Fake It Till You Make It: How to Create Those Beauty Features You Weren't Born With." Faking sh*t has never looked so good. You can check it here.




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Get Out Your Jnco Jeans, We're Getting Our Rave Sh*t On With CIATÉ Corrupted Neons Nails

I dragged my ancient ass to a music festival this past weekend. I'm probably way too old for all of that hippie effery, but I just can't quit that sh*t.

Anyway, it was the perfect time to give the Corrupted Neons Manicure Sets that Ciaté so kindly sent me a try.

ciaté corrupted neons manicure set, $25 (sephora)

The kit comes with a neon(y) polish, loose glitter, and a top cot THAT GLOWS IN BLACK LIGHT. My annoying ass 17 year old self shopping in the Spencer's Gifts poster section just f*cking died. The finish is kind of rough matte glitter, and it's pretty boss.

from l to r : club tropicana, foam party, shout out, and megaphone

So this is a sh*tty picture, and doesn't really give you any idea of what the polish really looks like, but you can get an idea of an idea. Plus, I used every damn one so I could try to fool festival patrons into thinking that I MIGHT not be an old ass b. (It didn't work.) I think my favorite color was Foam Party, because the glitter was glittery-er...Somewhere on this earth Mariah Carey just threw so much shade at me.

But look at them in the black light! Except for it highlighting the sh*tiness of my manicuring skills, it was pretty, pretty good. Nothing has ever looked this saucy in a black light since water-filled Captain Morgan bottles met highlighters.

And it really wasn't that hard to do. (You know I am incapable of completing difficult tasks.) You paint two coats of polish, dump some glitter on while the polish is still super wet (don't be gross), and add the glowy top coat deal after it dries.

One word of warning -- much like my life, this sh*t can get messy, so do the glitter part over the sink. Other than that, this stuff is a really fun, non-extacy induced way to feel rave-y and nouveau retro.

And my sink doesn't really have black mold, or anything. It's just a dirt filter that cool people use. Check out the whole deal about the Corrupted Neons here.



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Great. I'm the Effing Worst, Part 308430984: Justin Bieber Mustache Edition

You b*tches know there are very few things that I hold closer to my heart than hating on Biebs. (Basically, just koalas, unicorns, bacon, and wine.) SO THAT'S WHY I HATE MYSELF. I really, really, really wanted to make fun of Justin Bieber's non-stache today, as seen here:

via huffpo

We can all hash out that shower curtain liner-embellished, brought to you by the letter "Y" shirt at a later date, because here's another picture of the offensive three hairs:

via jb's instagram

And here:

bieb's i.g. again

I mean what IS that??? I had so, so many Kip jokes to make, you guys.

Like, a lot.

And the worst thing, ever, happened.

yep, still stalking the instagram

HE SHAVED THAT STUPID SH*T. AND PUT ON A HAT THAT I F*CKING WANT TO WEAR.

I hate everything.

I need to pet baby stray kittens (after vaccinations) and drink (more) wine.



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BREAKING NEWS: Hot B's Look Hot.

Hey mofos, sorry I've been sh*ttier than reg lately, but I've been busy and crap. I know, I know. Having a job and stuff is such a c-block for sh*t talking. While I've been gone, people have been looking real, real foiiine.

via brit brit's twitter

Look at my homegirl, looking all good for her new music video. DON'T YOU DARE SAY OTHERWISE, BECAUSE I LOVE HER ASS FOREVER EVER.

I haven't seen Mila Kunis in what feel like forever (except tragically wearing jean capri pants and sneakers), but don't worry,she's still hot.

via huffpo

 I know, shocking. What a b.

Also looking annoyingly hot is ol' Scarlett Johansson.

via huffpo

B*tch is straight glowing, maybe because she just got engaged and she's getting that straight good good.

Or she has a good skin care regimen. I don't don't her life like that.

via daily mail

And finally, in the old(er) school male model category, Tyson Beckford was traipsing around topless as hell in NYC the other day. My ass does not mind. DUDE IS 42, YOU GUYS. Work that sh*t.

Stay tuned tomorrow, because I have a super serious Bieber issue that all of our eyeballs need to deal with.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I take sh*t way, way back with 'Beauty Lessons From My 1980s Childhood Idols', featuring the likes of Billy Idol and Jem/boring ass Jerrica. See what it's all about here.




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Breaking Bad (Beauty Habits)

I pretty much can only think about Breaking Bad right now, you guys.

via brbagifs

 With only four episodes left forever ever, I feel like I'm attending a mini funeral every f*cking week. It's almost unbearable. P.S. If you haven't watched this show by now, Christ on a cracker, get your sh*t together and watch it. You can binge watch the whole thing on Netflix. Stop acting like a damn fool.

Anyway, since this blog is supposed to be half beauty sh*t, I actually came up with a way to incorporate my BB obsession and bring some beauty tips into the mix. With that in mind, here's how to finally break your bad beauty habits.

 Stop forgetting sunscreen by using a moisturizer with one already in it. I know that some of your asses are still gallivanting around out there sans sunscreen and doing 80's-type hood rat sh*t with your friends like "laying out."

Number one -- stop that sh*t. You're going to look old. And even if you aren't at the beach on the reg, you still need a moisturizer with sunscreen if your mug meets the sun's rays during the day. And if you're using any skin care products with fancy ass crap like retinols, or other exfoliating madness, you REALLY need a sunscreen. Quit playing with me.

Don't you ever share eyeliners or mascaras. Even in a jam. Sharing eye products is even more gross than sharing lip sh*t, and can easily spread effery like PINK EYE.

Listen, I'm a pretty nasty b*tch, but even I don't eff around with sharing eye makeup. I like to carry a cheap drugstore eyeliner and a mini mascara in my purse to avoid sh*tty situations such as these. Your total cost will be under $5, and YOU WON'T BE GROSS AS F*CK.

If you can't remember to wash your face at night, keep facial cleansing wipes by your bed. Why does washing your face at night feel like you're climbing the friggin' Great Wall of China? I don't know, but I do know that this is me:

And b*tches don't feel like posting up over a sink and scrub-a-dub dubbing all damn night. But, not washing your face at night not only clogs your pores (obvs), IT MAKES YOU AGE FASTER. Mother. F*cker. If you can't wash your face, at least use a cleansing wipe. It's clearly freaking important.

Cure nail biting with glitter nail polish. This DIY cure is a two fold deal. First off, if your nails are that of a bad b*tch, you won't want to eff them up.

Also, NO ONE wants to eat glitter. That just sounds disgusting, even to Ke$ha's ass.

Nails = saved.

Okay, b faces, back to Breaking Bad premonitions/thoughts/theories. And, seriously, if you don't watch this show I WILL CUT YOU.




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