Definitive Proof That Beards and Boyz II Men Make Dudes 100% Hotter

Skip to 7:10 for the good good.



I've always thought that John Krasinski (AKA Jim from The Office) was moderately hot. Like hottest guy you saw at the grocery store today hot, but not necessarily John Hamm/Alexander Skarsgard/face made of rugged angel Pegasus wings hot. That is UNTIL TODAY. Here he is on Jimmy Fallon's show lip syncing "I'll Make Love to You." (If you must.) That beard is KILLIN' IT for homeboy's face. I'm buying whatever you're selling here, Krasinski. I'll take a million of each.

Yes.

All of this.





Pin It

Hold On To Your, Errmm, Hats (And/Or Do Rags), Ladies.

Warning: Lyrics NSFW, but video is 100% SFL, if you like sexy things.



If this video is a joke, IMMA BE SO PISSED. Move over Drake, because Amanda Bynes is about to be asking this tiny slice of do' ragged, side burned, happy trailed heaven named Dhananjay The First to murder her lady flower. 

Dhananjay likes to discuss the size of his downstairs area in this song, but I'm a little concerned about it, because his underwear is at full-on high tide status. 

And D is super resourceful, because he borrowed that stone washed denim jacket from the set of Brokeback Mountain. He's so sentimental. 

At roughly the 1:00 mark we start to hit some rough waters. D's partner is REALLY wasting a lot of that Mumms. You have A LOT of homies, friend. Not to mention, he's totally ripped off Justin Bieber's dumbass ski mask thing.

I made this last night, and posted it to my instagram, because these are the things that I do with my life and time. And because JB looks prettier this way. 

And can we not even talk about what happens around the 1:13 mark? I had your back, D, and you get on that? No. But if you've made it to 1:19, you get rewarded with 14" of boxers and 3" of hairy chest (and bling). What a ratio. 

At about 1:30, I thought we had introduced a lady friend with lovely hands. But, no, that's just ol' Dhananj, showing off a preview of more swag that it to come. SOMEBODY'S been hitting up the thrift shops! 

At 1:45, we realllly need some lighting here, guys. I know that your Gam Gam said you could use her fancy parlor to film in if you were super quiet and didn't disrupt her watching her stories, but this is ridiculous. SLOW PAN OUT...And scene.

Who the hell am I kidding? I LOVED THIS SH*T.

And, yet, I somehow feel like Jean Ralphio is behind this in some way.



Pin It

Quick Sh*t: I Told You B's That Walt Jr. is Hot

Today is my day of creeper vindication, mofos. I present to you (via Walt Jr.'s twitter -- or RJ Mitte, whatever) the hottest breakfast lover, except for Ron Swanson. Natch.

So suck it, America. (Gross. Not literally.) FLYNN 4 EVA.

Pin It

Eff Your Twerking, Miley Cyrus. This is the Real Sh*t.

No, not the part I'm about to show your asses. The good good is in a minute. But for a reference point, I first have to share something of myself. I'm a twerker lite. (Does MTV still make those True Life shows?) And because I knew you b's would be all "whaaaa...." I made a very short video of lite twerk.

I'm clearly not on an effing twerk team, or any cool ish like that, but I like to fancy myself at least a decent judge of said twerk. And by now you've all seen Mi Cy's gangly ass twerk vid. That mess ain't NOTHING compared to these dudes' mad, mad skills.


via buzzfeed

That head boo can WERQ DAT AZZ, man. Why can't I be a gay man wearing a loin-cloth-type-garment from Brazil? Life's so unfair. And I'm going on a diet. I need to fit into mama's twerkin' shorty shorts by summer. (Dammit, I'm eating nachos.)

P.S. Try not to give me TOO much sh*t for my skills. I'm a middle-aged woman. Be kind to your elders.






Pin It

In Case You Were Wondering, Alexander Skarsgard is Still a Hot B*tch

Ali Cat was at a Lakers game, or some boring sports-related ish, last night. And you can rest your damn weary, downtrodden mind (and eyeballs) because A Skar Skar is still hot as eff.

Why so serious, boo? Psshaw, like I a give a damn. Your broody, cold demeanor is half the reason I love your ass.

He's drinking beer (So American!) with a European football shirt on (So Exotic!) with his legs firmly crossed (So European!). But furrreal, why don't American dudes cross their legs like this? 'Merica.

And let's just pretend that this is some kind of sexual reenactment of some sort. A b can dream, right? Keep that hot flowing, Xander. Keep that sh*t up. Only three months until True Blood, and I can straight stalk your ass.

Pin It

I Can't Stop Staring at Jon Hamm and All of His Dude Business.

Have you guys seen the new promo pictures for Mad Men Season 6? Those are some hot ass mofos, right? And in anticipation of the upcoming MM premiere next month, I have compiled a photo collection of the sexiest b in the group -- Jon Hamm. (Freakin' doy.) So let's explore why Hammy is so damn hot.

He's got a bangin' ass beard.

I mean, come the hell on.

He has a cute dog, whose face is adorably tiny for his body.

He has sexual corrective lenses.

Are you fuh-real with that smile? That crap could rip ladies' pant off.

He likes to keep that ish cas. (Stop trying to make cas happen.)

I'm not into the ciggie, but I'm totally into breakfast. Like, anytime.

Homeboy knows...

How to wear...

A friggin' pair of pants.

And really, is there ANYONE hotter than Don Draper???

(KIND OF) NSFW UPDATE: This is why I love my people. (Name withheld for embarrassment purposes.)

Pin It

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Bradley Cooper Sporting What I Can Only Hope is a Precursor to a Tight, TIGHT Ass Perm

via huffpo

Brad Coo is making some crazy ass movie where he apparently works at a slutty Army Surplus store that does illegal perms on the side. Or not -- I don't know what the hell this is all about, but if tight spiral perms are involved, sign my ass up. I've been looking for a hot as eff hairstyle from a movie, because I haven't really felt one since that dick Darryl Soul Glo-ed it up in Coming to America.

I know, I know. Dude straight up ripped off Lionel Richie's "Hello" hair, but it was a hot look. So whatever the eff Bradley's movie is about, that hair better be looking right. If not, he has to do this, like, ALL THE TIME.



Don't even play like you aren't into this right now. Stop it.


Pin It

Hot Damn, Zack Morris is Lookin' FOOOYYIIINE.

via buzzfeed

Oh hey, here's MPG filming that show he's on with the skater dude from Clueless. (I can't be bothered to know actual, real information.) But I do have eyeballs, and they can tell me that Mark-Paul is still a hot ass b, even sans the inappropriately huge cell phone and Sun-In-esque highlights. Dare I say, boo boo is HOTTER than in his Saved by the Bell days? MPG's giving me Dylan McKay lite vibes here, so that's obviously right up my sexual healing alley. And that light oil chest sheen? Okay, I need to stop.

Yep, pretty much.



Pin It

Seriously, Guys. Make Me Stop This Sh*t.

I think I have a bad disease. In my brain area.

via bieb's instagram

I can't stop thinking Justin Bieber's dad is hot. What the eff is my problem? What's next, one of those kids from One Direction's great auntie? I know that I'm old and sh*t, but do I also have brain/sexual attraction to Canadian dad issues? And does this mean that I really have a thing for dudes that look like skinny Kevin Federlines? Is this really about my deep, deep love for Britney Spears? If I buy Fantasy perfume will it solve my problems? My. God.

I need some advil. Or roofies. Or a lobotomy.

P.S.

P.P.S. I REALLY have to stop following Justin Bieber on Instagram.

P.P.P.S. I'm now following the dad on Twitter. Call the police.




Pin It

Ethan Hawke, You're Code Platinum Freaking Me the Eff Out.

via buzzfeed

You guys. No, a scary clown, Iggy Pop, and current Billy Idol didn't have a threesome (or maybe they did) and produce this person. THIS IS ETHAN-REMEMBER-HOW-HOT-I-WAS-IN-REALITY-BITES-HAWKE. Now before you get all up on my jock, I know he's in some play or some sh*t and that's what this look is all about. But b*tch isn't on stage when this shit was taken. Put on an effin' hat, witch hazel off that eyeliner, and get some deeeeeeep moisturizer on your mug before subjecting all of our retinas to this mess.

More of this, less of whatever the gross is happening up there. I'm done. I'm eyes are making my mind grapes hurt.

And some wine. Lots of wine.



Pin It

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week for Allure, I explore dude beauty routines, and how we can derive our own tips from them. At least you're good for something, guys. I kid, I kid. Go check it out here.



Pin It

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Boy, Boys. Can't I Just Have You All?

My God, this is terrifying. I feel like I just escaped from 293,840 serial murders. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THIS SH*T IS YOUR BEST FIRST IMPRESSION??? Here are my thoughts, in order:

• Oh hey, dude number one -- you can take off the effing weightlifting belt. You're sitting in a friggin' chair, ya douche.
• No one named Maurice is a, a-hem, "wild man." (Except maybe the dad in Beauty and the Beast.)
• BIG PHIL??? In comparison to what? Gross, don't answer that.
• Hey "deep into the night" satin shirt, you can't even SIT UP for two minutes???
• Mike, the anti-smoking dude, why did you pirouette a quarter turn? This isn't Glamour Shots. Or maybe it was. Like a two-for-one type deal...
• LISTEN MAURICE, you don't own a tuxedo, and Men's Warehouse is NOT going to refund your deposit, so good luck with that.
• WHY IS YOUR MOM WATCHING THIS, REINDEER SWEATER? You must feel pretty confident that you'll get a date in a timely manner, by wearing such a seasonal piece. Ballsy.
• Best Hair Award has to go to "fashion photography." Did you see that volume? That length??
• I wish an overgrown monster would effing eat your ass, crazy shirt.
• Guy with the rose -- I'm going to vom. You don't even know WTF you're talking about. You. Are. The. Worst.
• WHAT??? YOU GUYS ENJOY HAVING FUN? We have so much in common.
• What is a hamster? Like literally, you don't like the pet rodent?
• I can't even hate on suspenders. Get me that b*tch's number.
• Cats AND domestic violence? That's a tall order. (P.S. Doesn't domestic violence/sexual abuse look like Bruce Jenner?)
• "I average four hours a night's sleep. The rest of the time I am murdering people."
• I might really be in love with reindeer sweater. He's got some strong to quite strong ass eye contact.
• I refuse to even acknowledge the viking.

Why were the 80's so effing terrible? I'd rather do a Garbage Pail Kid than any of these dicks. (Except you, reindeer sweater. You's a keeper.)

 

Pin It

Sh*t Guys Should Never Wear

I'm glad I'm not a dude, you guys. You're so limited on your attractiveness level. You can't wear dresses or skirts, can't do too much with your hair, and can't wear makeup without b's judging the sh*t out of you. And guess what, dude-types? I'm about to limit your crap even more, because I have compiled a list of stuff that guys should never, ever wear. (Or just not around my ass.)

Cargo Shorts

 Who needs two huge ass pockets attached to their person all the time? What the eff are you carrying around? The entire set of Encyclopedia Britannicas? The Encyclopedia Britannica guy???

I wish that were the case. I picked this specific picture of cargo shorts for a reason. I hate the socks, too. The leg flesh to cloth ratio is waaaay off. I can't handle it. It's gross.

Turtlenecks

I can't reiterate this fact enough. TURTLENECKS ARE EFFING HORRID. Don't wear them.

Sandals

What the hell kind of tom foolery is this?!? A man's feet are pretty unattractive anyway, but I really don't need to see dem b*tches highlighted in this fashion. I can deal with a flip flop here and there, but this is just show pony-ing some grossness. You're a step away from wearing a clear jelly shoe, sir. No friggin' thanks.

Jorts

I know that this is beating a dead horse, but jean shorts are the Devil's denim mistress for guys. The only thing worse are denim capri pants. I can only hope that they all simultaneously combust somehow. And can we please note the dude in the above photo's shirt? What is that? A baby tee?

Insane Jewelry

I might be in the minority here, but I am not a fan of dude jewelry (dudewelry???). There's something super skeevy about it to me. Like I'm in danger of being sold into an Eastern European sex trade, or something. Especially a lot of rings, not going there...

via nbcparksandrec tumblr

Did I miss any other grossness, ladies? Let's gross each other out.

Pin It

Should I be Turned On, or Weirded Out Right Now?

via ohnotheydidn't

Mario Lopez's wife tweeted this picture are few days ago, and it's making me feel all kinds of confused. Even the Windex bottle feels awkward, and had to turn away. On one hand, it's Mario Lopez, and he's pretty hot. And it's a picture of dude ass. On the other hand, homeboy's decorating a Christmas tree with a toddler. It all feels borderline illegal in my bathing suit area.

Ugh. That's curly mullet gets me every time.



Pin It