Quick Sh*t: Bradley Cooper's Hair is Trying to Copy Gwen Stefani

Remember when Gwen Stefani had this hair?

And this?

And this?

Now, Bradley Cooper is trying to make this happen:

via buzzfeed

Nope. America as a whole rejects this idea, BC. I asked every single human person. No, I didn't, but I know that they agree.

Hair -- you're doing it wrong, Bradley Cooper.



Pin It

Quick Sh*t: This Picture Just Made My Life

via r simms facebook

I love this picture so much that I can't even handle it. We've got my fashion idol, Richard Simmons, Sookie, and stupid-faced Bill all in one picture. My heart wants to explode with love and disdain. Richard's life has totally been made by this ish for some reason -- look at his face. And Sookie and Bill are looking smug as eff; like they can't wait to laugh about this mess on the ride back to their vampire mansion. Rude. But I think that Richie got mixed up on the premiere date for that HBO Liberace movie and made that hot ass vest from his guest bedroom duvet on the fly. Or like he's taken a part time job as a wedding dress consultant, in hopes that he can be on next season's Say Yes to the Dress. (Don't listen to me. I'm just jealous that I didn't think of those ideas.)

I can die happy (Heh, right.) now. Okay, bye.





Pin It

Demi Moore's Boyfriend Has a Pearl Ween.

And I'm not talking about tampons, here, people. This surprised-caveman-looking homeboy is apparently Demi Moore's boyfriend, Will Hanigan. It is not a remake of Brendan Frasier's Caveman, sadly. This is real life.

According to the NY Daily News, dude has a pearl in his wee wee parts because he's a pearl diver, or something:

“He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens,” said a source. “It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”

Can I be real for a minute? I don't even know what the eff that means. I first thought they meant in the hole, but that doesn't even make sense. So like a piercing thing? Who wants to have a weiner o'pearls?

Yep. Totally this dude. I think I can see his pearl in this picture. 

 Not today, pearl pants, not today.




Pin It

Your 2013 Ringtone: Carmen Electra's "Bigger D*ck"

pic via daily mail

Hey guys, you remember that hot b, Carmen Electra, WHO IS NOW EFFING FORTY MUTHA F*CKING ONE AND LOOKS SUPER HOT. Ugh, where do I sign up to sell my soul, or whatever? Carm has a hot new jam about the size of her johnson, called "Bigger D*ck."

ugh. remember this sh*t?

You really need to go listen to Carm's song, because it's truly my slut dance anthem of the millennium. But be warned, this ish is 0% safe for work. Even if you work at a strip club, you'll get fired for blasting this, probably.

But don't act like you're too prim and proper to be into this sh*t.

I can't wait to Say Anything boombox the hell out of everyone I know with this song. Get ready, world.











Pin It

Quick Sh*t: Met Gala Roundup

The Met Gala/Met Ball/whatevs was last night, and people got all fancy as eff and walked around being important and ish. Here are some quick highlights. 

As per ush, J Law was the HBIC.

via vulture

And Marion Cotillard and Lena Dunham thought that ish was friggin' funny. SJP's badass head f*ckery blocked her peripheral vision, and homegirl missed the whole thing.

This person was there and claimed to be Zooey Deschanel. Who dat? But f'real, without bangs boo boo has 50's housewife mop commercial face.

Miley Cyrus needs to stop the insanity, and Susan Powter needs to sue this b for copyright infringement.

Her look is getting bitten WAAAAY hard. (Sorry young people, google it.)

There were a lot of other b faces that looked awesome, and a ton of people that looked half sh*tty, but I don't care enough to talk about their asses.

I SAID QUICK.




Pin It

HAHA of the Day: Reese Witherspoon's Arrest Video

I didn't cover it when I heard that Reese Witherspoon's ass got arrested for being annoying, or whatever, the other day because I don't really give a rat's b hole. BUT, I will post the dash cam video that TMZ posted because homegirl is acting uber uppity and hilarious. Sh*t's better than Four Christmases.



Next time, I just really hope she says this --



It would be more appropriate. And if you couldn't de-screech Reese's speech enough to understand what she was saying, here are some quotes from TMZ:

Reese: "Do you know my name sir?"
Officer: "Don't need to know."
Reese "You don't NEED to know my name?"
Officer: "Not quite yet."
Reese: "YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHO I AM!"

Reese: "I have done nothing against the law."
Officer: "Yes you did, you didn't obey my orders."
Reese: "I HAVE TO OBEY YOUR ORDERS??"

Reese: "I'm now being arrested and handcuffed??"

Reese: "I'm an American citizen ... I'm allowed to stand on American ground."

Reese: "You better not arrest me."

Reese: "I'm being anti-American?"
Officer: "Yes, please sit down."
Reese: "Wow!"

Reese: "You're harassing me as an American citizen"

HAHAHAHA! I smell a hit one woman show on Broadway. 

B needs to suck on a Werther's and take a damn seat. I am not that into you, Reese Witherspoon.

Pin It

Sonofa B Face, I'm in Love With ANOTHER Hair Oil.

I know, I know. Hair oil, schmair oil -- I feel like I've talked about every kind of hair oil ad nauseum, but when I find some sh*t that I'm super into I have to tell you mofos. It's like a damn sickness. And when I was sampled this Kitoko Oil Treatment, I knew that I had to tell you b's about it, even if it made you hate me (more).

 
Here's what I love about this ish; it's not oily, even if you have thin, fine hair. For those of you with thick ass manes of hair, and can use any ol' ass oil you want, then good on you. (Shut up -- I'm trying to be Born Again British, like Madonna or Gwynnie Patlrow, THE most beautiful human that has ever lived, or something.) But for those of us that are on the thinner (hair) side of things, you usually have to be super careful about toeing that fine line between lustrous and well-moisturized locks and greasy gobs of goop. (There I go again. I've got Gwyneth on the brain.)

don't act like this isn't the best thing you've ever seen. ever.

But you don't have to worry about 99 goopy problems with Kitoko Oil. And here's the science (b*tch):

Kitoko Oil Treatment combines the healing and therapeutic properties of Karité and Argan oils to revitalize, strengthen and condition the hair. It provides intense nourishment and its lightweight formula is perfect for all hair types as it helps restore shine and moisture balance. It helps tame frizzy and uncontrollable hair, alleviates scalp dryness, improves hair’s elasticity and offers instant absorption with a non-greasy feel and no buildup. A few drops help reduce dry time and replenish brittle hair and ends. The color-safe formula contains naturally derived UV filters to help protect hair from environmental damage.

Sounds boss, right? Well how's about this one -- after Shakira's (yes, SHAKIRA) hair stylist used the Kitoko Oil on her hair, homegirl requested that the company send her some to use on her Shaki head in real life. And you know, her hair follicles don't lie. (Ugh, that was terrible.) But seriously, boo boo could afford to use ANYTHING in the world, and she chooses to use this.

 

If it's good enough for Shakira, it's most definitely good enough for my trashy ass. To find a salon that sells the good good that is Kitoko Oil Treatment in your area, look here for more info.





Pin It

Rumer Willis' Everything Game is All Kinds of Wrong.

This is what Rumer Willis (who is Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's daughter, DAD) wore to some Las Vegas day club opening this weekend. But before we get into this effery, can someone tell me what in dumb's sake a DAY CLUB is? Can't it just be a club that's open during the day? Or a pool or whatnot? Quit trying to reinvent the slut wheel, Vegas.

Anyway, I don't even care about the fact that lil' boosie is wearing a bikini top and glitter eff skirt. It's Las Vegas. And a day club. I don't know the appropriate dressing etiquette. But those sandals look like they should be worn by a Pop Pop named Saul that lives in Boca Raton. And her hair isn't bad in THEORY, but for some reason it looks like it was Fashion Plate-d onto her head. It makes my eyeballs feel awkward.

Here's Rumer (Is it wrong to hope that she opens a strip club named after herself?) with a friend, that is bringing up some questions for me. What is that faux camera thing around homeboy's neck? If that silly nonsense is an iPhone case, I will LOSE. MY. SH*T. I'm getting too old for this mess, you guys.

pics via buzzfeed




Pin It

Oh, no no no no.

I thought really hard about posting this, you guys. I don't know ish about Amanda Byne's rillll (copyright Courtney Stodden) life, but I suspect that some areas have been going less than swimmingly for her. But at least there haven't been those daily reports on her having to be physically removed from, well, everywhere, so I will assume that things have calmed down a bit. That was what I believed in my heart until I saw this picture she posted on her own twitter. Oh, honey. Why are you wearing a Taylor Dayne wig?

Sorry, youngsters. I know that you have ZERO idea who this is, but it's AB's wig twin. Except for the fact that this was Tay Tay's real hair at the time.

And just because Dave Chapelle isn't doing his show anymore, doesn't give you the right to bite Tyrone Biggum's style so hard. Rude. And I know that people are still doing the whole acrylic stiletto nails thing, but seeing them without polish gives me the grossies. I'll leave the makeup deal alone, because we all have eyes. And brain waves. Oh, and if you think I'm being a total c-face (Well, duh. Nice to meet you.) and judging off of one weird picture...

This is happening. And I REALLY, REALLY hope that this all is just a case of...

Because Amanda seems like a nice girl. Learn from your peer peeps. PLEASE. Take a nap, eat a nice grilled cheese, and stop the silly nonsense.









Pin It

Dammit, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. Stop Trying to Out Cute Each Other in My Heart!

via buzzfeed

Sonofab*tch. Ryan Gosling is cuter than a friggin' panda holding a baby koala wearing a monocle and an ascot. It's almost like this sh*t can't even be real. I think that Ry Gos might be an alien/android hybrid sent from outer space to steal our hearts, and ish. I mean, a person COULDN'T be cuter than this b, like, ever. Right?



Mother effer. J Law, you are making my heart explode. Why are you so cool? I really can't even handle either of these b's. It's too much. It's making me feel an emotion, and that' sh*t's not cool with me. Oh, and reporter dude that asked about her "peaking too early?" You, sir, are a dick. Can't a b*tch have LIKE FIVE MINUTES of happiness after winning an Oscar? Rude as eff. And that's saying something, coming from my ass.

P.S. If you want to buy one of those RG dish towels, you can do so here. Fifteen dollars never spent itself so easily.

P.P.S. The interviewer in the Gosling vid is pretty cool, too. Props to her for not being a dick.



Pin It

What Kind of Effery is Anne Hathaway Wearing on Her Dome Area???

Listen. I know that there is a large(ish) group of mofo's that straight hate Anne Hathaway. I am not one of those people, I think that she's just fine -- in general. But this...

pics via daily mail

I can't go for that sh*t. Homegirl looks half a grandma, half a turrible craft project gone awry. And this hat is CLEARLY her straight jam right now, because she's wearing this mess multiple times. Annie Boo Boo, whaddup? It's not protecting your lovely porcelain skin from ish, and crap's making your hair look super wig-like underneath. Believe it or not, no matter my pro-fake hair stance, that is NOT complementary. And don't you b's even start telling me that this glorified Gam Gam's upside down hanging flower pot rip off is haute couture, or whatever. I don't give a damn. It's gross.

Not doing this sh*t with you, Hatha-path. Take it off. (And let me burn it.) It's for the good of humanity.







Pin It

My Former Boyfriend, Jason London, MIGHT Have Pooped His Pants.

pic via (obviously) tmz

TMZ is reporting that Jason London, one half of the London twins that made up my dreams in the early 90's and sexy b*tch from Dazed and Confused, was arrested for ALLEGEDLY fighting bouncers, and then ALLEGEDLY used homophobic slurs to cops, AND THEN ALLEGEDLY POO POOED HIS PANTS. Go over there and read all the details if you wish. It looks like somebody MIGHT ALLEGEDLY need some of these:



And when did all of my fantasy men get old as eff??? Dude's wearing my dad's glasses. I AM NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC OR HYPERBOLIC -- MY DAD HAS THOSE GLASSES. Is this where we are now? All of my pubescent mens that I was totally into are now old, wearing dad glasses, and possibly losing control of their bowels?

I hate my life. But probably not as much as Jason London hates his today. Catch up on his dramzzz on his twitter, too. LUUUUULZ.



Pin It

Crazy Sh*t Celebrities Have Been Telling Me

No, I haven't been hearing the voices of famous people in my head. I'm not to THAT level, yet. I'm talking about on the social medias. I try to follow as many b's as possible on Twitter/Instagram/Grindr (I wish). And on occasion, that mess pays off. This is what has been happening in the celebrity world lately.

My lifetime role model, R Simms, talked about lunch boxes. (Heh -- boxes.)

Amanda Bynes bedazzled her face. With a needle. (Or however they do that ish.)

JB FINALLY listened to my ass for once in his mutha effin' life, and looked like he was in an all-lesbian review of West Side Story in the process. (P.S. Does that exist??? Because I would be VERY interested in watching that.)

Lilo talked about herself via Google Facts. We're all VERY impressed, Linds. You're special. And now for the picture that made my life...

LANA DEL REY IS F*CKING SMILING IN CURRENT DAY TIMES, YOU GUYS. What. Is. Happening? If someone had told me that this day would come, I would have never believed it. And she looks totally norms! Like a real and actual humanoid -- I feel quite confused.

And now I must go rest, I do believe that this has given me the vapors.

Pin It

I Must Say Something Quite Rude. (Shocker, I Know.)

via buzzfeed

I think I want to punch Sean Penn. Here he is with Emma Stone at the premiere for Gangster Squad (which I'm dying to see, by the mutha effin' way), looking ummmm, skeevy. And kind of dick-ish, if I do say so myself. When your skin texture is identical to Hulk Hogan's, it's time to do some deeeeep moisturizing and maybe get a facial, or something. Oh, and thanks for getting all dressed up for YOUR OWN MOVIE PREMIERE. Is that a cold day on the prison yard jacket? Nice.

Any of these outfits would be much preferred. I'm wearing the top of the triangle's today.

P.S. Your facial hair looks live a cartoon Devil's. That is all.


Pin It

THIS SH*T HAS GONE TOO FAR, JUSTIN BIEBER. Go to your room immediately, young man!

pics via Bieb's instagram

I know that I need to get of of Justin Bieber's jock. (GROSS.) But when ish like this is popping up on my instagram, I CANNOT IGNORE IT. What in mother eff is all of this? That far right picture just makes me feel illegal. Please stop showing me your toddler underoos, Biebs. And working out in overalls isn't overalls is just ridiculous. And stop photographing yourself by the heavy weights. We all know you just power walk and use your mom's strap-on ankle weights. You aren't fooling my ass.

But my biggest issue is the I-undid-one-overall-strap thing that is happening. ARE WE REALLY HERE AGAIN? Because you know who wore this look better?

DONNIE EFFING WAHLBERG, B*TCH. You can't even rock the 'alls as hard as Jordan.

Okay, maybe Jordan. Homeboy has a rat tail halfway to his ass.

P.S. Can we all just drink in this photo for a moment?

My life will never be as wonderful as it is at this moment. NKOTB 4 EVA.




Pin It