Ohhhh Sh*t. I've Got Some New Brow Business Up My Wizard's Sleeve.

I'm not shy about my eyebrow obsession. And for the past 9,384,032 years (I'm a vampire), I've used a brow pencil/powder/gel combo that is both fabulous and time-consuming as f*ck. But, as of last week, I MIGHT have found a product that combines all of those steps and still leaves my brows looking like a bad b*tch.

anastasia dipbrow promade in dark brown ($18 + free shipping)

Meet Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade. I kept hearing rumblings about this stuff on the interwebs, and after going to a Sephora and coming up empty handed, I just ordered that sh*t right from the Anastasia of Beverly Hills website.

It's very similar to a waterproof gel eyeliner (YOU CAN USE THIS TOM FOOLERY AS EYELINER), but also holds your brows in place like a hair pomade. It's perfect for annoyingly oily faces, like myself, or for peeps that live in a sweaty ass climate. Or for b*tches that like to have banging ass brows.

Using this stuff doesn't require a f*cking degree in aerospace, either. I went for a (kind of) natural look here, so if you want more definition on your peeps you can use more product. No biggie smalls.

For the first step, just draw a line using a thin, angled brush (a brush isn't included, so calm your tits) from the corner of your inner brow all the way to the tail, following your natural arch. In step two, follow along the top of the brow, starting a little ways back, if you want to keep it natural. If not, start at the front of that sh*t. I'm not the boss of you. For the final step, just fill in the entire eyebrow with what's left on the brush, following the direction of the hair growth. Done, b*tch. DONE.

Simple, right? So if you're into bitchin' brows with little to no hassle, ch-ch-check this pomade goodness here.



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What's The Haps, Naked3 Palette? Plus, A Head-To-Head Smackdown Between Naked3 And the Original Naked Palette.

I finally stopped being lazy for 3.5 seconds, put my grown lady panties on, and made a video about Urban Decay's Naked3 palette. Give it a watch to see what gets me all hot and bothered (gross) about it, as well as how it stacks up against the original Naked. Now, LET'S GET NAKEY (X 3)!



By the way, here's a closer look at N3, if you're so inclined to see that sh*t up close and personal like:

You can pick up Naked3 here, or if original Naked is more your cup o' tea, check it here.



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How To Self Tan Like A True Boss B*tch

I have this weird ass internal struggle, man. I love OTHER people's natural skin tones, from super porcelain to deep mocha, that sh*t is straight up gorgeous. But when I'm forced upon my own sad epidermis in its untouched state (especially in photographic evidence), I'm all, "JESUS GOD I LOOK TERRIBLE. And so un-Jessica Alba glowy. What the crap am I doing with my life?" This leads me straight to the bottle...of self tanner. Probably of the sauce, too, but every day can't be my own personal friggin' therapy session.

I've been big on the self tanning scene (in my own bathroom) for well over ten years. I avoid sun exposure like the Black Plague-era peeps avoided rodents, so this has become the only solution to my self-induced dermis hate seshes. Over the past decade of (tanning) rubs, I have gotten the application of these elixirs down to an effing SCIENCE. Let me teach you the tips to achieving an even, non-sh*t faux tan, if you're into that kind of thing.

Rub-a-dub Dub

Listen, I know you've read this step roughly one trill-y times from every beauty publication from here to Venus, but it really is the basis to a solid fake tan. EXFOLIATE YOUR BODY LIKE THE SLOUGHING WILL BRING THE SECOND COMING OF RYAN GOSLING. My OG way to exfoliate is truly the most original of the gangsters in the skin cell shedding game -- a plain ass wash cloth. I have found it to be really the best in the universe. Plus, you probably already own this. If not, borrow one from your Gam Gam. But if I'm feeling lazy -- hey, it must be a day ending in 'y'!

 Sorry...using a loofah-esque exfoliating glove will also do the job. It's your world, do you.

At this point in your shower/bath/bath house/outdoor grotto, you are also going to want to shave whatever body parts that you typically shave. It will prep your skin even more, plus you don't want to shave off your fresh-to-death tan in one and a half days, or whatever.

Hydrate the Rough Stuff

After you've exfoliated yourself back to newborn status, it's time to protect the areas of your face/body that are prone to soaking up too much tanner, leaving you looking a blotchy hot ass mess. You can apply your regular facial lotion to your face, unless it has alpha hydroxy acids and such in it, which will make your tan wash right off your mug. Next, take a body lotion and moisturize all over your feet and ankles, knees, elbows, wrists and hands. Use a decent amount and don't skimp. These areas tend to be drier and rougher and the lotion will act as a semi-barrier to the tanner, keeping your ish even and looking toooight.

Protect Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

I used to skip this step, because I fancied myself a professional and thought I could handle my business. But, I have learned that using a glove or a mitt to protect your hands from that dreaded OPS (orange palm syndrome) really makes your life a hell of a lot easier. Mitts work best for mousse formulas, while gloves are better for stuff like lotions and gels. When applying the tanner, use small circles to work it in. If it also contains a bronzer, no need to call the governor if it looks streaky when you finish. As long as you're hitting all the spots, and applying evenly in circles, your actual tan should look fine.

There's another small issue you face when using tanning hand condoms -- having really pasty hands. I remedy this by taking the mitt/glove and rubbing whatever excess tanner that is remaining on the hand protection on the backs of my hands. I then rub more lotion on my hands and wrists and wash just the palms of my hands. Your extremities will keep a nice glow without screaming, "LOOK AT MY HANDS! THEY ARE FULL O' SELF TANNER! ORANGE APLENTY OVER HERE!"

What Not to Wear (and Do)

Your tan is all applied, so here comes the annoying part. Do not touch anything at all for a solid 30 minutes. NOTHING, I say, good sir. No sitting, no clothes, zero things. In fact, it's best if you can avoid clothes for an hour, really. Go ahead and book yourself an nudie vacay. When you do get dressed, wear something that is blousy and not tight. I'm talking mumu status. Wearing stuff like bras and jeans will seriously eff up your tan game. And you can forget wearing white. Or winter white. This is why most b's like to tan up at night, so you can just go the eff to sleep after half an hour or so.

As far as activities go, your ass needs to lay low for at least an hour. Don't do anything that will make you sweat or get you wet (DON'T BE SICK). If your self tanner contains a bronzer, you're safe to wash that sh*t off after four hours of lazing around and being fed grapes. You can also now wear white after your first shower, so you finally make your way to a P. Diddy white party, or whatever.

Tell him I said, "BIGGIE 4EVA."





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Beauty For When You're Feeling Blue-y

There are two kinds of people that roam this planet of doom. Peeps that are all optimistic and sh*t, and when feeling low, go watch a Reese Witherspoon movie and just feel better about life. And then probably drink sweet tea on a sunny porch. If that describes your demeanor, this post is not for you. No, this is for the lite misery-wallowers. Those of us that, instead of reaching for a well-read copy of Chicken Soup for Your Mutha Effin' Soul, read this.

for the emo-souled only

I am in a decently-sized funk lately, you guys. This will not come as a surprise to people that know me on a personal level, because my moods typically range from Sophia from Golden Girls to Grumpy Cat with PMS. No one ever believes me when I tell them that my high school pottery teacher called me "Sunshine," because of current constant state of b*tch assness. WELL, IT'S TRUE, MOFOS. I've channeled all of nearing-middle-age angst into the beauty things that I truly appreciate most when my emo levels are breaking the emotionally-bankrupt bank.

What's the Matte-r, Baby?

I love matte nails, especially when they're dark. It's like your fingers are wearing tiny, clean chalkboards of darkness. That's a positive thing, in case you felt unsure. To achieve matte-to-death nails of whatever color, I like to use OPI's Matte Top Coat (Ulta, $9). You can use it over any ol' boring as Bran Flakes nail polish, and it gives you insta-edge of darkness. Like you might be a sexy undertaker.

Wined Out Lips

There's nothing better than a dramatic ass lip statement when you're feeling super dramatic in your brain. It evokes images of wine drinking (which I will be partaking in, well, always) and smoking a cigarette out of one of those long cigarette holder things (which I would only do in my imagination). The most theatric 'stick of the bunch is Urban Decay's Revolution Lipstick in Shame (Sephora, $22), which is a really deep berry color that gives you immediate street cred. It's moodiness in a tube.

A Thin (or Thick. or Smudged.) Black Line

I hate to break it to you, sister, but you only have two eye options during these dark and uncertain times: winged liquid liner or a smudged out lid. It's in the "I'm Moping Handbook." Not to be confused with the "I'm Mopping Handbook," which is effing boring and should be avoided at all costs. Smudgy-lined eyes and this MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Shadow Pencil (Sephora, $20) in matte taupe grey (4E) go together like Hot Topic and strategically ripped fishnet tights. It's not a liner, it's a chubby waterproof pencil, so it literally takes 3 seconds and .098% effort to apply. It's a match made in sadness heaven.

Okay, end of list. We can now commence with our sad and dramatic reclining on a tufted chaise lounges in rooms darkened by drawn velvet curtains of quasi-despair. With badass b*tch lipstick. But just in case you really are in need of lifted spirits, I gift you with this:

Don't you feel better after seeing KK's cry face? It's an sure fire cure to the Wintertime doldrums.

Every time Kim cries, an angel gets its wings. Happy Holidays.

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Get The Most Out Of That Damn DIY Mani

My life is so effing hard. I really enjoy having beautiful/well-manicured nails, but I can't afford to get professional manis, and I hate taking the time to do that sh*t myself, just to have those mofos chip in 37 minutes. Eff you, nail chips. You're a d*ck.

Don't you worry your beautiful little angel fish face about this, though. Over my years, upon years of working against the man (AKA terrible manicures), I have developed a system that allows nails to be not-so-the-worst. (Yay?)

Keep That Sh*t Fresh to Death.

One of the world's biggest c-blocks to a lasting manicure is oil on your nails that cause premature polish chip-ilation (see what I did there?). The easiest way to wipe out that problematic nonsense is to give your claws the ol' cotton ball swipe with acetone. It will zap the oils from your nails, leaving those b*tches primed and ready for polishing.

Tip: Make this the last step before you start mani-ing. (Don't wash your hands, put on lotion, pet a rapid howler monkey after.)

Get Your Coats Right.

Have you seen the sign? Lasting manicures should start with a(n Ace of) base coat and end with a top coat. After the above acetone wipe, apply a base coat, followed by watching a couple minutes of the Real Housewives franchise of your choice. Then go to town, painting on two coats of your chosen polish. Watch a few more minutes of NeNe Leakes giving it to somebody, then finish off with the top coat, making sure you get that top edge of your nail, just to seal that mess in right. Get it right, get it tight, as instructed by Bubba Sparxxx.

Tip: To help your nails dry faster, run them under really cold water after they've dried a bit.

Cuticle Oil? More Like Beautiful Oil.

creative nail design solar oil, $7.59 (drugstore.com)

I love cuticle oil, man. Not only does it keep your cuticles conditioned, but it also keeps your manicure looking all shiny and sh*t. This CND bad b is my favorite of the cuticle oils, but you can even use olive oil, if that cheap tip is more your style.

Stick It Real Good.

There is one sure-fire way to avoid a chipped ass mani at all costs -- NAIL STICKERS. When they start getting weird and peel-y like, you can peel the stickers off and be on to the next one. Suck at nail art, but want to be a fancy ass? NAIL STICKERS! Hate waiting for polish to dry because you're impatient? NAIL STICKERS, MOFO! You get the idea.

Tip: For best staying power, start with the acetone wipe from the jump off.

Now, go, get out of here! Off to the wild you go, with a hot ass, lasting manicure.

I'll see you kids later.



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Beauty On The Lam (Or When You're Moving And Your Life Is Crazy)

Oh hey, you sexy ass strangers. I've missed your asses (and/or faces, if you're prudish). I'm currently in my new place of living, which I can now tell you is Phoenix, Arizona. I'm staying in a temporary housing sitch until I get that real real place, so that's my deal as of this second. It's been a crazy ass week, and I kind of feel like this.

I've had to take care of a ton of beauty sh*t on the fly, so I bring to you the following tips, which would also work if you're some kind of badass fugitive person that Angelina Jolie would play in a TV movie. I'm assuming you're reading this on a burner cell phone with internet access.

The Bare Minimum (Just Trying Not to Frighten Children) Makeup Kit -- Just because I moved on Halloween, doesn't mean I'm trying to look so scary that dogs tuck their tails and cockroach-walk away from my ass. But you know that TSA doesn't eff around with bringing liquids on a plane, so I had to WAY whittle down my normal purse makeup wares, while still keeping enough sh*t on my person to not look TERRIBLE terrible.

I pretty much kept it to the essentials: something to even out my bleh skin (Kat von D Lock-It Powder Foundation, $34 from Sephora), a stub of my ride-or-die brow pencil (Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow Pencil in Blonde, $2.99 from drugstore.com), a mini sample of any mascara, and a nude/clear lip gloss (Model Co Shine Ultra Lip Gloss in Strip Tease, $16). This little set has kept me looking mediocre, and for that, I'm thankful as hell.

Getting Away From My Roots -- I don't have a current hair person, home address or a life plan, but you know what I do have? White trash blonde(ish) roots with dark brown hair. And homie don't play that sh*t, so I have to do something about that awfulness.

nice'n easy root touch-up for dark brown, $5.40 (target)

Full disclosure, I just got back from Target, and I actually bought the wrong crap, so I haven't EXACTLY used this stuff yet. I've heard it's great for blending away roots, and since I can't order my regular go-to color, Couture Colour, due to not having an actual address, and because I have exactly zero leads on a new hair guru, this is what's happening.

It costs roughly $5, so I'm not expecting effing Blake-Lively-with-a-fresh-blowout-esque beautiful hair, but it'll do, pig. It'll do. I'll let you know how it goes on a scale of crazy 1940's era hobo to Connie Britton.

Lazy Weapons of Gross Destruction -- I told you mofos a couple weeks ago about my new favorite dry shampoo, and let me tell you, that b has been holding it down in these trying times. (House/apartment/I'll live anywhere at this point is exhausting, yo.) I've also been turning to another one of my quick fix products many a night, lately.

koh gen do cleansing spa water, $13 (sephora)

I love Koh Gen Do Cleansing Spa Water, like, a lot. I put it on a cotton round and rub that mess all up on my mug, and it's like using a makeup wipe deal, but it's really gentle and leaves your face soft as a bumble bee body (no stinger). It allows me to be one of those horrible "I don't wash my face at night" people without the whole sleeping in my makeup part. I usually follow up by washing my face, but sometimes that just isn't in the productive adult person nighttime cards. WHEN IN ROME, you guys.

So bottom line, I'm back, and stuff. I'll be moving into a permanent place later on this week, so it might take me a couple of days to get the internets, and such. But I promise I'll try to not be super sh*tty and post as much as possible via stolen wifi, or whatever. (Don't read that part, police or potential neighbor people.)

If you're a Phoenix-area person that doesn't enjoy stabbing people, let me know. I want to go to a concert this weekend, and I need friends.

Until then, I'll be doing a lot of this.

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RuPaul Just Rocked My Damn World With MAC's Viva Glam (The Original) Lipstick.

I really went to MAC the other day to just check out what the what was with that RiRi collection, and maybe to see what those Retro Matte 'sticks were all about. But when my ass was in there, one of the MAC girls told me about RuPaul's OG Viva Glam being back, and how IT WAS A MATTE BURGUNDY RED, and my ass was sold faster than fried pickles (to me). Even though I ALREADY have an effing red lip that I love. I'm such a dumb dumb sucker...for every damn thing.

mac viva glam, $15

But on the real, TELL ME THAT F*CKING COLOR ISN'T GORGEOUS. YOU'D BE A LIE.

via pandoraboxx

Oh, but that's not even all the good good, baby bubba. 

 

This sh*t lasts a crazy long time. Like, almost as long as the terrible one-ply toilet paper I bought at a convenience store three weeks ago. (Why won't it end? WHY?) My lips lasted through an entire shift at work, even through eating and drinking (I do a lot of that mess), with very little fading.

my typical work day, IN MY DREAMS.

PLUS, it's not drying, and doesn't get weird and pill-y like pretty much all the for real long wear lipsticks. It's pretty much perfection in a stick.

Thanks, Ru.



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Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig

After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah

how NOT to have an even skin tone

I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.

The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care

chokers 4 eva

Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety

how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?

Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.

I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.

Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I'll help you "Fake It Till You Make It: How to Create Those Beauty Features You Weren't Born With." Faking sh*t has never looked so good. You can check it here.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I take sh*t way, way back with 'Beauty Lessons From My 1980s Childhood Idols', featuring the likes of Billy Idol and Jem/boring ass Jerrica. See what it's all about here.




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Breaking Bad (Beauty Habits)

I pretty much can only think about Breaking Bad right now, you guys.

via brbagifs

 With only four episodes left forever ever, I feel like I'm attending a mini funeral every f*cking week. It's almost unbearable. P.S. If you haven't watched this show by now, Christ on a cracker, get your sh*t together and watch it. You can binge watch the whole thing on Netflix. Stop acting like a damn fool.

Anyway, since this blog is supposed to be half beauty sh*t, I actually came up with a way to incorporate my BB obsession and bring some beauty tips into the mix. With that in mind, here's how to finally break your bad beauty habits.

 Stop forgetting sunscreen by using a moisturizer with one already in it. I know that some of your asses are still gallivanting around out there sans sunscreen and doing 80's-type hood rat sh*t with your friends like "laying out."

Number one -- stop that sh*t. You're going to look old. And even if you aren't at the beach on the reg, you still need a moisturizer with sunscreen if your mug meets the sun's rays during the day. And if you're using any skin care products with fancy ass crap like retinols, or other exfoliating madness, you REALLY need a sunscreen. Quit playing with me.

Don't you ever share eyeliners or mascaras. Even in a jam. Sharing eye products is even more gross than sharing lip sh*t, and can easily spread effery like PINK EYE.

Listen, I'm a pretty nasty b*tch, but even I don't eff around with sharing eye makeup. I like to carry a cheap drugstore eyeliner and a mini mascara in my purse to avoid sh*tty situations such as these. Your total cost will be under $5, and YOU WON'T BE GROSS AS F*CK.

If you can't remember to wash your face at night, keep facial cleansing wipes by your bed. Why does washing your face at night feel like you're climbing the friggin' Great Wall of China? I don't know, but I do know that this is me:

And b*tches don't feel like posting up over a sink and scrub-a-dub dubbing all damn night. But, not washing your face at night not only clogs your pores (obvs), IT MAKES YOU AGE FASTER. Mother. F*cker. If you can't wash your face, at least use a cleansing wipe. It's clearly freaking important.

Cure nail biting with glitter nail polish. This DIY cure is a two fold deal. First off, if your nails are that of a bad b*tch, you won't want to eff them up.

Also, NO ONE wants to eat glitter. That just sounds disgusting, even to Ke$ha's ass.

Nails = saved.

Okay, b faces, back to Breaking Bad premonitions/thoughts/theories. And, seriously, if you don't watch this show I WILL CUT YOU.




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