The Lazy Diaries: The Best Product to Get Yo' Self Tan on With Minimal Effort

Being lazy is almost a full-time job, you guys.

And looking like you have two effs to rub together, while still doing the bare minimum, really needs to be in the Olympics, because that ish is straight CHALLENGING. Especially if you're trying to keep your self tanning game tight and un-Lohan-ish.

I've been on a self tanning kick because I dyed my hair really dark, as I always tend to do, and if I don't maintain at least SOME level of self tan, I look like a dead, or at least undead, person. It's quite a conundrum. I also ran out of one of my other favorite lazy tanning products, Jergens Natural Glow Foaming Moisturizer, so I've been scavenging through all of my self tanning products that people have sent me and I've yet to try. That's when I came across this little delicious gumdrop of tan.

dr. dennis gross alpha beta glow pad for body, $45 for 8 pads

Here's the thing -- I really pretty much love every effing Dr. Dennis Gross product that I've ever tried, and I've even used the hell of the face version of these, so I don't really know what my dumb dumb effing deal was about not trying the body pads earlier. Sometimes I feel like I need to see receipts on my brain waves. Sh*t's spacey. (And not even cool like Kevin Spacey.)

Regardless of my bullsh*t, I finally got around to trying these things, and THEY ARE MY B*TCHES. This formula is the only full-on self tanner that I can actually use in the morning before work, get dressed 30 minutes later, and look like a reg person and not an insane (Clown Posse) one. And it takes me less than five minutes to apply. You rub the towel thingy on your skin in circles, follow up with body lotion, and that's it, kitten. You're on your tanned ass way.

Yeah, it's seriously that easy. And I'm about that life. My only gripe about these is that they aren't some damn magical box that replenishes itself at my demanding ass will.

Get your own damn lazy on here.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

Because my ass is full-on obsessed with Orange is the New Black, I made a weird Choose Your Own Adventure-style beauty game for you to live your beauty lives vicariously through your favorite ladies of OITNB. Figure out which one you are, and live your damn life accordingly. Check that sh*t here.



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If I Were an Octopus, These Are the 8 Beauty Products I'd Hold All the Time

There are a million beauty products out there, and I feel like I've tried at least 78% of them. And don't get me wrong, I love a lot of products, but these are my mandatory must-haves. I LOVE THESE BABY MOTHERS. I NEVER LET THEM GO.

#1 -- True Red Lipstick
 

kat von d everlasting love liquid lipstick in outlaw, $19 (sephora)

Please believe my ass when I tell you this -- nothing will take your facial area from "meh" to "cha-ching" like an amazing red lipstick. NOTHING. And this beaut is my hands-down ride or die b*tch. It stays on like a mofo, and it's matte. Which means, if you want it to be not-so-matte, you just put a creamy red lipstick over, and then IT STAYS AND ISN'T FLAT. Say somthin' now. 

#2 -- Eyeshadow Primer

urban decay eyeshadow primer potion, $20

Sometimes I feel like it's possible that I might die with the good word of UD's Primer Potion on my lips. Like, that's how f*cking much I talk about this stuff. But I literally could not wear a friggin' dot of eye makeup without it, so I press on. If you are oily, or have any issue with your eye makeup fading or shifting, and you don't use this sh*t, then I can't even with you anymore. GET THIS.

#3 -- Beige-y Blonde Brow Pencil for Any Hair Color

maybelline expert eyes twin brow & eye pencils in blonde, $2.39 (drugstore.com)

 Lemme tell you a little something about brow pencils, mmmkay? I don't give two effs what color your hair is, you need to use a blonde/ashy-colored brow pencil. Use the pencil to shape your brow, then fill it in with a brow powder (or even an eyeshadow, I don't give a damn) that somewhat matches your hair color. PLEASE don't use a black brow pencil because you have black hair. TRUST ME, I'VE BEEN THERE, GOT THE HORRIFIC PICTURES TO PROVE IT. DON'T MAKE ME SHOW YOU. Your face (and all the eyeballs of the world) will thank you.

#4 -- Gel/Cream Waterproof Eyeliner 

sephora waterproof smoky cream liner in matte black, $12

On the real, HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT THIS SH*T for the lower lash waterline and in-between upper lashes? Short answer: I effing don't. I apply this with a thin eyeliner brush by wiggling it between my eyelashes, and it makes them look roughly 4095830% fuller. This is one of those makeup steps that if I skip it, people are all, "Why do you look so tired?" And I'm like, "Eff you," then I go put it on, because those dicks are right. Plus, it's the only thing that I've ever used that stays on my waterline. You can pry it from my cold, dead hands. P.S. If you do that, I will haunt you. And it won't be the old man from the amusement park, either.

#5 -- Body Oil

spectrum organic unrefined coconut oil, $9.99 (the vitamin shoppe)

I'm just not that into body lotion, you guys. It makes my ass (and arms and back and legs) feel filmy, and homie don't play that.

I like to use coconut oil, because it has one billion uses, so you super get your money's worth. But I also mix it with body lotion if I'm into that crap that day. (I'm a fickle b*tch.) I'm also not exclusive with coconut oil, either. (SLUT!) I'll really use any body oil that doesn't smell like babies. Even babies don't want to smell like babies.

#6 -- Gradual Tan Body Lotion

jergens glow foaming daily moisturizer in medium to tan, $8.69 (target)

I have a weird thing with being tan/being not tan. I really love pale skin, and I hate the sun (save for the whole "that b keeps us alive" thing), but sometimes I like tans on my legs, but not on my face.



And this ish is my boss b*tch for a few reasons -- it's not lotion-y (see above) or heavy, it dries fast, and you can control your level of bronze to a non-crazy level. (GET OUT OF HERE, CHRISTINA AGUILERA!) Oh, and it's like $10. GET ON MY SKIN.

#7 -- Black Liquid Liner

vs makeup graphic liner pen, $14 (victoria's secret)

What are your feelings on liquid eyeliner? Are you scared of that sh*t? Because your ass shouldn't be. I wear liquid liner pretty much every day, and that doesn't mean I'm Amy Winehouse-ing the hell out of myself on the reg. You can use it just like you would a pencil liner, including smudging it up before it dries. It's just bolder and lasts longer on my oily mess of a face. My favorite type is a fine felt-tipped pen like the VS one above that I'm currently using. It's waaay easier to control than one of those brush deals, and much better for lazies than that bullsh*t you have to dip in a well like you're penning a friggin' letter to Ponce de Leon in the 15th century.

#8 -- (Fullish) Powder Foundation

mac studio fix powder plus foundation, $27

 Hey, have you guys heard the sh*tty word that I'm oily as f*ck? Oh, yeah, I think I've mentioned it.

 

Ryan Gosling -- making eye rolling adorable since 1980. (Yes, I googled his birthday. Get off me.) Anyway, due to this extreme oily situation, I oftentimes need to use a powdered foundation for a couple of reasons. I initially use it as a primer, as in after moisturizer and before liquid foundation, just to set up a barrier between the oil factory that are my pores and more liquid particles. I also carry this boo thang in my purse for touch ups, because it's a little more substantial than some thin and flimsy powder. I've used it for years on years on years, and it's on my dream team.

Well, I'm fresh out of legs. (Tentacles? Testicles? All of the above?) What would your asses hold if you were an octopus? Oh, and let's get real. If I really were an octopus, this would totally be me.

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, it's all about the muzzzaaak and the makeup in a little ditty that I like to call "Makeup Looks Inspired By Your Favorite Summer Jams." Check that ish out here.

Plus, ROBOTS.




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Deal O' The Day: Me & The Girls Beneficial Organic Beauty

I recently made a little demo video for the Bar Beleza from me & the girls, who also make my favorite lip treatment.



It's a pretty badass multi-use facial bar, and would be friggin' perfect for those of you who are low maintenance, normal to dry, or love natural products. Here are the ingredients, which are also 99% organic:

Theobroma Grandiflorum (Cupuacu Seed Butter)*, Theobroma Cacao (Cocoa Butter)*, Calophyllum Inophyllum (Tamanu Oil)*, Organic Cocos Nucifera (Virgin Coconut Oil)*, Vitamin E - Tocopherol

You can normally snatch this mofo up for $40.

BUT TODAY ONLY (I'm pretending I'm in a local car commercial. Just let my ass.) you can use the coupon code JULY50 to get A 50% DISCOUNT. ON EFFIN ANYTHING. So go save that money, honey.

TODAY ONLY. TODAY. TODA. TOD. TO. T. Okay, I'm done. And I ran out of letters.





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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

 This week for Allure, it's all about not looking scary as hell with Beauty Tips to Stop You From Saying, "No, I'm Not a Zombie." If you wish, check that ish out here.




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THE ROYAL BABY IS HERE, So Let's Use Baby Products to Look Hot.

Hey, guys. Have you heard? THE ROYAL BABY WAS BORN YESTERDAY. I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

I mean, yaaaayyy, and everything, but what it really got me thinking...

"If babies are born, and you have to buy a lot of sh*t for them, can you then use that sh*t for beauty purposes?" - Low Rent Carrie Bradshaw

johnson's baby shampoo, $3.99 at target

Baby shampoo is kind of a boss b*tch, yo. You can use it for a ton of things. My favorite use is for cleaning makeup brushes. Because, well, those sh*ts are made from animal hair...and this is a shampoo. It's gentle, so it won't eff up your brushes, but it will still remove gross oils and makeup gunk.

Bonus: Another great use for this mess is an alternative to shaving cream, which I personally hate. Because baby shampoo is so mild, it won't strip or irritate your skin, and it provides lots of glide (heh) for the razor.

johnson's baby powder, $2.44 at target

Baby powder is like the super OG dry shamps. Back a million years ago when I looked like this:

I could not LIVE without baby powder. My hair was super fragile (effing obviously), so I tried to wash it less, and baby powder was my jammiest jam that's ever jammed. Plus, it's the cheapest dry shampoo that's ever sopped up hair oil. Bottom line, unless you have dark hair, you need this sh*t in your life for $2.

Bonus: You also use b. powds to but the kibosh on foot stank when you're wearing shoes without socks. Fresh to death in this b.

shea moisture organic raw shea butter baby oil rub, $10.29 at target

Full disclosure, here. I've never used this specific baby oil, BUT I'M TOTALLY BUYING IT ASAP. Because here's my baby oil deal -- I love that sh*t to use instead of a body lotion. BUT, I hate the smell, and I'm not fond of rubbing mineral oil all over my skin, because I don't even know what the eff it is. So both of those issues are solved with this baby oil, and I almost want to have a baby so it's not weird for me to buy the ish out of this stuff.

Bonus: Baby oil is also great for removing pain in the ass eye makeup. Just swipe it on with a cotton ball, then follow up by washing your face like normal.

Look out, ROYAL BABY, because we're coming for your damn beauty products.

Hide yo' powders, hide yo' 'poos. But not your POOS poos. We don't want those, Josie Grossie.



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I've Been Hoarding an Awesome Eyeshadow Palette Like a Total B Face.

When I tell you guys that I'm the worst, I'm not just being hyperbolic. Like, I am literally the worst at all things. I've had a really badass eyeshadow palette for like two months, and using it on the reg, like almost every day, and I haven't said sh*t. And that's like my job(ish).

But, LOOK. I'm trying to fix it. So let me effin' do this already.

Smashbox's Photo Op Eyeshadow Palette in Softbox II, $39

When Smashbox sent me their Photo Op Palette in Softbox II a while back, I knew it would be my jam immediately. It's a great mix of matte shadows and shimmery ish, and it's neutral, so my old ass won't look like a damn tween. (Not that there's anything wrong with being a tween. Or a twink. I'm just jealous that I'm not either.)

Here's a sh*tty-ish up close look at the colors. I literally like them all, which is super rare for me when it comes to palettes. I'm usually meh-ing the f*ck out over at least a couple of them. In my "everyday eye" look I've got happening above, I'm using all of the shadows but juniper. I have bare as my base shadow/under the brow deal. I used truffle from the crease to the lash line, then sumatra under my eye and in the crease. I then blended it out a little with russet. I finished by using a little sandstorm in the inner corner and inner lid. It's a pretty natural look, and a touch smoky. But not in a too slutty for daytime kind of deal.

Bottom line -- bee's knees, cat's pajamas, giraffe's fishnet stockings, butterfly's fancy hat, this palette is the sh*t. You can ch-ch-check it out for your own damn self here.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via realitytvgifs

This week for Allure, my love and hours spent watching trash TV all pay off with "Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Watching Way Too Much Reality TV." Go check it out here.



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Don't Serve Life for These Beauty Crimes

Holy eff balls, man, being a human lady can be hard at times. It can be really tough to get your ish together beauty-wise, and just live your life like a person. Luckily for you, I've experienced many a beauty tragedy, and I have learned from my grossest mistakes.

Dalmatian-esque Self Tanner Jobs

Poor LL. The tragic victim of the Cheetos 'Stache. (Duck lips are unrelated.)

This is a very common occurrence with those of us who enjoy hitting the bottle of self tanner. Luckily, there is the world's easiest solution to this mess.

Do like this bang-coiffed child and exfoliate your sh*t before you apply your tan. A plain ol' washcloth works best for the bod, but take a little more care with your mug. You don't want to be too harsh and eff your skin up. Just use your brain area and your best judgement. But, I will say that I find a washcloth most effective for removing existing splotchiness, like on Lilo's stubborn upper lip area (or other annoying areas like armpit creases, knees, elbows, etc).

Creased n' Greasy Eyeshadow

Is there a bigger c-block to bangin' ass eyeshadow times than creasing on you lid? Imma go with "no." This is one of the easiest beauty blunders to overcome, and I owe all of that to Urban Decay's Primer Potion ($20). You just need a little dab of this magic to cover your eyelid, and I even use it on my lower lash line to keep eyeliner and such in check. I literally recommend this sh*t to everyone, and I refuse to shut the eff up about it. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

via mrhankey

OCD Nail Probs

I've told you guys before, I don't give two effs about trying to stay in the lines when I paint my nails. It's super pointless and time-consuming. You can have 100% gorgeous and glossy nails, without a steady hand and being a freaky ambidextrous circus performer. Just worry about painting the entirety of those b's, and them let them dry COMPLETELY. After they're dry, take that same raggedy washcloth, or loofah, or whatever deal you want, and scrub the skin around your newly painted nails. IT WILL COME RIGHT OFF. You can feel free on move on about your life, people. This is now a non-issue.

What other beauty probs do you need me to get to solvin'? Sound off in the comments, or send some smoke signals. Whatever. I got you, boo.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I delved into the scariest beauty sh*t that you should try. Check it out here.


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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I ventured into this hot ass weather and how to keep your beauty sh*t tight when it's hot as hell. Go check out Hot Weather Beauty Hacks: Keep It All Together When The Going Gets Hot here.




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Beauty Sh*t I'm Going to Bring With Me When I Take a Time Machine Back to Game of Thrones Times.

Dammit, you guys. I JUST STARTED WATCHING GAME OF THRONES YESTERDAY. I know, I know. I'm a dumb d*ck.

I just hate this kid's face. So much.

And don't effing spoil crap for me, because I'm only in the middle of the first season. I already read all the hoopla from this week's episode on social media, and and I don't want to know what it means, and I want to keep it that way. I will come to your house and slap you if you tell me ANYTHING.

 Okay, I won't. I love your asses, but still. Don't.

After watching going on six hours of this magic, I decided that I totally want to take a time machine back to the Game of Thrones olden days. BUT, I want to be able to take beauty products with me, because Khaleesi. (That gorgeous, gorgeous b.)

Burt's Bees Facial Cleansing Toweletts, $6

The first thing that I'll desperately need are these Burt's Bees face wipes. I have tried a dragon's egg ton of face wipes, and these are the bee's knees. (Ugh. No. Someone stop me.) If you're living in pre-shower times, these mofos are a must.

Johnson's White Baby Powder with Cornstarch, $2.44

And because I am the oiliest humanoid on this planet, the fun oily times don't stop with my face area. I shall also require the assistance of a baby powder to sop up the grossness of second day (and beyond) hair. If you have dark hair, sadly, you are SOL when it comes to using cheap crap like baby powder as a dry shampoo. Someone once told me that you can use cocoa powder, but I've never tried that mess. Let me know if you have primary research on that sh*t, so we can all get our lives together.

Colgate Wisp Optic White, $7.99 for 16

C'mon, ain't nobody got a toothbrush up in those days, so these disposable tooth deals with be super necessary. Can you even imagine what everything smelled like back then? I can't even handle sexy time scenes. You know it was gross as hell.

Revlon ColorStay Ultimate Suede in Backstage ($7.49) and Stila's Stay All Day Mascara ($22)

I DO NOT plan on roaming about without any makeup on. Sorry, homies, not happening. But I have narrowed that sh*t down to the bare essentials. Imma need a waterproof mascara, and Stila's Stay All Day is my ride-or-die choice. It's supposed to be volumizing, but it's not so much. But it does separate the lashes nicely and has great staying power, which is essential. You know my ass will be crying all day, erry day. My constitution is quite delicate.

I picked Revlon's ColorStay Ultimate Suede Lipstick in Backstage for dual purposes -- lips and cheeks. Backstage is a pretty dark berry-ish color, so I don't apply it like a regular lipstick. I blot it on lips and cheeks, then blend it in, so it's like a lip stain. Plus, it's got great staying power, just in case I'm forced to work at a pleasure house, or something.

Always be prepared. Now, if you'll excuse my ass, if going back to my endless GoT watching sesh.

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