Pictures to Peruse While Listening to Jock Jams

Ugh. Remember this disgustingness?

That's a badass b rollin' deep right there.

Oh, No Fear shirts. Never have charm and trash collided in such a way.

Does this even need a caption?

I had this exact crimper. Y'all ready for this?

I had these shoes, too. Flawless. Thanks, Spice Girls.

Get that Guts agrocrag, honey.

Please tell me you guys remember Pumps. Why the eff do we need air to tighten the shoes, again???

Okay, so you should probably listen to grunge for this, but tell me you don't want that earring.

Seriously, why?

Who loves sweaty feet with dirt particles stuck to them?

I once cried because of this show. I was 15.

This is way after Jock Jams, but exactly WHAT THE EFF IS THIS?

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This Is Really Happening.

pic via la gear

Hot damn, you guys. Do you know what those little puppies up there are? They are the re-launched LA MOTHER EFFING LIGHTS SHOES. These exist, and I'm so friggin' excited. I had LA Lights the first time around, and they were (obviously) my jam. I mean, a shoe that lights up at you walk is totally appropriate for a woman in her 30's, right? I feel like Jem (or maybe the Misfits) just drove her van over a rainbow made from Rainbow Brite dolls to deliver these to me. Go check out the badass color selection (and be fresh to death, if you want, and buy a pair) here. Can we do this, people? Or am I being even more insane than normal?



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There Was a 25th Anniversary Full House Reunion (AKA Damn, It Feels Old to be a Gangsta)

Well, minus the Olsen twins -- of course. (How rude!) But Kimmy Gibbler's annoying ass was there, and even Steve (Aladdin's voice dude) came. Not to mention, all the mens have matching sunglasses (cute!) except for Stamos, because that ho is waaay to hot to cover that mug.

I need Aunt Becky's anti-aging secrets, because b looks good as hell. And who would've thought that Candace Cameron would be the one to turn out to be a stone cold fox?

pics via DJ Tanner's twitter


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The Horrible Pitfalls of Coming of Age in the 90's

I turned 18 in the year of 1999, or the year of the partying Prince (or Prince symbol thing at the time) song. I feel like no matter what decade you are a teenager, there is always some super embarrassing/hazardous pictures of your horrid-ness floating around. But because I was a young whippersnapper in the 90's, I had to suffer through a sh*tload of grossness that I did to myself, and now think WTF kind of effery did I do to myself???

#1 Tramp Stamps -- Let's just go ahead and get the worst, most permanent thing out of the way. Not a lot of people (even close friends) know this about me, but I'm putting this mess all on front street for the enjoyment of strangers. Yikes. On my 18th birthday, I got a tramp stamp. And it's a butterfly. ( I EFFING KNOW, YOU GUYS.)

My underwear indentations aren't exactly helping the sitch, either. In my defense, there was no such thing as a tramp stamp in 1999. But children of the world, please take this into consideration. Don't get a tattoo on yo' damn 18th birthday, like a dummy. A butterfly is not cute over a 30 something's ass crack. Mmmmkay?

#2 Horrible Lifelong Photos of Memorable Occasions -- I also had a pretty horrible prom dress, you guys. Crushed velvet leopard print?

Don't forge to rest your eyes on those luxurious, mile-long acrylic nails while you're at it. Not pictured -- a chunky-heeled, strappy, GLITTERED black dress sandal. Hang it up, style queens. You've got nothing on this hotness.

#4 Pubescent Before Flat Irons -- Imagine growing up in the Florida humidity without the invention of flat irons. They didn't come out until I was in friggin' college. AND I had bangs for a large portion of my life.

I look like damn Doris Day or some crap. And let's not even bring up my Donna Martin-esque outfit. I don't even know if I owned a hair dryer at this point in my life. And that's also about the last time I saw my natural hair color.

#5 The "Platinum Playboy" Look Was Cool (to Me) -- I had (white) platinum blonde hair, a dangle belly button ring, and acrylic french manicured nails.

Oh, and a ridiculous amount of crop tops. That's a lot time investment in ab work, people. Probably using an ab roller. And a thigh master worked in, somehow.

What kind of grossness did you guys go through when you were in your teen years? Please tell me it wasn't as horrible as my ish. Impossible.






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Someone Get Brenda on The Phone...

And the phone better look like this or I'm going to be pissed.

The New York Post is reporting that Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay (or Jennie Garth and Luke Perry if you're boring) are dating EACH OTHER. Oh, hell naw. I know that Shannen Doherty is married, (Yes, it's important to stay up to date on IMPORTANT celebrity relationship statuses. And Education Connection commercials still qualify a person as a celebrity.) but she needs to drop her dude so she can get up on this. KELLY TAYLOR CANNOT WIN.

pic via ny post

P.S. Their respective reps claim that the two are just "close friends." Ummm hmmm. That means their no no's have seen each other. B, please. These two are practically bumping and grinding to Next's Too Close in the picture above.



Pshhhaw, I say to you. Pshhhaw. And on a completely unrelated note, I just ordered this shirt:

What? A capped sleeve baseball style screen printed baby tee is totally in for fall '12. I don't dictate the trends, people.



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90's Dudes Today: Boy Meets World Edition (With a Joey Lawrence Cameo)

I saw a picture of Boy Meets World's Rider Strong the other day, randomly, and found that he is now pretty sexual.

Right??? He's all facial hair-y and probably still a smug little b. So that prompted me to find the other boys from the show and see how they are looking these days.

Okay, so he still (pretty much) looks the same; like a mini Fred Savage. EXCEPT that Fred Savage starred in this little gem:

OBESSION IS DEADLY, you guys. Effing deadly. One of the top five best Lifetime Movies, trust.

So that leaves us with the older brother, that I always thought was one of the Lawrence brothers for some reason. In reality, his name is Will Friedle and here he is:

Okay, clearly not a Lawrence brother. Because THIS is what Joey Lawrence now looks like:

pic via radar online

Well hello, there. Score one for team Lawr Bro. (And Rider Strong.)



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Oh, Snap. Get My Brown Lip Liner and Frosted Lipstick Back, STAT.

Word on the (beauty) street is that chocolate nails are back for fall. To which I say, been there, done that, got the long ass acrylic nails to prove it. (Well, not the actual nails. That would be disgusting. I have the PICTURES to prove it.)

Let's get a closer look at those hot, hot talons of late 90's sexy.

Woooooow. (Flavor Flav voice -- I that even a slightly relevant reference? Nope, not at all.) So, I'm not sure if I'm to jump all up on this bandwagon yet, but I did find some great polishes to kick off the chocolate rain craze.

butter London in Tramp Stamp, $14

Essie in Chocolate Cakes, $8

NYX in Matte Chocolate Brown, about $6

Will you guys try chocolate nails again? Or did you get your fill (har, har) of the choco trend back in the day?



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Am I Done Here?

Pic via Us Weekly

Here is Brad Pitt filming some movie where he looks pretty unfortunate. I mean am I right? Homeboy's face is toeing a VERY fine line to the color and texture of his boots. I say this with a heavy heart, but I think that my love affair with Brad Pitt is over. And this is no fly-by-night deal. I actually have proof of just how long I have been into this b.

Here I am having an (obviously) badass sleepover in the early(ish) 90's, which apparently involved a lot or tag team telephone time. Fun. You are welcome, everyone's face that I blurred out. Ugh. How annoying does my room look? And look at the luxury TV I have kickin' in the corner. I was a preteen boss. Now, lets focus on what's really important here.

There's Brad Pitt, from Legends of the Fall, taking up prime real estate on my ugly ass floral wallpaper. (BTW, if you've never watched that movie, watch that ish. It's seriously really effin' good. And it has the kid from ET in it.) Don't get me wrong, BP is still a hot man. I just feel like the magic is gone. I blame Angelina Jolie.

Are you guys still into Bradley? Or have we moved on to b's like Harry Potter or whatever? (Shudder.)



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Jem and the Holograms Made Me a Crazy B

I think that we can all agree that Jem is the hottest cartoon of all time.

But I can also say, with complete confidence, that this b effed up my life. How can you even live up to glamor like this? A lace fingerless glove AND a leather fingerless glove? I mean, damn, a regular b doesn't stand a chance. And in this video, Jem becomes A JEM MERMAID. Sigh.



Seriously, I think that Jem made a huge impact on my young life. Here are the Jem-isms that have stuck with me:

Wear Whatever the Hell Crazy Outfit You Want: I have always been somewhat of a fashion risk-taker. I was never one to care about matching, and I have been known to be somewhat over-the-top at times. My mom told me a few months ago that "I was finally in style, because not matching is a thing now." Sigh.

A Badass Earring Can Make Everything Better: I really like to wear a 'statement' earring in one ear, and like a stud, or whatever, in the other. I think it really harkens back to my Jem days, and that damn magical earring. If I had one that could light up, that ish would rock my world.

All Pink Errrthing: Damn, I love pink. And a little more than any dumb dumb in her thirties should. If I could have Jem-pink hair right now, and not look crazier than tanning mom, (too dated a reference?) I totally would. Man, I hate myself.

Don't Be Afraid to Take a Chance on Beauty:  Jem wears damn hot pink eyeshadow trapezoids like a boss. That mess inspires me to try different hairstyles, makeup colors, and more. Who cares if your look might lean more toward the insane side of the beauty scale? YOLO. (I know, I know.)

Now get ready for you day to be ruined. You better get your novelty-sized eraser out, because you are about to clear your schedule for the foreseeable future. Jem and the Holograms is on Netflix watch instantly. On a completely unrelated note, I have to go. I have to weed my vegetable garden, or something. (And no, that is NOT a euphemism for something sexual.) Okay, fine. I'll be in a mother effin' Jem-induced rabbit hole for the next 2384032984 hours. Bye, b's.




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I'm Wearing My Over-Sized NKOTB Pin in My Retirement Home

Donnie Wahlberg (if you don't know who that is, it's time to go) posted this picture of the current state of affairs of New Kids on the Block to his twitter. It appears that they are in a bath house of some sort, and have become an Freddie Mercury tribute band. Damn, we are all getting old, aren't we? Jon looks like he's in dire need of  a nap and some cucumbers on his eyes. Danny's hardly in the picture, because he was never anyone's favorite. BUT, my man Jordan (Does anyone else find it weird that a middle aged man's name is JORDAN? People, think of these things when you name them kids.) is looking guuuurd still. I'm picking up everything he's throwing down.

Who was your favorite NKOTB? If you say Danny, you're a damn liar.



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Creepy Ass Beauty: I Like to Live Vicariously Through Dolls.

I was kind of a spoiled kid. I had not one, but all three (that was all that was available at the time) of the American Girl dolls -- Kirsten, Molly, and Samantha. My favorite was Samantha, by far. She was a hoity toity b, and came with a freakin' velvet clutch and a fancy ass, albeit somewhat ill-fitting, hat. How can you hate on that ish?

If you guys are feeling a little bit fuzzy on what Samatha looked like, here she is:

Oh, you fancy, huh?

That girl looks guuuurd, right? With ol' Sam (That was her nickname, it was in the story, you guys!) being my favorite toy of my privileged-ass childhood, what's better than finding beauty products that totally make me think of my OG homegirl?

Burberry Brit Eau de Parfum, $72

My first Samantha pick is Burberry Brit perfume. I mean, seriously?!? Boo Boo's dress could have totally been a Burberry print. Plus, she's a fancy b, and Burberry is totally for fancy people.

Smashbox Master Class 11 Meet the Masters Palette, $59

Next up is this badass limited edition palette from Smashbox. Samantha was a painter (you could buy that mess for extra), so this palette would totally speak to her artistic sensibilities. I need this bad boy in my life. Look at all the fun ish you get in this beast!

Amika 4 Piece Interchangeable Barrel Curler Set, $175

Speaking of stuff I want, how freaking cool is this barrel curler set? You can switch out the barrel of the wand to achieve different tightness of curls, ranging from curly Sue to mermaid. Okay, I made that part up, but you get what I'm throwing down here. This is perfect for Samantha, because homeslice had really good hair. It had the perfect amount of wave, and was super shiny. Not like my girl, Kristen. Her mop was a hot mess. Sadness.

LAFCO Tree House (Majestic Oak) Candle, $55

I have a weakness for expensive ass soy candles. This one smells like a tree house, apparently. And that is perfect for Samantha, because according to her American Girl Dolls Wiki page (That exists!!!), "She has a rough side such as climbing trees and feels it is very hard to be a young lady." Anything that costs $55 has to smell amaze, right?

Velvet Bow Stretch Headband, $16

Obviously, Samantha has a strong affection for both velvet and bows (Have you SEEN the size of her head bows?), so this cute Esty headband would be perfect for her. It would also be perfect for me, but that's neither here nor there.

Samantha was one of my first style icons, sadly. Well maybe She-Ra, Stawberry Shortcake (That was a good-smelling b.), or Jem were my FIRST first. Who did you love as a kid? Did you have any American Girl dolls?


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Who's the Cooler Cat, (I Truly, Truly Hate Myself) Garfield or Heathcliff?

I think that we can all agree that the 90's were filled with an ish-load of awesomeness. And part of that came down to two orange cats, Garfield and Heathcliff. So the question begs to be asked in a head-to-head Battle Royale. Who was the best: Garfield or Heathcliff???

Battle of the munchies 

Food is the bomb, right? And it seems like cats like nasty ish. It's always like Salmon with a Hint of Liver and Garbage Juice on cat food labels. So let's check out what these cats were chewin' on.

Heathcliff:

Heathcliff eats fish bones and garbage.

 Garfield:

Garfield eats lasagne.

Winner: Duh. Lasagne is delicious. Garfield takes this one.

Homepeeps
Dogs have packs, and cats have...Eff if I know. But both of these cats had friends that they hung out with on the regular. Who's got the better cat gang?

Heathcliff:

Look at these hot b's. That's some fashion-forward ish.

Heathcliff even had a lady friend. With TWO pink bows. Fancy!

Garfield:

Garfield has Odie and Jon. Snooze.

Winner: Heathcliff takes this one. Those junkyard cats were fly as ish. Floppy hats? Leg warmers? Skinny ties and sweatbands? B, please. Garfield's Jon can't even hang with that mess. He looks like a cartoon version of Cousin Larry. Not hot.

Hello?!? Try to tear your eyes away from Balki's mullet. I dare you.

Theme Song
Music is an important factor in coolness. If your theme song is super lame, you can't be a true boss b. Who had the cooler theme song?

Heathcliff:

This song is still fire. If I wasn't too lazy to have a ringtone on my cell phone, I would totally use this.

Garfield:

 I don't even remember this ish, I can't lie.

Winner: Heathcliff's song will rock your damn face off.

Street Cred
When you're a cat, you kind of have to be a badass. No one respects a cuddly cat. Who's got the most street cred?

Heathcliff:

Heathcliff was always doing some hood rat stuff.

Plus, he was in a GANG that lived in a JUNKYARD!

Garfield:

Garfield was kind of a dick, so he gets major points for that.

And apparently, he's girlfriends with Lil' Wayne.

Winner: Tie. Garfield's sh*tty attitude lives on in annoying t shirts to this day, but living in a garbage heap trumps living in a creepy, middle aged, single dude's house.

Overall Winner
I'm sorry, Garfield fans. I've got to give the overall cat awesomeness prize to Heathcliff. He's a badass b (Trina style) and everything about that show screams high fashion. Agree or disagree? Bash me (or raise the roof with me) in the comments.

 

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