Hello Darkness, My Old Friend: My Favorite Daaaark Makeup

Let me be clear (Obama voice) -- I like dark shit. On the inside, my darkness level hovers around Wednesday Adams and Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice arena. I'm not on, like, a Richard Ramirez/John Wayne Gacy tip; clowns are horrifying (and so is serial murder, I guess), but I'm not a lollipops and sunshine-y person so much. As if you couldn't tell by my ability to rattle off serial killer names.

My love of darkness also extends to my beauty obsessions. Don't get me wrong, I love a bright lipstick and nail polish, but I'm just DRAWN TO ROLLING THE DEEEEEEP. (Side note: I miss you, Adele. Where's that new album, homie?)

This post is all about the darkest of the darkness, and here I am wearing brown eyeliner in this picture, like a bitch. But look at those lips -- it doesn't get much darker. Let's investigate.

Lips That Are Straight-Up DARKSIDED!

Dark lipstick makes you look like someone that's not to be effed with. If you want to look like you want to be effed with, you can skip ahead.

I have a couple of deep wine/berry/Pinot Noir/I'm running out of descriptives lipsticks that I like to mess with. For matte lips, I'm all about ColourPop Lippie Stix in Dalia, and for something a little more glossy, I'm into Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame. (I'm wearing them layered in the photo above.)

The thing I love the most about deep lipsticks like these are how universally badass they are, regardless of skin tone. They look vampirically cool on the fair-skinned, and look GORGEOUS on deeper skin tones.

Dark-n-Fringy Lashes For DAYS

I'm not sure that fringy is a word. If it's not, I want it to be.

You probably already know how much I love this shit. Maybelline Lash Sensational in Blackest Black (OF COURSE) is inky as hell, and brings out the deepest, darkest lashes. It's my favorite drugstore mascara, EVER.

It feels good to know I could totally be a graphic designer if I wanted to be. The raw talent is clearly there.

The Darker The Liner, The Darker The Heart

I'm not sure I could exist as a human-ish being without black eyeliner. It's the glue that holds my soul together. It's my Chicken Soup for the No Soul.

My black eyeliner requirements are: black as eff (OF COURSE) and stays on until I die a timely death. My current ride-or-dies are tarte Tarteist Clay Paint Liner and Kat Von D Tattoo Liner in Ink Black. Urban Decay's 24/7 Pencil in Perversion is another solid, crazy-dark option. They are all v, v black and stay on as well as can realistically be expected in today's world.

My only complaint about all these mofos are they aren't waterproof on the inner eyelid waterline, which is straight bullshit. But, UD is giving the people (AKA me) what they want, because they're coming out with this pencil MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR WATERPROOF WATERLINE LINAGE for holiday. Finally. My life is really coming together.

Not-Quite-Black Shadows Are The New Black

There are plenty of great matte, black shadows on this crowded-ass planet. Open any decent eyeshadow palette, and you'll get slapped in the eyeballs with an acceptable one.

So instead of focusing on those, I'm sharing my favorite glittery and almost black shadows. Nars Eye Shadow in Night Porter is a green-black beauty. If a pine tree in a majestic forest mated with a velvety black cat, it would be weird as hell, and also this shadow. But shimmery and shit.

MAC Eye Shadow in Beauty Marked is a super-deep eggplant. I would rather eat a deep-fried eggplant parm sub, but this is lovely, too.

Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can't See (Because It's Dark. Get It?)

This isn't the first time I've spouted off my big mouth about my love for dark polish, so I won't stay on this too long and bore you more than my regular levels of boring you. I just came here to say that I have also added this RGB Nail Color in Oxblood to my list of bad bitches.

That concludes my primer on darkness. So, good day, et al.

Pin It

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Your New Workout Jam

WARNING: I'm pretty sure one of these dudes says the f-word a couple of times, but who can really tell in this life. Just maybe don't play this in the ball pit at McDonald's. Or maybe do. I don't really care.

The name of this song is "GYM" in Papyrus font, for starters. And, actually, this whole song and video are like the Papyrus font personified, so it's really quite fitting. If there is something for adults akin to a Girl Scout badge, I really think that I deserve one for making it through the song.

I really have a lot of questions here.

Do you believe this guy's guns are as hard as lead by using his home gym thingy next to the radiator? Did he say "pumping it till it aches?" Did he also say "I GO GYM ON THE REGS?" Around the 1:00 mark, is there another song playing? Do you like to stay "busting weights with your mates?" Don't answer that, because it's obviously a yes. What's a "pro-in" shake? Why is the glass shaped like that? Are all glasses in Europe shaped in such a way? Was he really running that fast? It seemed more speed walk-y to me, but maybe I'm a bad judge of speed. Where did that third guy come from? What's on that piece of copy paper taped to the wall with packing tape? Did the surprise dude say his muscles are "kind of coned?"

At this point in the video, I started to travel to an alternate universe where this video didn't even exist, and shitty workout equipment had never been invented, so I don't really know what happened after that.

I'm never playing another YouTube video again.

Pin It

Pop Culture Beauty School: The 15 Beauty Lessons We Learned From Sex And The City

Like many pop culture gems worth their salt, Sex and the City had some freaking fantastic beauty moments. Like Carrie's hair. And Carrie's hair. And when Samantha shaved her head after chemo treatments, and that hot bia Smith followed suit. That was a real sacrifice; dude had some magical-ass hair. 

But even beyond that, SATC gave us actual teachable beauty lessons -- times you could say, "Shit, I FEEL that." Here are my favorite 15.

1. It may take a minute to find a good look for yourself. 

(Season 1, Episode 1)

 

Hopefully, you've already gleaned this nugget of beauty information from me, but if you haven't, I think this photo collage alone allows me to rest my case, Your Honor. Your pilot look usually sucks, even in life.

2. Don't stay up doing shady shit all night when you're shooting a cover story for NEW YORK EFFING MAGAZINE the next day. (Season 2, Episode 4)

In this case, Carrie should have used her own GD advice and taken a Nap(a). And maybe time-traveled to 2015 and used a really hydrating sheet mask? Yes, that's a question mark.

3. Instead of having "the talk" with your (maybe) boyfriend, just leave your tampons and a brush there. (Season 2, Episode 11)

Talking sucks; let your girly shit do the speaking.

4. Hair plugs are scary. (Season 2, Episode 11)

Have these things improved with time? Help me, Bosley Medical.

5. Let your boob flag fly, you total Char. 

(Season 3, Episode 3)

Charlotte was super uptight about showing her bawdy, but once she was actually naked, everyone was like, "Uhh...nice rack." So, quit being all uncool. Okay?

6. Getting your hootenanny waxed is probably horrible. 

(Season 3, Episode 14)

 I, admittedly, have never done this. I attempted to begin an at-home wax once, and it was the worst and I got a shitty rash. HARD PASS on the real thing.

7. Braces are a real bitch. (Season 3, Episode 15)

It doesn't matter if you're 14 or 40, having metal in your mouth is not NEARLY as fun as flattening a paperclip and pretending it's a retainer. Futuristic mouth transplants, where you at?

8. Keep some flip flops, or some type of shit, in your bag. 

(Season 3, Episode 17)

Carrie was foot-mugged on the dirty-ass streets of New York, and we couldn't help but wonder: would you rather a), keep some simple type of footwear in your bag for emergencies; or b), have Britney-barefoot-in-a-Starbucks feet? Choose your own adventure.

9. Heidi Klum ain't all that. (Season 4, Episode 2)

JK, JK; she totally is. And, also, if Dolce & Gabbana tell you to put on bedazzled underwear and get to stepping, you do it?

Then you fall on your a-hole. And it's fine.

10. Fake nips are an actual thing. (Season 4, Episode 6)

I have nothing else to say about this. I just wanted you to know that they exist.

11. Dudes really like deodorant. (Season 4, Episode 13)

Carrie found hoarder-levels of antiperspirant in Aidan's man stuff, and I have found similar things around my own house. This makes me ask -- Dudes, why you so obsessed with deodorant?

12. Sarcasm Report: If you want to look whorey, get some volume in your hair and define your eyebrows. 

(Season 5, Episode 3)

Charlotte went to Atlantic City with the other girls of SATC, and decided to slip into a shiny freakum dress and v, v solid hair and makeup. She was trying to look slutty, and I LIKED IT A LOT. Buy some eyeliner, Charlotte York. It's not just for sluts anymore! (Can that please be a tagline for a cosmetics ad?)

13. Face peels will peel your face. (Season 5, Episode 5)

Samantha got a peel, and looked a hot and bloody mess, as one is wont-ish to look. It is my one great hope that they put raspberry jelly all over Kim Cattrall's face to film these scenes, like they do with pretend newborns in movies, who are actually like 28 months old.

14. If you have a cystic zit, LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE.

 (Season 5, Episode 7)

Carrie had a big-ass zit. On a dirty-ass train. If you find yourself in that exact situation, just leave it alone and slap a sulfur-y mud mask on your face. Not all zits are meant to be popped. (I know, I know. Don't pop anything. Boring.)

15. Don't dye your pubes with hair dye. Please. 

(Season 6A, Episode 12)

Samantha found a gray pube and decided to try to get the carpet to match the drapes, but ended up with clown wig shrubs. If you REALLY want to dye your bathing suit area, that's cool. Just use that actual dye for that actual area. Or maybe wear a merkin! People don't wear merkins enough these days.

What was your biggest beauty learnin' from Sex and the City? And are you currently wearing a merkin? Plz respond.

Pin It

Your New Ringtone: "Bubblegum," The Weekend Jam Of Your Dreams

Are you v, v into bubblegum? That's a promising start. What's your particular poison? Straw-bury? Cola? Or are you not super picky, and are just more concerned with "poping" bubbles on the street?

Regardless of your preferences, this 2010-Bieber-haired youngster has you covered.

Maybe I'm just an old, but I don't really understand what this song it all about. "Don't eat me, or I might get stuck," this young boy croons, with legs akimbo and stationary arms. So he is the metaphorical bubblegum? Okay. Is this all a weird metaphor? What is life?

Then we have this sweet little barrette-d child (Roseanne, I presume?), who is all:

"I crave the gum, it makes me feel alive." Uh, what? Is this a Hunter S. Thompson book or a kids' music video? She then holds up a finger gun. This shit is getting dark.

Kids today, I don't understand you.

I need a Saltine, a Werther's, and a nap.




via reddit

  Pin It

Lazy Blogging: The 17 Craziest Makeovers From America's Next Top Model

Let me be clear: I FRIGGING LOVE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. It is one of the few reality shows that is completely unashamed to heap piles and piles of cheese all up on your face without any apology. It's twenty-second season premiered last, leaving my heart all aflutter.

Unfortunately, I will have to wait a few weeks for my very favorite part of ANTM to happen -- the makeovers. I live for that mess. And you can bet there will be at least one look that is straight kooky madness with highlights and weave on top, as per usual.

To prepare our collective hearts, I wrote a slideshow over at Allure to commemorate the most bizarre makeovers Tyra has ever bestowed upon her reality models. If you're into this, go check out "The 17 Craziest Makeovers From America's Next Top Model" here.

 P.S. I want to be Miss J like whoa. Please wish upon a star on my behalf.

World's best everything.



Pin It

(Hot) GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Alexander Skarsgård In Drag

Who's that hot blonde? Alexander Skarsgård serving up Drag Race realness. He redefines the phrase "golden girl!" pic.twitter.com/hko3nwGcU4

— James Patrick Herman (@TheGlamourGuy) August 4, 2015

If you've ever lain awake nights thinking, "I wonder if that sexy-ass Alexander Skarsgård would make a gorgeous, 6'4" lady?" here's your answer: It's a clear and resounding, "YES, BITCH." Now you can sit back, relax, pour yourself a tall, frosted glass of Goldschlager and swallow that mofo whole. (I'm not sure that entire euphemism worked even a little, but you get it. At least kind of.)

Alexander kept it grown and sexy last night at the premiere of his lastest movie, The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which took place at the Castro Theater in San Francisco, and included a pre-movie drag show. If I have learned anything today, it's that I am not living my best life. I'm living, like, my seventh best life.

Alexander Skarsgård looking fabulous at the premiere of 'The Diary of a Teenage Girl' this week. pic.twitter.com/qulJ0HSRgz

— The Film Stage (@TheFilmStage) August 4, 2015

And if you think that just because such a giant man chose such an disproportionately tiny clutch to carry, or that because he looks 573% more eleganza in a floor-length, sequined dress than I ever could, would dull my attraction to this beautiful, Swedish meatless meatball, YOU ARE DEAD MF-ING WRONG. (Also, if you think that last sentence was the most awkwardly-worded thing you've ever read, you are dead right. Welcome.)

I will firmly keep AS(s) in the "will do" column, semi-sad wig ends be damned.

Pin It

Random-Ass Beauty Obsession: Drew Barrymore In Bad Girls

Sometimes a beauty look just sticks in your brain craw and doesn't dislodge, no matter how much time passes, or how much that beauty look is based upon a revenge-seeking prostitute (actually, bonus points for that!). Especially if it graces your awkwardly pubescent eyeballs just as you've turned the horrible age of 13. For me, that iconic beauty moment comes via Drew Barrymore in Bad Girls.

You've probably never even seen this movie, as it's regarded as pretty much a heaping cinematic garbage bag, but I really can't be trusted to judge it clearly. This movie has all the markings of something that I love. It starred a ton of badass bitches like Andie McDowell (!), Madeline Stowe (!!) and Mary Stuart Masterson (!!! until infinity):

THE BEST NOT-OPENLY LESBIAN LOVE STORY EVER TOLD

It's set in a romanticized version of ye olde west, which I love:

And it was released in 1994, when I looked like this:

Needless to say, I needed some sexy and solid beauty inspo at the time, and Drew provided all that and a bag of chips -- because it was the '90s, man. If you're in middle school and looking for a beauty hero, this really speaks to you in your most I-just-got-my-first-period of times.

Take that, Language Arts Where the Red Fern Grows diorama project, I'm busy trying to figure out how I can bleach my hair, when I'm not even allowed to ride my bike to the neighborhood 7-11!

And if that's not enough to draw you in, there were also bedazzled chokers!

And suspenders and eyelet undergarments as shirts and platinum curls with tendrils!

And more hats than a girl in 1994 could dream!

And don't even get me started on the touch-of-brown-but-mostly-nude matte lip.

Just looking at these pictures again fills me with a burning desire to be an underage saloon prostitute who's not afraid to shoot a dude. LILLY LARONETTE 4EVA.

Who's your unconventional beauty icon? Don't even cheat and say Rose from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. That's so obvious.







Pin It