GUUUUUURL(s) Of The Day: Brendan Fraser And Martha Stewart Went Horseback Riding

Brendan Fraser came riding with me and muffin and betsy on sat . his horse freckles is the same horse he rides in Texas rising his new program on history channel

A photo posted by Martha Stewart (@marthastewart48) on Jun 28, 2015 at 4:22pm PDT

In "Okay." news of the day, Martha Stewart shared with our pleb-y eyes that she and throwback dream dude Brendan Fraser went horseback riding together on horses with hair that's way more fancy than ours. Sounds...fun? Let's see what Brendan's horse thinks about this hodgepodge hangout.

I'm reading this as: luxurious and hating it.

We also gleaned from Martha's weirdly punctuated post that BF has a new show on the History Channel called "Texas rising," but probably "Texas Rising." Because I'm a professional (DON'T), I researched this show, and here is what B-boy's character looks like.

Brendan Fraser better get nominated for an Oscar. #TexasRising pic.twitter.com/c11tARay8t

— Andrew Laureno (@LaurenoClassic) May 26, 2015

Uhhhh...What?

GUUUUUURL.


story via buzzfeed



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My New Favorites

Here's a little compilation of everything I'm into right now. It's all over the spectrum, so hang onto your bonnet, Laura Ingalls Wilder.

P.S. Do I use LIW references too much? If yes, please pen me a letter on the first page of your copy of Little House on the Prairie.

If no, watch this gif one billion times.




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The Shade Of It All: The Kat Von D Shade + Light Eye Contour Palette

I have a confession -- I'm a sucka-ass sucka for a matte eyeshadow palette. Call me a basic bitch if you wish, but it's just my comfort zone. It's like sweatpants for my eyelids.

So, when the Kat Von D Shade + Light Eye Contour Palette came out a while ago, my brain got all tingly over that shit. It was like finding a pair of sweatpants that cup your butt cheeks just so. I wanted it. I needed it. I was a little too poor to buy it. But then I said eff this life and caved like woah. I'm more irresponsible with money than Lilo. ALLEGEDLY.

Side note: I've been watching an ungodly amount of RuPaul's Drag Race over the past week, so prepare your eyeballs for an onslaught of draggy gifs. Christmas (or Hanukkah or Shannen Doherty's birthday) came early this year.

This palette consists of twelve matte shadows. There are three bigguns on top, which are meant to be base colors. I only use the far left one as a base, because as you can see on the swatches, it's basically my skin. The others I use for blending, but do whatever works for you. I don't know your skin tone, honey.

The shadows are broken up into sections of neutrals (left), cools (center), and warms (right). It also comes with a little guide book deal, telling you how to achieve the look you want to work. I ignored it, because ain't nobody going to tell me nothing. I just want to slap some shit on my eyeballs.

I did some really quick and dirty looks using each section of shadows, starting with the warms.

These shadows are probably my favorite, because I'm just a warm person. (don't get sassy) The shadows are so pigmented and smooth that they're almost creamy (sorry).

I threw these shadows on the day that I bought the palette, and I hadn't even washed my face, so don't look for perfection here. I think you know better than that anyway.

The next day I played around with the cools.

Cool tones are kind of my least favorite in general, just because I prefer warm stuffs, but I actually ended up really liking these. That dark gray is really nice, because it has kind of a brown-y base instead of a blue. I'm pretty, pretty into it.

For the neutrals, I just added to the existing cool eye, so it's a little bit of a hot mess, but you can get the smokey gist of it. Excuse my damn beauty.

My least favorite shadow of the whole palette ended up being the dark neutral brown, just because it kind of had an assload of fallout. Not enough to keep me from using it ever, just something to keep in mind.

Bottom line, because I know you just said "eff it" and looked at the gifs, I really love this palette, just like every other KVD thing I've ever owned. Just add it to the pile, baby. Speaking of piles of product, I have to go wash all this schmutz off my face. I need to triple wash, like a bag of baby spinach.

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Stop The Charade (To Be Pronounced "Shah-Rhad"): You Will Be Watching Lifetime's "A Deadly Adoption"

Screw the sports whatevers of the world: start planning your MF-ing important watch parties now. Winter might already be here (RIP, RIP), but A DEADLY ADOPTION IS COMING.

If you're still pretending like you will not be partaking in this Will Ferrell/Kristen Wiig spoof-y Lifetime movie, you just quit your stunt queen maneuvers. You will be watching this.

The trailer assures us that all of the typical Lifetime movie bullshit (and by bullshit I mean magical) elements will be present: heaving pregnant bosoms, rich people, ripped martial photographs, annoying curly-haired children, boat-necked flowy tees, crazy women in nude wedges, white trash but hot boyfriends, and peering through door cracks. If you need more than that to entertain you, you must be Queen Elizabeth. If so, good day, ma'am.

This atrocious bit of genius premieres June 20 at 8pm on Lifetime, SO SET YOUR DAMN DVR, FOOL.






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Tipsy Tutorials: The World's Worst Smokey Eye

Well, some people asked for a new Tipsy Tutorial video, and boy did you ever get one. Enjoy my steep, steep decline. And if you've ever wondered what kind of drunk I am, apparently the answer is sad. Very, very sad.

Please just watch this glamorous person instead. I need a piece of burger.













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Caitlyn Jenner Is More Beautiful Than All Of Us

So proud of @Caitlyn_Jenner. #callmecaitlyn pic.twitter.com/V7hnqGtHR7

— The Advocate (@TheAdvocateMag) June 1, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner graced us with her glam gorgeousness for the first time today, and despite her looking roughly 209834098238 times prettier than me, I am thrilled. (I'm also pretty, pretty pleased that she looks so similar to the queen that is Jessica Lange.) Waiting 65 years to actually be on the outside the person you've always felt like on the inside is way too long, especially when she's as lovely and glamorous as this beautiful being.

Ugh, yes. So in love w #CallMeCaitlyn. She's killing it. Follow your heart, do what makes you happy💖 @Caitlyn_Jenner pic.twitter.com/MIyeWVrGC8

— Vanecia (@vaneciaruiz) June 1, 2015

I am of the opinion that I hope that one day this won't have to be big news, and that people can just be themselves from the time they traipse out of the damn womb. But for the time being, I'm so glad that this is such big news.

If an oldie-type that has never known a trans person, but loved the Bruce Jenner that was a badass Olympian, can crack their mind open a little more to accept and understand people that are different from themselves because of Caitlyn's public journey, I am 'bout it, 'bout it, regardless of her relation to a gaggle of Kardashians. And you can't deny the power of those sexy gams. That shit is a universal love language.

Happy Birthday, Caitlyn. You are even more gorgeous than I could have imagined.




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Who Would You Do: A Ranking Of Horror Movie Killers

I love horror movies. Even shitty ones. I also love to rank dudes. And as long as my brain and heart are keeping it 100, I really enjoy doing this because women are constantly being ranked like a mofo, and that is mildly-to-moderately annoying. So why not combine these two seemingly unrelated pastimes into a giant, awkward hodgepodge, by playing a game of who would you do, starring horror movie killers? Let's discuss who slayed our hearts (and other parts) and who killed us a little too softly.

#11 -- Pennywise the Clown

I mean, are you effing kidding me? If you find Pennywise attractive in any way, please escort yourself to the nearest exit. Those '90s-Pamela-Anderson-Lee eyebrows alone are enough to induce vivid-ass nightmares.

Verdict: I would rather stab my eyeballs out with one of those teeths than get on that.

#10 -- Chucky 

There's a murderer's soul trapped in a ginger doll's body, which makes for a pretty horrifying situation in the ol' sex department. And look how he's attacking that adorable, miniature King Jaffe. That bitch is just all shades of wrong, man.

Verdict: The only box that little guy is getting in is the one from the toy manufacturer.

#9 -- Freddy Krueger

Homie might not have the best looking mug on the block, but he can put together a decent outfit and even accessorizes pretty well. But his checkered past and sharp finger areas make him decidedly less sexually attractive.

Verdict: Hard pass on those knife phalanges. NOPE.

#8 -- Michael Myers 

MM has terrible hair, and we've only seen a flash of that precious murder face, but there's just something about this pasty-faced slow walker. Ladies love a man in a (janitorial) uniform?

Verdict: Solid maybe for that ill-fitting mask and those bedroom eye holes.

#7 -- Pinhead

Okay, so this dude's the biggest sadist in all of the universes, and his mouth is a real crime scene. But his makeup is kind of amazing, and his face is like a necklace hoarder's wet dream of a DIY Pinterest (heh) project.

Verdict: Ellie Goulding told me anything could happen, so who the hell knows.

#6 -- Jason Voorhees

I'm pretty, pretty sure under that mask lies a blazing hot mess, but I'm still intrigued by the mystery of it all. Someone call Dr. Tobias Fünke, I think I read too many R.L. Stine books in the '90s.

Verdict: Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

#5 -- Hannibal Lecter 

What's not to like about a smart, well-read doctor that loves to cook? And he's such a helper! (Note: The TV version of Dr. Lecter is seriously hot AF, no doubt.)

Verdict: Yes, but only eat at restaurants that you choose.

#4 -- Candyman

This guy used to scare the shit out of me, but in 1992 everyone was afraid of those freaky-bitches-that-popped-up-in-the-mirror-after-saying-their-name-multiple-times types. I see you, Bloody Mary. Upon further reflection (ZING!), CM is pretty hot (that jawline!) and is a boss at pulling off that sexy-whisper voice.

Verdict: Buzz on over to my (lady) flower.

#3 -- Buffalo Bill 

Bill is hot, and he knows it. He's so confident in his tuck! He looks phenomenal in a kimono! And even he would eff himself. Hard. You can't question that.

Verdict: He loves lotion AND dogs! It's a yes.

#2 -- Norman Bates 

Norm has mommy issues like woah and is a total creepy-ass weirdo, but they power of those bangs cannot be denied. MOM BONES + ME 4EVA.

Verdict: Reservation for two at the Bates Motel for this girl.

#1 -- The Scream Boys

Is it inappropriate that two "teenaged" boys are number one for me? Please, I talked about sexing a child's doll -- nothing is off limits. Billy Loomis is the sexiest low-rent Johnny Depp that ever perused the hair gel section of CVS.

Verdict: I will not make the obvious scream joke here. I WILL NOT.

Who would you do? Can this be a new ABC show?

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