Saturday, November 22, 2014

I Hope We All Get To Rub This Pig's Belly This Weekend



I need to rub this tiny pig's belly, like, more than anything.

Britney Spears' "Gimme More" must have been written about baby piglet tummy scratch videos, because that's the only thing that makes sense in this world. Gimme, gimme more piggy vids.

If you have ever in your life seen anything cuter, please share in the comments.




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Friday, November 21, 2014

10 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not A Dude

Let's be real, dudes have it easier in a multitude of ways. I'm not going to list them now, we're all painfully aware of that shit. But with Thanksgiving coming up, and everyone flooding your social media with "OMGZZZZ I'M SO THANKFUL FOR FLOWERS #WHATIMTHANKFULFOR2014," I thought I would turn the tables with my thoughts on why I'm so glad I'm NOT a dude.

#1 -- Pretty much zero clothing options. "Hmmm. Should I wear this boring-ass shirt and these semi-blah pants or THIS boring-ass shirt with THESE semi-blah pants? Decisions, decisions." And shoe options are, like, boat shoes or something else that's almost as bad as a boat shoe.


Unless you're Lenny Kravtiz. Then you do whatever the hell you want.

#2 -- Being expected to do socially constructed "mantivities." This definitely goes both ways when it comes to gender (OBVS -- why am I supposed to be the cooker/cleaner/caretaker/whatever? Dumb.), but guys are traditionally expected to do the grossest tasks like killing bugs or other varmints and taking out the leaky, garbage juice-soaked trash. Plus, it's assumed that you watch sports things. NOPE.

#3 -- Your ween telling you to do shit like this.



Dudes be lookin' gross like woah.

#4 -- And really, just having a wang at all.



Doesn't it just get in the way all the time? It sounds annoying. Vaginas 4 LYFE.

#5 -- Dude brain logic.

A photo posted by Tinder Nightmares (@tindernightmares) on

This guy's brain told him that this was totally cool to say. How is this real life? STOP THE INSANITY.

#6 -- Basic haircuts (typically). Most dudes have one of three or so haircuts. And if you branch out, the results can be dreadful.

#7 -- Balls.

#8 -- Beards. JK, beards are dope and I wish I had one. I almost want to get a beard weave, like this guy.


JK times two. That beard weave is ridiculous. Mine would be made from unicorn manes and have beads or other accoutrements.

#9 -- Being a stanky ass b. Guys smell worse. I'm sorry, it's science.

via holymaurymotherofgod

Dammit, Danjuma! I'm getting real tired of your bullshit.

#10 -- People judge your ass for beautifying stuff. Okay, this is a tough one. Women are EXPECTED to do crap to enhance our looks, but if a dude gets a manicure, or a spray tan, or wears any kind of makeup, people get weird about it. Who cares? Let people do whatever the eff they want to themselves. Or don't do what they want to themselves. Both ways. Ladies that don't want to shave their bodies and guys that wear lip gloss? Get over it, world. It's not your life.

What did I leave out? What makes you thankful to be lady-folk? It's Thanksgiving times!



videos via reddit cringe

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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

TINY HAMSTER THANKSGIVING IS HERE, AND IT IS THE SH*T



It's almost T-gives, which is pretty exciting in itself, because you get to eat your friggin' face off without mofos judging your every bite. I'LL HAVE A SLICE OF ALL THE PIES, THANK YOU, AND YOU CAN SAY NOTHING.


Sorry, mom.

But what's even better than bottomless crescent rolls? Tiny animals eating GD thimblefuls of cranberry sauce, that's what. Not to mention tiny lattice-topped pies and the wee-est turkey that's ever that's ever wee-ed.

This is the world's cutest Fauxsgiving, ever. So don't even try to top it, Jennifer Lawrence. Or Chris Pratt. Unless Pratt is topless. Maybe give it a go and see what happens.



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Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Best Beauty Products I've Never Talked About

I can be a dick. (No comments from the peanut gallery.) Sometimes I try some good good, get hooked, then forget to tell you about it. AND THAT'S MY ONE JOB. Okay, it's like one of three to four jobs that I have, but it's way friggin' up there.

So today is all about rectifying my crappiness and talking about all the stuff I've been way into lately. You have my apologies, m'lady (or m'dude where applicable).

Living Proof Prime Style Extender

living proof prime style extender (sephora, $20)

This stuff is kind of the tits. My friend Shauna (whaddup!) got a sample of this from Sephora and promptly told me that I needed it. So, of course, I ordered it that night. I have issues, one of which is buying whatever people tell me I need. I know my people won't steer me wrong.

You can use this stuff solo, or you can use it with all of your other hair babies. I use it with something I'll tell you about in a minute, and also whatever I'm vibing on at any moment. It gives your hair volume and keeps it soft, but also holds the style of whatever the hell you do to your hair without any kind of crunchy hair situation. It's supposed to also keep your hair from getting dirty on those second/third/I don't know your life days, and it does, but very minimally for me. I'm a dirty oil rig, you know this.

Kat Von D Tattoo Liner

kat von d tattoo liner in trooper (sephora, $18)

I know that I've been touting the praises of the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er liner for the past year or so (AND I LOVE THAT FORMULA), but I kept fraying the end of that liner, because it's a felt-tip, and it was pissing me off. It's not the Marc'er, it's me. I go hard.

So I picked up this Kat Von D Tattoo Liner because it has a teeny tiny brush THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN REALLY EFF UP. To show you how precise the brush is, I wrote "bloop" on my arm. It was the first thing that came to my mind grapes. Thanks, Nene Leakes.


Like the Magic Marc'er, this stuff staaaaaays and slays. If I wasn't a gross person, I would still be doing Marc (zing!), and still love it if I don't need to be precise. They're both dope. Don't make me choose and shit.

Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment

macadamia healing oil treatment in travel size (ulta, $6.50)

I happened upon this Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment on accident. When I was in LA last month, I forgot to pack any kind of hair oil, and I can't live without some kind of somethin' somethin' on these sad strands. So I stopped at the closest CVS to my hotel, and found this wee little bottle of magic. This bottle is TINY. I put it next to a banana for scale.

To my surprise, I LOVE THIS SHIT. (It really shouldn't be a shock, I love Macadamia products.) It's super-moisturizing, so it's a slice of perfection pie if you have dry-ass hair ends and put off haircuts for a million months at a time. (No? That's just me?) If I could fill a baby pool with this stuff and float in it, I would. I guess in this scenario I'm the size of a baby? Whatever.

Speaking of babies...

Maybelline Baby Lips Dr. Rescue

maybelline baby lips dr. rescue

I'm one of those a-holes that think having something on your lips is an addiction, and this is my latest crack-y item.

My lips have been really dry lately, so when I saw a double pack of these menthol-y puppies in CVS the other day I snatched them up toute suite. They're like the OG Maybelline Baby Lips products (which are great on their own), but tingly. In a good way. I'm into the tingly-burning. TINGLES 4 LYFE.


Okay, you're all caught up on my recent secret beauty product homies. Have you tried anything lately that you can't get enough of? Tell me all of your ride-or-dies. I can never have too many.



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Monday, November 17, 2014

Sorry Beyoncé (And Tina And The Dad), Solange Is The Best Knowles



I'mma let you finish Beyoncé (no, I'm not), but Solange is the best Knowles of all time. I know that you may want to fight me on this. Or maybe you don't care. Or maybe you only know SK from that elevator shit. BUT SHE IS THE BEST.

If you don't believe me, check out this video of Solange performing a choreographed dance with her adorable son Julez at her wedding this weekend. Don't act like you aren't putting that dress on your Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus list this year.

And if that dress isn't bomb enough for you, SHE WORE MULTIPLE CAPES for her wedding festivities. Not to mention her double golden cuffs and hair perfection. Finding Yoncé in those pictures is almost like trying to find a hidden whatever in a Highlights magazine. All eyes on Solange.


Oh, and this:



I rest my case, your honor.



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Saturday, November 15, 2014

The Butt-Themed Weekend Anthem You've Been Waiting On



I have to be honest -- I have no idea what is happening in this video. I only know that the topic is ass (again) and that I shouldn't change the subject. And that homegirl has an aversion to looking at the camera unless she's wearing semi-transitional lenses.

I do need to know where one picks up an application to be the President of Ass, because I think that I'm probably qualified. Also, those dance moves are fresh to death. It's like a choo choo train impression. I'm way into it.


When you're in the club tonight, make sure you request "The Topic is Ass" to the resident DJ. I'm pretty sure that they love that shit.

P.S. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that I kind of love this song. It's catchy as mother f.

P.P.S. If you need a palate cleanser after all of that, here's an hour of Lil' Bub kicking off the holidays for your ass (which is the topic).




ass song via reddit

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Friday, November 14, 2014

What In The MF-ING HELL Is Going On With Robert Pattinson's Hair


What is life anymore, really? After my eyeballs gazed upon these photos of the once at least semi-attractive diamond-encrusted vampire, I'm not really sure.


This might be the actual worst haircut I've ever seen on a dude. It looks like the world's most awful bowl cut with an additional stick-on merkin that you would get from a gumball machine at a porn store.

 My eyeballs need a long soak in the bath. With bath salts. Maybe even BATH SALTS bath salts.


Thanks to my homie Kelly for the tip on this mess.


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