It's a NYX-plosion, B's!

I have never, ever, until recently, tried NYX Cosmetics. I know, I know -- I'm a horrible beauty person. I remedied this situation by asking the peeps at NYX to send me a palette to try, and because they are awesome, they did. They sent me a couple of palettes, but I find myself using one in particular EVERY SINGLE DAY. You know when you have one of those eyeshadow deals. You try to stop using the same sh*t constantly, but somehow your shadow brush keeps gravitating toward that b on the reg. Well, that's me and this bad boy, the NYX Wicked dreams Palette -- proof that being an old, always-in-a-using-the-same-stuff-rut curmudgeon doesn't always have to be a bad thing.

nyx wicked dreams palette, $15

I love that this palette is mostly neutrals, and then has a few jewel-toned shadows tossed in the mix.

Here are just a few of the roughly bajillion looks that you can create with this 24 shadow palette. And the quality of these thang-a-langs ain't too shabby, either, especially considering the low, low price tag of $15. But guess what? My mutha effin' NYX-plotation didn't even stop there. I was looking to buy a matte liquid lipstick from another brand, and while I was reading reviews, I saw that NYX makes a similar product with their Soft Matte Lip Cream. And with a price of $6, it is a fraction of a fraction of the price of the original lip product I was going to buy. So I got my ass in the car and drove nearly 29834982 miles (okay, it was 20 minutes) to the far ass away Ulta that's closest to my house to snatch these mofos up as fast as I could. (Oh, and P to the S, they are currently BOGO at Ulta. So it was a total $9 investment.)

addis ababa (top) and monte carlo (bottom), $6 each

I LOVE THESE THINGS. The Monte Carlo shade is especially magical. It's like roses and unicorns came together to live a tiny, tiny life on your pouty lips. And the formula is different than really anything else I've ever used. It is matte, but not pilly or drying -- if you've ever used a long wear lip product you are totally picking up what I'm throwing down when I say "pilly," right? Yep, thought so.

Okay, enough raving for today. I have to keep up my b face street cred. So what's the moral to this long-ass story??? I'm a total NYX-onette right now.

via buzzfeed

Okay, that was totally unrelated to anything, but I've been dying to use this GIF for over a week. Via la Sugar Bear!

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week's Allure blog is for all you sicklings out there. And I present to you: How to Look Awesome When You Feel Like Total Garbage.

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I Must Say Something Quite Rude. (Shocker, I Know.)

via buzzfeed

I think I want to punch Sean Penn. Here he is with Emma Stone at the premiere for Gangster Squad (which I'm dying to see, by the mutha effin' way), looking ummmm, skeevy. And kind of dick-ish, if I do say so myself. When your skin texture is identical to Hulk Hogan's, it's time to do some deeeeep moisturizing and maybe get a facial, or something. Oh, and thanks for getting all dressed up for YOUR OWN MOVIE PREMIERE. Is that a cold day on the prison yard jacket? Nice.

Any of these outfits would be much preferred. I'm wearing the top of the triangle's today.

P.S. Your facial hair looks live a cartoon Devil's. That is all.


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Beauty Ish I Learned from Watching Seinfeld.

I really love Seinfeld. Even though it's so effing old at this point, I can still watch episode after episode endlessly. And I really feel like it's still relevant today, even though the show was totally and completely in the 90's.

 

Sigh. I'm an old ass b -- I'm completely aware. I've even garnered some beauty tips from watching the show, which is a completely strange occurrence. Here are some of them, gathered up and served hotter than the coffee that scalded Kramer's crotch.

Using unconventional beauty products is okay.
 


I actually use coconut oil as my body lotion every day, so I totally feel Kramer on this one. But, beware baking yourself, as he did later in the episode.

Smoking is bad as eff for your looks.



I know that my ass (face) doesn't want to look like a pruned up mofo. Don't smoke people. It's not cute.

Sometimes you need a little (artificial) beauty help.



Listen, there ain't a THANG wrong with utilizing a little fake hair. George's toupee wasn't looking all that glamorous, but do what you gotta do, guys.

Don't be afraid to work what you've got.



Errrrm, this is pretty self explanatory. WERK. THAT. ISH. Sometimes it just gets the job done.

Water pressure is really important.



Bad water pressure can totally eff up your game, man. Don't drool on me, shower, and expect me to be happy about that sh*t.

Do your asses ever pick up beauty tips from scripted TV shows? Andy Griffith or some sh*t? Share your wisdoms!


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This Is Why I Can Never Have Kids

Have you guys heard about how Farrah from OG Teen Mom (RIP) tried to wax her three year old kid's unibrow? Yes? No? Not familiar? Just go read this blog of hers first so we're all on the same damn page. First off, I would be remiss if I didn't say that homegirl should not be writing things. She's using emoticons within sentences. I'm no effin' MLA style writing handbook, but that sh*t doesn't fly with me. But, here's the part where I have to give b a break. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULDN'T WAX A KID'S EYEBROWS. I mean, I don't think it sounds like a GOOD idea, but it doesn't really seem like a BAD, bad idea. Then again, I know that on the terrible human scale, I am a strong 8.5 out of ten. I am not delusional.

It seems like it's a little Toddlers and Tiaras to literally wax of a toddler's body hair, but it doesn't seem like the worst thing a person could do. I mean, have you seen some unibrows? They can be quite tragic. I've seen a perfectly beautiful man completely leveled to a below average type deal by some effed up eyebrows.

Wearing a fur hat over your fur brows isn't helping, Noel Gallagher.

See what I mean? Tragic. While it's probably best that you wait until a kid is a teenager, or something, to start ripping hairs from their bodies, let's cut this girl some slack. We wouldn't want to make her cry. Will you look at that cry face? Let's avoid that whole thing.

via realitytvgifs

I don't blame you, HBB. This ish is rough.



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Random Homie: Dr. Dennis Gross Clarifying Colloidal Sulfur Mask

Clarifying Colloidal Sulfur Mask, $42

Who doesn't love a good face mask? (No, not like a Halloween deal-y, although those are pretty dope -- yep, I went there -- too. Except for the rubbery smell when you're wearing them. Not dope.) I've tried my fair share of the sulfur-based masks for acne skin, and I'm usually pretty friggin' "meh" over most of them. They can be overly-drying, or give you that red post-mask weird face thing, that kind of makes you look like you're just wearing a reddish mask upon your mug. So, when the Dr. Gross peeps sent me this mask to try, I was a little worried that it would be one of those culprits. But, no suh (that's my southern twang), it wasn't, to my delight. And better yet, my skin looks instantly cleaner and brighter after using this mask. But let's hear from the experts what it does:

A dermatologist formulated mask that clarifies the skin by absorbing excess oil and acne-causing bacteria. The advanced “time absorbent” formula works especially well when worn overnight.

I also tried it overnight, and it wasn't weird at all. But I feel like the ten minute job does everything it needs to just fine. You can also use it to spot treat blemishes, and it totally shrinks them. Even my big ass gross ones. The dispenser took some getting used to -- it's like a flat pump with a little hole thing that you just push down on to get the goodness out. I'm kind of a dumbass, so I was flipping that sh*t all around like an freaking baton to try to get the pump to work. The good thing is, you just need to leave that b upright and push down. Let me do all of the hard work for your ass, mmmmkay?

Check out the mask for yourself here.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lil' Waynes NEWEST Face Tattoo. (The Old Ones are Kind of Grandfathered in, I Guess.)

pic via spin

I mean, I really didn't even think that this needed to be said, but apparently, it does: Tattooing sh*t on your face is not a great idea. Not only did Lil' Wayne (Side note -- how long in life can one be known as "Lil'" whatever? Is there an age cap on that? I feel like if you are a septuagenarian, or something, it's gone on far too long.) get another face tattoo, but this one reads "BAKED" in squares. It's apparently in reference to a skateboard company competitor? Or something? I don't know, you go try to figure that mess out. I'm far, far too old to know what the eff all of this means.

One thing that I do feel pretty, pretty confident about is not getting a tattoo...on your face. Especially when it's a possible advertising ploy. Like, you realize that is your FACE face, right? And you already have a bunch of OTHER tattoos on that b? You only have one forehead, Lil'. Let's not make it a cluttered Penny Saver advertising page. IT'S YOUR FACE, MAN.

via realitytvgifs

You look crazy.



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