TINY HAMSTER THANKSGIVING IS HERE, AND IT IS THE SH*T

It's almost T-gives, which is pretty exciting in itself, because you get to eat your friggin' face off without mofos judging your every bite. I'LL HAVE A SLICE OF ALL THE PIES, THANK YOU, AND YOU CAN SAY NOTHING.

Sorry, mom.

But what's even better than bottomless crescent rolls? Tiny animals eating GD thimblefuls of cranberry sauce, that's what. Not to mention tiny lattice-topped pies and the wee-est turkey that's ever that's ever wee-ed.

This is the world's cutest Fauxsgiving, ever. So don't even try to top it, Jennifer Lawrence. Or Chris Pratt. Unless Pratt is topless. Maybe give it a go and see what happens.



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The Best Beauty Products I've Never Talked About

I can be a dick. (No comments from the peanut gallery.) Sometimes I try some good good, get hooked, then forget to tell you about it. AND THAT'S MY ONE JOB. Okay, it's like one of three to four jobs that I have, but it's way friggin' up there.

So today is all about rectifying my crappiness and talking about all the stuff I've been way into lately. You have my apologies, m'lady (or m'dude where applicable).

Living Proof Prime Style Extender

living proof prime style extender (sephora, $20)

This stuff is kind of the tits. My friend Shauna (whaddup!) got a sample of this from Sephora and promptly told me that I needed it. So, of course, I ordered it that night. I have issues, one of which is buying whatever people tell me I need. I know my people won't steer me wrong.

You can use this stuff solo, or you can use it with all of your other hair babies. I use it with something I'll tell you about in a minute, and also whatever I'm vibing on at any moment. It gives your hair volume and keeps it soft, but also holds the style of whatever the hell you do to your hair without any kind of crunchy hair situation. It's supposed to also keep your hair from getting dirty on those second/third/I don't know your life days, and it does, but very minimally for me. I'm a dirty oil rig, you know this.

Kat Von D Tattoo Liner

kat von d tattoo liner in trooper (sephora, $18)

I know that I've been touting the praises of the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er liner for the past year or so (AND I LOVE THAT FORMULA), but I kept fraying the end of that liner, because it's a felt-tip, and it was pissing me off. It's not the Marc'er, it's me. I go hard.

So I picked up this Kat Von D Tattoo Liner because it has a teeny tiny brush THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN REALLY EFF UP. To show you how precise the brush is, I wrote "bloop" on my arm. It was the first thing that came to my mind grapes. Thanks, Nene Leakes.

Like the Magic Marc'er, this stuff staaaaaays and slays. If I wasn't a gross person, I would still be doing Marc (zing!), and still love it if I don't need to be precise. They're both dope. Don't make me choose and shit.

Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment

macadamia healing oil treatment in travel size (ulta, $6.50)

I happened upon this Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment on accident. When I was in LA last month, I forgot to pack any kind of hair oil, and I can't live without some kind of somethin' somethin' on these sad strands. So I stopped at the closest CVS to my hotel, and found this wee little bottle of magic. This bottle is TINY. I put it next to a banana for scale.

To my surprise, I LOVE THIS SHIT. (It really shouldn't be a shock, I love Macadamia products.) It's super-moisturizing, so it's a slice of perfection pie if you have dry-ass hair ends and put off haircuts for a million months at a time. (No? That's just me?) If I could fill a baby pool with this stuff and float in it, I would. I guess in this scenario I'm the size of a baby? Whatever.

Speaking of babies...

Maybelline Baby Lips Dr. Rescue

maybelline baby lips dr. rescue

I'm one of those a-holes that think having something on your lips is an addiction, and this is my latest crack-y item.

My lips have been really dry lately, so when I saw a double pack of these menthol-y puppies in CVS the other day I snatched them up toute suite. They're like the OG Maybelline Baby Lips products (which are great on their own), but tingly. In a good way. I'm into the tingly-burning. TINGLES 4 LYFE.

Okay, you're all caught up on my recent secret beauty product homies. Have you tried anything lately that you can't get enough of? Tell me all of your ride-or-dies. I can never have too many.

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Sorry Beyoncé (And Tina And The Dad), Solange Is The Best Knowles

Solange and Julez NO FLEX ZONE from Charlotte Hornsby on Vimeo.

I'mma let you finish Beyoncé (no, I'm not), but Solange is the best Knowles of all time. I know that you may want to fight me on this. Or maybe you don't care. Or maybe you only know SK from that elevator shit. BUT SHE IS THE BEST.

If you don't believe me, check out this video of Solange performing a choreographed dance with her adorable son Julez at her wedding this weekend. Don't act like you aren't putting that dress on your Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus list this year.

And if that dress isn't bomb enough for you, SHE WORE MULTIPLE CAPES for her wedding festivities. Not to mention her double golden cuffs and hair perfection. Finding Yoncé in those pictures is almost like trying to find a hidden whatever in a Highlights magazine. All eyes on Solange.

Oh, and this:

I rest my case, your honor.



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The Butt-Themed Weekend Anthem You've Been Waiting On

I have to be honest -- I have no idea what is happening in this video. I only know that the topic is ass (again) and that I shouldn't change the subject. And that homegirl has an aversion to looking at the camera unless she's wearing semi-transitional lenses.

I do need to know where one picks up an application to be the President of Ass, because I think that I'm probably qualified. Also, those dance moves are fresh to death. It's like a choo choo train impression. I'm way into it.

When you're in the club tonight, make sure you request "The Topic is Ass" to the resident DJ. I'm pretty sure that they love that shit.

P.S. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that I kind of love this song. It's catchy as mother f.

P.P.S. If you need a palate cleanser after all of that, here's an hour of Lil' Bub kicking off the holidays for your ass (which is the topic).

ass song via reddit

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What In The MF-ING HELL Is Going On With Robert Pattinson's Hair

OK people, what's your verdict on Robert Pattinson's new haircut? http://t.co/A5Xat1ifhL pic.twitter.com/EuQxVKjeTI
— E! Online UK (@EOnlineUK) November 14, 2014

What is life anymore, really? After my eyeballs gazed upon these photos of the once at least semi-attractive diamond-encrusted vampire, I'm not really sure.

This might be the actual worst haircut I've ever seen on a dude. It looks like the world's most awful bowl cut with an additional stick-on merkin that you would get from a gumball machine at a porn store.

 My eyeballs need a long soak in the bath. With bath salts. Maybe even BATH SALTS bath salts.


Thanks to my homie Kelly for the tip on this mess.


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I Love Black Polish And I Cannot Lie

Don't be afraid of black nail polish. It's come a long way from the coloring-in-your-fingernails-with-a-sharpie days. It now can really range anywhere from classy-lady-who-lunches to edgy like woah.

Glossy and Flossy

sinful colors in black on black + out the door top coat

Shiny black polish is like classic red polish with a slight emo edge. It goes with anything, and is perfect for any occasion. Going to Quiznos to pick up some kind of toasted something-or-other? Black nail polish. Trying on wedding dresses for an actual wedding or in a SATC ironic way? Black nail polish. Watching Dumb and Dumber To? Please don't. And also, black nail polish.

Okay, end of post! JK, JK. We have a long-ass way to go and many options ahead of us.

Flat Matte

sinful colors black on black + opi matte top coat

I really do apologize for how shitty that I am at painting my nails in a non-human garbage manner. In fact, I made this gif just for this situation. (Okay, I didn't. I made it because it should exist in the universe.)

Anyway, back to the sauce. Matte black nails are glossy black nails' IDGAF sister that dyes her hair with Kool-Aid. She also has a part-time job at Hot Topic, but mostly because of its close proximity to Auntie Anne's Pretzels. I feel her in my heart.

P.S. If you get sick of the matte look, you can just throw a top coat on that mess and you're back to shining bright like a cubic zirconia.

Alt black

If I still haven't convinced you that black nails are boss shit, then maybe I can interest you in an almost-black polish? If you really need a tiny dab of color in your nail life, I present you with these options (from left to right): CND Midnight Sapphire, Essie Devil's Advocate, OPI Here Today...Aragon Tomorrow, OPI Suzi Skis in the Pyrenees. All of these boo boos look pretty much black, but in direct lighting -- blam, pow -- a little color. Get on my darkness level.

See? Black nail polish is crazy versatile. And if you still don't aren't feeling it, you can just paint your nails pinky and sparkly. I still love you the most.



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Here's A Baby Sea Otter Adorably Learning To Do Baby Sea Otter Stuff

This is the video that your cold, black heart has always needed of a five-week-old sea otter pup (!!!) doing the most adorable shit like learning to swim and squealing over cold water. This little baby lady currently goes by Pup 681, which is a mildly depressing moniker, and was recently found abandoned off the coast of California, which is at least a moderately depressing circumstance. (RIP, sea otter mom.)

If you can't watch all four minutes of this fluffy wonder flapping about, then I just won't have time to tell you about the next time that Jon Hamm's pants-ham-sandwich comes out to eclipse our eyeballs. Sorry, Charlie.

And just in case you can't get enough of #681 (What is she, a Hunger Games refugee? Give her a damn name!), here's two and a half more minutes of furry baby stuff. Her little flipper-flapper things! I can't handle it.

Don't worry, my heart will ice over again in 4.23843 minutes and I'll be back to my regularly scheduled rude-ass-ness. But for the next four and change minutes: SQUEEEEEEEE!!!


via national geographic

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