Make Flat Hair Live Life to Its Fullest

My hair is naturally flat, fine (not even foooine) and sad. But at least I have a sparkling personality a lot of lipsticks. Most days I just let my mop air-dry and then style it later, if I find myself doing something that actually warrants having styled hair. Which I rarely do.

But here's the thing about having fine hair that isn't whipped into a frenzy with a hair dryer. It looks like this:

A sad-ass paper sack of bleh. That means I've had to learn how to take that bag o' sad hairs and pump up the volume into something that isn't so "I'm one of those people that wears a t-shirt on Halloween that says 'This IS My Costume', AKA I'm not even trying to try." And this routine isn't even that hard, so it's great for my people (the lazies).

Step One: Root Spray

I first spray the roots of my bangs and through the crown of my head with Sally Hershberger Supreme Lift. I've been using this stuff for years on years on years, and it's my ride-or-die favorite root spray. You're supposed to use it on damp hair, but f the system. I do what I want.

Step Two: Velcro Rollers

Velcro rollers are boss mofos, and if you don't know, now you know. They impart volume like woah, and are an essential part of this flat-to-full process. I put them in right after I spray on the root spray, putting them in at my roots, touching the scalp, and rolling backwards, wrapping the ends around the roller. I don't really care about incorporating the ends of my hair so much, because I'll deal with those crazies later. I secure the roller with one of those little silver hairdresser's clip things, and blast the roots a bit with a hairdryer. Then I leave them in for as long as I can while I do my makeup, ride a tiny Pegasus, pet a bunny, whatever.

Step Three: Make Some Waves

Straight hair is the opposite day version of voluminous hair. So that means after you take out the rollers, you've got to get some bends in those shafts. Hair shafts, you sick brain. How much wave and motion in the ocean you want is totally up to you. Okay, I'll stop with the innuendo. (No, I won't.)

I like for my hair to have a look that says, "I'm the middle-aged fourth Olsen sister that is meandering her way through life and the beds of European sub-royalty," so I wrap my hair around a big ol' fat curling iron and leave my ends out, to give it a messier look. If you like a sleeker, more curled look, feel free to use a smaller-barreled iron and include your ends. If you want a more pageant-y finish, use hot rollers. It's your life. Do you, and shit.

Step Four: Texturize

Now that we've got some shape happening, let's throw a little texture in the bag. I'm not going to harp on my favorite texturizing agents AGAIN, so just feel free to use whatever the hell you want. Just spritz/spray/shake on your product generously until you feel full and fabulous. I should write taglines for buffets.

That's it! We've made our way from limp noodle to at LEAST cooked ramen noodles. Minimum. I'm not at lasagne noodle-levels, but let's be honest, I never will be. Curse you, hair gods! I'm hungry.

Bonus Step: Clip-In Extensions

If you're still feeling blah-haired, there is one final solution: clip-in hair. I use the 14-inch EuroNext Remy extensions from Sally Beauty Supply. If you're looking for amped up volume, clip them in higher on your dome, and if you want length, clip them lower. You can also cut and dye/highlight/whatever them because they're real hair. From a person. Somewhere. I don't really like to think about that.

Okay, that's REALLY the end of this deal. This is as thick and voluminous as I get.

Do you have any tricks to get big-ass hair? Share them with my flimsy strands. I'm down for whatever, as ususal.



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Tori Spelling Might Not Know Where Babies Come From

I have to keep it honest. I haven't seen True Tori because I've heard that it's fakety fake fake and, more importantly, IT'S NOT MOTHER, MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER. Or even anything remotely related to Donna Martin (or even Ray Pruit), so why bother?

Upon watching the trailer for the upcoming season of True Tori, I have discovered that there are so many issues with this show, which we are to believe is a damn slice of life from the Spelling/whatever-dude's-name-is home.

Namely, we are supposed to believe that Tori has never seen a picture of the (probably faux) mistress person? And it's been, like, a year? Pshaw, lady. Pshaw to that. You would have googled that mofo in 2.3 seconds. You would have probably set up a google alert in her name.

I'll take TS on the Maury show and lie-detect her ass to prove that that shit's not true. Not to mention, even if we're to believe that complete and utter nonsense, we are also to accept that you're walking around with 8x10 glossies of homegirl in a manila envelope? Unopened? Just one more pshaw over that, because it needs it. PSHAW.

But let's move on to the real meat and potatoes of this pot pie of ridiculousness. TORI REVEALS THAT SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT.

Okay, so you don't even know? Are finances so dire that boo boo can't buy an EPT test? I'll send a check for $6, if that's the case. Or start a kickstarter. Or maybe steal a deluxe ribbon from one of Candy Spelling's gift-wrapping rooms and sell it on eBay.

Also, is it unclear how one becomes pregnant? Because she has four kids, so I would think one might have figured that shit out by now. Maybe get to googling that, too.

Bottom line, I can't deal with this hot mess express of a purported reality show. Someone just watch it and tell me what happens. And maybe let me know how fake it is on a scale of Big Foot (not fake) to Lindsay Lohan's head hairs (fake).

Instead, I think I'll watch the world's worst pseudo fall on repeat.



How do you talk to an angel? How do you hold her close to where you are?






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Jennifer Love Hewitt Sent Matt Damon A Bed, Reached A Solid 8.5 On The Creeper Scale

I haven't been shy about my feelings re: JLH being a super-kook. Don't get me wrong, it's a lovable brand of kook. It's not like homie is hiding in the backseat of gas station patron's cars with a hook on her hand, or anything. (Is that the plot from I Know What You Did Last Summer?) She's not that flavor of kook.

Side note -- can some decision maker-type from VH1 make Flavor of Kook into a Flava Flav franchise? I would 100% watch whatever the shit that show would be about.

Anyway, back to J Love's weird ways. The world's most beautiful creep was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel a couple days ago, and she shared a pretty Creepy McCreepsalot story about sending a bed (bed topper? it's unclear to me, due to my lack of fancy) to a lonely Matt Damon as a creepy salve to his sad heart.

First off, this was over ten years ago, so Matt Damon was in his prime sexy-ass days. Dude was most likely drowning in the women's bathing suit area parts. Like, all of the parts.

He probably didn't have a bed because he broke them all doing sex with people, Love.  I wouldn't worry.

Also, maybe save all of that Party of Five money. Scott Wolf might need an air mattress one day, or something.

Also (part II), please stop sending shit to other famouses that you don't know. It's unusual at best. Matt Damon probably thought the bed thingy was stuffed with a mixture of both of your hair clippings that you stole from his barber's dumpster and mixed together in your basement, like a weirdo hair Heisenberg. It's too much.

P.S. Scott Wolf is still pretty damn hot, in a Michael J. Fox's cousin type of way.



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Allure Insiders Get The Look: The Anti-Gone Girl

I'm so excited about Gone Girl coming out this weekend, man. I even heard that Ben Affleck is, like, GOOD good in it, so don't even trip on ol' Gigli. It'll be okay.

So for this week's Allure Insiders video, I did a kind of anti-Get the Look. No one wants to look like a maybe/possibly/I'm not ruining it for you dead person, so watch the video to get tips on how to look human on your worst days. Unless you're just naturally #flawless. In that case -- hey, Beyoncé.



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Watch This To Learn How To Make Sexy Eye Contact With People (JK, How To Look Like An Extreme Creep)

Here's how to pick up a nice young lady at the grocery store, according to this dude:

Step one: Stand in the makeup aisle, like any broseph is wont to do. (Bonus points for double embellished shirt status.)
Step two: This.

Step three: Talk, therefore closing the ol' pickup dealio. (He looks like he says "dealio.")
Step four: Get shanked with a mascara wand. Probably your weirdo eye.

Annnnnnd scene.

If any guy has happened upon this blog, I'm sure you were innocently googling something like "big ass porn," (it happens a lot). But while you're here, just head this warning: PLEASE NEVER, EVER (never, ever? never, ever.) DO THIS SHIT.

There's only one exception.

 

Okay, two exceptions.

If your name is Rick, and you're eyeball pervin' to try to telepathically tell me to get more hams and direct me promptly toward the oversized Hershey's Chocolate Bar for bonus points, peep creep away. Peep creep away, Rick. All soul windows on deck.



via reddit


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The Full-Size Beauty Products I Have To Travel With (Screw You, 50 Pound Max)

I'm going to New York for the weekend, and I'm pretty f-ing excited. I get to see two of my favorite friends, and I sold my Britney Spears tickets to buy my plane ticket, so I plan on livin' it up like Ja Rule and shit. That means that I need to be very, very well-packed. I'm not leaving any favorite beauty homies behind, regardless of weight. I NEED ALL OF MY THINGS.

There are a few interchangeable beauty products that I'll just grab whatever feels lightest and easy, but the following guys are non-negotiables. You can see why I have to check a bag. And pack all of my shoes in my purse.

Skin-y Not Minis

I have assembled a motley-ass crew of skin necessities as of late. I've begun using Retin-A again (more on that another time), so I've really been trying to find the perfect moisturizer to use to curtail that damned, dirty peeling that comes with using the ol' A. So I don't have a favorite right now. It's been more of a favorite rotation-ish.

But I have been completely vibing on this Elta MD UV Shield SPF 45 Oil-Free Sunscreen, which is NECE-MFing-SSARY when you're using Retin-A. Like, I even wear it if I go out at night just in case. And this stuff is pretty bomb. It's oil-free (so you can use it over the moisturizer du jour) and doesn't make my eyes feel crazier than a Craisin™.

I also have to bring my Nivea Creme because I can't be caught unawares if I happen to put on some kind of dress/skirt apparatus. You know I'm not about that non-shiny-exposed-leg life. 

And because I currently live in an actual damn desert, I'm preparing for a humidity-meets-skin oil freakout when I hit the East Coast. That's where the Urban Decay De Slick comes in. It's actually not my favorite setting spray, Model in Bottle holds that place in my dark and oily heart, but I have the older packaging that's made from glass. Homie don't play with putting glass in a suitcase. I have a very deep-seated fear of broken glass (we'll talk about that another time, too), and I refuse to risk that shit. So this'll do, pig. This'll do.

Shower Powers

I have another weird thing that I've been dealing with lately. (I know, I know; shocking stuff.) I feel like my hair is thinning. It's probably not, and I should just chalk this all up to a bathroom with weird lighting and neurotic brain wrinkles, but it's my current (possible) real life deal. I'll get into this more another time. I have a lot of things to tell you about later, clearly, but in the meantime, these things have been my maybe hair saviors. If I need them. Which I might or might not. I'm not sure. HALP.

I bought this Bioinfusion Daily Volume Shampoo a couple weeks ago, and I think I love it. (I told you, these are confusing times.) This is apparently a brand that's made for and by Walgreens, and I can't even hate it a little. I don't know that it's going to cause my scalp to sprout more strands, but I'm lathering up with hope in my heart.

I snatched up this Lee Stafford Breaking Hair Treatment on accident, while I was trying to buy some other crap, but I ended up LOVING THIS STUFF LIKE NO OTHER. Like it's no ordinary love. No ordinary love. You use it between your shampoo and conditioner, and it makes your hair feel like a baby unicorn angel's cashmere baby blanket. Or close.

For conditioner, I've been on that Not Your Mother's Way To Grow Conditioner tip. I also have the shampoo, but you can see that I've been busy being stuck on the Bioinfusion. This conditioner is not crazy heavy, but it moisturizes like woah. The instructions say to massage into the scalp for two to three minutes, but I can't really go beyond a minute or so. I must have the strength of a fetal deer, paired with the oil production of a seal's coat. It's a great life.

I'll KIT re: how all of this mess of a regiment works in the long-term.

Save My Damn Hair

Speaking of hair, I'm not even finished. There's more to my ridiculousness. I have to style this mess in some form or fashion, so let's deal with all of that.

When I get out of the shower, I'm all about being able to brush through my tangles sans maximum hair-ripping-out-age. For that, I turn to a combo of Unite 7Seconds Leave In Conditioner and Josie Maran Argan Oil Hair Serum. These cats are like He-Man and She-Ra for hair saving. Or The Power Team, without the phone book ripping. You know, powerful and stuff.

After my hair is dry and styled, I like to add more texture and volume. I use Bumble and Bumble Dryspun Finish pretty much on the daily, even though it's freaking spendy and I really should save it for special occasions. Whatever. I'm really living la vida loca.

I also tend to hit up my roots/bang area with psssst! Instant Dry Shampoo to pump up the volume (dance dance) and keep the front of my hair from getting all greased up. It's fairly cheap and it smells better than any other dry shampoo, so I'm into it. Being oily 4 lyfe is superduper fun, man.

I'm now taking bets on how much you think my bag will weigh. I'm going with 1.7 billion pounds. Minimum. And I'm not even taking into account the weight of a hairdryer, curling wand and flat iron. I'm completely screwed.

What are your must-pack beauty items? Tell me more things I should bring. It's all whatever at this point.





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Want To Win The September Allure Sample Society Box?

Allure sent me their September Sample Society box to root through and see what it's all about, and I made this little baby haul video to share the info. There are lots of fun thingy-dos in this puppy. I'm actually pretty, pretty excited about it. If you want to see what's in the box (heh), watch away.

If you want more info on Allure Sample Society, you can check it out here. And if you want to win one of these babies for yourself, click here and see info on how to win one in the description box. Treat yo' self!



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