Let's "No Thanks," All Over Robin Thicke's New Video For "Get Her Back"

Robin Thicke's first ballad from his album, which is an ode to his estranged wife Paula Patton, is out. And it's a doozy. The song, creatively titled "Get Her Back," is pretty much the musical version of an annoying letter written on the back of a 9th grade Biology syllabus from your "boyfriend" that you broke up with over square cafeteria pizza.

This whole thing is weird to me. I really don't give any effs what people want to do in their personal lives, much less the boundaries of their marriages or whatever boringness, but if your wife has had just about enough of your bullshit, I really doubt that this mess is helping the situation. At all.

I have a hard time believing that PP saw this video and was all, "Oh, you're sharing our personal (or pseudo-personal) text conversations with blood and/or lipstick smeared on your face, while screaming silently into a watery oblivion? Let's get back together!"

You better start using those tears for lube, bro, because I think that this whole deal is going nowhere fast.




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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Bee Venom Facial

The first of my Outrageous Beauty videos for the Allure Insiders came out today. These videos will explore beauty treatments that you might have heard of celebrities and whatnot doing, and maybe want a little more info about.

The first one is all about the Bee Venom Facial, which I had done at the Suddenly Slimmer Spa here in Phoenix. Check it out to see if it hurts, if actual bees are involved, and I end up looking like Kate Middleton.



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True Blood Musings: Down With The Sickness

I have to be honest. I have no MF-ing clue what happened last season, because I'm a serious old and watch way too much TV, but apparently we ended on an insane note.

Everyone is SUPER stabby and filled with Hep V, I guess. Okay, here comes the break so we don't spoil, so click through for to talk about the beginning of the end of this hot ass mess.


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Lady Gaga Serves Up Her Butt Cheeks With A Slice Of Pizza

via gaga's FB

I am not slut-shaming here when I say that this is too much, Stefani. I've worn some of the whoriest whore outfit in my day, including wearing a shirt as a dress. Ain't no thang, man. In current times, this a little more my speed, but I still feel where you're coming from:

But here's where this all swerves a sharp left for me -- I CAN'T EAT PIZZA WHEN THERE'S AN ASS CHEEK EXPOSED IN THE ROOM. It's the same reason that you won't find me at an all-you-can eat cinnamon bun buffet at a strip club. If I'm a hair (sorry) from seeing a cooch or a b-hole, I just feel strange tearing up some grub in the same room as another person's exposed bathing suit areas. Call me old-fashioned.

Conversely, this doesn't bother me in the slightest:

via gaga's FB

You're clearly at a bar of some sort. Show them Ts, guh. Live your life.

Am I insane with this logic? Do you guys mind eating next to somebody's pair of Mr. Cheeks?



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Video(s) Of The Day: Courtney Stodden Shoving Marshmallows In Her Mouth & A Dash Of SJP

If you happen to follow me on Twitter, you might know that I've been re-watching the shit out of Sex and the City over the past week or so. Because of this, I've been doing stuff like googling whether or not Mr. Winkle is still alive. I NEED ANSWERS. During this SATC binge-related research, I came across this brand new video of Sarah Jessica Parker in "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee," which has a terrible new intro song that I can't even deal with, so if you happen to watch it ignore that part. Side note -- why is SJP's hair always so GD fantastic?

Anyway, I wanted to do a post that included the SJP/Jerry Seinfeld video, but I couldn't get the thing to embed. Maybe I really am getting too old for this shit. So instead, I'm posting this Courtney Stodden video because I feel like I've been neglecting my Earth angel.



Apparently Court has a new YouTube "show" called Courtney Naturally (uh huh), where she just does a bunch of silly nonsense that somehow becomes sexual. WE GET IT, YOU'RE DOING PENIS HAND GESTURES. 

My favorite part of this whole thing is that when CS started talking, my sleeping (mostly deaf) dog woke up in a start like I had straight-up slapped her across her muzzle with a pair of brass knuckles. Her voice is apparently kryptonite to canine ear holes.

I missed you, Stodds. Enjoy!



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Tan-talizing Details On Getting A Perfect Faux Tan (I Know I'm The Worst, But I Can't Resist A Dumb Pun)

I am STAUNCHLY anti-sun. Like, don't go outside without a (not-shitty-for-you) sunscreen and a hat, anti.

But that doesn't mean that I don't want it look like the sun has shone on my literal ass every once and a while. After all, at least it makes my mind grapes believe that my cellulite doesn't look at cellulite-y. Just let my baby brain believe things, okay?

Because of all of these neuroses, I have learned to become pretty dependent on self tanners. In fact, I've probably already written a variation of this article 30845092 times before, but I'm really too old to remember (and too lazy to check). Regardless, I've compiled my best tips and products that will give you the easiest and least ridiculous-looking tan known to science. Yeah, science!

Prep Your Mess

Every blog post/article/weird tan person's advice that's ever existed tells you to exfoliate before self tanning. So that's some real 'no doy' advice. But the most effective way to exfoliate pre-tan that I've ever found? A basic bitch washcloth. Use a washcloth to gently scrub your skin in a circular motion, and it will exfoliate like a scrubby little champ.

If you're really adverse to this method, feel free to scrub it up with a body scrub, or whatever, but just avoid using anything that leaves any kind of oily residue. It will way f up your application, and leave you with a faux tan straight out of Splotch City. Another ingredient to avoid is any salicylic acid, or the like. Your tan won't stick, and it will go right down the friggin' drain with your next shower.

Once you're out of the shower, and completely and thoroughly tried off, apply regular lotion to the parts of your body that just love to soak up self tanner like I like to soak up a glass of wine. That includes: feet and ankles, knees, wrists and hands, and elbows. Now go to a cool (temperature, not attitude) and non-steamy room, so you don't sweat your ass off, and it's time to tan.

The Body Rubdown

This post is going to mainly focus on a full-strength fake tan, but that's not the only option. If you prefer to get your lazy on (hey, soul sister!), or just want something not-so-tan, Jergens Natural Glow is a great (and easy) option. Use it daily for a darker result, or every-other-day for something more subtle, you demure lady. No, I won't hold your opera glasses.

If I'm going full stunt queen with the fakery, I'm using St. Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse. Always and forever. It dries fast as hell, it's really easy to apply, and it has never, ever let me down. The only downside: it will stain the craps out of your palms, so I always apply it with the St. Tropez Mitt, or more recently, plastic gloves. And that's only because I ripped the mitt in several places, because I trash every-friggin'-thing in life. It's my destiny.

So after you've applied the plain lotion to the necessary places, start applying the tanner in a circular motion to your body. To avoid weird creases from bending and gymnastics and such, here's the best order of application: legs and butt, trunk (front and back), and finally arms. We'll deal with the face in a minute. After you've finished with the whole bod, take off the gloves and rub a dab of lotion on each wrist all the way around. This will keep you from having a significant line of tanner that screams, "HEY Y'ALL, LOOK AT ME! MY TAN IS FAKE!"

Now let's move onto the mug.

Face Time

I typically don't just slap self-tanner on my face all willy nilly, like I do with the rest of my body. I mean, you CAN, just make sure that you put moisturizer on your face and neck before, so you don't end up with straight crazy face.

Once again, there are a couple of options when picking your face formula. I usually pick tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum for gradual color, because I'm just usually not that tan on the body area, and remember, the whole crazy face thing? (Of course you do, my brain still feels shaken and stirred from having that GIF in the periphery of my vision.) And if you're looking for a drugstore option, Jergens also makes a face formula that's pretty decent.

For more of a TAN tan, I really, really love Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Glow Pads. Can you guess why? Yep, it's because they're easy. DON'T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL BY NOW? But they also have all of that good-for-your-skin stuffs. So these are pretty much on little-baby-unicorns-jumping-out-of-your-birthday-cake-levels of good.

Okay, that's it. Go on and bronze yourself silly.

But not crazy face silly. I WILL KNOW.

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Hitting Up Some Revlon Newbies: Bold Lacquer Mascara and Colorstay Moisture Stain

I was in CVS yesterday, buying Father's Day cards about four days too late and armpit razors. (I buy cheap razors that I use exclusively for pit shaving times, because I don't want my spendy shit to get all dulled up with deodorant and junk.) While I was there I, of course, had to peruse the beauty section and see if there were any treasures that I just couldn't live without.

I've really been interested in trying the new Revlon Bold Lacquer Mascara, and all Revlon products were buy one, get one 50% off like woah, so I grabbed one. I decided to go for Blackest Black, because what I am, an infant?

CVS, $7.99

Here's the deal with this mascara: it reportedly adds both length and volume to your lashes, and it seems to get that job done. It's not as volume-inducing as my homie L'Oreal Voluminous mascara, but it's a lot more defining. This baby is not clumpy at all, so if you're firmly in the "I FRIGGIN' HATE CLUMPS SO MUCH" camp, you'll love this. This is not a crazy, fake-looking lashes kind of party, but it's very nice.

Because it was a BOGO(ish) deal going on, I had to pick up another product to try. I chose the Colorstay Moisture Stain in LA Exclusive, because it was pink and pretty and I love the packaging.

CVS, $9.99

This product is different than any other lip deal I've used before. The texture is really, really similar to a long-wear matte liquid lipstick, but it's moisturizing and gloss-like. It was kind of weird for me at first, and takes a little getting used to, but I like the look of the gloss a lot.

Plus, after the gloss wears off (or you blot it) you're left with a bit of color, like a lip stain. It's probably even more bold if you choose a darker shade. I like it, and I really would like to try some of the other colors in this formula.

 So I might have to go hit up that almost BOGO CVS sale. Just one more time.

I have a problem.

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