I Know I Said I Hate the Holidays...

But I really love Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is You." And this rendition with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots is pretty effin' awesome. Plus, the little girl with the glittery flower on her head is totally my soul sister. All the other kids are staring into the camera the whole time and she's like, "I'm just performing for myself. These other kids are so needy." Plus, there was this...

The side eye that she's giving this boy is awesome. She's all, "What the eff is this kid doing? Friggin' amateurs. What is this, a Barney table read? I've really got to talk to my agent about this mess." She is amazing.

And the fact that Mariah looks like she's wearing star pasties is definitely helping the situation. Faux dress pasties are always a plus in my book. Now let's reflect our younger years with the OG version.



Okay, holiday mode is off again, unless Ryan Gosling rides up to my house on a unicorn in a Santa suit...Side saddle style.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: My New Favorite Chef

My case of the sads is almost to overpowering to even make fun of this sh*t. (I said ALMOST, b's.) I'm not going to lie, I've watched this about seven times. And I'm confused about many a thing here, mainly, why this video even exists. Do we really need a tutorial on how to mix cheese and canned chili together and microwave it? Or the least effective way to open a bag of chips? Who exactly is this gentleman, and can I get yo' number? AAAAAND who taught him how to stir stuff? AAAAAND can I be part of your small group?

I really don't even have anything to say, except that if the man even needs someone to come to his basement apartment to watch reruns of The Facts of Life, I'll meet you there. At least I know what we'll be eating. And now, I have to go...

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Explain This Ish to an Old Person -- Is This New Lady Gaga Video Good?

I would like to start out by saying that I originally typed "food" instead of "good" when I typed that title. Howngray b, party of one? But seriously, young bucks, is this supposed to be a good song? Am I supposed to be poppin' that ass to this? I'm confused. And hungry, and then more confused. And also have a strong case of the olds.

P.S. I WANT to like this mess. I mean, it's called CAKE for God's sake. (Nursery rhymes, be damned.)


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Get Ready to Rock Out With Your...Nevermind. It's Thanksgiving, According to This Young Lady.

I've found my new jam to twerk it to, you guys. This is Nicole Westbrook, and she wants you to know that it's Thanksgiving. I don't even know what the story is here, but I do kind of want that dude's turkey hat. But seriously, are we just letting kids do whatever the eff they want to these days? (Sh*t, I'm old.)



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Happy Halloween, You Scandalous B's!

I know that this is turning into an "I heart Richard Simmons" blog, but I don't give an eff.



I also have another favorite Halloween video to set yo' ass off today.



Now go get your slutty baby doll costume on, or whatever. Get that candy, girl!


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If You Don't Send Me Hate Mail Over This Halloween Video, I Don't Even Know You Anymore.

This is the bottom of the trash heap, people. Enjoy my downward spiral.

Happy Halloween, b faces!


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Lana del Rey Makeup Tutorial

I have been straight up obsessed with Lana lately. I don't know WTF my deal is, so I did a little LDR tutorial. Oh, and Lana, we all know that your lips aren't "bee stung." Quit playing, boo.

And then watch Lana's new (controversial) video for Ride. I can't quit this b.





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NSFCHB (Not Safe for Cold Hearted B's)

This is a clip from Night of Too Many Stars, which airs on Comedy Central on Sunday, and is an Autism benefit featuring different celebrities doing stuff (I'm such a prolific writer). The video is a duet of Katy Perry and Jodi DiPiazza, who is a child with Autism, singing Firework while Jodi plays the piano. This ish is touching as hell, so don't watch it if you want to retain your b face status at work (or wherever -- I'm not up in your life like that) today. But seriously, watch it. It's sweet as a mofo.

Okay, b face reactivated.

via huffington post



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It's Just Getting to Be Too Much. (AKA The New Christina Aguilera Video)

I think that the time has come to give up the shenanigans. I am not saying that Aggy is old. We are the same effing age. So, with complete empathy and understanding I say to you, dear lady -- isn't is time to stop faux beej-ing/killing dudes with your sex in bathrooms? Listen, I dress myself like a confused five year old that idolizes Russell Brand, so I totally get it. Being in your 30's is hard. But when you are almost old enough to run for President, it might be time to stop wearing dresses that you buy in a ziploc bag from the adult novelty store. We're getting old, boo boo. And that's why...

pic via mr hankey

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HOPPY WEEKEND (Don't Worry, I Totally Hate Myself for That Horrendous Pun. Gross.)

                                                                     via buzzfeed

You are welcome for your new ringtone.

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Back 2 Basics: Super Easy Eye Makeup Tutorial!

For those of you just starting out, or aren't really an expert on yo' makeup game...This one's for you!



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Only Watch This Ish if You Truly, Truly Hate Yourself

I watched this entire Nickelback video. What does that even say about my life? This is the latest Nickelback video, starring Jason Alexander (Seinfeld, not Britney Spears' 55 hr long husband. That might have been better.) It's hard to know where to rest your eyes while watching this. I couldn't make eye contact with homeboy's turrrible rug, that's for damn sure. And that font? Don't get me started. The highlight is Brooke Burns rubbing coffee beans all over her body and flying through green screen space surrounded by coffee cups. I guess?

That's more than five minutes of my sh*tty life that I'll never get back.


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Put This On Yo' Face: Mila Kunis Everyday Smokey Eye Tutorial

Here's Mila Kunis lookin' all sexy and ish. And here's a tutorial based on that bangin' face of hers:



And here are the swatches of those bangin' Make Up Forever Aqua Shadows:

Yeah, you are welcome.


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Look 72% More Sexual in Like Two Minutes

Here's my normal, blah face, you guys:

 Oh, hey there, vanilla face. Sometimes you just feel a little "meh" about yourself, you know? I have a beauty pick me up that only takes a couple of minutes, and will totally SEX YOU UP. Like this:



P.S. How INSANE are homeboy's eyebrows? And is that other dude Kenny G? And whatever "making love until we drown" is sounds disgusting. And if I open a pottery painting place and call it Color Me Badd, do you think these b's will sue my ass? And if I ever smoke, it will exclusively be pink cigarettes. Okay, I'm done.

Anyway, here are the two things that will add instant sexy to a blah day: A red lip and liquid liner cat eye. Here I am, but it will be better on you. I'm only .098320482% sexier, but it's the best I get.

Now, don't freak if you don't know how to do the cat eye. Here's my tutorial from a while back. Now let's all get sexy faced, you little w's!




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Feast Your Eyes Moment: Jon Hamm is Sporty Spice

Jon Hamm was obvi playing baseball for some reason or another, that I really can't be bothered with to research. I just know that Don Draper is a hot, hot b.

Speaking of Jon Hamm, if you missed the live epi of 30 Rock this season, watch this ish. Then, you can thank my ass.




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I AM NEVER, EVER HAVING KIDS.

I wish a pterodactyl would swoop down right now and rip out my eyeballs and ear holes. Where are the parents of this child? Is his mom one of the b's booty popping in his face? Where the eff is Chris Hansen?

P.S. This dude is 6. Like in kindergarten 6.

Hurry! I need something to make me feel like a human again.

Look at that widdle tongue! This hamster is doing more age appropriate stuff than that kid. Damn.


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Fiona Apple has a New Video, and It's as Weird as You Would Expect.

Full disclosure: I friggin' love Fiona Apple. From the first time I heard Criminal when I was 15-ish and annoyingly emo-ish, I was hooked on that little poppy seed mini muffin of crazy, and I haven't looked back. Fiona's back, with a new video for her song Every Single Night, and don't worry -- she still cray. With the bonus of a octopus on her head!



Oh, how I've missed this b. And she's back with a little extra ginger flavor (and baby bangs). To which I say:



"Heeeeey!"


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In Case You Don't Obsessive Stalk Me, You Might Have Missed It

So, I never posted any of my challenges from Allure's Beauty Blogger of the Year contest. Here's the video I made for the final challenge. It shows how to use various makeup items in more than one way. Enjoy my typical horrid-ness.





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Barely Still Timely Videos: Evil Queen Makeup Tutorial

Seriously, don't watch this. It's not good. But if you insist, it's a tutorial to get the look from Snow White and the Huntsman's evil Queen character as played by Charlize Theron. (Except obvs not as good. I'm not a unicorn.)

Here's the inspiration, bee-tee-dubs:

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And Mischa Barton Makes an Amazing Comeback! (Not.)

Because nothing says, "I'm back b's, and I've TOTALLY got my ish together!" like putting on a panda head and faux making out with another panda head. Why you gotta bring ol' Louis Armstrong into this mess???


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