Only Watch This Ish if You Truly, Truly Hate Yourself

I watched this entire Nickelback video. What does that even say about my life? This is the latest Nickelback video, starring Jason Alexander (Seinfeld, not Britney Spears' 55 hr long husband. That might have been better.) It's hard to know where to rest your eyes while watching this. I couldn't make eye contact with homeboy's turrrible rug, that's for damn sure. And that font? Don't get me started. The highlight is Brooke Burns rubbing coffee beans all over her body and flying through green screen space surrounded by coffee cups. I guess?

That's more than five minutes of my sh*tty life that I'll never get back.


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People are Doing Crap to Their Hair, Again. (Plus Cyrus Family Music That's Really Friggin' the Business.)

As I'm sure all of you h's have seen, My Cy (aka Miley Cyrus) cut that hurrr. Here's a collage that I made of some of her Twitter pictures, because I am a twelve year old girl.

Now, here's the thing. I like it. She's young, and this is the time to do this crap. She looks like a sexual(ish) Susan Powter.

With a tiny dash of Kate Gosselin.

Remember THAT haircut? That was tragic. But I'm totally into MC's hair. I'm jealous that I can't pull off that mess. But Miley's not the only b in the game that's switching up that rug. Mizz Christina Aguilera also rode that pony.

pic via US Weekly

This, on the other hand, I am not into.  It's just TOO MUCH. Especially for someone of her age. Now I'm not saying b is OLD, but we're the same age. I'm immature as a mofo, and I consider myself about seven years too old to do this jazz. And it's all just a little...Um...(Porny.) But that's a good look! (If that's your thing. And if so, play on, player.)

In another twist of events that turns the tables back to the Cyrus family, I have a new jam, and it's by a band that includes Miley Cyrus' older sister. The band's called Frank + Derol, and the song is called "Barely Love You Too." Click below to download that ish fo' free. You have nothing to lose, and it's seriously freaking the bee's knees. Just download it, and wear out your repeat dealy deal. You are welcome.






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Randy Travis Got Busted for Getting Crunk and Driving While...

pic via E! News

NAKEY! I normally wouldn't even write about a country singer, just because it's not really my deal at the moment, but B WAS NAKED AND CRASHED HIS CAR. How does that happen? But he apparently was wearing a hat, because the picture above is ol' Ran Ran leaving the slammer in some papery scrub deals, barefoot, and WEARING A HAT. You would think that one would at least throw a thong on before climbing behind the wheel. Damn, I'll have what he's having. ALLEGEDLY.

P.S. If he was drinking Arbor Mist, I can die a happy woman.




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I've Been Listening to a Helluva Lot of SWV...

And I think I sound pretty, pretty good with the harmonizing, ladies. And don't worry, I've created an alternate album cover.

I'm pretty sure I've got this in the bag. Email me.



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Lazy Blogging: Go Read Something That I Already Wrote

Pic via Allure Magazine

This week, for my Allure blog, I discussed my intense lady love for the beauty stylings of Gwen Stenfani. Click here to check that shizz out!




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I'm Wearing My Over-Sized NKOTB Pin in My Retirement Home

Donnie Wahlberg (if you don't know who that is, it's time to go) posted this picture of the current state of affairs of New Kids on the Block to his twitter. It appears that they are in a bath house of some sort, and have become an Freddie Mercury tribute band. Damn, we are all getting old, aren't we? Jon looks like he's in dire need of  a nap and some cucumbers on his eyes. Danny's hardly in the picture, because he was never anyone's favorite. BUT, my man Jordan (Does anyone else find it weird that a middle aged man's name is JORDAN? People, think of these things when you name them kids.) is looking guuuurd still. I'm picking up everything he's throwing down.

Who was your favorite NKOTB? If you say Danny, you're a damn liar.



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I AM NEVER, EVER HAVING KIDS.

I wish a pterodactyl would swoop down right now and rip out my eyeballs and ear holes. Where are the parents of this child? Is his mom one of the b's booty popping in his face? Where the eff is Chris Hansen?

P.S. This dude is 6. Like in kindergarten 6.

Hurry! I need something to make me feel like a human again.

Look at that widdle tongue! This hamster is doing more age appropriate stuff than that kid. Damn.


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Oh, Lana del Rey...

Lana del Rey just released her new music video for National Anthem, in which she portrays herself as Jackie O or something. I love any retro, grainy-type ish, so I'm pretty into it.

But here's my deal. I just can't decide if this b is my soul mate, and I want to split a Fun Dip with her, or if I want to slap the pout out of her face. Lannie can rock some talons, though. That is one thing of which I AM certain.

What are you guys feeling on this?



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Fiona Apple has a New Video, and It's as Weird as You Would Expect.

Full disclosure: I friggin' love Fiona Apple. From the first time I heard Criminal when I was 15-ish and annoyingly emo-ish, I was hooked on that little poppy seed mini muffin of crazy, and I haven't looked back. Fiona's back, with a new video for her song Every Single Night, and don't worry -- she still cray. With the bonus of a octopus on her head!



Oh, how I've missed this b. And she's back with a little extra ginger flavor (and baby bangs). To which I say:



"Heeeeey!"


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"Young lady, you better wipe that puss off of your face right this instant!"

Okay, I just kind of wanted to use that phrase, because I am forever 12. Don't believe me?

This is what I'm wearing on my hand right now. I seriously hate myself. Anyway, enough about me. Let's ish on someone else for a while, shall we?

In case you have caught yourself unaware (How dare you?!?!?), this is Lana del Rey at last night's Met Gala. She is a (kind of ) indie singer, that people like to hate on. I ACTUALLY like this b, but come on, kitten. Is life so hard? YOU ARE AT AN EFFING PARTY, SWEETS. And you're wearing a badass cape. Do you know how much I wish I were wearing a cape right now? And sparkly other crap?

I'm wearing yoga pants and a damn child's bow ring. And I'm in my thirties. Buck up, kid. You've got it pretty good.

And you're pretty. So take your freakin' crabby pants off. Maybe try yoga pants. Them b's is comfy!

P.S. Whaddup to Natalie Portman's peplum-ed out face twin behind you. I see you, b!


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I'm Totally Into This Mess

 Let me start off by saying that I'm full-on jealous as hell that I didn't go to Coachella. I'm totally a dirty hippie at heart (Dr. Bronner's 4 EVA!), minus the dirt and the outdoor stuff. I'm going next year and I don't give an ish if I'm too old. If Pacey's old bones can go, I can too.

Anyway, Katy Perry showed up to Coachella with a new hair color: dark purple. And I love it! I wasn't that into the blue (or even the blonde), but this is super hot. It helps that her eyebrow game is on point in this picture, too. Those things are kickin' it, honey boo boo.  If I were 10 years younger (or even five) I would rock the hell out of this hair. (And that dress! Minus the flower...) But instead,  10 years ago I looked like this:

My. God.

Yes, I am wearing a children's Eeyore shirt that I have fashioned into a cropped halter top. What you can't see is that my friend is wearing a matching outfit. (I cropped her out to protect her identity. I know she'll read this -- you're welcome.) Oh, the early 2000's...You truly were quite a gem.

Guess who else was there (except for, like, everyone)? Oh, Linds. You are such a card. I seriously don't know what kind of artificial nonsense you have pumped into your mug, but is it bad that I like it? I know I shouldn't approve of a 25 year old (!!!) getting fillers or whatever in her face, but she's looking refreshed! And her hair? It's so Victoria's Secret Angel-y! This is the least dirty Lilo has looked in YEARS and she's at Coachella. It's a Coachella miracle!

What do you guys think? Do you like Katy's purple hair? How about Lilo's work? Let's dish on this ish.



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Time to jump in our spaceships!

So, before you play this at full volume in your cubicle, it's super NSFW language. I mean, obvs. It's Tupac, y'all.

But seriously...

Now, let's all ride or die.



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Let Us All Try to Drown Our Sorrows

We all know that, sadly, we lost Whitney Houston today. It is a very sad time for all of us. We have lost a wonderfully talented, yet tragically tortured artist. So in effort to lift all of our spirits, I present to you the one thing that will forever bring a little light to my life every time that I view it.



You're welcome.

On the real, RIP Whitney. We were all rooting for you. Oh, and I see you, Bobby.



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Vinny Wants You to Pretend That He's Raping You...

 You can file this under "Ummm, No Thanks." That Vinny dude from Jersey Shore wrote a rap, and TMZ has the romantic lyrics:

"I ain't got a girl ... You ain't got a man ...
I've got a date for ya ... and it's in my pants."

The rap continues: 
"Oh you a fan? You wanna take a pic?
I like your crack girl ... I wanna take a hit.
Yeah I'm takin' it ... I'm a get you naked b*tch ...
We can f**k and make it fit... boomin s**t and slatin' it.
Actin' like I'm raping it ...
f** k her til she fakin' it."

But wait, there's more: 
"If I act like a d*ck ... slap me with your t*ts."

 Seriously? What the eff is this mess? I just can't with any of these Jersey Shore h.a.m. sandwiches. Just go swim in your dirty MTV money like Scrooge McDuck and quit rapping about fake raping b's.

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What the WHAAAAT?!?!?

Pic via US Magazine

The NY Daily News has uncovered a paternity lawsuit, in which a 20 year old woman claims Justin Bieber is the father of her three month old baby. She says she had sex with the Biebs last year after one of his concerts. Whaaaaat? Go to your room, young man (woman?)! But seriously, ish just got serious. Dude, you are 16 (I think.) and a gazillionaire. If you're getting down with a random, please protect your self before you wreck yourself.

P.S. This is his new haircut. I'm not sure if we're moving farther away or closer to looking like a sweet-faced lesbian. (Which is a cute look, so whatevs.)

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Duh, Who Doesn't Love a Pizza Party?!? Super NSFW

This would have totally been my jam for sleepovers in third grade, if it wasn't for the whole n-word, f-bombs, and the constant cunnilingus/fellatio referencing thing. Pin It

I'm Pretty Sure This is the Worst.

This is a Crossroads/Terminator cluster f. Brit, you are 30. And you are not Avril Lavigne circa 2002. You just flashed a ginger child. I am not okay. Pin It

Listen to This: New Music (Comes Out Tuesday)

Disclaimer: If you hate indie/alt rock, you will probably HATE every single thing that I recommend.

Those of you that are still with me, lets take a little journey. Bon Iver is my  newest musical "thing." This ish is awesome. The vocalist, Justin Vernon, is from Wisconsin (What?!?) and has a completely unique sound.

Here the dude is. Yup, looks indie, huh? But ol' dude worked with Kanye, Rick Ross, et al  on this...

And on the other end of the musical spectrum, here's a track from the new, self-titled album.

Versatile, non? Anyway, CD comes out this Tuesday. I listened to it in it's entirety, and it's friggin' awesome. If you want to read more about Bon Iver, he is the cover story of Spin magazine's July edition. Read more here. Pre-order the album on iTunes or here on Amazon. Let the Indie wash over you. Don't worry, you can still shower on a regular basis. Pin It

Can't. Stop. Listening.

This is the bee's friggin' knees. Enjoy.

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