Oh, Snap. Get My Brown Lip Liner and Frosted Lipstick Back, STAT.

Word on the (beauty) street is that chocolate nails are back for fall. To which I say, been there, done that, got the long ass acrylic nails to prove it. (Well, not the actual nails. That would be disgusting. I have the PICTURES to prove it.)

Let's get a closer look at those hot, hot talons of late 90's sexy.

Woooooow. (Flavor Flav voice -- I that even a slightly relevant reference? Nope, not at all.) So, I'm not sure if I'm to jump all up on this bandwagon yet, but I did find some great polishes to kick off the chocolate rain craze.

butter London in Tramp Stamp, $14

Essie in Chocolate Cakes, $8

NYX in Matte Chocolate Brown, about $6

Will you guys try chocolate nails again? Or did you get your fill (har, har) of the choco trend back in the day?



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Am I Done Here?

Pic via Us Weekly

Here is Brad Pitt filming some movie where he looks pretty unfortunate. I mean am I right? Homeboy's face is toeing a VERY fine line to the color and texture of his boots. I say this with a heavy heart, but I think that my love affair with Brad Pitt is over. And this is no fly-by-night deal. I actually have proof of just how long I have been into this b.

Here I am having an (obviously) badass sleepover in the early(ish) 90's, which apparently involved a lot or tag team telephone time. Fun. You are welcome, everyone's face that I blurred out. Ugh. How annoying does my room look? And look at the luxury TV I have kickin' in the corner. I was a preteen boss. Now, lets focus on what's really important here.

There's Brad Pitt, from Legends of the Fall, taking up prime real estate on my ugly ass floral wallpaper. (BTW, if you've never watched that movie, watch that ish. It's seriously really effin' good. And it has the kid from ET in it.) Don't get me wrong, BP is still a hot man. I just feel like the magic is gone. I blame Angelina Jolie.

Are you guys still into Bradley? Or have we moved on to b's like Harry Potter or whatever? (Shudder.)



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Jem and the Holograms Made Me a Crazy B

I think that we can all agree that Jem is the hottest cartoon of all time.

But I can also say, with complete confidence, that this b effed up my life. How can you even live up to glamor like this? A lace fingerless glove AND a leather fingerless glove? I mean, damn, a regular b doesn't stand a chance. And in this video, Jem becomes A JEM MERMAID. Sigh.



Seriously, I think that Jem made a huge impact on my young life. Here are the Jem-isms that have stuck with me:

Wear Whatever the Hell Crazy Outfit You Want: I have always been somewhat of a fashion risk-taker. I was never one to care about matching, and I have been known to be somewhat over-the-top at times. My mom told me a few months ago that "I was finally in style, because not matching is a thing now." Sigh.

A Badass Earring Can Make Everything Better: I really like to wear a 'statement' earring in one ear, and like a stud, or whatever, in the other. I think it really harkens back to my Jem days, and that damn magical earring. If I had one that could light up, that ish would rock my world.

All Pink Errrthing: Damn, I love pink. And a little more than any dumb dumb in her thirties should. If I could have Jem-pink hair right now, and not look crazier than tanning mom, (too dated a reference?) I totally would. Man, I hate myself.

Don't Be Afraid to Take a Chance on Beauty:  Jem wears damn hot pink eyeshadow trapezoids like a boss. That mess inspires me to try different hairstyles, makeup colors, and more. Who cares if your look might lean more toward the insane side of the beauty scale? YOLO. (I know, I know.)

Now get ready for you day to be ruined. You better get your novelty-sized eraser out, because you are about to clear your schedule for the foreseeable future. Jem and the Holograms is on Netflix watch instantly. On a completely unrelated note, I have to go. I have to weed my vegetable garden, or something. (And no, that is NOT a euphemism for something sexual.) Okay, fine. I'll be in a mother effin' Jem-induced rabbit hole for the next 2384032984 hours. Bye, b's.




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I'm Wearing My Over-Sized NKOTB Pin in My Retirement Home

Donnie Wahlberg (if you don't know who that is, it's time to go) posted this picture of the current state of affairs of New Kids on the Block to his twitter. It appears that they are in a bath house of some sort, and have become an Freddie Mercury tribute band. Damn, we are all getting old, aren't we? Jon looks like he's in dire need of  a nap and some cucumbers on his eyes. Danny's hardly in the picture, because he was never anyone's favorite. BUT, my man Jordan (Does anyone else find it weird that a middle aged man's name is JORDAN? People, think of these things when you name them kids.) is looking guuuurd still. I'm picking up everything he's throwing down.

Who was your favorite NKOTB? If you say Danny, you're a damn liar.



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Creepy Ass Beauty: I Like to Live Vicariously Through Dolls.

I was kind of a spoiled kid. I had not one, but all three (that was all that was available at the time) of the American Girl dolls -- Kirsten, Molly, and Samantha. My favorite was Samantha, by far. She was a hoity toity b, and came with a freakin' velvet clutch and a fancy ass, albeit somewhat ill-fitting, hat. How can you hate on that ish?

If you guys are feeling a little bit fuzzy on what Samatha looked like, here she is:

Oh, you fancy, huh?

That girl looks guuuurd, right? With ol' Sam (That was her nickname, it was in the story, you guys!) being my favorite toy of my privileged-ass childhood, what's better than finding beauty products that totally make me think of my OG homegirl?

Burberry Brit Eau de Parfum, $72

My first Samantha pick is Burberry Brit perfume. I mean, seriously?!? Boo Boo's dress could have totally been a Burberry print. Plus, she's a fancy b, and Burberry is totally for fancy people.

Smashbox Master Class 11 Meet the Masters Palette, $59

Next up is this badass limited edition palette from Smashbox. Samantha was a painter (you could buy that mess for extra), so this palette would totally speak to her artistic sensibilities. I need this bad boy in my life. Look at all the fun ish you get in this beast!

Amika 4 Piece Interchangeable Barrel Curler Set, $175

Speaking of stuff I want, how freaking cool is this barrel curler set? You can switch out the barrel of the wand to achieve different tightness of curls, ranging from curly Sue to mermaid. Okay, I made that part up, but you get what I'm throwing down here. This is perfect for Samantha, because homeslice had really good hair. It had the perfect amount of wave, and was super shiny. Not like my girl, Kristen. Her mop was a hot mess. Sadness.

LAFCO Tree House (Majestic Oak) Candle, $55

I have a weakness for expensive ass soy candles. This one smells like a tree house, apparently. And that is perfect for Samantha, because according to her American Girl Dolls Wiki page (That exists!!!), "She has a rough side such as climbing trees and feels it is very hard to be a young lady." Anything that costs $55 has to smell amaze, right?

Velvet Bow Stretch Headband, $16

Obviously, Samantha has a strong affection for both velvet and bows (Have you SEEN the size of her head bows?), so this cute Esty headband would be perfect for her. It would also be perfect for me, but that's neither here nor there.

Samantha was one of my first style icons, sadly. Well maybe She-Ra, Stawberry Shortcake (That was a good-smelling b.), or Jem were my FIRST first. Who did you love as a kid? Did you have any American Girl dolls?


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Who's the Cooler Cat, (I Truly, Truly Hate Myself) Garfield or Heathcliff?

I think that we can all agree that the 90's were filled with an ish-load of awesomeness. And part of that came down to two orange cats, Garfield and Heathcliff. So the question begs to be asked in a head-to-head Battle Royale. Who was the best: Garfield or Heathcliff???

Battle of the munchies 

Food is the bomb, right? And it seems like cats like nasty ish. It's always like Salmon with a Hint of Liver and Garbage Juice on cat food labels. So let's check out what these cats were chewin' on.

Heathcliff:

Heathcliff eats fish bones and garbage.

 Garfield:

Garfield eats lasagne.

Winner: Duh. Lasagne is delicious. Garfield takes this one.

Homepeeps
Dogs have packs, and cats have...Eff if I know. But both of these cats had friends that they hung out with on the regular. Who's got the better cat gang?

Heathcliff:

Look at these hot b's. That's some fashion-forward ish.

Heathcliff even had a lady friend. With TWO pink bows. Fancy!

Garfield:

Garfield has Odie and Jon. Snooze.

Winner: Heathcliff takes this one. Those junkyard cats were fly as ish. Floppy hats? Leg warmers? Skinny ties and sweatbands? B, please. Garfield's Jon can't even hang with that mess. He looks like a cartoon version of Cousin Larry. Not hot.

Hello?!? Try to tear your eyes away from Balki's mullet. I dare you.

Theme Song
Music is an important factor in coolness. If your theme song is super lame, you can't be a true boss b. Who had the cooler theme song?

Heathcliff:

This song is still fire. If I wasn't too lazy to have a ringtone on my cell phone, I would totally use this.

Garfield:

 I don't even remember this ish, I can't lie.

Winner: Heathcliff's song will rock your damn face off.

Street Cred
When you're a cat, you kind of have to be a badass. No one respects a cuddly cat. Who's got the most street cred?

Heathcliff:

Heathcliff was always doing some hood rat stuff.

Plus, he was in a GANG that lived in a JUNKYARD!

Garfield:

Garfield was kind of a dick, so he gets major points for that.

And apparently, he's girlfriends with Lil' Wayne.

Winner: Tie. Garfield's sh*tty attitude lives on in annoying t shirts to this day, but living in a garbage heap trumps living in a creepy, middle aged, single dude's house.

Overall Winner
I'm sorry, Garfield fans. I've got to give the overall cat awesomeness prize to Heathcliff. He's a badass b (Trina style) and everything about that show screams high fashion. Agree or disagree? Bash me (or raise the roof with me) in the comments.

 

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Listen.

Pic via Huffington Post

I like this mess, because it looks like it's straight outta Compton Contempo Casuals circa 1998. That was my mother effin' heyday, so you know how you get stuck in that ish. Good job, Miley. You are super reppin' the late 90's like a serious boss.


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We're All Getting Old/Where the Hell Have I Been News

Pic via Daily Mail

Jessie Spano is like one second from pooping popping out (I don't know where babies come from) a kid. How did I not know this? It wasn't in the Saved by the Bell Fans 4EVA!!!! (yes, four exclamation points) newsletter.  In other news, she and her husband obvi love a well-worn military jacket. Are those grommets, sir? How historically accurate of you!

P.S. I don't know this man's story, but if he's not a soap opera or Cinemax late night movie actor, he totally missed his calling.

And on completely unrelated topic, this is what Ashanti has been wearing lately, courtesy Bossip:

Oh, honey. I don't even know where it's safe to rest my eyes in this piece. That lace applique is working hard for its money. But on a positive note, "Foolish" is still totally my jam! That's some good ish.



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WTF, Stacy Ferguson?

Pic via Huffington Post

Fergie showed up to something called "The Night of Firsts" ( I effing hope so!) wearing this hot mess. #1 You can't zip it. #2 You're wearing a Felix the Cat dress. #3 You look uncomfortable as hell, like a b that can't zip her dress up. Oh, wait...

This is the only way that Felix the Cat should be making appearances.

And when's the last time you saw one of those? Probably when you looked like this.

You and J Love should have showed up like this last night. That would have been the realness.

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Oh, What a Great Contempo Casuals Catalog Cover From Circa '97

Pic via E Online Twitter

What? This is Scarlet Johansson's current-day Cosmo cover? Oh, well my stars. This is...Not good. That hair is halfway to dreadlock-ville. If b doesn't take an exit to a VO5 Hot Oil Treatment stat, she is in trouble. Is there not a hair shine tool or something on Photoshop?

Maybe I'm just old (shut your w mouth), but Cosmo is the most vapid publication, ever. Every single story is about sex or love. IS THERE NOTHING ELSE? Bleh.

 But on the real, throw on a choker and I would have DIED for this dress in the late nineties. Verdict? Hot.

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I Can't Believe I Forgot to Talk About This Mess

 I have MAJOR love for Shannen Doherty. She is one of my favorite humanoids. If you don't love Brenda Walsh, I just can't even with you. But this ish is freaking ridiculous. I can't even co-sign this for my favorite homegirl. The first time I saw this, I got a huge case of the WTF's. Are things that bad, S. Doh? Do you need a personal loan or something? You are better than this. You're endorsing a college that says go to class in your pajamas. I need my b back! I need some c-face, and some rude side eye knives thrown at Kelly Taylor's bland ass! Not this. Pin It

Get Your MF'ing Cowboy Boots On, B*tches!

Hey Dude is coming back! According to Entertainment Weekly, Teen Nick 90's Block (This exsists?!?! Where the eff have I been?) is adding Hey Dude to its Friday night lineup. Crap, I need to find out if I have this mess on my cable. I'll see you b's later. I'm leaving JTT in charge. Let's see what he has to say about this news.


Awesome. He's totally on board with it. Pin It