Get Ready To Save All Of Your Vegan Tears In A Decorative Mason Jar: Jared Leto Cut Off His Magical Hair And Beard

Tweets by @DavidAyerMovies

Drown you sorrows in all of the world's cold quinoa and kale salads -- Jesus Leto is no more. Jared cut off all of his hotness for a role in something called Suicide Squad, which is apparently a movie based on a comic. And homie is playing the Joker.

Don't get me wrong, Jared Leto is hot no matter what. He could put a rancid octopus on his head and still be sexual AF. But I like my Leto one of two ways: Catalano or scruffed up.

What do you think? Are you into this sleek shit? Tell me all of your feelings on everything.







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The MAC Collections That I Wish Existed

pic via mac cosmetics

The MAC Cinderella Collection came out yesterday, to the delight of thousands of women that grew up with "I-will-marry-Prince-William" fantasies everywhere. And while the collection looks as lovely as a fancy-ass crystal goblet filled with a sparkling wine that didn't even come from a box, it got me thinking* -- what MAC collections would be the very best collections? If dreaming were free, what would we want to see? What if things were fanciful with glee? (Okay, I'll stop. I don't even know what I'm doing.)

Let's just look at this nonsense.

The Neverending Story

I really can't believe a TNES/MAC collab doesn't already exist. It's almost blasphemous, I tell you. HAVE YOU SEEN FALKOR'S IRIDESCENT SCALES, WORLD? They're a GD delight to the senses.

The Childlike Empress' (AKA Ssdjlskjfknvodsnvs') Smudgy Shadow Stick in Ruddy Tears

We look so sad because that damn shadow stick doesn't exist, bb.

Falkor's Flying High in the Sky Faux Lashes

Okay, so this name is terrible. But don't act like you don't covet that magic dragon's eyelashes, or you a damn lie.

Bastian's Super-Shiny Hair Serum

MAC doesn't even make haircare shit, but I think they could make an exception for this one. A bowl cut that glossy really can't be denied.

Arrested Development

The Bluths are as glamorous as they come, and would make for an excellent line of cosmetics. Mostly because you can't spell class without ass.

Lucille's Drunken Glow Illuminating Powder

 If you don't want to shine bright like Lucille Number One, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.

It's as Ann as the Nose on Plain's Face Concealer

Because we all wish that our under-eye circles were as invisible as Egg. Her?

Tobias' Nevernude Navy Eye Glitter

Tobias is easily the most colorful of the Bluth bunch, and his addition to the line would leave you tasting those meaty leading man parts in your mouth in no time.

Teen Witch

Teen Witch is coming to Netflix on March 1, so get ready for a national holiday to be declared (in my heart). Hurry, MAC, get this mess ready for National Louise Appreciation Day.

I Will Never Be Hip Gloss 

This lip gloss shall only be worn with bucket hats and '80s-flavored regrets. P.S. Can we get a TW reboot starring Jenny Slate as Polly? P.P.S. Have you ever met an actual human named Polly?

 Top That Finishing Spray

Don't be such a waste of pretty face, and go ahead and try to top that...with a finishing spray. Cuffed capri-rolled jeans and jaunty Hawaiian shirts are optional.

Beverly Hills, 90210

Someone get Andrea Zuckerman on this v, v important project. Homegirl knows how to get shit done. And write a scathing expose on cafeteria food.

David Silver Pigment

Do you need your eyes to sparkle with a glean that says, "I'm a dorky white teenager that's really trying to make an R&B career happen?" It's covered.

Donna Martin's Lipstick in "I'm Still a Virgin"

It's hard to believe that Donna had those rock-solid dance moves and had never gotten freaky in a Burger King bathroom. Brava.

Brenda and Dylan 4EVA Permanent Nail Glue

WARNING: This nail glue will cause a bond that will NEVER, EVER BREAK.  DO YOU HEAR THAT KELLY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

What MAC Collections would you like to be plucked from you heart and brought to reality? Let's discuss the most important issue of the day.


*trademark Carrie Bradshaw

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My New Favorite Lip Homies

I have pretty major issues when it comes to hoarding lip stuff. I've got balms, glosses, lipsticks, chapsticks, not to mention other lip things that I'm not even sure what they do, stashed like friggin' contraband all around every area of my life. (I almost said every orifice, but no, that's too far. Even for me.)

But you know what I don't have? A MF-ing gangster lip serum. You know why? Because I've never heard of one. Not to mention one for an old and sad sack set of lips like mine. Enter Murad Rapid Collagen Infusion for Lips ($24), stage right.

Murad sent me these angel tears shoved sweetly into a plummy tube about a week ago, and I am hooked on this stuff. It gives your lips a plump and pillowy feel, but IT'S NOT THAT CHEAP-ASS STINGING TRICK. We're onto you, stingy lip shit. This is all about moisture and straight-up science. (I'm guessing.) This is what Murad says:

"Instantly smooths and hydrates for an ideal base under lipstick, gloss or balm. Simultaneously boosts micro-circulation for plumper, fuller lips while working over time to reduce the appearance of vertical lip lines and wrinkles" 

MICRO-CIRCULATION. That is more science-y than Mr. Wizard (RIP).

Another perfect usage of this serum (!!!) is as a base for matte lipsticks. It just erases any weird and unfortunate drying and discomfort issues that you might typically have with lip stuff that's on the matte-y end of the spectrum. Also, that sounded like a Summer's Eve commercial, and for that, I deeply apologize.

But it does bring me to my next current favorites, more ColourPop Lippie Stix.

I already bought a couple of the Lippie Stix a while ago, and I decided that I needed to get more, mostly because they're FIVE GD DOLLARS and I really love the formula. This time around, I decided to do the deed with Frida, Dalia and Cookie.

Lordt, do I love these Lippie Stix. They're just easy. You can use the edge of the stick as more of a lip-lining-tool-deal, and they aren't too big and cumbersome to work with, which is nice when you're using a bold/bright/whatever lip color. They're just an all-around damn delight.

So as long as these puppies are $5, I'll be like:

(But, only like five times, because times. Because it's only five dollar bills.)




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Beauty Battle: High-End vs Drugstore Brow Pencil

You know that my life's quest is to find the very best eyebrow products and present them to you in an unfortunately-worded and photographed manner. That, and to eat as many Mother's Circus Animal Cookies as humanly possible without passing on. It's a real journey. Like Eat, Pray, Love, but slightly less annoying.

I come to you today with a tale as old as time...

You find a really MF-ing delightful beauty product, but is it REALLY really worth it? And how does it compare to a way cheaper, but still boss-ass, similar product?

Let us explore. WHEEEEE!

The High-End Homie

anastasia beverly hills brow wiz in taupe (sephora, $21)

Pros:

• It's super-precise. Like almost too precise? (If that were a thing.)
• The color is perfectly ashy, so you will never have weird-ass orange eyebrows. Even Carrot Top doesn't want orange eyebrows.
• It has a spoolie on the end for blending, which actually comes in handy.
• The pencil is twist-up (automatic? I don't know, whatever). I'm a lazy, so this is big for me. I hate sharpening shit. I also hate pencil shavings. It's like #432 on my list of things that I hate. Not as high as finding a stranger's fingernail on a public table, but it's on there.

Cons:

• Boo boo is expensive. $21 for a brow pencil is pretty GD spendy, man.
• It doesn't last very long. I bought this three months ago, and have used 115% (Maury percentages) of it. I expected more from a brow pencil that costs over 20 dollars, but that's what I get for expecting things in life.

The Drugstore Darling

maybelline twin brow pencils in blonde (drugstore.com, $2.39)

Pros:

• THESE ARE CHEAP AS HELL. I bought mine from Walgreen's, the world's most expensive retailer, and got them for about $4.00. Plus, they were buy one, get one half off, so I got four pencils for about six bucks.
• They have great staying power. The package claims that these puppies are waterproof, but let's not be ridiculous. Remember the expectations thing?
• The color is like a 8.967 out of ten on the "looks pretty damn natural" scale.
• You can find them almost anywhere, so you won't have to make a special trip. Lazy.

Cons:

• You have to sharpen them, like it's the 1800's and shit. Lazy. Who am I, Laura Ingalls Wilder?
• The tip (heh) isn't as precise.

The conclusion? I have to give it to the Maybelline pencil. The color isn't as perfect as the Anastasia, but I can live with the fraction of a difference for a fraction of the price.

Not to mention, the Anastasia pencil is 0.003 oz of product, while each pencil of the Maybelline is 0.03 oz. And you get two pencils per pack. You do the math. (No, seriously, I don't know what the math is on that, but it's pretty f-ing significant.)

Viva la cheapness!

Get your ass to the drugstore, bb.

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To Be Filed Under: How Do I Apply For This Job? (AKA Watch Justin Bieber Get Egged In Slow Mo)

Get More: Comedy Central,Funny Videos,Funny TV Shows

Oh, to be a skillful egg tosser.

Comedy Central just released a promo for its March 30th roast of the world's most hated* toddler, Justin Bieber, and it's quite the fun romp. If you're an egg. Or an oiled up, thin, boy chest.

Also, I'm off omelets for a while.**


*by me
**no, I'm not


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Reminder: Dame Helen Mirren Is Way Cooler Than All Of Us

Helen Mirren is basically cool as shit, and knows it. And Hells should really be in every commercial. That's a free tip, advertising agencies.

Don Draper is totally going to steal my idea.




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What's Better: The Grammys Or GRAHAM-ys?

I'm not in love with awards shows. Yet I feel compelled to watch them for posterity's sake, even though I'm not 100% clear on what the f that means. So, I watched (parts of) the Grammys last night. I felt pretty warmed-over "meh" about them overall, but there were some high points for me.

But were they good enough to win out against these graham-y items? Let's decide in a head-to-head battle of goodness.

Sia's Kind-Of Grammys Performance VS Golden Grahams Cereal

Just like my use of posterity, I'm not really sure what the deal is with Sia hiding her face. I think it's an anxiety thing, which is fine. Homegirl is talented like woah, and we got to see Kristen Wiig prancercise about in a nude leotard. I don't mind. I consider myself a pretty staunch Wiig-let (this is not a thing), so I loved this performance.

Golden Grahams is a down-ass breakfast cereal. It's delicious and tastes like crunchy honey. End of list.

Winner: Grammys, by a thin scrap of nude leotard fabric.

John Mayer Looking Sexy At The Grammys, Against All Odds VS Alexander Graham Bell

LOOKING GOOD, MR @JohnMayer #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/SRAOUmff7U
— John Mayer BR (@johnmayerbr) February 9, 2015

JM is pretty well-rumored to be a bag of ye olde douche, so I usually find myself giving a hard pass to any kind of attraction to him. But last night? Me-ow. He looks like a sexy, non-tenured college professor who's writing a book about rocks in his spare time. Please, and thank you.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and had a boss beard.

Winner: Alexander Graham Bell. I'm not THAT driven by my little lady. Give me a beard hair's breadth of credit.

Sam Smith's Acceptance Speech VS Teddy Grahams

Sam Smith is utterly adorable. And inspirational. I want to carry him around in a baby bjorn and stroke his sweet little pink (face) cheeks.

If you don't like Teddy Grahams, you can just get the hell out of here. They're a delightful snack shaped like a teddy bear. There are few things better.

Winner: Sam Smith holding Teddy Grahams. DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE. IT'S LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE IN THIS BITCH.

Jay Z's Reaction To Kanye's Grammys Tomfoolery VS Grannies

This moment is perhaps my favorite thing that Jay has ever done, and I MF-ing love The Black Album. The range of split-second emotions that we feel right along with him on this journey of horror and awe cannot be matched. It's incredible.

Grannies do dope shit like bake you cookies and give you five dollar bills. Plus, they do that thing where they get their hair done once a week and then sleep standing up to make it last. Grannies are the actual OGs. And kind of vampire-y.

Winner: Grammys. Sorry, grannies. I love you.

Did you watch The Grammys last night? What did you love? Hate? Love to hate? Hate to love? Are there any other combos? (Mmmmm, combos.)



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