The "What's It Like?" Chronicles: Boob Job Edition

before: so much early '00s & after: '10, probs the last time I wore a bra

I don't think I've ever mentioned here that I have fake boobs. I mean, I also have real boobs, but underneath those are fake bag ones. It definitely hasn't been an intentional omission, you know that I'm weirdly transparent about my life. Maybe even too transparent, like Crystal Pepsi. I've just had these ol' puppies for ten years, and I don't ever think about them. I also don't ever wear boob-showy stuff anymore, so much so that I had to dig back four years for this current-ish boob picture.

But this is a blog about me sharing my experiences about beauty-related shit, and this happened in my life and is semi-beauty-ish, so we might as well talk about it. Especially since I have already done a post about what it's like to get Botox. I'm just going to keep chugging along on this cosmetic alterations train. Choo mf-ing choo.

If you don't have two effs to rub together about boobs, or boob-related surgeries, feel completely free to skip all of this hootenany. (Boobenany?)

When people find out I've had a boob job, I usually get my fair share of questions and curiosities, so I've compiled a few of the regular ones. If you have weirder ones, feel free to ask.

Why did you get them? I've always had my fair share of body issues. I can literally remember the minute they started. I was a Freshman in high school, shopping at 5-7-9 with my mom for a Homecoming dress. I put the first one on: a lace, spaghetti-strapped, long, tight navy dress. It was the first time I had ever noticed that I had recently developed hips. And saddle bags. I told my mom that I wasn't coming out of the dressing room because I was fat. She said something to the effect of, "This is what an adult body looks like, so you better get used to it." And I responded with something along the lines of, "Well, I don't like it."

Fast-forward to almost ten years later, and I've decided that having bigger boobs will "even me out" and take care of all of my lower body worries. So, I did it, without very much thought. (Now you see why I have a butterfly tramp stamp. This is how I make major life decisions.)

Did that work? Please. Absolutely not.

Does it hurt? Kind of, for a few days. And it feels weird as shit when you're getting used to having implants. There's a foreign object under your chest muscle, so the first time you do stuff like vacuum or drive IT FEELS CRAZY.

What do they feel like when you touch them? Straight up round ziploc baggies under a boob. I have felt friends' silicone implants (I have saline, which is just salt water), and those feel less ziploc-y.
   
How's life different afterward? Here are a few things that will change, for sure:

• You will never enjoy sleeping on your stomach in the same way again. You can still do it, but it's never, ever the same.
• Bras just fit weird. Either your nipples hang out, or you have a gap between your skin and the cup. True life.
• People will ask you a lot of questions about your boobs. I clearly don't mind, but shy people, be aware.
• You'll have to replace them every 10-ish years. It's past that time for me, but I probably won't swap mine out unless I have problems or it becomes totally necessary. I just don't care enough what they look like anymore. They're saggier now, but what am I, a boob model? (No, I am not.)
• You might have second (and third and fourth) thoughts on your decision. It's not the early 00's anymore, and fake boobs aren't as popular as they were back in my young buck days. Plus, it didn't make me feel any better about myself, like I anticipated. I've thought about getting my implants taken out, but that's just SO MUCH work. And I'm sure I still wouldn't be happy. And I do enjoy not being married to wearing a bra.

 

Here's the bottom line: I really wish that I had just been okay with myself enough to not even worry about having plastic surgery in my early twenties. (I know, I know -- what a trite and annoying way to end this.) But seriously, everyone should just enjoy what they've got and work that shit. This is your damn time. On the other hand, it's your body, so just do what you want with it. If you want surgery, modifications, whatever the hell your deal is, that's cool too. Do you, baby.

Okay, I'm so over talking about myself that I can't even stand it one for second. Can we just talk about Justin Bieber? Or at least someone else's boobs?






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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Cosmetic Acupuncture

I hate needles, man. Unless they are filled with amazing Botulinum toxin (which I sadly haven't gotten in the past couple years), I generally like to stay the hell away from them. So when I heard that I would have SEVERAL needles stuck into my face AT THE SAME TIME and they would all just be hanging out there for a hot-ass minute, I was pretty freaked out.

Watch my latest Allure Insiders video, and see if I was able to keep my cool through the needle-abundant cosmetic acupuncture treatment. Screw you, needles. You pointy little a-holes.



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The WORST Back-To-School Commercial Your Eyes Have Ever Seen

I remember shopping for back-to-school shit being a stressful time. It was such a cluster eff of items to buy, and all you really gave two craps about was getting the best Lisa Frank folders. "So help me, if all of the damn unicorns folders are sold out and I'm stuck here looking at college rule composition notebooks..."

But one thing is for sure when it comes to this trying time of year -- if you need denim, at least four haircuts, backpacks, boots and pants, new shoes, or to get yourself an outfit, you're in luck. East Hills is your one-stop shop in this mofo, clearly. There is literally nowhere else you should even go if you live in St. Joseph, Missouri. I will not allow it.

This is a such a hodgepodge of hot messes that I can't even decipher the very worst part. Is it the Miley Cyrus-esque girl yelling at us about backpacks? The terrified child? The extremely lackluster performance of the boots and pants guy? The haircuts lady actually trying to get a record deal? Someone needs to check on the welfare of the outfit girl, because she looks as if she was coerced into performing with some kind of hostage situation.

I'm sorry, people in this commercial. None of you seem to be willing participants in this amazing piece of art. (Except haircuts.) And I'm sorry for ruining your life by thrusting this upon your senses, anyone reading this.

Good evening to you.

via gawker


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The Best Products To Get Rid Of Gross, Dry Body Skin

Few beauty things are a bigger c-block of a good time than itchy, tight, scaly dry skin. It's terrible, and no one should have to put up with that massive load of bullshit. I have been there, pal, and lived to tell the tales. (Do you remember that commercial from the 90s where homegirl wrote "DRY" on her arm, or something? That's the crap I'm talking about.)

But I have found the solutions to this craptastic beauty problem, and they are vast and varied. So read on, playa, if your skin is feeling extra thirsty.

Best Product for Shiny, Non-Crocodile-y Legs

nivea creme, $7.29 at walgreens

A love for Nivea lotions was passed down to me through my mom, along with my huge-ass forehead. She always had super-shiny, gorgeous legs, slathered to the gills with Nivea. I didn't get her bangin' gams in the genetic lottery (just the 'head), but I did learn that the best way to blaze an eyeball with your legs is with some glossy lotion.

Even more than the Nivea lotion, I friggin' adore Nivea Creme. (Sorry, Mom.) It's so thick and MF-ing indulgent, like putting a marshmallow fluff all over your skin, if that wasn't completely disgusting. And look at the sheen on those legs! I usually reserve this goodness for just lower body areas, pretty much because I like shines on my legs and not anywhere else, but you can use it wherever the hell you want.

Best Overall Getting-Moisturizing-Business-Done Lotion

palmer's cocoa butter, $6.79 at walgreens

Besides the Nivea (and Jergens Natural Glow), this is the only lotion I have ever used consistently.
I will straight boil bunnies if this cocoa butter ever tries to leave me. Okay, I won't, because I effing love bunnies, but I do feel very strongly about this lotion. I've tried a million other lotions, several different cocoa butters, and nothing comes close to this mofo.

If you like smelling like chocolate lite and having skin dripping with moisture (okay, no, gross), you'll love this. And you can buy it at pretty much every store on the planet. It puts the fetch in perfect(h)ion. Whatever. I give up.

Best Anti-Old Lady Hands Hand Cream

ahava mineral hand cream, $23

I've always had the hands of an elderly woman. If that whole "look at a lady's hands to tell her real age" thing is real, I'm royally effed. Also, that crap sounds like some nonsense from the Victorian Age. Anyway, they're just veiny and have the skin texture of a baseball mitt that's caught a bunch of balls hard and been put up wet. It's not cute.

Add to that the fact that I now live in second driest city in America (I googled that, because I research stuff), and you can imagine the state of my paws at this point. I'm at least at an orange on the unfortunate mitts scale. Maybe even orangey-red. Because of this sad sack state of affairs, I've been trying an ass-load of hand creams since I've moved here, and usually I'm all:

I HATE when my hands feel all greased up, like I'm ready to assist in a cow insemination process, or something, and that's the feeling that I get with 99% of hand lotions. So I was digging through a box of beauty products that I've never gotten around to trying, and I found a tube of this Ahava Mineral Hand Cream. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it's from my mom. Maybe someone sent it to me to review (sorry, person, if that's the case), but whoever planted this stuff in my life is my hand guardian angel.
 
It smells like gardenias, which makes me feel like Blanche Devereaux, and that is always a positive in my book. Even better than that, it makes my hands feel like a rich heiress' finest silk blouse and NOT GREASY. Even after I've washed my hands a couple of times, the backs of them are still soft and moisturized. I don't know what kind of magical Care Bear Stare is bottled in this stuff, but I love it.

The one drawback is that this mess is pretty pricey, for sure. But Ulta has it on a buy one, get one half off sale right now (even the travel-sized version for ten baby bills), so that softens the blow (heh) just a tad.

Best Super-Dope Body Oil

shea moisture argan oil & raw shea body oil, $9.99

Body oil is the shit, man. It takes 3 seconds to slather on your body, really brings the moisture, and has a sexual Cleopatra-esque feel to it. Shea Moisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Body Oil is my ride-or-die favorite. I was stuck on coconut oil for a hot minute, but I feel like this concoction is even more moisturizing. It soaks right into your skin like woah, and leaves it feeling like straight butter. The smell is not anything to get excited about, but it's also doesn't make you want to get stabby. You can tolerate it for the oily goodness.

Get on the body oil train, yo. You won't regret that decision, unlike the short-lived stirrup pants revival of '08. That was beyond regretful. And, yes, I totally wore them. Again.

 I'm going to lotion away the memories.

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I Attempted Beauty Extreme Couponing And Kind Of Sucked (With Quick Product Reviews)

Sometimes I have high hopes for myself in life. These are rare bursts of positivity, but they do happen occasionally. Most recently, I decided that I could save shitloads of money on beauty products through couponing. (Yeah, I had just watching that gluttonous terror of a show Extreme Couponing, but whatever.)

So I ripped out a sad sack stack of coupons and went to CVS. They were having a buy one, get one half off sale on a lot of the cosmetics, so I thought I could save more that way. That's how you do these kinds of deals, right? Right???

Well, I effed up right off the bat.

I found the Sally Hansen Color Foil polish that I've been looking for for a couple months, and it was zero percent off with exactly zero coupons. It was $7.79, and I had to have it. I think that you can tell that I'm going to suck a big one at couponing. (Blatant foreshadowing alert.)

Before I move on to my other coupon happenings, let's talk about this polish. Basically, I wanted a unicorn, and I got a horse with wearing a party hat. Which is still cool and shit, just not slap-someone-across-the-face-with-white-satin-gloves-due-to-excitement cool. I really wanted this polish to be ridiculously shiny. Like, I could catch light and sear people's eyeballs with my nail beds, shiny. Maybe even do it to myself accidentally, then be forced to wear a badass eyepatch, like I've always wanted. That didn't happen. It's pretty much a touch shinier than the Revlon Top Speed Polish in Sterling.

But here's the bigger issue -- because the instructions tell you not to use a base or top coat, this shit is already scratched. And I painted my nails, like, three hours ago. But, it did dry really friggin' fast.

Don't get it twisted after all of my light-to-moderate bitching, I still like the polish, and will totally use it. Just don't expect to cry tears of joy when you see our wedding announcement in the New York Times. I probably won't even send it a Garfield valentine.

Now let's get back to the point of this whole freaking post. I DID actually end up using a couple coupons. I had a $1 off any Maybelline lip product, so I went with the Maybelline Sensational Lipcolor in  Deepest Cherry, which was $7.99 originally. After the coupon and $1.50 in Extra Care bucks I had, the final price came to $5.49. Meh. 

I was actually pleasantly surprised with the texture of this lipstick. It's creamy and moisturizing, but not feather-y, and it doesn't wear off in a weird and blotchy way, but the pigmentation is pretty mediocre. When I picked the shade, I was expecting a deep-ass wine-y/black cherry/(Ron) burgundy color, and when applied, it's more of a berry/raisin/sangria. I'm not mad at it, but, once again, I'm not filled with a burning lust. It's nice. It's fine. Whatever.

All of the Maybelline cosmetics were part of that whole buy one, get one half off sale that I was blathering on about earlier, so I still had to pick another product. I also had a $3 off any Maybelline Dream something-or-other product, so I grabbed the Maybelline Dream Bouncy Blush in Peach Satin, which had a retail price of $7.79. So, after the 50% off thing and the coupon, I paid $.89 for this mofo. Yay-ish!

I like this stuff. I'm not a cream blush connoisseur, due to my oily gross-assness, but this has more of a gel-like texture. It wears well, and didn't make my skin feel significantly more like a greasy bag o' french fries. The color choices are pretty, and it's easy to apply: just dab it on with one of your digits, and go fly a kite or something, I don't know your life. The biggest drawback is that, after using it just once, I feel like I have already used a lot of the product. The dome-y part is already indented, so it's not going to last a hella long time at this rate. Be warned, at al.

Here's the bottom line of my non-extreme couponing non-extravaganza -- I saved $9.40 and spent about $20 on a measly-ass three items. File that shit under "not impressive" in your filing cabinet, and lock it up tight. The sad thing is that I also had a couple of Rimmel coupons, but I only wanted some of those badass Kate Moss lipsticks, and those weren't included. I also had a L'Oreal coupon that I found crumpled up in the bottom of my purse when I got home. So, I clearly I'm the actual worst at trying to be fiscally responsible, and I won't be quitting my day job. If I had a real, adult-like, full-time day job. Iyanla, fix my damn life.




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Try Not To Throw Out Your Back From Laughing News: Farrah Abraham Is Stripping, But Only For Research

pic via farrah's instagram

I know that you have probably writing in your diary every night, just pondering on what Farrah Abraham has been up to lately. Especially since the news broke that Teen Mom, OG edition is coming back to MTV, sans the Abe. Well, here's the short answer -- she's now working at an Austin strip club called Palazio Gentlemen's Club. (People of Austin, go to there and report back. Actually, don't. I think we all know what's doing in that bitch.) But you can quit side-eyeing her in your rude ass head, BECAUSE IT'S ONLY FOR TOP SECRET RESEARCH, YOU D-HOLES. She told E! News:

"A friend of mine works there and I'm researching. I've been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman's club, including cocktailing and dancing. There's management and there's cooking too. It's job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that's what I'm doing. It's how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I'm not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I'm interested in hearing all the women's stories. And while I'm doing it, I'm getting paid. I'm getting paid to play a role and get informed."

So, not only is she stripper-shadowing, she'll be cooking chicken fingers with gourmet dipping sauces (I'm only assuming) up in the club? Let me know when that nevergoingtohappenthing happens. I'll be holding my damn breath. Is anyone CPR certified?

Homie, you can seriously quit playing game with our hearts, because we don't believe all of that silly effery. Breaking news, Fare Bear: no one gives a shit if you want to be a STRIPPER stripper. It's fine. Live your damn life and do what you want. Except making music. Please never, ever do THAT again.




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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-Themed Video Roundup That You've Always (Never) Wanted

Did you go see the TMNT movie this weekend? I didn't, because I'm a grown ass woman and too old for that shit. But because of the release, there have been a plethora of ninja turtle-related videos being passed around like a tray of the cheesiest of cheesy hors d'oeuvres.

Let's dive right in, first with some live action (action) from the OG-ish turtles on Oprah's show. Get ready for a cheese-splosion.



This is from 1990, but if you said it was from 1890, I'd be inclined to believe you. Damn, technology, you've come a long way in...almost 25 years. Shit, I'm old.

This whole bit looked like a rejected skit from Chuck E Cheese. The kids' faces in the audience spoke volumes.

They're like, "I'm only here because my mom wanted to take a day off work. I wish I was in computer lab playing Oregon Trail. This is some straight bullshit."

This entire video gave me adjacent-embarrassment issues. Oprah, you've come a long way, baby. And one of those guys in the turtle suits (sorry, did I ruin the illusion?) went on the be Brad Pitt. (No, he didn't.)

Speaking of embarrassment, poor Vanilla Ice.



Not only is he starring in a Kraft Macaroni & Cheese commercial, he's playing himself as a current-day stock boy. On one hand, I feel like I wrote this commercial. On the other, times are tough. If this is Ice's real life situation, hook me up with a job, bro. I'll bring in my resume.

With VI's "Go, Ninja, go" moment in mind, let's watch the most adorable TMNT video that's ever been made.



If the real movies contained buckets of fat and sleepy pugs, I would be there on MF-ing opening night. With a jumbo popcorn and Twizzler straw for my drink.

me, trying to get the last piece of popcorn

You're welcome for inserting "Go, Ninja, go, Ninja, go," deeeeply into your brain areas. Send your hate mail directly to me c/o Vanilla Ice, because he'll probably be my shift manager at my new job.




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