Aubrey Plaza Makes Us All Want Ring Pops To Add Life Drama

Ring Pop! - watch more funny videos

This video really has everything that I need in life: Aubrey Plaza's unconventionally dark weirdness, rock candy masquerading as crack rock, love triangles, and fanny packs. It's Ring Pop-levels of perfect.

I want THEM ALL.

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Zac Efron Got Into Fisticuffs With Some Homeless Dudes, Let's Infer What The Hell He Was Doing.

nice shark tooth, bud.

Whaddup with, Zac Efron? Stuff's been kind of shady ass with Zac lately, from that weird broken jaw story to now this new shit from TMZ, where Effie got into a legit street fight with three men sans houses. Here's the maybe story:

We're told cops were on patrol under the Harbor Freeway when they saw Zac and a man he identified as his bodyguard.  Cops saw Zac and the other guy in a full-blown melee with at least 3 other people. 

After breaking up the fight, cops questioned Zac. He told them they had run out of gas and were sitting in the car.  Zac said while waiting for a tow truck they threw a bottle out the window -- he never said what was in the bottle -- and it smashed on the pavement near a group of transients.

Zac said the transients confronted him and the bodyguard because they believed the pair hurled the bottle at them. Zac says 2 of the transients attacked the bodyguard and when Zac got out of the car to help, he got cold cocked in the mouth. Zac said, "It was the hardest I've ever been hit in my life."

Erm, okay. That story sounds like some complete and utter bullshit. So instead of scooping that faux knowledge into our innocent brains, let's make up what might have been going on in this enigma-filled situation. (Beyond the obvious late night hoodrat activities that are pretty likely.)

He was practicing for his newly-formed street gang.

Level of Probability: 10. Please, if you don't want to be in a dancing street gang, then you can get the hell out of here.

He wanted to finish watching Frozen in the car before he got home, and the homeless dudes hate "Let it Go."

 
Level of Probability: 8. "Let it Go" is super annoying.

He was trying to make a Mentos/Diet Coke bottle rocket for his science project, and it totally sucked.

Level of Probability: 6. That hypothesis was way off.

His sea monkey colony quit that bitch and jumped out the window.

Level of Probability: Unknown. I wasn't allow to have sea monkeys, so I really can't judge their lifestyle choices.

He wanted the guys to read him Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark for a bedtime story, but those dudes were more Goosebumps fans.

Level of Probability: 7. It's a personal preference. I totally get it.

He thought the transient men were vampires, so he was donating his blood.

Level of Probability: 4. Generosity killed the cat, or something.

They were all playing a rousing game of Hungry Hungry Hippos together and shit got heated.

Level of Probability: 8. One dude was totally hogging the pink one. You know it.

Okay, I'm all out of ideas. My brain is in shambles. What do you guys think happened?

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FYI: My All-Time Favorite Acne Treatment Is Now Available At Sephora

now available at sephora for $39.50!

I'm super excited for the faces of the world today. Well, the acne-prone ones (like my ass), anyway. MY RIDE-OR-DIE, MOST FAVORITE, UNICORN RAINBOW BABY ACNE TREATMENT IS NOW AVAILABLE AT SEPHORA. I'm talking about my homie CLEAROGEN, which I have told your brains about before, and how damn much I love it. I won't be boring and reiterate every friggin' thing I already told you, but I wanted to share this awesome news.

CLEAROGEN actually sent me one of these new kits (they're a little smaller and cheaper than the doctor-sold OG version), and the prods are exactly the same. Just different packaging.  

And I'm not just blowing smoke up your no no's about this stuff. My skin has been an absolute terror, like stuff that dermatologist's nightmares are made from, since I've moved to Arizona. I finally got my proverbial shit together and re-introduced CLEAROGEN back into by life, and my skin has gotten much, much better. I'll do a longer post on everything I've been doing later.

If you're one of my fellow acne-ridden sisters or bro bros, go check this more affordable ($39.50) option at Sephora. Yesssssss. Let's all slather it on together and say, "Bye, bitch," to our acne.

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Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday: Bieber Edition

The word on the street (yes, I just watched Real Housewives of New York) is that Biebs might be the future bod (gross) of Calvin Klein underwear, or maybe he just wants to be. For one of those possible reasons unknown to good damn common sense, he posted these pictures of himself topless as a newborn baby today on his Instagram account.

via jb's instagram

Listen, JB. I know you just got out of Grade 7 (he's Canadian) science lab, or whatever, but this is what a Calvin Klein underwear model looks like.

Now that your eyeballs have soaked all of this up, you can take 5-7 seats, Baby Bieb Bieb. But all is not lost. You have landed the 2,398,403,280 place runner's up gig: TITS OUT FOR THE BOYS TUESDAY!

Now go cover up.


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Drugstore Beauty: A Sassy Ass Spring Refresher For Just $20

It's officially Spring, you guys. So that means it's time to get our beauty shit so fresh and so clean, clean. But mostly just fresh.

With seasonal changes, I usually like to get some of that new new to spruce up my makeup flair, but due to broke ass-inducing circumstances like having to pay boring taxes and one of my dogs having to have double knee surgery, that cash flow game is pretty damn tight. So I decided to try to keep it affordable and spend $20 at the drugstore, just to find a few key things to help Stella get her groove back on the cheap.

This is seriously the state of one of my local drugstore beauty aisles. Was there a zombie apocalypse involving shitloads of liquid eyeliner and I was completely unaware? And if you wanted to buy a mascara here, you had to go get a clerk to unlock a anti-theft deal to get to it. Is mascara now pots o' gold? Am I unwittingly living on Riker's Island? Too much, drugstore. Too much. Regardless of what kind of effery was going on, as you can see I effectively spent my twenty dollars. Plus a couple of extra dollars. Whatever. I'm no Suze Orman. Here's what I ending up getting:

The one thing that I knew I wanted to get this Spring was an orange-y hued lipstick. Every beauty publication in the universe (seriously, google it) is saying that this is THE COLOR YOU MUST HAVE ON YOUR LIPS OR YOU'LL DIE OR SOMETHING, so who am I to buck the system? I also knew I wanted to get something matte, because that's my deal, so I was delighted to find the bright orange (with a touch of red) NYX Matte Lipstick in Indie Flick. It's a damn dream.

Because I wanted to keep the focus on that bangin' ass lip color, I wanted to keep the rest of my face as neutral as Switzerland (or Sweden if you're Jessica Alba). I've been dying to try the Maybelline Color Tattoo Dare to Go Nude Collection, so I settled on Sleek & Spice, which is a taupe with a dab of metallics. This isn't my first go-round with Color Tattoo shadows. I really love them because they're a gel-like texture, but DO NOT CREASE like a pair of linen pants at a Southern wedding. They're great. And you can layer them with powder shadows. Get on this train.

I next found the adorable cobalt blue turban/headband thing, and my day was made. I have roughly two billion of these because they cover a multitude of unfortunate circumstances, like my huge forehead and dirty hair. I hoard these things. I'm kind of like Brett Michaels and his bandanas about it.

Once I got that little guy, I was kind of on the blue kick, even though I am not a matcher in any part of my life. Either way, I fell in love with, not a stripper, but this Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Pacific Blue polish. It's GD lovely. Bonus: I only used one coat and it was completely opaque. Yay for lazy enabling!

Here's the finished product of my Spring-y reboot.

I'm super happy with how I spent my twenty spot. I would have probably just spent it on brokedown mall gumball machines anyway. What are you guys craving for Springtime beauty stuffs? Tell me what else I can buy.

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New Favorite Mofo Friday: Shailene Woodley Wants Us To Be Pregnant With The World

pic via people

Because I'm solidly an old person now, I never really knew who this Shailene Woodley person was. I pretty much thought she was that one girl from 90210. But apparently I have been way, way missing out on a kooky bitch, and I LOVE A KOOKY BITCH. (And I don't mean that in the sense of having a p-word, every human's a b. I'm like Jesse Pinkman in that way.)

I kind had an inkling that homegirl was a little interesting when I read somewhere a while back that she likes to forage for food, and eats shit she finds on the side of the road, like she's on an episode of GD Extreme Cheapskates. 

But if that didn't pique my interest enough, she sure as eff has my attention now. Shailene was giving an assload of interesting factoids about her perfect weirdness the other night at the premiere of that Divergent movie. Here are a couple of the finer points:

• “I like to … give my vagina a little vitamin D … If you’re feeling depleted, go in the sun for an hour and see how much energy you get. Or, if you live in a place that has heavy winters, when the sun finally comes out, spread your legs and get some sunshine.” GO OUTSIDE AND SUN YOUR NO NOs. Maybe with one of those foldy tinfoil-y things under it, like you're an asshole villian guy in an 80s summer-themed movie!

• On her favorite beauty tip: “Get in a bath and look at your body and be like, ‘Wow, thank you so much for hosting my mind and my heart,’ like as women you know, and also be pregnant with the world. I think that’s really beautiful beauty advice, like, close your eyes and think about all of the other women out there who aren’t in positions to be on a red carpet in Hollywood tonight enjoying this beautiful weather and all of these beautiful smiles and put those women in your womb and be pregnant with them and send them love.” I don't really want to be pregnant with anything, EXCEPT ALL OF THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD.

Celebrities should probably just stop giving interviews, because no one can ever say anything weirder than that. I LOVE THIS GIRL.

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Cops Are Looking For St. Patrick's Day Freak-A-Leeks That Were Doing The Deed Behind A Dunkin' Donuts Dumpster

photo via uproxx

Now that this year's St. Paddy's day is in the history books, we can all sit and ruminate on our regrets of the holiday. What happened? What did you do? NEVERMIND, DON'T TELL ME, BECAUSE IT'S PROBABLY DOESN'T INVOLVE DOING SHIT BEHIND A FAST FOOD DUMPSTER, SO WHO EVEN CARES?

Uproxx has given us a modern-day love story about how the poe-lease are looking for this sexually sophisticated (who am I to judge) couple that were caught getting dumpster crunk on numerous Instagram accounts (and videos, which I didn't want to post, because there's, like, .4 seconds of a possible front 'gine shot, and your workplace might lightly frown upon that). I covered the faces of these two romantics, on the off chance that this is one of your freaky ass asses. If so, kudos.

That's probably the most interesting thing that ever happened to someone wearing a pair of (hopefully pleated) Old Navy khakis.

Oh, and maybe turn yourself in. Being on the lam is probably a major life c-block. Plus, you'll need to put this on your resume, and no one will believe it's legit if your criminal records don't match up.




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