GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Trojan Condoms' Commercial Is Letting Us Know That Old People Are Doing It

Haven't felt like you wanted to vomit nearly enough today? This should solve that.



Well, my uterus just shriveled up and died like a Craisin, so there's that. My brain knows, deep in its recesses, that oldies occasionally get freaky. But, my eyeballs and ear holes don't need that data.

via realitytvgifs

Thanks, Trojan. I'm barren.






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Black Cat, An Essay

I've decided to start trying to diversify my shit, and attempt to write various kinds of things. Today I wrote my first essay, just to kind of see if I could, and if I had anything to write about. It's a memoir, of sorts, about an Elementary School-aged me, and this song:



The essay is after the jump if you care to indulge, and if not, that's cool too. It's totally acceptable if you're here to talk about lipstick and Justin Bieber. Don't worry, I'm still doing that. I probably won't post more of these essays here, but I thought I would go ahead and post this shit because it's the first one and, whatever, I do what I want.

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Quick Sh*t: Watch Vin Diesel Lip Synching To Katy Perry And Dancing To Beyoncé All By His Lonesome. In Cargo Shorts. #Surfboard

Post by Vin Diesel.

If that didn't make you feel uncomfortable, then you are probably Superman, and therefore, invincible. Congratulations.

P.S. I see that Vin is still trying to make tank tops and camo cargo shorts happen, like it's 2004 all over again. Yay?


via Vin's Facebook page


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Let Us All Collectively Scream, "NOOOOOO," Because Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Are, Like, Really Together.

pic via us weekly

You literally CANNOT tell me that the picture above doesn't look like a scary, sun-weathered hobo abducting a beautiful, unicorn-riding princess. It's actually impossible. Your brain-to-mouth waves won't allow you to live a lie like that.

I've been living in a deep hole (heh) of denial for the past couple of weeks, hoping against hope that the rumblings of these two sitting in a tree were all a big fat lies. But there's no denying that it's true now. Thanks a bunch, US Weekly.

This is terrible news, you guys. If an expired bag of beef jerky, left out in the sun for seven months can find themselves with a stunning alien queen of a human, then what else is possible? I just googled "are monsters real," just to make sure I'm not living in a world that's gone mad. I'm not even the only one wondering. Or maybe it's just opposite day? (month? life?) I can't deal with this world if this is real, real.

via realitytvgifs

Bottoms up, b*tches.




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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Will Smith, For Having a Chico's Kind Of Day At A Grammys After-Party

While skimming this article over at BuzzFeed, I came across this photo of Will Smith at a Grammys after-party:

pic via buzzfeed

What. The. Eff. Is. Happening. Here? This looks just like an outfit that your Auntie Paula, who is a middle school receptionist with this haircut, would wear with some kicky clogs to work because, TGIF. Or maybe an ensemble a woman who is going on a first date post-divorce with a nice manager of a local Honda dealership that she met on Plenty of Fish would put together. This is not an outfit that a man wears to A GRAMMY EFFING PARTY.

Stella needs to get her groove back.





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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure

I've got some new new going with Allure: slideshows! Here's my first one, and it involves boss books from our youth and the bad b*tch beauty looks that they inspire. It's entitled "Beauty Book Club: Inspiration From Your Favorite Childhood Reads," and you can check that sh*t here.



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Get Your Asses In Gear, It's Already That Time -- Allure Beauty Blogger Awards 2014 Has Begun!

you too can creepily take pics of andre leon talley! plus, products for dayzzzzz.

I seriously CANNOT believe that it is already time for the Allure Beauty Blogger Award (version 2014) once again. That means it has been a solid two years since my raggedy ass decided to submit myself, and that is completely mind boggling (bloggering? zing!) to me. Entering, and then winning, this contest has been the actual highlight of my life, and I really can't even tell you enough how all of you mean mugs should enter if you fancy yourself a beauty blogger.

The process to enter is very easy, or you know that my lazy ass wouldn't have even attempted. And if you're all, "I'm not even that great of a blogger. Why bother? Pshhhaw on all of this," I say to you...



Put yourself out there. Give that sh*t a shot. At worst, nothing comes of it. At best, you have THE BEST EFFING EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE. I got to do things that I never could have even dreamed of in 2.3 million years, seriously. Go over to Allure right this second and check out all of the details on the contest this year.

I love you all dearly, and I only want the best for all of your damn lives, so do you and go do this. That's as close to a motivational message that you'll ever get from my old, crotchety ass. Now, get off my lawn!








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