The Best Beauty Unicorns You Could Possibly Buy For Under $13

Thirteen is a random ass number to choose, I'm super aware. I wanted to try to keep this sh*t under $10, but there are some products that I really wanted to include, and they were a teensy bit over the ten spot mark. Get off my jock; I do what I want.

The Best Products to Get Those Peepers Poppin' Off Like Champagne Bottles.

You guys will have non mf-ing factor levels of surprise when I tell you that Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow & Eye Pencils in Blonde (drugstore.com, $2.99 for two pack) is my number one pick. I literally talk about these things all the time. People are like, "Hey Sex, what time is it?" And I'm all, "You really should try these Maybelline brow pencils, then your brows will always be on time." ZING! (With bonus points for a light Ashanti/Ja Rule reference.)

I recommend blonde to every-damn-body, regardless of hair color, then darkening up with eyeshadow or brow powder if necessary. The only exception are m'ladies with darker skin tones. Opt for one of the slightly darker pencils in that case.

Runner Up: I am creeper-levels into the new L'Oreal Paris Voluminous Butterfly Mascara (Target, $7.99). It's like my old school homegirl L'Oreal Voluminous on 'roids. Try it. It's the sauciest minx.

Bonus Bonus: Jesus take the wheel, I can't stop telling you about eye stuffs. I have to mention the SEPHORA COLLECTION Waterproof Smoky Cream Liner (Sephora, $12), or I would be the queen of the b-words and a total liar face. This is the PERFECT formula for that annoying ass waterline lining, and the price is right, beyotch.

Skin as Smooth as Silk in This Mean Mug.
 

There are few things that I love more than a sumptuous ass body oil that doesn't smell like an infant, and SheaMoisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Bath, Body & Massage Oil (Target, $10.29) beyond fits the bill. It's really, really moisturizing and smells like a freshly-bathed hippie.

That's one of the positives of this stuff, just in case it was unclear.

Runner Up: If I need even MORE moisture on my skin organ (bleh), I always use Palmer's Cocoa Butter (CVS, $6.29). ALWAYS. It's like butter in a bottle that smells vaguely chocolatey. Like you've been frolicking along the Willy Wonka chocolate river, and somehow your skin has been replaced by the velvet from Violet's dress.

The BEST Bad B Nail Polish.

If you are ever feeling slightly blah-like, Floss Gloss in Stun (Floss Gloss, $8) on your finger guns is the cure. It's like a disco ball got it on with the yellow brick road. There is not a better glitter polish in this galaxy. Trust.

Runner Up: Whenever I'm feeling like Lil' Kim circa 1997 and I need my fingernails to match my mood, I get all up on Wicked from Essie (Essie, $8.50). It's a really deep and dark burgundy that gives zero effs about anything. For badasses only.

Give Yourself a Clean Slate.

Just in case you didn't get the latest newsletter from Lazies News of The World, I'm crazy lazy. Because of this character weakness, I really love to use Koh Gen Do Cleansing Spa Water (Sephora, $13) to clean up the mess that is my day's makeup after it's curtains on the day. This stuff is insanely gentle on your skin and causes exactly 0.0000 irritation. It's for the times I can't really be held responsible for actually washing my face like an actual adult.

Runner Up: When it comes to cleansing face wipes, I'm really about that Burt's Bees Facial Cleansing Towelettes with White Tea Extract (Drugstore.com, $4.49) life. They get the job done while being gentle as baby cherub wing kisses.

Getting a Whole Lotta Lip Service.

If bold and beautiful lips are your goal in life, then CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Spellbound (Drugstore.com, $7.49) needs to get in your makeup bag, STAT. It's the kind of lip color that people will stop you mid-brunched out mimosa sip and ask you where the hell you got that lipstick.

Runner Up: Looking for the lip equivalent of a hot pair of nude heels? Then you really need to get on the L'Oreal Colour Riche in Sheer Linen (Target, $7.99) bandwagon. (Surely, one exists.) It's moisturizing as eff, while giving you that whole "your lips, but better" deal.

Now go enjoy getting your beauty on for the cheapness, and save that change in your pocket for more wine times.

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Let's Talk About This New Lana Del Rey "Tropico" Ish

Warning: NSFW due to things like boobies and roughly 10 million effs, but life is kind of NSFW, offices of America. Revolt! (I'm just getting you prepared for the high drama.)

Warning #2: This mess is 30 minutes long, so get comfortable. Or break it up into segments to watch during your pee pee times.



That was a long ass haul, but I happened to watch all of it, and I don't watch all of much. The first scene featured a unicorn, so did I even have a frigging choice in this matter? If you are too time-cheap to invest 30 minutes into watching, here's the Cliff's Notes version:

Lana and a little skinny guy, who I'm guessing is an H&M model, or something, are in the Garden of Eden wearing my Halloween costume from 2002. (This is not a lie. I wish I had a picture.) They're joined by Faux-arilyn Monroe, Fake-lvis and Non-John Wayne. Oh, and Jesus. Jesus is there. Lana takes a bite of the proverbial forbidden fruit, or whatever, and...scene.

She's now a stripper in a club with fire hazard-ly low ceilings, and HAS TEARDROP TATTOOS on her face, which happen to be my favorite accessory.

There's probably a late 90's Ice Cube song playing in this place. Skinny model guy works at some low-rent store where shirtless dudes come in and do possible crank/angel dust/something I don't even know about from the front counter. He also points plungers around like a fake gun. Sometimes Lana sits on the low-rent store's counter in oversized t-shirts, BECAUSE JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A STRIPPER DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S SLUTTY. Skinny's probably getting a raise soon. At some point a Day of the Dead party is attended. A robbery of boring old white men (some with Brad-Pitt-circa-1997-highlights) is planned, using the ol' stripper/armed robbery switcharoo.

Next we find Skinny and Lana in a Bonnie and Clyde-esque car driving through a field, while Lana discards the old parts of their former thug life, ending with her taking off the black chiffon thingy she's wearing. Now they're wearing white, because they're now dead/innocent again. OBVIOUSLY. But don't worry, the tattoo tear drops are still kicking it and staying alive, unlike them. There's wheat field dancing, water play (not peeing though), and finally ascending to heaven, or Non-John Wayne's rifle storage shed. I'm not really sure.

Overall, I was pretty, pretty into this hootenanny. I know some people are not jumping on the LDR train, but I happen to have bought a round trip ticket with no refunds. Not to mention, this mini movie featured her song "Gods and Monsters," and that just happens to be my sh*t.

Judge me if you feel the need, PHAEDRA. What did you guys think? Like/hate/meh? Too long to watch, even for teardrop tattoos? (You need to re-evaluate your priorities.)








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Get The Most Out Of That Damn DIY Mani

My life is so effing hard. I really enjoy having beautiful/well-manicured nails, but I can't afford to get professional manis, and I hate taking the time to do that sh*t myself, just to have those mofos chip in 37 minutes. Eff you, nail chips. You're a d*ck.

Don't you worry your beautiful little angel fish face about this, though. Over my years, upon years of working against the man (AKA terrible manicures), I have developed a system that allows nails to be not-so-the-worst. (Yay?)

Keep That Sh*t Fresh to Death.

One of the world's biggest c-blocks to a lasting manicure is oil on your nails that cause premature polish chip-ilation (see what I did there?). The easiest way to wipe out that problematic nonsense is to give your claws the ol' cotton ball swipe with acetone. It will zap the oils from your nails, leaving those b*tches primed and ready for polishing.

Tip: Make this the last step before you start mani-ing. (Don't wash your hands, put on lotion, pet a rapid howler monkey after.)

Get Your Coats Right.

Have you seen the sign? Lasting manicures should start with a(n Ace of) base coat and end with a top coat. After the above acetone wipe, apply a base coat, followed by watching a couple minutes of the Real Housewives franchise of your choice. Then go to town, painting on two coats of your chosen polish. Watch a few more minutes of NeNe Leakes giving it to somebody, then finish off with the top coat, making sure you get that top edge of your nail, just to seal that mess in right. Get it right, get it tight, as instructed by Bubba Sparxxx.

Tip: To help your nails dry faster, run them under really cold water after they've dried a bit.

Cuticle Oil? More Like Beautiful Oil.

creative nail design solar oil, $7.59 (drugstore.com)

I love cuticle oil, man. Not only does it keep your cuticles conditioned, but it also keeps your manicure looking all shiny and sh*t. This CND bad b is my favorite of the cuticle oils, but you can even use olive oil, if that cheap tip is more your style.

Stick It Real Good.

There is one sure-fire way to avoid a chipped ass mani at all costs -- NAIL STICKERS. When they start getting weird and peel-y like, you can peel the stickers off and be on to the next one. Suck at nail art, but want to be a fancy ass? NAIL STICKERS! Hate waiting for polish to dry because you're impatient? NAIL STICKERS, MOFO! You get the idea.

Tip: For best staying power, start with the acetone wipe from the jump off.

Now, go, get out of here! Off to the wild you go, with a hot ass, lasting manicure.

I'll see you kids later.



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Drunk Blogging: Let's Talk About Our T-Gives Weekend

I discovered something about myself this weekend, that I've been suspecting about myself for a time -- I'm a semi f*cking hermit. I like to post myself up in my house and do things like binge-watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and read a sh*t ton of books. This isn't just me trying to be Little Edie-esque. I don't like raccoons that much.

please go watch grey gardens, if you've yet to do so.

I'm apparently kind of a loner. I'm really only telling you this because I've been drinking a little. I have/had friends, and I occasionally have people invite me to do sh*t with them, but I usually don't follow through. I don't even know why. I like hanging out with people for the most part, but sometimes I like books/Lifetime Movie Network/Discovery ID better. Does that make me a horrible person? Needless to say, I spent most of the times that encompass Thanksgiving weekend (so far) reading and watching TV.

via reality tv gifs

I'm not really sure if I'm a sad ass human specimen or kind of semi-normal. Now I'm just getting weird and esoteric. You guys tell me about your Thanksgiving times. I feel awkward.

Currently listening to:







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25 Things I Would Rather Do Than Partake In Black Friday

I just can't with Black Friday, you guys. Maybe it's because I've worked a lot of them. Maybe it's because I have internet access, a couch and zero effs to give. All I know is that THIS is not on my agenda in life.



I can't believe that no one scooped up that Sponge Bob onsie, yet.

So instead for being involved in that anarchy, I'm here, telling you the 25 things I would gladly do rather than be inside a retail establishment today.

1. Abstain from petting and/or looking at pictures of puppies all day.



2. Watch a Two And A Half Men marathon.
3. Not eat bacon.
4. Get a tight, tight spiral perm.

5. Re-paint an apartment that I'm vacating.
6. Diligently shop online for a 1987 Cathy Calendar. Ack, all the way around.

7. Touch a possum's (opossum if you're fancy) tail.
8.  Go on a "date" with Dustin Diamond.

9. Return something to Ikea.
10. Eat a sh*tload of canned English peas.
11. Listen to Michael Bolton's "When a Man Loves a Women" on repeat.

12. Figure out what the eff that jelly sh*t is inside a fruit cake.
13. Read Yahoo Answers...answers.

14. Perfect the dark brown lip liner/frosted white lipstick combo look.
15. Have Glamour Shots taken with Richard Simmons.
16. Hang on a Teeters Hang Ups.
17. Hit up the Golden Corral chocolate fountain with Tonya Harding.

18. Put together an intricate, to-scale model of one of Beyoncé's summer homes.
19. Get into a twitter war with Tara Reid.
20. Make an ass ton of non-alcoholic Jello Jigglers.

21. Hang out at a Chess King with Stefan Urquelle.
22. Decorate oversized Hane's t-shirts with puffy-painted squiggly lines.
23. Churn butter.
24. Watch middle schoolers' YouTube videos.
25. This:

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Jennifer Love Hewitt Had Her Baby, Named It Something Not Really Annoying, And Kept A Secret. (Hold For Applause)

pic via usweekly

I'm pretty f*cking proud of the Hews, man. Not only did she just pop out that baby child (which is apparently a girl type) yesterday, but she also had a SECRET WEDDING (which, let's be honest, are the only fun kind) AND DIDN'T EFFING TALK ABOUT IT.

This might not sound like a big deal for the average human being, but we're talking about Jennifer Love Hewitt, here. Homegirl can't NOT talk everything that happens to her every damn hot second, so this is insanely huge for her. Plus, I haven't heard about the bedazzled status of her lady loins, so I guess we're on an upswing.

JLH also named her kid Autumn James, which is actually not a horrific name. Because let's be honest, these are some terrible baby naming times happening right now on this planet. From the time that I read this article on BuzzFeed a few weeks ago, crazy baby names have been haunting my brain waves, and it's all due to this picture:

While I'm sure you might think that Nayvie is super adorable while your child wears bows on their head that are bigger than Lichtenstein and glitter tutus, Nayvie is not the name of an adult person that's a tort law attorney. Or a bank teller. Or a pharmacy technician. Or just a 53 year old human. C'mon humanity, let's get it together for the future office workers (or even unemployed people, I don't give an eff) of 2045.

Bottom line? Congrats, J Love. You behaved like an adult with a semi-plan! So...

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If You Only Watch One Internet Video This Week, Make It This One - Seth Rogen And James Franco Recreate That "Bound 2" Kimye Vid

Warning: There's an eff in this, and lots of squinching and man racks. In other words, it's perfect.



This sh*t is absolutely flawless, and I won't eff it up with too much commentary.

You win, boys. You win.





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