Eff Your Twerking, Miley Cyrus. This is the Real Sh*t.

No, not the part I'm about to show your asses. The good good is in a minute. But for a reference point, I first have to share something of myself. I'm a twerker lite. (Does MTV still make those True Life shows?) And because I knew you b's would be all "whaaaa...." I made a very short video of lite twerk.

I'm clearly not on an effing twerk team, or any cool ish like that, but I like to fancy myself at least a decent judge of said twerk. And by now you've all seen Mi Cy's gangly ass twerk vid. That mess ain't NOTHING compared to these dudes' mad, mad skills.


via buzzfeed

That head boo can WERQ DAT AZZ, man. Why can't I be a gay man wearing a loin-cloth-type-garment from Brazil? Life's so unfair. And I'm going on a diet. I need to fit into mama's twerkin' shorty shorts by summer. (Dammit, I'm eating nachos.)

P.S. Try not to give me TOO much sh*t for my skills. I'm a middle-aged woman. Be kind to your elders.






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Random Homie: Skin Authority VitaD Fortified Illuminating Duo

skin authority vita d fortified illuminating duo, $79

I recently read an article (Shut up, I sometimes do crap like that.), that said a huge amount of Americans are Vitamin D deficient. And I'm Maury style -- 99.9% sure -- that I am one of those b's, because this is me:

Yeah, I hate being outside. And the sun. And the whole smell of outside, especially the smell of people when they've been outside, and then they come inside and smell weird. It's gross. So that's why I jumped at the chance to try Skin Authority's VitaD Fortified Illuminating Duo when they asked if I wanted to sample it. This kit is super cool, and different than anything on the market, because it consists of topical and supplemental treatments. Here's a little info on the system.



I really love this crap, because IT'S SO FRIGGIN' EASY. The topical elixir is my damn jam because it's not oily -- at all. Yeeaaaas. Finally, a topical treatment that does something badass and doesn't make my face a disgusting oil slick. The supplement is a powder in a shaker, so you just sprinkle it on your food. Vitamin D needs fat for your body to use it, so the shaker is a perfect way to just add it to your food and your body to actually absorb it (or whatever).

Since I've started using these little numbers, I feel like my skin definitely looks brighter and more clear. Plus, in one of my college classes we had a nutrition expert tell us that most vitamin pills can't be broken down in the body, and you just (you know) them out. So I feel like the powdered vitamins are the way to go. And don't worry, you can't taste that ish. Sprinkle it up, b's!

I love that cat so much. He's such an a-hole. I know that this kit is on the spendy side, but if you really are Vitamin D deficient, then this ish needs to be your new boo thang. Check out more deets on the Skin Authority VitaD Fortified Illuminating Duo here.



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How To Not Be Super Boring In Your Hand Area, Even If You Can't Do That Nail Art Sh*t.

To be realzzz with you, I'm super surprised that the whole nail art trend mess is still going down. It's not really something that most peeps can do with their own two hands, and it's been going on for way longer than a hot ass minute. But just because you aren't sponge painting ice cream cones onto your pinkie nails, doesn't mean you have to succumb to having your paws take the next train to Blahsville. Try these easy, and MUCH lazier ways of having an exciting mani.

Be like Mariah, and let that ish Glitter.

stun & dimepiece from floss gloss ($8 each)

I have straight up (now tell me) been on Floss Gloss' junk for a while now, and that's because their ish is the boss. Especially the glitter polishes, which are 100% opaque after two coats. This is no willy nilly nonsense. This polish is straight Willy Wonka's golden ticket on your tips. (I SAID TIPS.) Check out all of the Floss Gloss color choice (they are all hot) here.

Stick it. (Why are these all terrible movie titles?)

incoco nail stickers in boo! ($9.99)

Okay, so these are Halloween-themed nail stickers from Incoco, but IT'S MUMMIES AND THEY GLOW. That sh*t is timeless. If you can't paint real, live, mummies on your nails, this is totally the next best thing. And these stickers are so friggin' easy to use. They take me ten minutes to put on, when others take me, like, an hour. STOP JUDGING ME WITH YOUR EYES. See all of the (non-mummy) available Incoco designs here.

Get neon in this mutha effer.

revlon nail art neon polish (target, $7.99)

Call me trash, but I love neon polish right now. It's fun, and makes you feel uber Saved by the Bell-ish without wearing a Hypercolor t-shirt. The best thing about this Revlon Nail Art Neon Polish is the white base coat. It makes the neons even more neon-y. And there are ten colors to choose from, so you can definitely find one that will work for your ass. Unless you hate bright colors. Then you won't find one that will work for your ass. Try Hot Topic for "Black as Sadness," or whatever. Check the Revlon Neon array here.

via petwat tumblr

You officially aren't boring (on your hands), anymore. You look guuuurd, girl.






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I React to Kids Reacting to My Boo 4EVA, Grumpy Cat.

You guys have seen those Kids React to ______ videos, right? Well there's a new one about Grumpy Cat, and because I am still waaaaaay into GC...

just me & my boo

I had to REACT to kids REACTING to Grumps. Did your head just explode in the time/space continuum? (Whatever that means.)



- Ol' sequin shirt was straight DISAPPOINTED with everything grumpy. THAT's rude.
- Homegirl in the straw fedora has sleeves of temporary tattoos. I'm jealous of that badassery. (I wasn't allowed to have temporary tattoos or candy cigarettes when I was a kid, and look how I turned out...)
- "The Poo Poo Milk Cow Cat?" That kid should write for this blog.
- "Just hand me the shovel???" What in future serial killer hell does that mean, kid? Damn.
- Then straw fedora wins again, with her open views on gender.
- The gingers are totally over being judged, clearly. Sorry, sisters.
- Why is baseball tee/messy hair doing the The Shining scary voice? Stop that sh*t, man.

Viva la Grump, b's.






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Random Homies: SeabuckWonders Sea Buckthorn Beauty Prods

seabuckwonders sea buckthorn body lotion ($14.97) & exfoliating facial cleanser ($16.97)

You guys remember (or don't) that I already touted the benefits of SeabuckWonders and sea buckthorn supplements. Ish is real, real good. And because I was so way into the supplements, I had the SeabuckWonders people send me some of their beauty products to try. And friggin' surprise, surprise (not) they were pretty damn great, too.

Before I start talking about the SeabuckWonders Sea Buckthorn Body Lotion ($14.97), I have to preface it with my whole deal about body lotion, in general. I pretty much hate the ish. It ends up drying to a weird, sticky, film on my skin, that is most reminiscent of spiderwebs all up on me. Gross. So whenever I tell you b's that I'm into a body lotion, you know I much actually really like that mess. And I really like this stuff. Here's the good good on it:

With a potent infusion of Omega 3, 6, 9, and the powerful skin-healing Omega 7, SeabuckWonders Body Lotion provides nourishment with age-defying properties for soft, healthy skin.

I don't know sh*t about science, but I do know that Omega stuff is good for you. But before you start bathing in this ish, let me give you a wee bit of warning about any product with sea buckthorn in it -- it smells weird. It's not a flowery, fragrant smell. It's a supplement-y smell. BUT it goes away after a few minutes, and the benefits way outweigh a weird smell for a couple of fleeting moments.

Now let's talk about the SeabuckWonders Exfoliating Facial Cleanser ($16.97). I also have a weird thing with scrubby facial cleansers. Most of them are WAY too effin' harsh on your mug, man. Those super-gritty mofos will tear your ish up, and should be avoided. That's why I like this stuff. It's gentle, and it has all of the good-for-you junk.

Sea Buckthorn Facial Cleanser cleans skin gently, yet effectively, without stripping the skin of its natural oils. It exfoliates to remove dirt and impurities, while hydrating skin for a smooth, clear complexion. Unlike many other facial cleansers, SeabuckWonders Facial Cleanser is ideal for all skin types that will benefit from its remarkable nutritional properties, leaving skin feeling clean, balanced, and beautiful. This invigorating cleanser is an excellent first step in any skin care routine.

I also like to use it on my back and chest to exfoliate and keep my skin looking all noooiiiice. And the products aren't super spendy, so you can still get your freak on in other ways while nourishing yourself with those science-y Omegas.

Check out all of the SeabuckWonders beauty offerings here.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: LeAnn Rimes and Her Garbage Shorts

via huffpo

According to the Huffington Post, LeAnn was photographed in this literal hot mess at her stepson's baseball game. A couple of issues here -- I mean clearly the sweaty-ass-hootenanny pleather shorts are public vag enemy number one, and totally creepy to wear to a kid's deal. But let's say you are full-on committed to wearing that ish. Would you not at least PUT ON MAKEUP WHEN YOU'RE WEARING VINYL HOT PANTS? If ever a time there arose to wear makeup, this is it, boo boo. And the fact that you are wearing a vintage-y football sweater because you're going to a sporting thing is annoying. How do I live with this owwwwtfit? How do I...How do I...But your boots are cute.

via realitytvgifs

Can you tell I like Brandi Glanville? (I refuse to say Team whatever. It makes me want to vomit.) Homegirl's funny and gives less than an eff. But really, I'm sure it's hard being LeAnn Rimes.



Okay, so I just really, really wanted to use that clip for about three weeks now. Eff it. Viva la moustache.





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In Case You Were Wondering, Alexander Skarsgard is Still a Hot B*tch

Ali Cat was at a Lakers game, or some boring sports-related ish, last night. And you can rest your damn weary, downtrodden mind (and eyeballs) because A Skar Skar is still hot as eff.

Why so serious, boo? Psshaw, like I a give a damn. Your broody, cold demeanor is half the reason I love your ass.

He's drinking beer (So American!) with a European football shirt on (So Exotic!) with his legs firmly crossed (So European!). But furrreal, why don't American dudes cross their legs like this? 'Merica.

And let's just pretend that this is some kind of sexual reenactment of some sort. A b can dream, right? Keep that hot flowing, Xander. Keep that sh*t up. Only three months until True Blood, and I can straight stalk your ass.

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