I was watching the latest episode of 30 Rock last night, when this abomination came upon my screen -- the dreaded man turtleneck. It was actually a small plot point on the episode. You know, the fact that turtlenecks are TERRIBLE. Even the name is gross. Who would want a neck like a turtle? Have you seen a turtle's neck? Don't agree with me? Hold your mother effin' horses sister, and let us take a 'neck tour.
I'm pretty sure that this is a terrible joke.
A typical turtleneck patron. The cat is sickened to his core.
What in the eff is this Devil's neck maiden???
Mmmmkay. What kind of weird ass door is that? How does it even work?
Well of course. My nemesis surfaces again. P.S. This picture is friggin' creepy.
My case of the sads is almost to overpowering to even make fun of this sh*t. (I said ALMOST, b's.) I'm not going to lie, I've watched this about seven times. And I'm confused about many a thing here, mainly, why this video even exists. Do we really need a tutorial on how to mix cheese and canned chili together and microwave it? Or the least effective way to open a bag of chips? Who exactly is this gentleman, and can I get yo' number? AAAAAND who taught him how to stir stuff? AAAAAND can I be part of your small group?
I really don't even have anything to say, except that if the man even needs someone to come to his basement apartment to watch reruns of The Facts of Life, I'll meet you there. At least I know what we'll be eating. And now, I have to go...
This week in my Allure blog, I'm giving shaving tips for all of the ladies and gents in light of it being the end of Movember. Mustaches and all hairs be gone! Click here to see how to Get Mo' From Your Movember Shaving Excursion.
Oh, hot damn. This is my jam. (What song was that? A Black Eyed Peas, or something? Hell if I know.) I have tried many a lip scrub, y'alls. I usually put them all into a big, fat ol' "meh" category. A lot of them tend to be chunky, or scratchy, or do-nothings. But lemme tell you about this little pumpkin, which is a LIP SCRUB on the bottom, and a LIP BALM on the top. That's straight simple genius, yo. All you do is scrub-a-dub for half a minute or so (I found it worked best after a shower), and then balm up the pout. My lips feel brand spankin' new! Like I ripped them off a toddler's face, or something. And my lips are always dry. I took Accutane back in the mid 90's (Shut up, I know I'm old as sh*t), and ever since then, I've had a problem with lip dryness. (On my face -- you gross b's.)
Looks like mama's found a new LFF. (Lip friend forever. Obviously.)
Ho-leeee mother eff, you guys. What in hairless cat face hell happened to Jordan Catalano?
Jared Leto and a friend on their way to lunch.
I know that this sh*t is for a movie, but get this b some brow toupees or something, man. I can't be having that mess all shoved up in my eyeballs. It's freaking me out.
Jared is usually a stone cold ass fox, so this is some harsh crap. I will donate my hair to make this man some emergency brows, if need be. I AM FRIGHTENED. What the eff would Rickie say about this?
Oh. Well, Rickie's too busy being hot to worry about Jordan/Jared's eyebrow game. But you know who's not? My ass.
As soon as I put these on in the shower, I started soft-shoeing, because that is what one does when one puts on white gloves. Especially when one wants to be an old timey gentleman. So after my routine, I decided to actually use them for their intended purpose, and to stop being a friggin' weirdo for two minutes. And lemme tell you, these little gloves can exfoliate with the best of them. You get loofah-esque levels of exfoliation, but with much easier use. I also like that there are actually TWO gloves, because a lot of times you get one, and then you are caught switching hands four million times per shower. And that crap is not cute when you're a lazy mofo.
There's also a tag on the glove that tells you when to replace it. When the ink fades from the tag, you throw dem b's out! How easy is that? So I give these lil' mamas two enthusiastic and exfoliated thumbs up! Now, I have to go take my pants off and pretend I'm Donald Duck. Don't call the police.
I'm sure that you guys recognize this super overly used meme. It's a dude the internets have dubbed "Scumbag Steve." To most, he's just a douchey-looking douche that helps spread more douche, but The Boston Globe actually found this guy, and interviewed him. Please watch the following video, and have the terrible realization that memes are total life truth bombs.
Life imitating art? I can't even with this guy. I'm just going to put this out there -- if you wear a shirt with your own face emblazoned on it, then you are the worst. And if any of you even attempt to listen to this guy's raps, even ironically, I swear on everything I love (so pretty much baby koalas), that I will disconnect your internet. Even dial up. Even free AOL trial disks. I will smash the sh*t out of them.
P.S. My apologies on the auto-play deal on the video. I don't know how to change that crap, I'm not freaking Doogie Howser. I owe you a delicious soft serve ice cream cone.
