Allure Insiders Get The Look: Orange Is The New Black Makeover Mashup

The subject of this week's Allure Insiders video is one of my favorites (uh, doy). I took three of my favorite characters from my beloved OITNB and created a mashup look from little pieces of all of them. Watch on to see who I chose.

And if you aren't caught up on the show, what the eff are you waiting on? Head over to Netflix and binge-watch the hell of it like any sane person would, then come back over hear and lets talk about it! (I finished this weekend, obviously.)

P.S. If you don't want to "boop" Suzanne, I don't even know you.




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Allure Insiders: Readers' Choice Haul Video

I was lucky enough to get a package from Allure of some of the Readers' Choice products from this month's issue. I dug into this big ol' box of good good and filmed my reactions. Check out the video to see what I got and what I thought about everything.



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Nic Cage Wore A CRAZY ASS Outfit To A Guns N' Roses Concert

via gnr's facebook

Nicolas Cage showed up to a GNR concert wearing this insane shit this weekend. Just soak it all in for a moment. Oh, and Andrew Dice Clay was also in attendance, because of course.

Maybe we should get a closer look at all of this effery. And, yes, that's Nic Cage's meme face on Nic Cage's shirt.

Here's a checklist of what we're dealing with here:

1. An Ann Taylor Loft blazer
2. A well-formed cowboy hat
3. Henry VIII's hand jewels and cane thing
4. Sunglasses inside
5. All of your gam gam's "fancy" necklaces at once
6. A possible holster/fringed chaps (assless-ness unknown)
7. HIS OWN FACE
8. Red wine teeth (I'm assuming)

This is what this outfit just did to my eyeballs:

Thanks, outfit.



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If You Always Wanted To See Bradley Cooper's (Almost) B-Hole, This Is Your Chance

via eonline

Listen, I'm not in the game of offending military people. I'm in the game of rude ass-ing every other person's life, really. But I have to ask this -- is this the regular shorts attire of actual Navy Seals? Because that is the character that B Coops is portraying in this sassy (literal) ass picture from the set of his new movie, American Sniper, and it's causing me to not even really know what to think right now. Except that we need to see what kind of business is happening in the front.

via eonline

 Oh. I mean...I actually don't even know what to say right now. At all. Or how I feel. Am I like:

Or all:

On one hand, I wore shorts of this exact length in my sluttiest of slut days. On the other, they look like toddler apparel. On a third alien hand, Bradley Cooper is usually pretty hot.

I think I'm having some kind of sensory overload-induced brain malfunction. Tell me how to live.

P.S. You're welcome for bringing you this instead of that bag o' dicks-filled Bieber video.





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Video Time: Every-Damn-Thing I Use On The Daily

I made a crazy, long ass video on pretty much every friggin' thing that I use beauty-wise (and some random shit) every day. You are probably throwing me an "I give exactly zero effs" side eye through the interwebs right now, so feel free to skip this video if you aren't interested in my mess of a daily life.

If you are into this, I cover everything from skin care products to deodorant, to makeup and the earrings I've been wearing for a solid four years. If you have any questions about anything I mention, holler at your girl in the comments.




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Poppin' Bottles On Summer Polishes: The China Glaze Off Shore Collection

I'm really trying not to be a broken record in this bitch, but it's hot. And when the going gets hot, that really only means one thing: It's Summa, Summa, Summatime (Summatime). I kind of hate Summer, because it's just so damn sunny and people are always all, "It's BEAUTIFUL out," which is just pretty much the opposite of my life's motto. Plus, I refuse to wear a bathing suit, or even shorts, so this shit just ain't for me. In a nutshell.

Everyone else in the Summertimes:

Me in the Summertimes:

There is one exception to my general grumpy ass-ness when it comes to all things Summer -- I LOVE A BRIGHT NAIL POLISH. This is the time of year when all of the polish brands release their brightest and cheeriest hues, and I was lucky enough to get to sample the newest from China Glaze, with their Off Shore Collection.

If you can actually follow along with my cluster eff of a photo below, you can get a hands-on view of what the collection is working with.

china glaze off shore collection, $7.50 each

Every bit of the polishes are appropriately vivid, and all but one of them are a creme finish. (The deep orange-y "Stoked to be Soaked" has a semi-pearly look.) There are a few of the lighter polishes that I feel like would be best with three coats, because they're on the thin side, but overall they all go on well.

I was surprised to find that I genuinely liked all of the polishes. While just peeping them in the bottle, I felt pretty "meh" about a few initially, but after getting them up on my phalanges, I was pleasantly impressed by the entire lot.

Bottom line, if you're into colorful nail polish, these will 100% be your jam. Even if you're a straight-up grouch ass like me.

China Glaze's Off Shore Collection is available at Ulta and Sally Beauty Supply starting in June (so, like, now), so get on it. Don't worry, I'll still be holed-up in a darkened room with my beautifully bright claws.






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The "I Can't" News Of The Week: Justin Bieber Hooked Up With MF-ing ADRIANA LIMA

Remember when Biebs posted this picture of himself with Adriana Lima on his Instagram account about a week ago? No? I'm the only one here that follows him? Great, another black mark on my effed up life. Anyway, US Weekly is claiming that after these two alley cats were partying it up and taking raised-eyebrow selfies in Cannes at some nightclub called Gotha (sounds annoying), they ended up leaving together at 5 am.

I'm taking this all with a big ass grain of salt. This beautiful creature probably didn't even do dirt stuff with JB. It was early morning, so he probably just needed her to put the straw in his breakfast time Capri Sun. That shit's hard to do. This is a 32 year old mother of two, and he's a 24 months old. That's the only thing that makes sense in this world.

Because there's no way that a grown ass Victoria's Secret model is having sexual times with a guy wearing a sunglasses/training mustache combo in a club. Right? In her defense, he was probably wearing those faux denim pull-up diapers so he looked like he might almost be an adult.

I know that you thought that this was a picture of Leo DiCaprio, but it's just a baby. You can see how it's a simple mistake.



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