I Found My People: Grumpy British Oldies Forced To Listen To Pharrell's "Happy," Promptly Hate It.

I have to say something that probably goes against current popular opinion. I hate Pharrell's "Happy." It's like musical version of some bag of b-holes telling you to smile. Don't tell me when to smile.

So power blasting a song telling me to be happy doesn't, in fact, make me feel happy. It makes me wonder when the shit it's going to end. Like this guy:

I feel you, sir. If people still wore watches, I would totally be looking at mine right now. But ol' timepiece isn't even my favorite elderly person in this video. I found my not-down-ass soulmate:

He's surly as eff, enjoys a pink shirt, can't clap two hands together, and is somewhat androgynous, as old people are wont to be. This man is perfect. I want to binge-watch a Columbo marathon with him.

Oh, and screw this guy. (Figuratively, of course.) You know what actually makes me happy? This:

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Lindsay Lohan's ALLEGED Done Did It List Of Famous Dudes (With Bonus Speculations)

via in touch

With the premiere of Lilo's new reality show, creatively named Lindsay (which everyone should watch, by the way, it's beyond interesting), the tabloids are hot on her a-hole, breaking new stories of homegirl's sordid life. In Touch is leading the trash pack with a story about Lindsay writing out her "personal conquest list" of famous dingalings. Yay!

Before we delve into this list, let me say this: I'm taking this story with a million grains of salt. This deal was supposedly written over a year ago, and now a "friend" has turned this treasure over to the rags. There are really only a couple of options of how this played out, if it is indeed real. Either sweet cheek's friends are total dicks, or LL's people released this list for publicity for her show, hoping more schmoes might watch in hopes of her mentioning a tidbit about what Adam Levine's ween is like. I hope it's the latter.

There are some totally expected hoes on this list like Wilmer Valderamma, Colin Farrell, James Franco, and Adam Levine. Those dudes are kind of the Sausage o' the Month seeming types, so I'm not impressed. But Heath Ledger? I can't. Justin Timberlake? I hope it was during his ramen-esque hair era. Zac Efron? Hrmsmdfjl. (You can interpret that for however you choose. You're probably right.) I forgot Lukas Haas existed, so good for him. Evan Peters? That seems...odd. I refuse to even acknowledge Jaime Dornan, because my brain won't allow that to happen. He's crazy hot, and I won't let him be tarnished in my loins/heart. But, holdup. JOAQUIN PHOENIX??? That's some weird effery. I actually want to see that happen. On a scientific level. With microscopes and shit. As for the rest of the mens up on this list:

Here's the most interesting thing about this sexcapade catalog: WHAT THE CRAP NAMES ARE BELOW THE BLURS? I NEED TO KNOW! Don't worry, I have some theories.

Wilford Brimley

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED, YOU GUYS.

Fivel

Sorry, Fivel, that's super inappropriate.

Dracula

They did it old timey style, whatever that means.

Count Chocula

Same. He a freak.

A Very Pleased With Himself Clay Aiken

Because they're redheads, or something.

A Dinosaur Pool Float

No explanation needed. This guy's really hot.

This Guy

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Do you guys think that this list is the truth or a GD lie? Let's hash this mess out.



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The 5 Best Places To Wear The Upcoming Lorde For MAC Cosmetics Collabo

face chart via nymag's the cut

Are the kids still saying "collabo?" Nope? Great. You might have heard that Lorde and MAC are releasing a limited-edition line of makeup, much like Rihanna and whoever else that I don't feel like googling, in the past. There aren't a ton of detail on what kind of products will be included, but I'm pretty sure that we can expect some kind of dark and lovely lipsticks that evoke feelings of witch covens and ripped fishnets from this shit. So, AKA, I can't wait. I'm also hoping from some dramatic brow realness from this line, but we'll see when it debuts June 5th.

In anticipation of this vampy-ass goodness, let's discuss the best places to don our Lorde-y faces while we roam this earth.

#1 -- A stiletto nail salon.

#2 -- A Stevie Nicks Dress Warehouse, if that existed.

#3 -- A Rebecca Gayheart hair flip off, also, if that existed.

#4 -- An AHS: Coven viewing party, obviously.

#5 -- To visit the Royals, or just Prince Sexy Pants Harry.

The best place to not wear your new high-end goth-esque face? A Taylor Swift tea party at her New England beach house.

 You know she'd be all, "OMG, you're so random. I can't even deal," and write a song called "Passive Aggressive Burgundy Lips" about you.

Are you guys into this makeup collaboration? Or will I be the only one dragging my old ass out to stock up on undead lady lipsticks?







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A Chronological Timeline Of The Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Birth To Current Times

Today is my birthday. Don't worry, you don't have to acknowledge that shit, I'm just telling you for the context of this article, or whatever you call this crap that I throw together. I've never been big on birthdays because I don't like the attention and, also, we all have one. It's nothing special. I don't really get the fuss, and I am a general curmudgeon. But I did learn that today is also Jon Hamm's (ween's) birthday, so I'll take it. It's Robin Thicke's birthday, too, but let's ignore that gross knowledge.

The point of all of this word effery is that I'm now 33 GD years old, and I'm not getting any younger. The upswing to this is that I have, from the time I was a little kid until this very moment, acquired some decent lessons on beauty and such. I lined up these bits o' brain juices (well, that's gross) for you in a chronological order so you don't follow in my gross habit footsteps. L'chaim!

Baby Years: Birth Times

Here I am, straight out the womb. Don't be crazy, I have zero tips on beauty at this point. I don't even know how to open my damn eyes, much less how to apply eyeliner to make your eyes look larger. I still have ink on my feet, for Chrissakes. But I did have dapper as eff taste in headwear.

Non-Angsty Childhood Years: I'm Just a Girl

Childhood: so full of wondrous moments of innocence and tiny pairs of acid-washed jeans. At this point in life, I didn't think about looks very much. Even when I begged to be in a kiddie beauty pageant, and my mom said eff to the no, I didn't think about what my face looked like, or how weird my jaunty teeth were, I just wanted a fancy ass dress. But looking back, here are the things I know with certainty:

1. Sometimes the dentist will tell you that you'll need braces when you're, like, five, and sometimes those bitches will just straighten themselves out pretty well.
2. Spiral perms.
3. This is the pinnacle of your hair's color. Hopefully, an adult will capture these moments, so your mane can vicariously live through it again when you're an adult, and you can keep trying to recapture those natural highlights via chemical endeavors and experiments and fail completely.

Pre-Teen, Bleeding Into Teen Years: Everything's Terrible

I think we can all agree that puberty can seriously suck it. There are exactly zero things that are physically, emotionally, and whatever-else-lly more awkward than the pre-teen years of life. I was forced to learn a lot from this time in my life, due to sheer survival more than anything else. Seriously, if there's a hell, #1) I'm probably going, and #2) it's just living your pubescent years over and over again. I think you get the point. Here are my learnings from this tragic ass era:

1. The first time you get highlights at the mall with money from your high school job, stop using your bullshit 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. Your hair isn't falling out because you have cancer (I DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY), it's because you actually have to take care of your head hairs now.
2. If your skin is really awful and acne-prone, go to a dermatologist and get some help before it gets completely out of control and you are semi-disfigured. I know you're embarrassed, and everything is beyond embarrassing right now, but it can dictate your skin life forever, ever.
3. Maybe don't have bangs. Bangs are kind of a rude bitch to deal with even for adults, and your hair styling skill level is not ready for that jelly.

 Late Teens to Early 20's: Is This Real Life? 

The late teens/early 20's years are almost like a second puberty. Life is friggin' hard, and this is the time you're trying to figure out what the hell you're doing. Let me tell you a secret that might save you some strife, early twenty-somethings: I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, SO STOP FREAKING OUT. I'm sure I'll feel the same way at 40. We should all calm our figurative tits. This is what I learned about beauty from these turbulent times:

1. Do whatever the hell you want with your hair/makeup/whatever non-permanent crap at this point in your life. This is the time to try weird shit. The only exception is telling your 50-something temp hair lady to "do whatever she wants" to your hair. She'll give you a sassy, flippy haircut that matches her own, and your Senior pictures will be straight-up (now tell me) awful. And you'll be forced to stare them down on your parents' mantle for the next 40 years.
2. DO NOT TAN. You're going to want to, but don't. Your skin will thank you by not looking like a Slim Jim that's been pickling in a jar of vinegar later.
3. Go easy on the eyebrows. Sometimes those mofos will up and quit your face, refusing to grow back. Tweeze with caution.

Late, Late 20's to Current Days: Zero Effs to Give

Getting older is some kind of witchy weirdness, man. On one hand, it's a medium-sized bag of poop, because we're all crazy youth-obsessed and want to look like sexy teenaged elves until we're 60, and that shit ain't real. But, weirdly, something cool happens when you start jumping up that age chart. You start to not care about stuff so much. Remember when Oprah (or some person) was all, "Don't sweat the small stuff'?" That actually becomes the truth.com after 30. Here's the deal, for real:

1. Let your "Who gives 1.5 craps? Not me!" flag fly on occasion. The 25 year old me would never even check the mail without glitz pageant makeup. The almost mid-30's me goes to dinner, movies, food truck rallies, bacon buying excursions -- you get the point -- in a bun and zero makeup sometimes. It's just your face and semi-dirty hair. It's all cool.
2. Actually take care of yourself, even though that mess is boring. The older we get, the more what you actually put into your body and working out and stuff matters. Even when it comes to skin and hair, it makes a huge difference. I know, so boring.
3. Take your skin care routine all the way down to chesticle town. We have to fight the good fight against the wrinkly chest-in-between-the-boobs deal as much as we can, you guys. Together we can win(ish) the fight.

That's it. I'm all out of years (thank Jesus), and I've poured out all of my brain's non-wisdoms for your eyeballs. The bottom line is, wherever you are in your lifespan, enjoy that shit. You'll never get it back, so live it up. Sorry for the cheese, now pass the nachos. And the margaritas.





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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure's facebook page

This month for Allure, I funneled all of my crazy, weird love for pop stars into a slideshow all about "10 Beauty Looks Inspired From the 10 Times You Wanted to Be a Pop Princess." Go check it out here.



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Tina Fey Is Possibly My Favorite Human, Parts I And II (And III)

Overall, when it comes to humans, I'm all, "meh." Some people are okay, but a lot are kind of not. I hinted at my love for TF yesterday, but just in case you aren't 100% convinced that she's pretty much the best, let's look at some evidence.

Part I, for your consideration...



"I didn't look like...a...person," is completely relatable to me, because this:

Many parts of my life have been spent in limbo between being a possible homo sapien, and maybe a weird troll-ish Russian fairy tale creature that favors Z Cavaricci pants, so I understand this sentiment.

Part II is comprised of she and Jimmy Fallon being completely adorable together in this lip flip bit from The Tonight Show. Funny people laughing at themselves is one of the best things, so jump on that figurative sleigh ride of joy.



If you still aren't convinced, and you have 16 minutes (you do, stop pretend being busy), watch her episode of Jerry Seinfeld's web series "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" here. She's a mf-ing delight, and her hair looks fantastic.

And because she's so opaque to the public, and never reads about herself online, I can say this without nagging fears of rejection: I love you lots, Tina Fey. Never stop being so Tina Fey-ish. That's like writing "stay sweet," in someone's middle school yearbook, but better. Your brain (I won't say body, that's creepy and presumptuous) is a wonderland.






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I Can't Wait For This Sh*t/I'm Worried About This Sh*t: The Lindsay Lohan Reality Show Trailer Is Here!

I'm so torn (thanks, Natalie Imbruglia) on this Oprah-funded Lilo reality show, you guys. On one hand, I can't effing wait to see this mess. On the other hand, this is a terrible idea for this human person. On a third, fake hand, I wish Linds would scale back on the hair extensions. It's like she's wearing a ginger Lady Godiva Halloween wig. There are so many emotions boiling around in my head, it's like a witch's cauldron of crazy up in here.

Like, I genuinely want this girl to get her actual sh*t together, but she's so wrapped up in being "Lindsay Lohan," and going to clubs, saying people stole from her, and just being generally dramatic and acting like it's still 2007, that I don't know if she will let herself. It's friggin' sad, man.

With all that said, I'm still watching this effery. How do you guys feel about this? Will you be watching? I need to know how Tina Fey feels about this.



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