I have this weird ass internal struggle, man. I love OTHER people's natural skin tones, from super porcelain to deep mocha, that sh*t is straight up gorgeous. But when I'm forced upon my own sad epidermis in its untouched state (especially in photographic evidence), I'm all, "JESUS GOD I LOOK TERRIBLE. And so un-Jessica Alba glowy. What the crap am I doing with my life?" This leads me straight to the bottle...of self tanner. Probably of the sauce, too, but every day can't be my own personal friggin' therapy session.
I've been big on the self tanning scene (in my own bathroom) for well over ten years. I avoid sun exposure like the Black Plague-era peeps avoided rodents, so this has become the only solution to my self-induced dermis hate seshes. Over the past decade of (tanning) rubs, I have gotten the application of these elixirs down to an effing SCIENCE. Let me teach you the tips to achieving an even, non-sh*t faux tan, if you're into that kind of thing.
Rub-a-dub Dub
Listen, I know you've read this step roughly one trill-y times from every beauty publication from here to Venus, but it really is the basis to a solid fake tan. EXFOLIATE YOUR BODY LIKE THE SLOUGHING WILL BRING THE SECOND COMING OF RYAN GOSLING. My OG way to exfoliate is truly the most original of the gangsters in the skin cell shedding game -- a plain ass wash cloth. I have found it to be really the best in the universe. Plus, you probably already own this. If not, borrow one from your Gam Gam. But if I'm feeling lazy -- hey, it must be a day ending in 'y'!
Sorry...using a loofah-esque exfoliating glove will also do the job. It's your world, do you.
At this point in your shower/bath/bath house/outdoor grotto, you are also going to want to shave whatever body parts that you typically shave. It will prep your skin even more, plus you don't want to shave off your fresh-to-death tan in one and a half days, or whatever.
Hydrate the Rough Stuff
After you've exfoliated yourself back to newborn status, it's time to protect the areas of your face/body that are prone to soaking up too much tanner, leaving you looking a blotchy hot ass mess. You can apply your regular facial lotion to your face, unless it has alpha hydroxy acids and such in it, which will make your tan wash right off your mug. Next, take a body lotion and moisturize all over your feet and ankles, knees, elbows, wrists and hands. Use a decent amount and don't skimp. These areas tend to be drier and rougher and the lotion will act as a semi-barrier to the tanner, keeping your ish even and looking toooight.
Protect Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
I used to skip this step, because I fancied myself a professional and thought I could handle my business. But, I have learned that using a glove or a mitt to protect your hands from that dreaded OPS (orange palm syndrome) really makes your life a hell of a lot easier. Mitts work best for mousse formulas, while gloves are better for stuff like lotions and gels. When applying the tanner, use small circles to work it in. If it also contains a bronzer, no need to call the governor if it looks streaky when you finish. As long as you're hitting all the spots, and applying evenly in circles, your actual tan should look fine.
There's another small issue you face when using tanning hand condoms -- having really pasty hands. I remedy this by taking the mitt/glove and rubbing whatever excess tanner that is remaining on the hand protection on the backs of my hands. I then rub more lotion on my hands and wrists and wash just the palms of my hands. Your extremities will keep a nice glow without screaming, "LOOK AT MY HANDS! THEY ARE FULL O' SELF TANNER! ORANGE APLENTY OVER HERE!"
What Not to Wear (and Do)
Your tan is all applied, so here comes the annoying part. Do not touch anything at all for a solid 30 minutes. NOTHING, I say, good sir. No sitting, no clothes, zero things. In fact, it's best if you can avoid clothes for an hour, really. Go ahead and book yourself an nudie vacay. When you do get dressed, wear something that is blousy and not tight. I'm talking mumu status. Wearing stuff like bras and jeans will seriously eff up your tan game. And you can forget wearing white. Or winter white. This is why most b's like to tan up at night, so you can just go the eff to sleep after half an hour or so.
As far as activities go, your ass needs to lay low for at least an hour. Don't do anything that will make you sweat or get you wet (DON'T BE SICK). If your self tanner contains a bronzer, you're safe to wash that sh*t off after four hours of lazing around and being fed grapes. You can also now wear white after your first shower, so you finally make your way to a P. Diddy white party, or whatever.
Tell him I said, "BIGGIE 4EVA."
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