Quick Sh*t: This Picture Just Made My Life

via r simms facebook

I love this picture so much that I can't even handle it. We've got my fashion idol, Richard Simmons, Sookie, and stupid-faced Bill all in one picture. My heart wants to explode with love and disdain. Richard's life has totally been made by this ish for some reason -- look at his face. And Sookie and Bill are looking smug as eff; like they can't wait to laugh about this mess on the ride back to their vampire mansion. Rude. But I think that Richie got mixed up on the premiere date for that HBO Liberace movie and made that hot ass vest from his guest bedroom duvet on the fly. Or like he's taken a part time job as a wedding dress consultant, in hopes that he can be on next season's Say Yes to the Dress. (Don't listen to me. I'm just jealous that I didn't think of those ideas.)

I can die happy (Heh, right.) now. Okay, bye.





Pin It

I've Been Making It Rain With the Shamps (and Conditioner).

I'm weirdly picky when it comes to shampoo and conditioner combos. I know, shocking, considering I don't give an eff about anything. So I currently have an unusual situation happening. I was sent samples of three different shampoo and conditioner deals, from three different brands, AND I LOVE ALL OF THOSE B'S. I couldn't even pick one that I was feeling the most, so eff it, I'll talk about all three, BECAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

Yep, it's like that. And you know what else it's like?

This. Because if you aren't into Jackee Harry and Dolly Parton shaking their sh*t in insane space-y garb, I can't even with your ass. Now let's get to business.

Eufora Beautifying Exilirs Bodifying Shampoo & Conditioner

Smells Like -- citrus-y, fresh stuff. (I'm the worst at describing smells. Good. It smells good.)

Yeah, Science! -- These Eufora products contain the Vibrant Color Complex, which you can read about by clicking, because, science. Plus, the  entire line of nine products is "based in an ALL Plant Essence of Sage and Thyme and contains ZERO water or fillers. In addition, Beautifying Elixirs does not contain: Artificial Aromas, Colorants, Sulfates, Parabens, Gluten, Mineral Oil, Petrolatum, Propylene Glycol, Sodium Chloride, Phthalates, Formaldehyde." Okay, so it smells herb-like. But not gross herbs. I promise!

Why I Love This Ish -- My hair is really fine, so it makes my hair way more voluminous. The conditioner is really lightweight, but moisturizing, which is a major feat. This combo is seriously s'mores-levels of amazingness. It has turned a tiny part of my coal heart into a diamond.

Price -- Get these badass b's for $28.50 for the shampoo and $29.99 for the conditioner. Click here to find out more about the products and find a salon near you that sells it.

Evolution Keratin Moisturizing Shampoo & Conditioner

Smells Like -- sexy, perfume-ish fragrance. Like a Pantene/Biolage hybrid, so obviously, delish.

Yeah, Science! -- These puppies are made for hair that has had a keratin treatment, so they're gentle and moisturizing, and great for color-treated hair. They contain that good good like Argan oil and vitamin E, and don't have the bad bad like sulfates and sodium chloride.

Why I Love This Ish -- This stuff just feels sumptuous, like a spa day that takes place on a rose petal. My hair always feels soft and hydrated after using these mofos. Silky haired vixen, party of one. (Or more, if you b's are coming. BYOW.)

Price -- $25 for the pair. To purchase, click here, and click here to find out more about these babies.

Van Thomas Concepts Christine Shampoo & Reconstruct Conditioner

Smells Like -- a Sweet Tart, real talk. Dammit, I'm hungry.

Yeah, Science! -- These homies have something called The Life Complex (sounds sexy) which is made up of keratin, silk proteins, and jojoba oil, and helps replenish nutrients in your hair. It's what TLC named themselves after. (No. No, it isn't.)

Why I Love This Ish -- The combination of these two is pretty damn flawless. The shampoo is really cleansing, then that beast of a Reconstruct conditioner just makes my hair feel healthy, man. Plus, the packaging says cute ish like "This package includes: a new and improved head of hair. Note: not a new and improved you. You already rock." Cue the "AWWWWW" soundtrack!

Price -- You can get the duo for $45, or the shampoo for $18 and the conditioner for $32. Click here to chigity check it.
With all this clean and condition talk, I think I need to go get down on some of these prods. My hair is dirtier than an actual MOP mop right now.

Pin It

Demi Moore's Boyfriend Has a Pearl Ween.

And I'm not talking about tampons, here, people. This surprised-caveman-looking homeboy is apparently Demi Moore's boyfriend, Will Hanigan. It is not a remake of Brendan Frasier's Caveman, sadly. This is real life.

According to the NY Daily News, dude has a pearl in his wee wee parts because he's a pearl diver, or something:

“He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens,” said a source. “It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”

Can I be real for a minute? I don't even know what the eff that means. I first thought they meant in the hole, but that doesn't even make sense. So like a piercing thing? Who wants to have a weiner o'pearls?

Yep. Totally this dude. I think I can see his pearl in this picture. 

 Not today, pearl pants, not today.




Pin It

Ballsy on a Budget -- Pop on the Mouth (OF COLOR)

I'm writing this in the dark, with a waning energy source, a full-on sh*tty wifi hotspot, and two insane chihuahua hovering over me because the power is out. Someone send the Geek Squad or Ghostbusters or some ish, cause I am not in the mood. Make sure they have a bottle of wine.

make up for ever aqua rouge in 16 fuchsia, $24 at sephora

Today we're getting ballsy with a bright lip, because nothing screams, "I have zero effs to give about what your ass thinks," like bold lipstick. Plus, it's easy, and you look like a badass with little effort. MUFE sent me this bright, bold, pink to try, and I fell in love real, real quick. It's the Aqua Rouge formula, so it's one of those long wear deals.

sephora, $24

I wore it to lunch today, and it only started coming off when I ate something oily. (Gross, but whatever. It happens.) Say you are going out for little sip of the sauce, or something, this sh*t will stay the eff on like white on rice. (Which is a super annoying saying, because what in the hell does that mean, anyway?) And to remove it, I just use vaseline, or whatever, and wipe it off. No biggie. (RIP, Biggie.)

But listen, I know that this stuff isn't insanely cheap, although I think it's totally worth it, so I also have a drugstore pick for your asses. I picked this stuff up last year at the ol' Mart of the Wal's, and the color is really cool. 

cover girl lip perfection lipstick in spellbound, $5.59 at drugstore.com

You guys are lucky that I love your asses, because I had to go searching for this mess with a gifted Bath and Body Works mini candle on its last legs. I was wandering the damn apartment like I was on mf-ing Sleepy Hollow, or some sh*t. It wasn't not cute.

And there you have your luxe (and cheap) ballsy b's. Now my power time is pretty much up, and I am off to find ways to entertain myself that don't involve electricity, or Lifetime Movie Network.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

BOOOORRRRING. I feel so old-timey.

Pin It

The Moment We All Have (Not) Been Waiting For -- Tan Mom's Music Video

I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.

TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.

I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.



Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.

I'M SERIOUS, J LAW. STOP MOCKING ME.




Pin It

Your 2013 Ringtone: Carmen Electra's "Bigger D*ck"

pic via daily mail

Hey guys, you remember that hot b, Carmen Electra, WHO IS NOW EFFING FORTY MUTHA F*CKING ONE AND LOOKS SUPER HOT. Ugh, where do I sign up to sell my soul, or whatever? Carm has a hot new jam about the size of her johnson, called "Bigger D*ck."

ugh. remember this sh*t?

You really need to go listen to Carm's song, because it's truly my slut dance anthem of the millennium. But be warned, this ish is 0% safe for work. Even if you work at a strip club, you'll get fired for blasting this, probably.

But don't act like you're too prim and proper to be into this sh*t.

I can't wait to Say Anything boombox the hell out of everyone I know with this song. Get ready, world.











Pin It

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week for Allure, I got off the Gatsby's jock (Finally! Dammit.) and explored my OTHER favorite movie makeup looks with mini tutorials. Ch-ch-check it here.

pic via allure



Pin It