Quick Sh*t: Alexander Skarsgard Gets Sexy On a Snow Toilet

via instagram

Sexy ass Skarsgard is in the North Pole, and he's fake pooping on a toilet. I don't know the what/why's about this picture, and I really don't give an eff. Let's just enjoy this moment.

Wait. He's on a toilet, is this even hot? I'm going to go with yes, yes, it is.




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National Weather Got You Feeling The SADS? It's Time For A DANCE Break. (Jazz Hands!)

In most of the US today it's cold as a mf-ing polar bear's ween. So what will warm us up? DANCE!



Put on your best rainbow sour belt-inspired leotard, buy all the fringe that Michael's has to offer, and DANCE like it's 1982 and your leotard is too short in the stride and inhibits your posture!

But you know what? Dancing's not for everyone. Just stay well within your comfort zone.

Thanks, Snuggie, for introducing a new generation to the world of raising the roof. Now we can all look like a-holes for eternity.


video via reddit


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What's The Haps, Naked3 Palette? Plus, A Head-To-Head Smackdown Between Naked3 And the Original Naked Palette.

I finally stopped being lazy for 3.5 seconds, put my grown lady panties on, and made a video about Urban Decay's Naked3 palette. Give it a watch to see what gets me all hot and bothered (gross) about it, as well as how it stacks up against the original Naked. Now, LET'S GET NAKEY (X 3)!



By the way, here's a closer look at N3, if you're so inclined to see that sh*t up close and personal like:

You can pick up Naked3 here, or if original Naked is more your cup o' tea, check it here.



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Non-Dick Celebrity News Of The Day: Jennifer Hudson Buys Her Assistant/BFF A House And It's Adorable

Usually I feel like this about in regards to most humans:

It's pretty universal in my world. But then J Hud, the keeper of the amazing pipes, comes along does something super sweet and selfless and makes the rest of the celebrity world look like a big old bag o' d's. As the world's best boss move she bought her assistant, and friend since elementary school, A MF-ING HOUSE for Christmas. This video is him discovering the big reveal.



Well, that is just the cutest thing I've witnessed in a hot minute. The only thing more adorable than that is (maybe) a basket of kittens.



Yeah, that's pretty damn adorable.



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How To Self Tan Like A True Boss B*tch

I have this weird ass internal struggle, man. I love OTHER people's natural skin tones, from super porcelain to deep mocha, that sh*t is straight up gorgeous. But when I'm forced upon my own sad epidermis in its untouched state (especially in photographic evidence), I'm all, "JESUS GOD I LOOK TERRIBLE. And so un-Jessica Alba glowy. What the crap am I doing with my life?" This leads me straight to the bottle...of self tanner. Probably of the sauce, too, but every day can't be my own personal friggin' therapy session.

I've been big on the self tanning scene (in my own bathroom) for well over ten years. I avoid sun exposure like the Black Plague-era peeps avoided rodents, so this has become the only solution to my self-induced dermis hate seshes. Over the past decade of (tanning) rubs, I have gotten the application of these elixirs down to an effing SCIENCE. Let me teach you the tips to achieving an even, non-sh*t faux tan, if you're into that kind of thing.

Rub-a-dub Dub

Listen, I know you've read this step roughly one trill-y times from every beauty publication from here to Venus, but it really is the basis to a solid fake tan. EXFOLIATE YOUR BODY LIKE THE SLOUGHING WILL BRING THE SECOND COMING OF RYAN GOSLING. My OG way to exfoliate is truly the most original of the gangsters in the skin cell shedding game -- a plain ass wash cloth. I have found it to be really the best in the universe. Plus, you probably already own this. If not, borrow one from your Gam Gam. But if I'm feeling lazy -- hey, it must be a day ending in 'y'!

 Sorry...using a loofah-esque exfoliating glove will also do the job. It's your world, do you.

At this point in your shower/bath/bath house/outdoor grotto, you are also going to want to shave whatever body parts that you typically shave. It will prep your skin even more, plus you don't want to shave off your fresh-to-death tan in one and a half days, or whatever.

Hydrate the Rough Stuff

After you've exfoliated yourself back to newborn status, it's time to protect the areas of your face/body that are prone to soaking up too much tanner, leaving you looking a blotchy hot ass mess. You can apply your regular facial lotion to your face, unless it has alpha hydroxy acids and such in it, which will make your tan wash right off your mug. Next, take a body lotion and moisturize all over your feet and ankles, knees, elbows, wrists and hands. Use a decent amount and don't skimp. These areas tend to be drier and rougher and the lotion will act as a semi-barrier to the tanner, keeping your ish even and looking toooight.

Protect Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

I used to skip this step, because I fancied myself a professional and thought I could handle my business. But, I have learned that using a glove or a mitt to protect your hands from that dreaded OPS (orange palm syndrome) really makes your life a hell of a lot easier. Mitts work best for mousse formulas, while gloves are better for stuff like lotions and gels. When applying the tanner, use small circles to work it in. If it also contains a bronzer, no need to call the governor if it looks streaky when you finish. As long as you're hitting all the spots, and applying evenly in circles, your actual tan should look fine.

There's another small issue you face when using tanning hand condoms -- having really pasty hands. I remedy this by taking the mitt/glove and rubbing whatever excess tanner that is remaining on the hand protection on the backs of my hands. I then rub more lotion on my hands and wrists and wash just the palms of my hands. Your extremities will keep a nice glow without screaming, "LOOK AT MY HANDS! THEY ARE FULL O' SELF TANNER! ORANGE APLENTY OVER HERE!"

What Not to Wear (and Do)

Your tan is all applied, so here comes the annoying part. Do not touch anything at all for a solid 30 minutes. NOTHING, I say, good sir. No sitting, no clothes, zero things. In fact, it's best if you can avoid clothes for an hour, really. Go ahead and book yourself an nudie vacay. When you do get dressed, wear something that is blousy and not tight. I'm talking mumu status. Wearing stuff like bras and jeans will seriously eff up your tan game. And you can forget wearing white. Or winter white. This is why most b's like to tan up at night, so you can just go the eff to sleep after half an hour or so.

As far as activities go, your ass needs to lay low for at least an hour. Don't do anything that will make you sweat or get you wet (DON'T BE SICK). If your self tanner contains a bronzer, you're safe to wash that sh*t off after four hours of lazing around and being fed grapes. You can also now wear white after your first shower, so you finally make your way to a P. Diddy white party, or whatever.

Tell him I said, "BIGGIE 4EVA."





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Just In Time To Be Uncomfortably Terrified One Last Time This Year: A Dude Pretending To Be A Tiger.

The fact that this video is entitled "White Tiger 5" is horrifying. That means we haven't gotten enough from episodes one through friggin' four. I know that this is something sexual to some people, but I'm not really sure to what kink demographic. People that are into the retired tigers from Sigfried & Roy? Faux claw fetishes? Leotard aficionados? Dudes that like sexy animal versions of President Martin van Buren's sideburns?

Whoever finds this porn-y, do you, and sh*t. I'll just be over here mentally bleaching the eff out of my brain area.

Happy New Year.



via reddit


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Beauty For When You're Feeling Blue-y

There are two kinds of people that roam this planet of doom. Peeps that are all optimistic and sh*t, and when feeling low, go watch a Reese Witherspoon movie and just feel better about life. And then probably drink sweet tea on a sunny porch. If that describes your demeanor, this post is not for you. No, this is for the lite misery-wallowers. Those of us that, instead of reaching for a well-read copy of Chicken Soup for Your Mutha Effin' Soul, read this.

for the emo-souled only

I am in a decently-sized funk lately, you guys. This will not come as a surprise to people that know me on a personal level, because my moods typically range from Sophia from Golden Girls to Grumpy Cat with PMS. No one ever believes me when I tell them that my high school pottery teacher called me "Sunshine," because of current constant state of b*tch assness. WELL, IT'S TRUE, MOFOS. I've channeled all of nearing-middle-age angst into the beauty things that I truly appreciate most when my emo levels are breaking the emotionally-bankrupt bank.

What's the Matte-r, Baby?

I love matte nails, especially when they're dark. It's like your fingers are wearing tiny, clean chalkboards of darkness. That's a positive thing, in case you felt unsure. To achieve matte-to-death nails of whatever color, I like to use OPI's Matte Top Coat (Ulta, $9). You can use it over any ol' boring as Bran Flakes nail polish, and it gives you insta-edge of darkness. Like you might be a sexy undertaker.

Wined Out Lips

There's nothing better than a dramatic ass lip statement when you're feeling super dramatic in your brain. It evokes images of wine drinking (which I will be partaking in, well, always) and smoking a cigarette out of one of those long cigarette holder things (which I would only do in my imagination). The most theatric 'stick of the bunch is Urban Decay's Revolution Lipstick in Shame (Sephora, $22), which is a really deep berry color that gives you immediate street cred. It's moodiness in a tube.

A Thin (or Thick. or Smudged.) Black Line

I hate to break it to you, sister, but you only have two eye options during these dark and uncertain times: winged liquid liner or a smudged out lid. It's in the "I'm Moping Handbook." Not to be confused with the "I'm Mopping Handbook," which is effing boring and should be avoided at all costs. Smudgy-lined eyes and this MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Shadow Pencil (Sephora, $20) in matte taupe grey (4E) go together like Hot Topic and strategically ripped fishnet tights. It's not a liner, it's a chubby waterproof pencil, so it literally takes 3 seconds and .098% effort to apply. It's a match made in sadness heaven.

Okay, end of list. We can now commence with our sad and dramatic reclining on a tufted chaise lounges in rooms darkened by drawn velvet curtains of quasi-despair. With badass b*tch lipstick. But just in case you really are in need of lifted spirits, I gift you with this:

Don't you feel better after seeing KK's cry face? It's an sure fire cure to the Wintertime doldrums.

Every time Kim cries, an angel gets its wings. Happy Holidays.

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