Beauty On The Lam (Or When You're Moving And Your Life Is Crazy)

Oh hey, you sexy ass strangers. I've missed your asses (and/or faces, if you're prudish). I'm currently in my new place of living, which I can now tell you is Phoenix, Arizona. I'm staying in a temporary housing sitch until I get that real real place, so that's my deal as of this second. It's been a crazy ass week, and I kind of feel like this.

I've had to take care of a ton of beauty sh*t on the fly, so I bring to you the following tips, which would also work if you're some kind of badass fugitive person that Angelina Jolie would play in a TV movie. I'm assuming you're reading this on a burner cell phone with internet access.

The Bare Minimum (Just Trying Not to Frighten Children) Makeup Kit -- Just because I moved on Halloween, doesn't mean I'm trying to look so scary that dogs tuck their tails and cockroach-walk away from my ass. But you know that TSA doesn't eff around with bringing liquids on a plane, so I had to WAY whittle down my normal purse makeup wares, while still keeping enough sh*t on my person to not look TERRIBLE terrible.

I pretty much kept it to the essentials: something to even out my bleh skin (Kat von D Lock-It Powder Foundation, $34 from Sephora), a stub of my ride-or-die brow pencil (Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow Pencil in Blonde, $2.99 from drugstore.com), a mini sample of any mascara, and a nude/clear lip gloss (Model Co Shine Ultra Lip Gloss in Strip Tease, $16). This little set has kept me looking mediocre, and for that, I'm thankful as hell.

Getting Away From My Roots -- I don't have a current hair person, home address or a life plan, but you know what I do have? White trash blonde(ish) roots with dark brown hair. And homie don't play that sh*t, so I have to do something about that awfulness.

nice'n easy root touch-up for dark brown, $5.40 (target)

Full disclosure, I just got back from Target, and I actually bought the wrong crap, so I haven't EXACTLY used this stuff yet. I've heard it's great for blending away roots, and since I can't order my regular go-to color, Couture Colour, due to not having an actual address, and because I have exactly zero leads on a new hair guru, this is what's happening.

It costs roughly $5, so I'm not expecting effing Blake-Lively-with-a-fresh-blowout-esque beautiful hair, but it'll do, pig. It'll do. I'll let you know how it goes on a scale of crazy 1940's era hobo to Connie Britton.

Lazy Weapons of Gross Destruction -- I told you mofos a couple weeks ago about my new favorite dry shampoo, and let me tell you, that b has been holding it down in these trying times. (House/apartment/I'll live anywhere at this point is exhausting, yo.) I've also been turning to another one of my quick fix products many a night, lately.

koh gen do cleansing spa water, $13 (sephora)

I love Koh Gen Do Cleansing Spa Water, like, a lot. I put it on a cotton round and rub that mess all up on my mug, and it's like using a makeup wipe deal, but it's really gentle and leaves your face soft as a bumble bee body (no stinger). It allows me to be one of those horrible "I don't wash my face at night" people without the whole sleeping in my makeup part. I usually follow up by washing my face, but sometimes that just isn't in the productive adult person nighttime cards. WHEN IN ROME, you guys.

So bottom line, I'm back, and stuff. I'll be moving into a permanent place later on this week, so it might take me a couple of days to get the internets, and such. But I promise I'll try to not be super sh*tty and post as much as possible via stolen wifi, or whatever. (Don't read that part, police or potential neighbor people.)

If you're a Phoenix-area person that doesn't enjoy stabbing people, let me know. I want to go to a concert this weekend, and I need friends.

Until then, I'll be doing a lot of this.

Pin It

I've Never Been More Jealous Of Another Human.

Buzzfeed alerted me to the existence of this amazing dude named Chris Koo, doing an "eff, yes" version of Beyoncé's "Crazy In Love." I'm not even close to what you would call a Beyoncé fan, but baby boo just slayed that sh*t, solid. I'm not sure if young Chris Koo's (hot name, BTW) body even contains normal humanoid bones, or if they're made of Billy Cosby-sponsored Jello.

I'm also lucky that I don't currently own a Flowbee, or I would be attaching that sh*t to my vacuum immediately and putting the "flouncy, bouncy bowl cut" setting on my mop.



Here's the O.G. (AKA boring, vanilla soft serve sans sprinkles version with 100% less Chris Koo) version, if you need a refresher. I'm off to get a straw for my super sized non-haterade, because I love this guy.




Pin It

Blogging Note: You're About To Be Real Tired Of My Bullsh*t.

Hey guys, how's whatever you're working with hanging lately? I wouldn't know, because I haven't even opened my laptop in days. Why? I'm currently the worst.

here's a glittery kitten graphic for your troubles.

I found out earlier this week that I'm moving (from Florida) to a far, far land in the contiguous United States in less than two weeks. I'm being annoyingly vague because my husband works in the entertainment(ish) field, and I can't even say where I'm moving until that sh*t is announced. But it's a shipping cars/dogs flying on an airplane for the first time/I don't even know what the eff I'm doing kind of deal, and that means that I hate everything on this Earth right now. Oh, and I'm working my retail job until the day before we go. I hate everything to Mars.

Bottom line, I'm not going to have an inordinate amount of time for blog effery. So please don't stab my eyeballs out with flaming toothpicks for being even more sh*tty than normal. Or maybe you don't have two effs to rub together about my lack of posting, I don't know your life like that.

So that will be my deal for the next few weeks. I will be trying to post as much as I can, so don't totally give up on this hot ass mess. And if you have helpful tips on how to make two terrible chihuahuas actually behave like civilized creatures, or know how to be an effective packing person or just life person -- let my ass know. Or send me a wine basket.

Keep up with my nonsense on my Twitter and Facebook, if you care to be in my bizznazz.





Pin It

My New Favorite Dry Shamps, When You've Had Too Much Champs

I was at a friend's wedding this past weekend, and needless to say, my ass shut that sh*t down. The red wine, champagne and dancing was flowing like The River Runs Through It, and I was totally partaking.

So when the next annoying as eff, sunshiny day rolled around, and I had to be at work in, like, ten minutes, I turned to my new lazy BFF. My newest enemy to oily, gross hair is the Macadamia Natural Oil Volumizing Dry Shampoo, that the nice people of Macadamia Natural Oil Hair people sent me a few weeks ago.

macadamia natural oil volumizing dry shampoo, $25 at ulta.com

There are a few things that I look for in a ride or die dry shampoo -- it has to actually work (friggin' duh), it can't leave white mess all up on my noggin, and it better smell good. Well this stuff knocks all three of those criteria right out the damn park.

I can't tell you how many "GREAT ON BRUNETTE HAIR" dry shampoos (from super reputable brands) I have tried that did absolutely nothing to my hair, leaving it still looking like a hot ass, oily mess post-spritz. Not cool, man. Or the ones that work wonderfully, but leave my dark hair looking like I have a George Washington-cutting-down-the-ol'-cherry-tree-sporting-wooden-teeth wig on. So when I find a dry shamp that works like a dream, smells like angel armpits (I imagine they smell delightful), and is truly invisible, 'tis a good day.

My only infant-sized gripe about this beautiful goodness? I wish it were a smidge larger, 'cause I'll be using up this can tout suite, with my oily ass.

You can check it out for yourself from Ulta, here.




Pin It

I Report, You Decide: Topless Usher Edition (With an Assist From #StarbucksDrakeHands)

I don't know how I feel about these new pictures of Usher from Men's Health, you guys. On one hand, Usher is quite an attractive guy.

On the other hand, I've always gotten a Papa Smurf facial vibe from him.

I also wasn't picking up what the MH article was putting down when they claimed that dude is 5'10". I've always felt 5'8" MAX tallness from Usher. So, you tell me, is this hot? My indecisive ass can't decide.

But you know who I wouldn't do? Starbucks Drake Hands, who did a (non)riveting interview with the illustrious Inside Edition.


via the frisky

I do not believe you, kind sir. That video WAS NOT made in jest. You were as serious as the fact that you need to 86 haircut, my man. I know that you are in mourning for your sex life, because you are never getting laid again by anyone with an internet connection or 3G service.

HAHA, b*tch!




all pics via mens health

Pin It

Quick Sh*t: Today's My Anniversary, So Here's a Video Clip From My Wedding

Just kidding, we had way less fun than this.

via reddit


Pin It

How To Look Like A Hot B*tch In Pictures

I don't give an eff if you're taking a selfie (bleh with that word, I'm sorry) or going to be on the cover of Homegirl Weekly, there are some basic rules to keep from looking like a basic b*tch.

Get your skin tone in check. I told you guys a couple weeks ago that one the number one killers to a sexy ass picture is having your face color be "off." There are a few culprits here: sunscreen, translucent powders, and foundation that doesn't match your face.

You may have seen this picture of Miley floating around the interwebs this week, with people thinking that she licked off her makeup with her rogue tongue, but I'm of the camp thinking it's more a translucent powder tragedy. (P.S. Is there a baby safety pin involved above?) Translucent powders often have an ingredient that makes lights (like a flash) reflect back and create a white look. Not f*cking cute.

If you are getting whatever deal photo taken, skip the powder finish and use another finishing option like the Mally Beauty Poreless Face Defender. You'll keep your makeup on your face without having at least this one of Miley's issues.

Figure out your best side. Have you ever noticed how famous b*tches always seem to take photographs from the same angle over and over? That's because those homies know which side is their "hot side."

this is how i'll be on the cover of vogue next month

The easiest way to find your good side is to grab a sheet of printer/letter/prison love note paper and hold it up, covering half of your face, while looking in the mirror. Then move it over to the other side, and check that sh*t. Your good side is the one that looks more lifted and symmetrical. That's the side that you should angle toward the camera, and also the side on which you should part your mop.

Don't skimp on eyeliner and blush, even if you don't usually wear it. NOTHING washes out your damn face more than a camera flash. It's like washing your face with bleach.

To combat that dumb effery, be heavier handed with your makeup application than you typically would, especially with eyeliner and blush or bronzer. Apply the amount you would like to appear to be wearing, then PUT SOME MORE ON. If you don't typically wear that stuff, put it on honey bun, or risk looking like this.

Except sleepier, and with less emphasis on the eyes. Now get to work, b*tch.










  Pin It