Ballsy on a Budget-- White Polish Edition

There's just something about white polish, man. It's so bright and perfect, and weirdly edgy. It makes me feel like a high school kid boredly white out-ing their asses into emo perfection.

cameo by kiki la rue, who won't get the eff out of the shot

But here's the thing about white nail polish -- sh*t's a totally b*tch to get right. It's very often bumpy, and takes friggin' FOR. EV. ER. to dry, so it's usually totally effed within the hour. But I finally got badassery in a bottle this time around with a few tricks. First, you HAVE to use a base coat. I used Bassline from Floss Gloss. I followed it up with a WHITE BASE POLISH, using the base from one of the Revlon Nail Art Neon Nail Enamels. I then used a coat (or two -- can't remember) of whatever white polish you're into. Just make sure it's opaque. Finish it up with a top coat, doy, because you don't want it to look like you used white out FOR REAL, for real. Aaaannnnd scene.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

As you should, boo boo. As you should.




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Quick Sh*t: Met Gala Roundup

The Met Gala/Met Ball/whatevs was last night, and people got all fancy as eff and walked around being important and ish. Here are some quick highlights. 

As per ush, J Law was the HBIC.

via vulture

And Marion Cotillard and Lena Dunham thought that ish was friggin' funny. SJP's badass head f*ckery blocked her peripheral vision, and homegirl missed the whole thing.

This person was there and claimed to be Zooey Deschanel. Who dat? But f'real, without bangs boo boo has 50's housewife mop commercial face.

Miley Cyrus needs to stop the insanity, and Susan Powter needs to sue this b for copyright infringement.

Her look is getting bitten WAAAAY hard. (Sorry young people, google it.)

There were a lot of other b faces that looked awesome, and a ton of people that looked half sh*tty, but I don't care enough to talk about their asses.

I SAID QUICK.




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This Gloss is the Sauce. (Gloss on Gloss on Gloss.)

elizabeth arden beautiful color luminous lip gloss, $18 each

I'm a friggin' loose lady when it comes to lip gloss. I love that ish. It's sexy, and makes your lips feel real, real noooiiice. So when I was sent Elizabeth Arden's Beautiful Color Luminous Lip Gloss in Rose Creme, Cameo, and Coral Kiss to try, I was excited. I don't recall ever trying an Elizabeth Arden gloss before, but after trying these three, I'll let them holla at your girl whenever they want.

 Here's the deets from EA:

"Beautiful Color fuses with care. Multidimensional, moisture rich formula provides lips with long-wearing, vibrant color and brilliant shine. Infused with mango and shea butters to condition and help lock in moisture, and Maxi-Lip™ to plump the appearance of lips. Packaged conveniently with built-in mirror for on-the-go application."

These are moisturizing glosses, and supa dupa fly shiny. AND THEY HAVE A MIRROR ON THE PACKAGING, which is a boss addition to any lip gloss tube. Plus, they smell like vanilla freaking cookie. Like your grandma would make. Hot. So what I'm saying is --

Take it all, and give me ALL THE GLOSSES, MAN. Check out all the colors available here.





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Tanning Mom Is Bringing You Your New Favorite Club Banger (Nope. She's Totally Not.)

I know, you guys. I'm effing writing about Tanning Mom AGAIN, like a b*tch. But when you come across some straight effery like this right here, it really can't be ignored.

TMZ once again has the good good (or the bad bad) on ol' Patty Krentcil, and has released this clip from her song that will be released tomorrow. Honey child has the voice of an angel this lady. And those lyrics are effing flawless. So set the ish out of your alarm clocks tonight so you can buy this song first thing in the morning, and you can rock out with your SMOCK out all day tomorrow.

practical AND shapeless

I'm sure you hate me for bringing this nonsense song into your life and ear holes, but at least we know that TM kind of hates birds? (Or something?)

Okay, okay, I'm leaving. You can bill me for that extra Cinco marg that you'll have to have to erase this sh*t from your brain. (No, you can't.)




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How to Use Boring Household Stuff to Up Your Beauty Game

What did you b faces do today? I put Walmart brand Pepto-Bismol all up on my grill. And it looked like this --

What? That's what my face always looks like. Like a beautiful angel. Or like Buster from Arrested Development.

Whatever, same sh*t. But the realness to this is WHY I had Pepto on muh face. You can use it as a face mask for oily skin, to de-gunk and de-grease that mess. I left it on for like 10 or 15 minutes, and after I rinsed my face, that b felt smooth and not oily at all. I guess it makes sense -- it gets rid of the greasy grossies in your tummy, so why wouldn't it work on your mug? Brings a whole new meaning to "Smooth move, ex-lax." (Bleh, that was awful and pun-y. Don't worry, I hate myself.) There are scientific reasons to why this works on your face, but they were too boring to read and I was over it. Word of warning: If you have dry or sensitive skin, don't try this. Oily b's only.

Oh hey, stock file photo. I've been using toothpaste in for non-tooth purposes for 20 years, because I'm old. And old people do things for over 20 years, and then tell you about it. Toothpaste is great for drying up zits, and it's (obviously) super old school. Put this ish on individual bumps (not all over your face) to dry them up over night. Here's the catch: You have to use white toothpaste. (I know, it's racist and rude.) I don't know why this is, it just is.

pic via pandawhale

 Like Lindsay Lohan being a delightful hot mess, it's just a fact of life.

Speaking of Lilo (I kid, I kid!), this delightful white powder (baking soda) is pretty much a beauty genie. If you add baking soda to pretty much anything, it becomes more clarifying and a stronger cleanser. I add it to mud/clay face masks to really get into my pores. You can add it to your facial cleanser (every now and then -- don't get effing crazy) for deep cleansing. I really love it to make any shampoo a clarifying shampoo. Just put a little in your hand, add the shamps, and lather your ish.

That's it, yo. Yeah, science! Just don't start improvising, and using BLEACH bleach as hair dye, or whatever. And definitely don't do this crap.



What. Is. Wrong. With. Your. Brain?


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HAHA of the Day: Reese Witherspoon's Arrest Video

I didn't cover it when I heard that Reese Witherspoon's ass got arrested for being annoying, or whatever, the other day because I don't really give a rat's b hole. BUT, I will post the dash cam video that TMZ posted because homegirl is acting uber uppity and hilarious. Sh*t's better than Four Christmases.



Next time, I just really hope she says this --



It would be more appropriate. And if you couldn't de-screech Reese's speech enough to understand what she was saying, here are some quotes from TMZ:

Reese: "Do you know my name sir?"
Officer: "Don't need to know."
Reese "You don't NEED to know my name?"
Officer: "Not quite yet."
Reese: "YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHO I AM!"

Reese: "I have done nothing against the law."
Officer: "Yes you did, you didn't obey my orders."
Reese: "I HAVE TO OBEY YOUR ORDERS??"

Reese: "I'm now being arrested and handcuffed??"

Reese: "I'm an American citizen ... I'm allowed to stand on American ground."

Reese: "You better not arrest me."

Reese: "I'm being anti-American?"
Officer: "Yes, please sit down."
Reese: "Wow!"

Reese: "You're harassing me as an American citizen"

HAHAHAHA! I smell a hit one woman show on Broadway. 

B needs to suck on a Werther's and take a damn seat. I am not that into you, Reese Witherspoon.

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I talk about just a handful of ways that I've effed up my (beauty) life in "I've Been Around the Beauty Block: My Biggest Beauty Mistakes (And How to Avoid Them)." Check it out here.



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