I'm a friggin' loose lady when it comes to lip gloss. I love that ish. It's sexy, and makes your lips feel real, real noooiiice. So when I was sent Elizabeth Arden's Beautiful Color Luminous Lip Gloss in Rose Creme, Cameo, and Coral Kiss to try, I was excited. I don't recall ever trying an Elizabeth Arden gloss before, but after trying these three, I'll let them holla at your girl whenever they want.
Here's the deets from EA:
"Beautiful Color fuses with care. Multidimensional, moisture rich formula
provides lips with long-wearing, vibrant color and brilliant shine.
Infused with mango and shea butters to condition and help lock in
moisture, and Maxi-Lip™ to plump the appearance of lips. Packaged
conveniently with built-in mirror for on-the-go application."
These are moisturizing glosses, and supa dupa fly shiny. AND THEY HAVE A MIRROR ON THE PACKAGING, which is a boss addition to any lip gloss tube. Plus, they smell like vanilla freaking cookie. Like your grandma would make. Hot. So what I'm saying is --
Take it all, and give me ALL THE GLOSSES, MAN. Check out all the colors available here.
I know, you guys. I'm effing writing about Tanning Mom AGAIN, like a b*tch. But when you come across some straight effery like this right here, it really can't be ignored.
TMZ once again has the good good (or the bad bad) on ol' Patty Krentcil, and has released this clip from her song that will be released tomorrow. Honey child has the voice of an angelthis lady. And those lyrics are effing flawless. So set the ish out of your alarm clocks tonight so you can buy this song first thing in the morning, and you can rock out with your SMOCK out all day tomorrow.
practical AND shapeless
I'm sure you hate me for bringing this nonsense song into your life and ear holes, but at least we know that TM kind of hates birds? (Or something?)
Okay, okay, I'm leaving. You can bill me for that extra Cinco marg that you'll have to have to erase this sh*t from your brain. (No, you can't.)
What did you b faces do today? I put Walmart brand Pepto-Bismol all up on my grill. And it looked like this --
What? That's what my face always looks like. Like a beautiful angel. Or like Buster from Arrested Development.
Whatever, same sh*t. But the realness to this is WHY I had Pepto on muh face. You can use it as a face mask for oily skin, to de-gunk and de-grease that mess. I left it on for like 10 or 15 minutes, and after I rinsed my face, that b felt smooth and not oily at all. I guess it makes sense -- it gets rid of the greasy grossies in your tummy, so why wouldn't it work on your mug? Brings a whole new meaning to "Smooth move, ex-lax." (Bleh, that was awful and pun-y. Don't worry, I hate myself.) There are scientific reasons to why this works on your face, but they were too boring to read and I was over it. Word of warning: If you have dry or sensitive skin, don't try this. Oily b's only.
Oh hey, stock file photo. I've been using toothpaste in for non-tooth purposes for 20 years, because I'm old. And old people do things for over 20 years, and then tell you about it. Toothpaste is great for drying up zits, and it's (obviously) super old school. Put this ish on individual bumps (not all over your face) to dry them up over night. Here's the catch: You have to use white toothpaste. (I know, it's racist and rude.) I don't know why this is, it just is.
Like Lindsay Lohan being a delightful hot mess, it's just a fact of life.
Speaking of Lilo (I kid, I kid!), this delightful white powder (baking soda) is pretty much a beauty genie. If you add baking soda to pretty much anything, it becomes more clarifying and a stronger cleanser. I add it to mud/clay face masks to really get into my pores. You can add it to your facial cleanser (every now and then -- don't get effing crazy) for deep cleansing. I really love it to make any shampoo a clarifying shampoo. Just put a little in your hand, add the shamps, and lather your ish.
That's it, yo. Yeah, science! Just don't start improvising, and using BLEACH bleach as hair dye, or whatever. And definitely don't do this crap.
I didn't cover it when I heard that Reese Witherspoon's ass got arrested for being annoying, or whatever, the other day because I don't really give a rat's b hole. BUT, I will post the dash cam video that TMZ posted because homegirl is acting uber uppity and hilarious. Sh*t's better than Four Christmases.
Next time, I just really hope she says this --
It would be more appropriate. And if you couldn't de-screech Reese's speech enough to understand what she was saying, here are some quotes from TMZ:
Reese: "Do you know my name sir?" Officer: "Don't need to know." Reese "You don't NEED to know my name?" Officer: "Not quite yet." Reese: "YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHO I AM!"
Reese: "I have done nothing against the law." Officer: "Yes you did, you didn't obey my orders." Reese: "I HAVE TO OBEY YOUR ORDERS??"
Reese: "I'm now being arrested and handcuffed??"
Reese: "I'm an American citizen ... I'm allowed to stand on American ground."
Reese: "You better not arrest me."
Reese: "I'm being anti-American?" Officer: "Yes, please sit down." Reese: "Wow!"
Reese: "You're harassing me as an American citizen"
HAHAHAHA! I smell a hit one woman show on Broadway.
B needs to suck on a Werther's and take a damn seat. I am not that into you, Reese Witherspoon.
This week for Allure, I talk about just a handful of ways that I've effed up my (beauty) life in "I've Been Around the Beauty Block: My Biggest Beauty Mistakes (And How to Avoid Them)." Check it out here.
Wine is the ish, you guys. And so beauty mess that reminds me of my ride-or-die b, wine, is the ish, by proxy. Doy. And now that I have your attention (WINE) and I'm drinking (WINE), let's get this party started. But not with P!nk. I'm not that drunk. (Yet.)
My favorite wine-inspo category is probably the nail variety. Wine nails are effin' hot, y'allz. They're vampy and sexy, and make my ass feel glamorous, which is kind of a hard thing to do. I'm trash.
I've already told you homies about the deal with Essie's Recessionista, but it's worth repeating. To me, it's a true wine color. It's not as dark as some wine-y polishes, and it's super classy -- if that's your bag o' tricks. I'm you are a tad darker, and maybe a cheap ass --
then Revlon's Top Speed in Forbidden might be for you. It's goth, hot, and dries fast. (Three things I look for in a dude...NO!) Plus, it's $3 right now on drugstore.com, so go snatch that ish, crazy brains.
The Elizabeth Arden peeps sent over some of their new blush colors for me to try, and I'm super into this one. It's called Plum Perfection, so it's not REALLY wine, but I'm sure you can get plum wine...somewhere. This blush has the tiniest hint of glimmer, and it's very subtle, so you can use it and not feel like you belong in the Insane Clown Posse. (If ICP were really into wearing heavy blush, or something.) But the color is really cool and different, so I'm into it. Just keep it to the apples of your cheeks to keep from looking like you were somehow squeezed into an 80's time capsule.
I got this tarte LipSurgence somewhere, at some point in time (I can't be held to remembering actual THINGS), and I live for this sh*t. I really love tarte lip products because they are minty and fabulous. And I REALLY love this stuff because it's what Kat Dennings wears on 2 Broke Girls, and I want to borderline Single White Female that b. It lasts a long time, and you can also apply and blot if you want a more demure, stain-y look. (But who the eff does?!?)
Okay, that's it, mofos. I'm all wined out. (NEVAAAAR!)
Warning: Lyrics NSFW, but video is 100% SFL, if you like sexy things.
If this video is a joke, IMMA BE SO PISSED. Move over Drake, because Amanda Bynes is about to be asking this tiny slice of do' ragged, side burned, happy trailed heaven named Dhananjay The First to murder her lady flower.
Dhananjay likes to discuss the size of his downstairs area in this song, but I'm a little concerned about it, because his underwear is at full-on high tide status.
And D is super resourceful, because he borrowed that stone washed denim jacket from the set of Brokeback Mountain. He's so sentimental.
At roughly the 1:00 mark we start to hit some rough waters. D's partner is REALLY wasting a lot of that Mumms. You have A LOT of homies, friend. Not to mention, he's totally ripped off Justin Bieber's dumbass ski mask thing.
I made this last night, and posted it to my instagram, because these are the things that I do with my life and time. And because JB looks prettier this way. And can we not even talk about what happens around the 1:13 mark? I had your back, D, and you get on that? No. But if you've made it to 1:19, you get rewarded with 14" of boxers and 3" of hairy chest (and bling). What a ratio. At about 1:30, I thought we had introduced a lady friend with lovely hands. But, no, that's just ol' Dhananj, showing off a preview of more swag that it to come. SOMEBODY'S been hitting up the thrift shops!
At 1:45, we realllly need some lighting here, guys. I know that your Gam Gam said you could use her fancy parlor to film in if you were super quiet and didn't disrupt her watching her stories, but this is ridiculous. SLOW PAN OUT...And scene.
Who the hell am I kidding? I LOVED THIS SH*T.
And, yet, I somehow feel like Jean Ralphio is behind this in some way.
