My Former Boyfriend, Jason London, MIGHT Have Pooped His Pants.

pic via (obviously) tmz

TMZ is reporting that Jason London, one half of the London twins that made up my dreams in the early 90's and sexy b*tch from Dazed and Confused, was arrested for ALLEGEDLY fighting bouncers, and then ALLEGEDLY used homophobic slurs to cops, AND THEN ALLEGEDLY POO POOED HIS PANTS. Go over there and read all the details if you wish. It looks like somebody MIGHT ALLEGEDLY need some of these:



And when did all of my fantasy men get old as eff??? Dude's wearing my dad's glasses. I AM NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC OR HYPERBOLIC -- MY DAD HAS THOSE GLASSES. Is this where we are now? All of my pubescent mens that I was totally into are now old, wearing dad glasses, and possibly losing control of their bowels?

I hate my life. But probably not as much as Jason London hates his today. Catch up on his dramzzz on his twitter, too. LUUUUULZ.



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Random Homie: tarte Ultimate Lashes MultiplEYE Lash Primer & Mascara Duo from QVC

qvc, $27 for both

I love very few things in life, a couple of them being a GOOD ass deal and luxurious lashes. So when I found out that QVC was selling this tarte Ultimate Lashes MultiplEYE Lash Primer & Mascara Duo for $27 for FULL SIZE PRODUCTS, I begged them to send me a sample to test. I mean, this ish is a $41 value, guys -- that's a badass deal.

Now before I get into the nitty gritty deets of this stuff, lemme give you a little backstory on my lash history. (Lashtory?) I used Latisse for like a year and a half, and had insane (non-clown posse) eyelashes. When I had to stop using it, for reasons of being a broke ass b, it broke my shallow heart. Since that time, I have tried a ton of products to try to get the most from my post-Latisse, "normal person" lashes. The combination of this tarte multiplEYE lash primer and Lights, Camera, Lashes! Mascara really give a ton of extra jazz hands to my lashes, and really gets the job done. I just do one coat of primer, wait a bit, then a coat (or two, if you're nasty) of mascara. Viola, sexy mofo eyeballs in the house.

If you're looking to get the most from your lashes, without going the fauxness route, totally try this little duo. Check it out on QVC here.

via parksandrec tumblr

You'll be forever photoshoot ready, Knope style.


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Boy, Boys. Can't I Just Have You All?

My God, this is terrifying. I feel like I just escaped from 293,840 serial murders. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THIS SH*T IS YOUR BEST FIRST IMPRESSION??? Here are my thoughts, in order:

• Oh hey, dude number one -- you can take off the effing weightlifting belt. You're sitting in a friggin' chair, ya douche.
• No one named Maurice is a, a-hem, "wild man." (Except maybe the dad in Beauty and the Beast.)
• BIG PHIL??? In comparison to what? Gross, don't answer that.
• Hey "deep into the night" satin shirt, you can't even SIT UP for two minutes???
• Mike, the anti-smoking dude, why did you pirouette a quarter turn? This isn't Glamour Shots. Or maybe it was. Like a two-for-one type deal...
• LISTEN MAURICE, you don't own a tuxedo, and Men's Warehouse is NOT going to refund your deposit, so good luck with that.
• WHY IS YOUR MOM WATCHING THIS, REINDEER SWEATER? You must feel pretty confident that you'll get a date in a timely manner, by wearing such a seasonal piece. Ballsy.
• Best Hair Award has to go to "fashion photography." Did you see that volume? That length??
• I wish an overgrown monster would effing eat your ass, crazy shirt.
• Guy with the rose -- I'm going to vom. You don't even know WTF you're talking about. You. Are. The. Worst.
• WHAT??? YOU GUYS ENJOY HAVING FUN? We have so much in common.
• What is a hamster? Like literally, you don't like the pet rodent?
• I can't even hate on suspenders. Get me that b*tch's number.
• Cats AND domestic violence? That's a tall order. (P.S. Doesn't domestic violence/sexual abuse look like Bruce Jenner?)
• "I average four hours a night's sleep. The rest of the time I am murdering people."
• I might really be in love with reindeer sweater. He's got some strong to quite strong ass eye contact.
• I refuse to even acknowledge the viking.

Why were the 80's so effing terrible? I'd rather do a Garbage Pail Kid than any of these dicks. (Except you, reindeer sweater. You's a keeper.)

 

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Random Homie: Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Daily Face Peel in Original Formula

Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Face Peel, $15-$78

I know that it seems as if I'm always bitching about the sh*tiness of my skin, and I'm trying to get better about. Like, at least I have a face. But if my new BFFs from Dr. Dennis Gross keep sending me bomb ass products like the Alpha Beta Daily Face Peel, I might not even have to whine anymore. Let's get a quote from the man to see what this stuff is all about:

“This anti-aging product not only diminishes the appearance of wrinkles, but helps complexion problems, balances oil, tones skin, and increases clarity and radiance. Plus, it proves a daily, gentle approach can give superior results vs. a harsh approach. Like exercising daily is better than a long workout once a week, it’s better to treat your skin daily."  - Dr. Dennis Gross

Dammit, I have to workout more. But I can tell you, coming from the crappy skin queen, that this product made a big ol' difference on my mean, mean mug. I mostly noticed that the discoloration I had from old breakouts have waaaaay faded, and my skin just looks more clear. Plus, it feels soft as a kitten's butt. And if you're on a budget, Dr. Gross now offers a little mini pack of five treatments for $15. Not too shabby, yo'.

Oh, and if you're worried about the degree of difficulties on something that sounds semi-ominous, have no fears. YOU WIPE YOUR FACE, WAIT TWO MINUTES, AND WIPE WITH ANOTHER WIPE. You've got this, brain surgeons. Check out all of the peel goodness here.



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Hair Had a Turrible, Turrible Night Last Night

So the SAG Awards happened last night, and although I never watch awards shows, because that sh*t is super boring, I do like to look at red carpet pictures. And judge them. Duh, have we met? And while I perused the photos over on Buzzfeed, I noticed a very tragic theme. People were werking some horrendous hair, overall.

WTF, Baldwin? I turn to your ass to be the hot old dude. WHAT IS THIS?

Frieda Pinto is a beautiful mofo, and she looks like she's chaperoning a school dance.

Put down the flat iron, Timmy. This is completely gross, and makes you look old.

No, Megan Draper. Zooby Zooby...No.

I LOVE YOU, Jon Hamm, but you look like someone photoshopped your face into this picture. It's weirding me out, man.

And I don't even know what in hair helmet hell I'm looking at here.

 I mean, amiright???

via realitytvgifs

UPDATE IN THIS B:

There seems to be some dissension in the ranks, m'ladies and gents. (I just finished watching Downton. Get off me.) I just received this text from my friend, who CLEARLY disagrees with my JT reading.

This isn't a friggin' totalitarian state, you guys. (Bringing it back to middle school history ish.) Am I way off on any of these? Free yo' mind...and the rest will follow.


all pics via buzzfeed Pin It

Sh*t Guys Should Never Wear

I'm glad I'm not a dude, you guys. You're so limited on your attractiveness level. You can't wear dresses or skirts, can't do too much with your hair, and can't wear makeup without b's judging the sh*t out of you. And guess what, dude-types? I'm about to limit your crap even more, because I have compiled a list of stuff that guys should never, ever wear. (Or just not around my ass.)

Cargo Shorts

 Who needs two huge ass pockets attached to their person all the time? What the eff are you carrying around? The entire set of Encyclopedia Britannicas? The Encyclopedia Britannica guy???

I wish that were the case. I picked this specific picture of cargo shorts for a reason. I hate the socks, too. The leg flesh to cloth ratio is waaaay off. I can't handle it. It's gross.

Turtlenecks

I can't reiterate this fact enough. TURTLENECKS ARE EFFING HORRID. Don't wear them.

Sandals

What the hell kind of tom foolery is this?!? A man's feet are pretty unattractive anyway, but I really don't need to see dem b*tches highlighted in this fashion. I can deal with a flip flop here and there, but this is just show pony-ing some grossness. You're a step away from wearing a clear jelly shoe, sir. No friggin' thanks.

Jorts

I know that this is beating a dead horse, but jean shorts are the Devil's denim mistress for guys. The only thing worse are denim capri pants. I can only hope that they all simultaneously combust somehow. And can we please note the dude in the above photo's shirt? What is that? A baby tee?

Insane Jewelry

I might be in the minority here, but I am not a fan of dude jewelry (dudewelry???). There's something super skeevy about it to me. Like I'm in danger of being sold into an Eastern European sex trade, or something. Especially a lot of rings, not going there...

via nbcparksandrec tumblr

Did I miss any other grossness, ladies? Let's gross each other out.

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Random Homies: I'm Upping My Eyebrow Game With Billion Dollar Brows.

Hi, my name is Shannon, and I'm obsessed with eyebrows. But if you guys have read, like, ANYTHING I've ever written then you already know that. So when Billion Dollar Brows sent me some products to add to my iron-clad brow ritual, I was pretty closed-minded on the whole thing. I have been using the same eyebrow pencil/powder combo for roughly 48 years, and I don't like to w around too much on that routine. I like what I like, mmmmkay?

top, sans pencil (duh), bottom, after using the universal brow pencil

I started out with the Universal Brow Pencil ($15), which is exactly what the name states -- the color blends with pretty much any eyebrow color, unless maybe if you have EXTREMELY light brows. It's a nice, ashy tone that's a lightish to medium brown color. Because lemme tell you, if you use an orangey/brassy pencil, you WILL look crazy. I promise. And I'm not really sure why it looks like I was punched in the eye in this picture, weird lighting does crazy things. (???)

They also sent over this little beaut, the Smudge Brush ($15), which I originally thought was just completely unnecessary. But using it to blend in the penciling really makes it look like 76% better than the pencil alone. I find myself using this em effer every day, which is pretty shocking, considering my high levels of laziness.

The other product I tried was the Brow Duo Pencil ($18), which is half concealer, half highlighter pencil. It's like a mermaid, but makes your eyebrows friggin' awesome. (Why can't I just be a mermaid with amazing ass eyebrows? Life is so unfair.) This pencil is the perfect little friend to carry in your purse to give your eyes a pick-me-up with a dab of highlighter under the brow or a swipe of concealer to mask any craziness that you might have happening on your mug. I wasn't sure if this puppy would be too creamy to work on my oily ass mess of a face, but it's totally awesome and non-gross. (I'm very scientific with this ish.)

Bottom line -- I've been using all of these b's on the reg, and giving my old eyebrow homies a rest. This stuff is as good as a juggling Dylan McKay...

via 90210gifs

And that's the good good. Check out everything that BDB has to offer here.




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