You guys know that I love some fake tan swag. I've been using self tanners since most of you were wearing those awkward ass bloomer underwear with the lace and ruffle crap on them. But lately, I have been wearing my REAL SKIN. (Okay, that sounds insane. I'm not Buffalo Bill, or anything. But, it puts the lotion on its skin.) Probably due to mostly laziness, I haven't been self tanning as often. That doesn't mean that my white ass hasn't been trying ish to bring to you b's. Just because I am currently going through a goth phase, doesn't mean you have to.
I have found some ERRRMAZING tanning products that have been sent to me over the past couple of months. One that I am currently totally on board with is Vani-T Bronzing Custard (about $25).
The lotion-y good good.
Using this little lovely potion a few times a week on my legs keeps them from looking like my pegs fell off that little b from The Ring. What can I say? Sometimes I like tans on my legs, not on my face.
I just had to stop writing to watch my absolutely tootley favorite moment in history. If you don't love Steven, you may go ahead and excuse yourself. (And not to excuse your beauty.) I am COMPLETELY obsessed with this Bronzing Custard. It smells really good, and has absolutely zero of that tell-tale self tanner reek. And I have never seen a streak, and blotch, or any other standard tanning faux faux pas. It has also been used by the likes of Victoria Beckham, Jennifer Anniston, and MY BORING ASS. But the best thing about the Vani-T products:
Are rich in natural and organic ingredients
Contain NO mineral oils or paraffin
Contain NO parabens
Contain NO sulphates
Contain NO talc, bismuth oxychloride
Contain NO petrochemicals DEA, TEA
Contain NO artificial colours*
DO NOT participate in animal testing
Are high in vitamins, active ingredients, luscious natural oils and pure botanicals
So if you like to smell like angels and look like Posh Spice, this one's for you, honey bunny. Check out more about Vani-T here. Now we've covered that bod, but there are (many) times that I also like tans on my face. (Sorry, Steven.) And I have fallen in love with a facial tanning towel. Awkward.
Oh, hey, new boo boo.
Meet by favorite tanning boyfriend (Yes, my life is sad.), Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Glow Pad, ($18-$65). This stuff is beyond the cat's pajamas. It's like the werewolf's ballgown, or something. As long as I have been using self tanners, I have never found something that gives me an even tan on my face. I've always looked like I might/might not have just finished a mud wrestling match on my mug. But this little towelette (How much do you love that word?) packs may-juh punch, and it has more than enough product for your face, neck, and chesticles. My face tan also lasted a week, which is unheard of in the self tanning world. Trust me, I checked message boards and ish. (Nope. No, I didn't.) Oh, and by the way, this mess EXFOLIATES your skin, and stuff: Alpha Beta® Glow Pad is the only anti-aging, exfoliating sunless tanner that contains active Vitamin D (the sun vitamin) to provide smoother, healthier skin and natural radiance year-round. Microencapsulated DHA and Soy Protein deliver color deep into skin to prevent fading through surface exfoliation.
I was watching the latest episode of 30 Rock last night, when this abomination came upon my screen -- the dreaded man turtleneck. It was actually a small plot point on the episode. You know, the fact that turtlenecks are TERRIBLE. Even the name is gross. Who would want a neck like a turtle? Have you seen a turtle's neck? Don't agree with me? Hold your mother effin' horses sister, and let us take a 'neck tour.
I'm pretty sure that this is a terrible joke.
A typical turtleneck patron. The cat is sickened to his core.
What in the eff is this Devil's neck maiden???
Mmmmkay. What kind of weird ass door is that? How does it even work?
Well of course. My nemesis surfaces again. P.S. This picture is friggin' creepy.
My case of the sads is almost to overpowering to even make fun of this sh*t. (I said ALMOST, b's.) I'm not going to lie, I've watched this about seven times. And I'm confused about many a thing here, mainly, why this video even exists. Do we really need a tutorial on how to mix cheese and canned chili together and microwave it? Or the least effective way to open a bag of chips? Who exactly is this gentleman, and can I get yo' number? AAAAAND who taught him how to stir stuff? AAAAAND can I be part of your small group?
I really don't even have anything to say, except that if the man even needs someone to come to his basement apartment to watch reruns of The Facts of Life, I'll meet you there. At least I know what we'll be eating. And now, I have to go...
This week in my Allure blog, I'm giving shaving tips for all of the ladies and gents in light of it being the end of Movember. Mustaches and all hairs be gone! Click here to see how to Get Mo' From Your Movember Shaving Excursion.
Oh, hot damn. This is my jam. (What song was that? A Black Eyed Peas, or something? Hell if I know.) I have tried many a lip scrub, y'alls. I usually put them all into a big, fat ol' "meh" category. A lot of them tend to be chunky, or scratchy, or do-nothings. But lemme tell you about this little pumpkin, which is a LIP SCRUB on the bottom, and a LIP BALM on the top. That's straight simple genius, yo. All you do is scrub-a-dub for half a minute or so (I found it worked best after a shower), and then balm up the pout. My lips feel brand spankin' new! Like I ripped them off a toddler's face, or something. And my lips are always dry. I took Accutane back in the mid 90's (Shut up, I know I'm old as sh*t), and ever since then, I've had a problem with lip dryness. (On my face -- you gross b's.)
Looks like mama's found a new LFF. (Lip friend forever. Obviously.)
Ho-leeee mother eff, you guys. What in hairless cat face hell happened to Jordan Catalano?
Jared Leto and a friend on their way to lunch.
I know that this sh*t is for a movie, but get this b some brow toupees or something, man. I can't be having that mess all shoved up in my eyeballs. It's freaking me out.
Jared is usually a stone cold ass fox, so this is some harsh crap. I will donate my hair to make this man some emergency brows, if need be. I AM FRIGHTENED. What the eff would Rickie say about this?
Oh. Well, Rickie's too busy being hot to worry about Jordan/Jared's eyebrow game. But you know who's not? My ass.
As soon as I put these on in the shower, I started soft-shoeing, because that is what one does when one puts on white gloves. Especially when one wants to be an old timey gentleman. So after my routine, I decided to actually use them for their intended purpose, and to stop being a friggin' weirdo for two minutes. And lemme tell you, these little gloves can exfoliate with the best of them. You get loofah-esque levels of exfoliation, but with much easier use. I also like that there are actually TWO gloves, because a lot of times you get one, and then you are caught switching hands four million times per shower. And that crap is not cute when you're a lazy mofo.
There's also a tag on the glove that tells you when to replace it. When the ink fades from the tag, you throw dem b's out! How easy is that? So I give these lil' mamas two enthusiastic and exfoliated thumbs up! Now, I have to go take my pants off and pretend I'm Donald Duck. Don't call the police.
