GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone In This Video

This is a glorious little doozy about supermarket tabloids. You can pretty much skip to like 1:50 on this video, so you can get straight to the crazies. Let's talk about things that are happening here.

Alien Lady -- Did they also abduct your eyebrows? Why are you talking about this in front of your kid? Completely inappropriate. And your art work is nothing short of atrocious.

Dummy Guy -- What the hell is this meeting with other dummies? That is the dumbest story I've ever heard. (ZING!) Stick to the roads, sister. Stick to the roads.

Devil Toaster -- Your acting is ridiculous. You straight up just showed burned toast that you scraped words into with a knife. And that little "fire show?" B, please. You've got to come a little harder than that.

Oh, and the reporter guy? Take off that khaki fishing vest. You look like a douche. And like the guy that made Lord of the Rings.

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Dammit! Snooki Ruins Everything for My Ass.

Last week, I told you guys about my desire to have red hair, and whether or not I should try. Most of you told me I should, and I was about 90% sure that I was going to go for it. Until I saw this.

Mutha effin' Snooki dyed her hair red yesterday. I CANNOT follow in Snooki's footsteps. I've already changed a lot about myself after Snooki came onto the scene. Here I am in October of 2009.

Jersey Shore premiered in December of 2009.

So in response, I WAAAY toned down my self tanning and stopped dying my hair black. I have been trying to avoid the comparisons between the two or us. We're both short, and the similarities were just too strong for my ass. I thought I was in the clear, until this mess yesterday. DAMMIT, SNOOKI!

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Random Homie: Fun by Lush Fresh Handmade Cosmetics

Fun by Lush, $6.95 each

I feel like this product was MADE for me, even though I really think it's more for kids. Too bad, kids! Too bad! Fun is a new product from Lush Cosmetics (a brand that I LOVE), which can be used as a soap, shampoo, or bubble bath. But the best part is...YOU CAN MOLD IT LIKE CLAY. Whaaaaat? So, of course, I wanted to be completely overly ambitious and create a masterpiece molded after the Falcor, the dragon from The Neverending Story. I mean, obviously.

Well, come on, people. If you have read this blog for 2.5 seconds, you know that laziness is my number one priority. So instead, I made this.

It's a doughnut! The nice peeps at Lush sent me the yellow (vanilla), green (lemon/lime), and red/orange (duh, mandarin orange), so I wanted to use all of the colors. And naturally, I wanted to create something delicious as eff.

And here's after I took a big ass bite of my fauxnut. No! I broke off a piece to use in the shower, obviously. That little bitty piece was enough to last through the shower, and the combination of smells made me want to eat a real doughnut. And there was no gross residue, which is a pet peeve of mine when using a soap. And here's another awesome bonus from the Lush website:

2.5% of sales from every bar of FUN is contributed to the FUNd, a LUSH initiative which supports charities in Fukushima, Japan that create safe places for children to play outside.

Cool, right? Go see all of the Fun varieties here. Now, I am off to eat a real doughnut. No, I'm not! (Yes, I am.)



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It's Ryan Gosling's Birthday, Girl.

In celebration of the hotness that is currently Ryan Gosling, let's look upon another time. A time when the Gos Sauce was not SO hot...

Oh sh*t. This is the best. I can't even hang with those accessories.

Sweet headband.

Aaaand with a cameo from JT's hair. Yikes

Now back to the current day.

 Pretty much.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Jessica Biel-Timberlake's Toddler Hair

via celebuzz

Firstly, is Cindy Lou Who up there taking the Timberlake last name? I feel like you are REALLY missing out if you don't take that name. It sounds like a friggin' rustic Summer's Eve scent. I'm jealous. But I'll tell you what I'm certainly not jealous of -- whatever the eff homegirl has going with her "I'm going to keep my bangs off my face" deal. She seriously looks like every toddler I have ever seen in Target.

I'll use this still watermarked stock file photo because I really felt like a creepy a-hole using some random kid's picture from a mom blog, or something. But seriously. Has JB-T never heard of a couple of bobby pins before? Is she trying to get an endorsement deal with Goody? And according to the description of the photos, this was taken when she was leaving a business meeting. Oh honey, no.

You aren't getting that gig. Unless you were auditioning to play an adult toddler. In that case, you nailed it.



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Get Ready to Rock Out With Your...Nevermind. It's Thanksgiving, According to This Young Lady.

I've found my new jam to twerk it to, you guys. This is Nicole Westbrook, and she wants you to know that it's Thanksgiving. I don't even know what the story is here, but I do kind of want that dude's turkey hat. But seriously, are we just letting kids do whatever the eff they want to these days? (Sh*t, I'm old.)



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Random Homie: Ralph Lauren Big Pony (Whaaa?) Women's Collection #2 Perfume

sephora, $19-$70

Perfume is friggin' weird, iddnit? (Copyright: Ursula the sea witch) There is a scent to every way you ever want to feel. I have perfume that I wear when I want to be a slightly dirty, yet expensive gothy lady of the night, when I want to be a sweet, innocent fairy person (or Courtney Stodden), and I have this stuff. I got this pony as part of the Best of Beauty Swag, and had zero idea of the name until just now. BIG PONY COLLECTION??? Now I like this ish even more. I like this on a day where I want to pretend that I am a fancy, preppy lady that inherited her great grandmama's pearl necklace. (You don't know how badly I have to refrain from making wildly inappropriate jokes right now. Deep breaths...)

This perfume smells sweet, clean, and fresh. Like a sunny Summer's (not eve) day. I feel more clean when I spray it, even if my lazy ass hasn't happened to have showered. (Hey, that ish happens when you're LAZEEE 4 LYFE, and sometimes quite frequently. Judge away, I'll just be spraying my Big Pony over here.) Bottom line, I want to ride this pony.



Sorry. I would be COMPLETELY remiss if I didn't go there. Good God, where is Ginuwine?

P.S. Now that I'm older, I totally appreciate the fact that Ginuwine actually misspelled genuine so that he could have "wine" in his name.

P.P.S. THIS.





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