Lazy Blogging: Go Read Something That I Already Wrote

Pic via Allure.com

My next installment for Allure's Daily Beauty Reporter is up. And this time I talk about my bang journey and stalking Krysten Ritter and Carly Rae Jepsen. Go read it here.



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Creepy Ass Beauty: I Like to Live Vicariously Through Dolls.

I was kind of a spoiled kid. I had not one, but all three (that was all that was available at the time) of the American Girl dolls -- Kirsten, Molly, and Samantha. My favorite was Samantha, by far. She was a hoity toity b, and came with a freakin' velvet clutch and a fancy ass, albeit somewhat ill-fitting, hat. How can you hate on that ish?

If you guys are feeling a little bit fuzzy on what Samatha looked like, here she is:

Oh, you fancy, huh?

That girl looks guuuurd, right? With ol' Sam (That was her nickname, it was in the story, you guys!) being my favorite toy of my privileged-ass childhood, what's better than finding beauty products that totally make me think of my OG homegirl?

Burberry Brit Eau de Parfum, $72

My first Samantha pick is Burberry Brit perfume. I mean, seriously?!? Boo Boo's dress could have totally been a Burberry print. Plus, she's a fancy b, and Burberry is totally for fancy people.

Smashbox Master Class 11 Meet the Masters Palette, $59

Next up is this badass limited edition palette from Smashbox. Samantha was a painter (you could buy that mess for extra), so this palette would totally speak to her artistic sensibilities. I need this bad boy in my life. Look at all the fun ish you get in this beast!

Amika 4 Piece Interchangeable Barrel Curler Set, $175

Speaking of stuff I want, how freaking cool is this barrel curler set? You can switch out the barrel of the wand to achieve different tightness of curls, ranging from curly Sue to mermaid. Okay, I made that part up, but you get what I'm throwing down here. This is perfect for Samantha, because homeslice had really good hair. It had the perfect amount of wave, and was super shiny. Not like my girl, Kristen. Her mop was a hot mess. Sadness.

LAFCO Tree House (Majestic Oak) Candle, $55

I have a weakness for expensive ass soy candles. This one smells like a tree house, apparently. And that is perfect for Samantha, because according to her American Girl Dolls Wiki page (That exists!!!), "She has a rough side such as climbing trees and feels it is very hard to be a young lady." Anything that costs $55 has to smell amaze, right?

Velvet Bow Stretch Headband, $16

Obviously, Samantha has a strong affection for both velvet and bows (Have you SEEN the size of her head bows?), so this cute Esty headband would be perfect for her. It would also be perfect for me, but that's neither here nor there.

Samantha was one of my first style icons, sadly. Well maybe She-Ra, Stawberry Shortcake (That was a good-smelling b.), or Jem were my FIRST first. Who did you love as a kid? Did you have any American Girl dolls?


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Feast Your Eyes Moment: Jon Hamm is Sporty Spice

Jon Hamm was obvi playing baseball for some reason or another, that I really can't be bothered with to research. I just know that Don Draper is a hot, hot b.

Speaking of Jon Hamm, if you missed the live epi of 30 Rock this season, watch this ish. Then, you can thank my ass.




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True Blood Musing: The Supes are in T-R-O-U-B-L-E

Way to ruin the mood, Sook. Go take a dramamine with some ginger ale or something. Let's talk about this mess of a mess.

JUMP that ish!
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Breaking News: Hot People Wear Bikinis, Look Hot.

Duh, everyone in the world is a the beach right now. So a plethora of celebrities have either tweeted pictures of themselves or been photographed in bikinis. I, on the other hand, have been alternating between working my retail job and eating a sh*tload of pastries. I'm pretty disgusting.

First up, Heidi Klum tweeted this picture of herself:

Yeah, she looks so gross. Cover that mess up. JK. She looks super hot. Sigh.

Also coming from her own tweet, here's Britney Spears and her young'ns:

Lookin' good, Brit-a-saurus Rex! And it's nice that you gave your hair stylist the holiday off. Sweet.

Next up, in the super posing for photogs category, is Aubrey O'Day. Girlfriend is letting those cheeks fly high on the 4th of Juuuu-ly, honey:

Pic via Daily Mail

Next we have double the hotness with Nicole Sheroiweuroewhatever (I'm not googling that) and Krysten Ritter:

Pic via Huffington Post

Wow, that amazing beach doesn't look NEARLY as fun as me eating potato chips right now. But you know what?

That's Tina Fey's kid, and I want to adopt her. Did you guys do anything fun this week/weekend? Make my ass ever more jealous, please.



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I AM NEVER, EVER HAVING KIDS.

I wish a pterodactyl would swoop down right now and rip out my eyeballs and ear holes. Where are the parents of this child? Is his mom one of the b's booty popping in his face? Where the eff is Chris Hansen?

P.S. This dude is 6. Like in kindergarten 6.

Hurry! I need something to make me feel like a human again.

Look at that widdle tongue! This hamster is doing more age appropriate stuff than that kid. Damn.


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Sheild Your Eyes: The Top 6 Worst Beauty Trends of All Time.

There have been some hot, hot messes of moments in beauty history. Most of them occurred in the 80's or 90's, which means people were photographing the hell out of them. (YES!) I have cultivated a list of the best of the worst, and included pictures of myself rocking these horrors. You. Are. Welcome.

Crimped Hair
Why in the hell were crimpers even invented? Someone please tell me. That ish is disgusting. So someone said, "You know what I want? My hair to look rumpled, frizzy, and fried ALL OVER." And sadly, some b's are still trying to make the all-over crimp happen.

C. Aggs, during her Dee Snyder phase.

Me, in my hot b phase.

Sperm Brows
If you have read this blog even once, you probably know about my unnatural love for eyebrows. So I feel personally affronted when people massacre the hell out of their poor, defenseless brow. I call those puny, over-tweezed eyebrows (or lack thereof), sperm brows. Because they look, well, like a spermatozoa. (Or at lease that's what I learned in 8th grade. I haven't looked at a magnified petri dish, or anything.

I don't know where to rest my eyes, so I'll just pick the sperm brows.

Pam Anderson has been a decades long offender of this crime. Um, I have nothing nice to say. Let's move on.

My own tweezer happy time.

Mine weren't code red on the insane scale or anything, but not great.

Body Glitter
Seriously, you guys. I effing HATE body glitter. Is anything more annoying and gross? That ish gets every-damn-where, and it is just plain ridiculous looking.

Dancing with the BLEEEHS and glitter.

 And in reality, this is what that crap ends up looking like.

Now THIS is gorgeous.

 In my deep, deep quest through the magical forest that is google image searches, I found some wonderful pictures featuring body glitter.

I wish the black bar was over the body glitter, pregnant lady.

I want to slap the sh*t out of this person.

I want to go shower right now. Sorry, I don't have any pictures of myself slathered in glittery gel made by Wet n' Wild. (Duh, that's the kind I had.)

Big Ass Bangs
If you had two hairs to Aquanet together in the 80's, chances are you had bangs that looked like ish. I know that I have roughly 203840392 pictures of myself with big ass bangs, each one more unfortunate than the other. If you weren't alive during this gorgeous trend, let's delve into what this horrible mess actually looked like. (And you shouldn't be reading this terrible blog, young lady/man!)

A typical big ass bang. Hot.

I blame this trend on Step On Me Tanner. EVERYTHING IS HER FAULT.

Yep. Here I am.

OH. MY. GOD.

Like a damn boss, this one.

If you can tear your eyes away from my ribbon, check it.

You are welcome, for all of that.

Chunky Highlights
This trend started in the very early 2000's, and some people are sadly still doing the chunky highlight, to my dismay. The point of a highlight is to get that natural, sun kissed look to the hair. Can we all agree that this mess needs to be put to rest?

Kelly Clarkson, the OG of this trend.

Not good, you guys. Not good.

Brown Lipstick/Lip Liner

I was all up on the dark brown lip in the late 90's. That was my jam. Could anything be MORE unflattering? Let's see: 

Adding a choker's not helping, C-Dog.

My choker's not helping this sitch, either. But those nails are!

The only lip offense worse than the dark brown lipstick is its more horrifying cousin, the brown lip liner.

No wonder Eminem wrote all of those rude ass songs about his wife.

This is seriously what that crap looks like:

Like you just came from a $450,000 crack party.

Now for an added bonus, here are some flawless examples of glamor. Think of it as a little extra beauty credit.

I just met you, and this is crazy...

I don't even know what is happening here.

And I leave you with one final picture of myself, looking like a tiny, tiny 90's Eastern European man. I can't even explain why I ever looked this way.

I am not ready for that jelly. Wow. Please make me feel a little less sh*tty about my beauty journey and post your own beauty messes in the comments.

I hate myself. My shame spiral continues.

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