Tipsy Tutorials: Classic Beauty Look

This might be the dumbest thing I've ever done. (I got tipsy and made a makeup tutorial, if that wasn't clear.) Watch at your own braincell risk, man.

Then watch this.

Because I'm sorry and shit.








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The 34 Beauty Lessons I've Learned in 34 Years

Today is my 34th birthday, and I'm pretty much feeling like an old hag. Or an old handbag. You choose. So, instead of feeling like a sad sack of invisible poop in the eyes of society, I decided to compile a list of 34 of the beauty-related things I've learned on this long journey of life I've had. (I actually thought I would have expired with my oxen while forging a river, Oregon Trail-style, by now. Maybe this is the year.)

I did something kind of similar to this last year, because I like to reflect upon shit. I'm a real thinker. Read ahead as I creep closer to middle age. Yay! Pass the streamers.

#1 -- Extreme eyebrows can screw up your face.

#2 -- Red lips work for everyone. You might look good with an orangey-red. Or a blue-red. Or a true red. (Is this what poetry feels like?) But there's a red for everyone. And I don't care if you think that your lips are too small/big/you think you have a weird mouth. EVERYONE.

#3 -- Bangs are not for everyone. Sorry, people with very small foreheads and cowlicks.

#4 -- I kind of hate blowouts. Okay, so this isn't a lesson for everyone. I just wanted to tell someone.

#5 -- Stay the eff out of the sun. It will slowly murder your skin.

#6 -- There really are some great drugstore products on this planet. Have you HEARD about this Maybelline mascara?!?

#7 -- Your eyebrows don't have to be matchy-matchy with your hair. In fact, dark-haired peeps' brows should be a tad lighter than their head hairs and fair-haired bros should keep their brows a little darker. Also, do whatever your eyebrows tell you to. They are the rulers of the universe. Who runs the world? Brows.

#8 -- Dry shampoo is the shit, but it can only do so much. If you're oily and thin-haired, and on day three, WASH YO' DAMN HAIR.

#9 -- Peeling off nail polish is legitimately bad for your nails. But that doesn't stop me from doing it.

#10 -- So are acrylic nails. At least stay away from the places that use a friggin' Black and Decker drill on them. That cannot be healthy.

#11 --  Unless you have FANTASTIC-ASS skin, skip shimmery bronzer on your mug. The glitter stuff will highlight every pore and imperfection. Trust me, I could have a doctorate in bad skin and things to avoid.

#12 -- Don't let Kim K bully you into contouring. It's not mandatory for your face.

#13 -- A French manicure (pedicure?) on your toes makes your toenails look weirdly long. Or short.

#14 -- Don't let people make you feel shitty about liking/not liking beauty stuff. It's not that serious. If you're into it, cool. If you're more of an I-don't-give-a-shit-type, that's fine, too. Spend your time and brainwaves and monies on what makes you happy.

#15 -- Primers are not bullshit. Use them.

#16 -- I believe in ghosts, aliens and addiction to chapstick. I've read articles saying that chapstick addiction is not real, and I don't believe them. Just like I don't believe in long division in 2015. Use a calculator.

#17 -- Hair is just hair. You can change it back if you hate it. And it grows back almost always.

#18 -- Take care of your damn skin as much as possible, it's the only skin you have.

#19 -- Find a go-to style to deal with your dirty-ass hair, and make it fast and easy. It could be a braid, a bun, a high pony; I don't give a shit. Just learn to love it for those hard and sleepy days.

#20 -- Know how to use products in more than one way. Eyeshadow as brow powder, bronzer as eyeshadow, lipstick as blush, just for starters. When money is tight, you will appreciate these things in your brain.

#21 -- Learn to love your natural hair texture-ish. It's what you have, and fighting against it completely is futile.

#22 -- Just because something works for your friend/Beyoncé/Betsy Ross' ghost, doesn't mean it's necessarily great for you. Every human has different skin and hair and coloring, so everything is not universal, no matter what the people who make that mood lipstick tells you.

#23 -- Be careful with wearing heavy earrings as you get older. STRETCHED OUT EARLOBES ARE REAL.

#24 -- Don't dye your hair with black boxed dye unless you want to marry it and take that mess to the grave.

#25 -- Getting hung up on stuff you can't do is a waste of time. Just work around it. I can't paint my nails in any socially acceptable way, so I just paint all over the place and scrub the skin parts in the shower. Number of seconds of sleep I lose over this: zero.

#26 -- Don't be afraid of oils, even if you're oily. Facial oils are MF-ing delightful. Same goes for hair oils. Even cleansing oils.

#27 -- Doing highlights at home is a terrible idea. Especially if you're using one of those kits that comes with a comb. (Unless you're, like, a professional. That doesn't count.)

#28 -- Your skin changes with time and location. Roll with the punches. I've gone from completely oily to somehow dry AND oily. Ain't life grand?

#29 -- Baby bangs can only be pulled off by roughly less than 1% of the population.

#30 -- Don't go crazy with self tanner. When you look at pictures later, you will be f-ing appalled.

#31 -- Try clip-in extensions at least once. Even if they're borrowed. (From someone you know, not a Craigslist person.) They're fun and make you feel like Ariel when she's a human.

#32 -- Waterproof eyeliner is the universe's gift to humans with eyeballs.

#33 -- You really only need a nude lip liner. You can own whatever the hell you want, but you can use nude with any color.

#34 -- I know nothing. I'm like a way less sexy Jon Snow.

If you need me, I'll be busy being old in the corner with my cake. (JK, I don't even have a cake. Help.)

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Get Ready To Save All Of Your Vegan Tears In A Decorative Mason Jar: Jared Leto Cut Off His Magical Hair And Beard

Tweets by @DavidAyerMovies

Drown you sorrows in all of the world's cold quinoa and kale salads -- Jesus Leto is no more. Jared cut off all of his hotness for a role in something called Suicide Squad, which is apparently a movie based on a comic. And homie is playing the Joker.

Don't get me wrong, Jared Leto is hot no matter what. He could put a rancid octopus on his head and still be sexual AF. But I like my Leto one of two ways: Catalano or scruffed up.

What do you think? Are you into this sleek shit? Tell me all of your feelings on everything.







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The MAC Collections That I Wish Existed

pic via mac cosmetics

The MAC Cinderella Collection came out yesterday, to the delight of thousands of women that grew up with "I-will-marry-Prince-William" fantasies everywhere. And while the collection looks as lovely as a fancy-ass crystal goblet filled with a sparkling wine that didn't even come from a box, it got me thinking* -- what MAC collections would be the very best collections? If dreaming were free, what would we want to see? What if things were fanciful with glee? (Okay, I'll stop. I don't even know what I'm doing.)

Let's just look at this nonsense.

The Neverending Story

I really can't believe a TNES/MAC collab doesn't already exist. It's almost blasphemous, I tell you. HAVE YOU SEEN FALKOR'S IRIDESCENT SCALES, WORLD? They're a GD delight to the senses.

The Childlike Empress' (AKA Ssdjlskjfknvodsnvs') Smudgy Shadow Stick in Ruddy Tears

We look so sad because that damn shadow stick doesn't exist, bb.

Falkor's Flying High in the Sky Faux Lashes

Okay, so this name is terrible. But don't act like you don't covet that magic dragon's eyelashes, or you a damn lie.

Bastian's Super-Shiny Hair Serum

MAC doesn't even make haircare shit, but I think they could make an exception for this one. A bowl cut that glossy really can't be denied.

Arrested Development

The Bluths are as glamorous as they come, and would make for an excellent line of cosmetics. Mostly because you can't spell class without ass.

Lucille's Drunken Glow Illuminating Powder

 If you don't want to shine bright like Lucille Number One, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.

It's as Ann as the Nose on Plain's Face Concealer

Because we all wish that our under-eye circles were as invisible as Egg. Her?

Tobias' Nevernude Navy Eye Glitter

Tobias is easily the most colorful of the Bluth bunch, and his addition to the line would leave you tasting those meaty leading man parts in your mouth in no time.

Teen Witch

Teen Witch is coming to Netflix on March 1, so get ready for a national holiday to be declared (in my heart). Hurry, MAC, get this mess ready for National Louise Appreciation Day.

I Will Never Be Hip Gloss 

This lip gloss shall only be worn with bucket hats and '80s-flavored regrets. P.S. Can we get a TW reboot starring Jenny Slate as Polly? P.P.S. Have you ever met an actual human named Polly?

 Top That Finishing Spray

Don't be such a waste of pretty face, and go ahead and try to top that...with a finishing spray. Cuffed capri-rolled jeans and jaunty Hawaiian shirts are optional.

Beverly Hills, 90210

Someone get Andrea Zuckerman on this v, v important project. Homegirl knows how to get shit done. And write a scathing expose on cafeteria food.

David Silver Pigment

Do you need your eyes to sparkle with a glean that says, "I'm a dorky white teenager that's really trying to make an R&B career happen?" It's covered.

Donna Martin's Lipstick in "I'm Still a Virgin"

It's hard to believe that Donna had those rock-solid dance moves and had never gotten freaky in a Burger King bathroom. Brava.

Brenda and Dylan 4EVA Permanent Nail Glue

WARNING: This nail glue will cause a bond that will NEVER, EVER BREAK.  DO YOU HEAR THAT KELLY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

What MAC Collections would you like to be plucked from you heart and brought to reality? Let's discuss the most important issue of the day.


*trademark Carrie Bradshaw

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My New Favorite Lip Homies

I have pretty major issues when it comes to hoarding lip stuff. I've got balms, glosses, lipsticks, chapsticks, not to mention other lip things that I'm not even sure what they do, stashed like friggin' contraband all around every area of my life. (I almost said every orifice, but no, that's too far. Even for me.)

But you know what I don't have? A MF-ing gangster lip serum. You know why? Because I've never heard of one. Not to mention one for an old and sad sack set of lips like mine. Enter Murad Rapid Collagen Infusion for Lips ($24), stage right.

Murad sent me these angel tears shoved sweetly into a plummy tube about a week ago, and I am hooked on this stuff. It gives your lips a plump and pillowy feel, but IT'S NOT THAT CHEAP-ASS STINGING TRICK. We're onto you, stingy lip shit. This is all about moisture and straight-up science. (I'm guessing.) This is what Murad says:

"Instantly smooths and hydrates for an ideal base under lipstick, gloss or balm. Simultaneously boosts micro-circulation for plumper, fuller lips while working over time to reduce the appearance of vertical lip lines and wrinkles" 

MICRO-CIRCULATION. That is more science-y than Mr. Wizard (RIP).

Another perfect usage of this serum (!!!) is as a base for matte lipsticks. It just erases any weird and unfortunate drying and discomfort issues that you might typically have with lip stuff that's on the matte-y end of the spectrum. Also, that sounded like a Summer's Eve commercial, and for that, I deeply apologize.

But it does bring me to my next current favorites, more ColourPop Lippie Stix.

I already bought a couple of the Lippie Stix a while ago, and I decided that I needed to get more, mostly because they're FIVE GD DOLLARS and I really love the formula. This time around, I decided to do the deed with Frida, Dalia and Cookie.

Lordt, do I love these Lippie Stix. They're just easy. You can use the edge of the stick as more of a lip-lining-tool-deal, and they aren't too big and cumbersome to work with, which is nice when you're using a bold/bright/whatever lip color. They're just an all-around damn delight.

So as long as these puppies are $5, I'll be like:

(But, only like five times, because times. Because it's only five dollar bills.)




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Beauty Battle: High-End vs Drugstore Brow Pencil

You know that my life's quest is to find the very best eyebrow products and present them to you in an unfortunately-worded and photographed manner. That, and to eat as many Mother's Circus Animal Cookies as humanly possible without passing on. It's a real journey. Like Eat, Pray, Love, but slightly less annoying.

I come to you today with a tale as old as time...

You find a really MF-ing delightful beauty product, but is it REALLY really worth it? And how does it compare to a way cheaper, but still boss-ass, similar product?

Let us explore. WHEEEEE!

The High-End Homie

anastasia beverly hills brow wiz in taupe (sephora, $21)

Pros:

• It's super-precise. Like almost too precise? (If that were a thing.)
• The color is perfectly ashy, so you will never have weird-ass orange eyebrows. Even Carrot Top doesn't want orange eyebrows.
• It has a spoolie on the end for blending, which actually comes in handy.
• The pencil is twist-up (automatic? I don't know, whatever). I'm a lazy, so this is big for me. I hate sharpening shit. I also hate pencil shavings. It's like #432 on my list of things that I hate. Not as high as finding a stranger's fingernail on a public table, but it's on there.

Cons:

• Boo boo is expensive. $21 for a brow pencil is pretty GD spendy, man.
• It doesn't last very long. I bought this three months ago, and have used 115% (Maury percentages) of it. I expected more from a brow pencil that costs over 20 dollars, but that's what I get for expecting things in life.

The Drugstore Darling

maybelline twin brow pencils in blonde (drugstore.com, $2.39)

Pros:

• THESE ARE CHEAP AS HELL. I bought mine from Walgreen's, the world's most expensive retailer, and got them for about $4.00. Plus, they were buy one, get one half off, so I got four pencils for about six bucks.
• They have great staying power. The package claims that these puppies are waterproof, but let's not be ridiculous. Remember the expectations thing?
• The color is like a 8.967 out of ten on the "looks pretty damn natural" scale.
• You can find them almost anywhere, so you won't have to make a special trip. Lazy.

Cons:

• You have to sharpen them, like it's the 1800's and shit. Lazy. Who am I, Laura Ingalls Wilder?
• The tip (heh) isn't as precise.

The conclusion? I have to give it to the Maybelline pencil. The color isn't as perfect as the Anastasia, but I can live with the fraction of a difference for a fraction of the price.

Not to mention, the Anastasia pencil is 0.003 oz of product, while each pencil of the Maybelline is 0.03 oz. And you get two pencils per pack. You do the math. (No, seriously, I don't know what the math is on that, but it's pretty f-ing significant.)

Viva la cheapness!

Get your ass to the drugstore, bb.

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To Be Filed Under: How Do I Apply For This Job? (AKA Watch Justin Bieber Get Egged In Slow Mo)

Get More: Comedy Central,Funny Videos,Funny TV Shows

Oh, to be a skillful egg tosser.

Comedy Central just released a promo for its March 30th roast of the world's most hated* toddler, Justin Bieber, and it's quite the fun romp. If you're an egg. Or an oiled up, thin, boy chest.

Also, I'm off omelets for a while.**


*by me
**no, I'm not


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