Drugstore Beauty Haul (With A Dash Of Sephora)

I kind of bought a lot of shit last week, so I decided to make a haul video, even though I kind of hate them. So here's nine minutes of your time that you'll never get back, but check it out if you want to see all of the craps that I bought. If not, that's cool.

I guess...I guess I'll just see you around, then.



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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Brow Feng Shui

This time in my Outrageous Beauty series (shhhhh...I like to pretend I have a series), I go in for some Brow Feng Shui-ing. What does that even mean??? Is there tiny furniture involved? How does Oprah fit in to all of this? Watch and find out.

For more info on Brow Feng Shui, check out Suddenly Slimmer's website.



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Hey, Oily Faces: A Ranking Of The Best Non-Traditional Blotting Devices

It's hot as all get out in this b, as I'm sure you've noticed. This is not only spawning a 'pit stain epidemic, but it's also creating widespead cases of shiny faces. Wow, that was really the Dr. Seuss of oily skin sentences. I'm pretty sure my brain is even greasy at this point.

Because the oil times are high, you might find yourself caught completely sans blotting papers while shining bright like an oily ass diamond. If you happen to catch yourself in these dire straits, don't stress. I have compiled a list of the top five household blotting devices that you can use in any slick pinch.

 #5: Paper towels

Pro: It (kind of) absorbs the gross shit.
Con: It (kind of) tries to rip your friggin' skin from your skull slightly.

This is not your best option, but it's better than using either sandpaper or butter. Or buttery sandpaper. 

#4: Copy paper

Pro: It's surprisingly smooth on the mug skin, considering that you're basically blotting with a used TPS Report.

Con: The actual blotting power is pretty, pretty low.

This will rid you of the very worst parts of your shine, but don't get your hopes up too high for matte skin. They'll be Stacey Dash-ed.

#3: Toilet paper

Pro: Medium to strong oil-be-gone force.
Con: Medium to strong makeup-be-gone force.

If you're searching for the most solidly "meh" result, this is your guy.

#2: Receipts

Pro: The blotting is so, so good.
Con: It's probably making you die, or something.

THIS IS SO GOOD AND SO BAD. Everything is so scary all the time. I need a fluffy teddy bear to hold.

#1: Disposable Toilet Seat Covers

Pro: The oil-absorption is right up there with those damn BPA-laden receipts.
Con: It comes from a public bathroom, where strangers do pee pee and poo poo times.

Do you like to live life like you're Devon Sawa in Final Destination? Are you kind of a Josie Grossie? Do you and blot away.

Did I forget any free blotters? Are you using Gam Gam's pantyhose? Why am I asking so many questions today? Why is the sky blue?

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Mug Makeover: Teen Witch Edition

There are very few things that are important to me in life. I'm usually a "give zero effs" kind of gal (bleh), but that does not hold true when it comes to one of my favorite movies of all friggin' time -- Teen Witch.

If you can't get down with an 80s movie that involves witchcraft and chicanery for popularity's sake, heavy use of tutus and denim jackets, and delightfully awkward rapping, then I don't have time for your silly nonsense. So when I tell you that I have created a Teen Witch beauty tutorial, your ass should not be surprised.

And without further dramatics, I present to you my most meaningful beauty look that I have ever created. Sadly, it's not the old lady witch that was also in Poltergeist. Maybe next time.

I would recommend using a sturdy-ass, Aqua Net-esque hairspray if you want your hair to stay. I just used texturizing spray because I wasn't trying to be hard-haired and authentically 80s, so, whatever. Choose your own hair adventure.

You can totally use an eyeshadow as a brow powder. Just please, for the love of Yeezus, CHOOSE A DAMN MATTE SHADOW.

Use whatever neutral eyeshadow you've got hanging around for this part. I prefer to do shimmery on the lid and matte on the crease, but do what your heart tells you to. Especially if you're a young buck. Your eyelids still have years sans-crepe, so play on, playa.

If you're oily, go for a gel liner or a long-wear liner, or you WILL look a hot mess in 13.5 minutes.

Use whichever gloss or 'stick you're into, just keep it in the coral or peach tones. I think that that's the theme of the day -- do whatever the hell you want. Kind of.

Okay, all done! My hair's not AS 80s as real Louise's, but you get the vibe. Do you guys love Tee Dubs as much as I do? Does anyone even know what I'm talking about right now?

Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and top that?!?


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List Of Things I Can't Deal With Today: Paris Hilton's New Video For "Come Alive." End Of List.

Listen, P. We're pretty much in our mid-thirties, you and I. You are still very pretty and gamine and all of that jazz, but the floating-on-cotton-candy-while-coyly-spouting-sexual-innuendo-in-an-autotuned-baby-voice ship has sailed. Like, a solid ten years ago. It's time to move on from the Princess Baby strokes a unicorn pastures. And that's okay.

We're now the "gross old people" in the club. That's why I don't go to them anymore. (That, and rap music is not danceable anymore. I miss "In the Club" in the club. Or shaking it like a Polaroid picture.) Remember how much you made fun of those people?** That's us now. So stop trying to make club bangers happen.

Maybe it's time to take up something a tad bit more mature and less like what would come up if you googled, "what would a Lisa Frank porn set look like?" It's cool to let it go, Paris. It's not so bad. Remember how gross the early aughts were anyway? It was all dangly Playboy Bunny bellybutton rings and pointy-toed two-inch heels. You don't want to keep reliving that bullshit.

So let's take out those colored contacts and go get some tea. And maybe go to a bookstore, or something. It's time.

**The first time I went to a bar or club after graduating from college and moving to a non-college town, I literally said, "Why are all of these old people here? Gross."


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What's Up, Smashbox Master Class Palette III?

I was forced to shclep my lazy ass across town to the ol' Sephora today, because I was dangerously low on the love of my life, the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er. I've shoved 10 months of use in a six month expiration bag with that puppy, and it was way past friggin' time. Drier than a bone status.

While I was re-upping on my homie, OF COURSE my eyes had to wander over the rest of the store's offerings. What am I, a nun? While on this peruse-fest, my eyeballs fell upon a true beauty: the Smashbox Master Class Palette III -- Color & Contour. I really was in no mood to purchase this mofo. It's $65, and I'm not exactly at Scrooge McDuck-levels of wealth right now.

But when I cracked this b open, I knew I was sold. Guess I'll eat garbage the rest of the month. Whatever. The first thing that you see are several tutorial sheets on how to do a bunch of fun shit like contouring and specific fancy eyeball things. The back cover has blank face charts so you can create your own little makeup looks. So artsy! It's very fashion plates-y and exciting.

Then you get to the real good good. Try to contain your oooooh and ahhhhs. TRY, I SAY!

What really convinced be to get this thing was the wide variety of shades in shadows and the inclusion of not only three totally wearable blushes, but also completely matte versions of a countour color, bronzer and highlighter. It's pretty much as close to perfection as anything can get for my ass. And eyelids. And face parts.

 I decided to just play around a tiny bit with some of the brighter and more unique colors. I really like a solid 97% of the shadows, and I feel like it might make my mediocre ass branch out a little more and use more color on my eyes.

I also took a hot minute to throw some contour/highlight/blush-type characters on my mug. Everything blends really, really well, and I feel like it will work well for most skin tones. My very fair and deeper skinned peeps, you might want to check the palette in person to see if the countouring shades would work for you.

Overall, here's my justification for getting this b: if I'm paying $50-ish a palette for ten-ish shadows, why in effs sake would I not plop down 15 more clams for, like, four times as much shit? This is a no doy for me. Broke assness be damned.

If you want to see all the specifics on this baby, check it here.



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'Scuse Me? News: Eva Mendes Is SEVEN MF-ING MONTHS PREGNANT

Remember Eva Mendes?

Remember when she and Ryan Gosling were a thing, and we were all, "Ugh, but I get it, they're both super hot and have hair perfection on lockdown?"

Except for the tight-rolling pants over a boot deal. Stop trying to make that a thing, Ry. It's not.

Then remember when everyone was like, "Those two sexy ass mofos broke up. No one has seen them together in 34974298 years!" And we all breathed a sigh of relief and waited for a telegram from RG saying that he was sending one of those Cinderella pumpkin carriages to pick us up and bring us forth to him?

Well, get ready to order an extra body pillow with the Gosling pillowcase upgrade for backup, because Us Weekly is saying that homegirl is all the way knocked up. And not even like just-peed-on-the-stick-thingy-five-minutes-ago pregnant. Seven months pregnant. Like, that puppy is close to being pooped out, pregnant. (Isn't that how babies are born?)

Luckily for you, I got this EXCLUSIVE picture of the baby that they're probably having. I know, I know. This is HUGE. Screw you, People magazine. You ain't got nothing on my exclusives.

What do you guys think, is Eva Mendes PREGNANT pregnant? Or is she just pregnant with a case of the b-faces, as per usual?

UPDATE: It's true! It's all effing true.

 
And it's all People's fault.

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